Friday, April 18, 2008
Lolblunt: Is This The Genesis Of “Keep Up The Cats”?
10:40AM Clem Bastow | Over the last day or so, throughout our obsession with LOLBlunts, we have pondered the possible deeper meaning of the term “KEEP UP THE CATS”, issued as it was by Frances M Benz with such unerring enthusiasm – we thought, perhaps Defamer Australia has just unwittingly tapped into a long-held relationship between tiresome whiny singer/songwriter James Blunt and cats?
Well, a cursory search of the internets revealed something that – and we don’t want to scare you – could blow the whole “KEEP UP THE CATS” phenomenon to kingdom come.
In short: JAMES HAS BEEN KEEPING UP THE CATS SINCE MID-LAST-YEAR.
Don’t believe it? Hold our hands and come with us over the jump, and you will finally know the shocking truth… More » 
Ashlee Simpson Exclusives Not Worth The Pretty Penny Papa Joe Was Hoping For
10:05AM Molly Friedman | We were admittedly underwhelmed upon hearing that lip sync princess Ashlee Simpson and her guyliner-sporting beau Pete Wentz were planning on tying the knot, but we are somewhat pleased to hear about all the trouble it’s causing Papa Joe Simpson. Unsurprisingly, the engagement seems to be the result of Pete “doing the right thing” after knocking up his girlfriend. And in an attempt to turn a sticky situation into a pot of gold, minister-turned-Dadager Joe is allegedly trying desperately to make some quick cash by selling his daughter’s story to the weeklies, conveniently timed to coincide with her upcoming album’s release: “‘Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover’…Sadly, there is some interest – but not for anything close to $1 million.” So how much is an Ashlee cover worth these days? Apparently just as little as Lindsay Lohan demands for taking her top off on-screen…
Daily Mail Puzzled By Vladimir Putin’s Pantsman Tendencies
9:30AM Clem Bastow | Defamer Australia and Russian President Vladimir Putin go way back, so we were delighted to see that he’s in the news again – evidently this time for schtupping some hot, young rhythmic gymnast. Apparently Putin has split from his wife and excitedly plans to shack up with the pretty 24-year-old post haste.
It seems the Daily Mail were excited, too:
We love it. We love the expanded version from the story itself even more:
So, Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, what do you see in a 24-year-old, sensationally beautiful gymnast with a penchant for posing semi-naked that you don’t see in your lovely, middle-aged, matronly wife Ludmilla?
We’re not sure what they mean by emphasising her gymnastic tendencies, unless it’s that rather sad blokey thing of discussing new babes’ yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills as though they will likely lead to bedroom prowess.
The reality is, yoga/ballet/gymnastic skills are probably less likely to equal “cracker in the sack” than they are “slightly highly strung, a bit too skinny to cuddle and probably obsessed with stinky weight-loss herbal teas”. More » 
Defamer Visits The Dark Underbelly Of The Marilyn Monroe Collectibles Circuit
9:30AM Mark Graham | So! Remember the Marilyn Monroe article we published on Tuesday, which poked some holes in Keya Morgan’s (pictured, left) claims that he brokered the sale of an alleged sex tape to a wealthy (and still anonymous) businessman in New York for $1.5 million? Well, it turns out that Keya Morgan’s attorneys were none too pleased about our piece. What follows is a back-and-forth between Keya Morgan’s lawyer and Defamer’s incomparable house counsel, Gaby Darbyshire. While we’re not very interested in getting involved in squabbles between Keya Morgan and Mark Bellinghaus (apparently, there is some seriously bad blood between these two Marilyn Monroe fans), we do stand by the story that we printed on Tuesday night. For those that are interested in reading the chain of emails, they are printed in full after the jump.
From Spin To Spinning Letters, Could Lara Bingle’s Star Be On The Rise?
9:00AM Clem Bastow | Just last week it seemed the best thing They could come up with for Lara Bingle’s career renaissance was to appear on an advertorial travel show on Nine; hardly worth all the fanfare her return to the tele was generating.
Hold your horses, then, because it looks as though Lara might have something even more spectacularly exciting in store for viewers: SHE MIGHT BE THE NEW ADRIANA XENIDES.
By that we don’t mean she’ll disappear from public view only to reappear in a haze of driving offences and bizarre medical conditions, but rather that Lara could well be the new “letters girl” on the revamped Wheel Of Fortune.
It’s understood Nine is casting for the co-hosting gig of the new-look Wheel Of Fortune with Tim Campbell and Lara, who is currently employed by Nine as part of its Holidays For Sale program, is a frontrunner for the game-show gig.
A rep for Nine yesterday confirmed auditions for the job were being held in Brisbane but stopped short of naming Bingle as one of the starlets in line for the job.
“We are auditioning for the part of co-host at the moment but we would never say who is taking part in those auditions,” the spokesperson said.
“I can’t say that she is or isn’t being considered for the role. I cannot say either way.”
Good lord, man/woman, don’t keep us hanging like this! IS SHE OR ISN’T SHE?! You are toying with the nerves of fans of crappy afternoon light-entertainment!
We feel Lara would be great for the role. It would finally afford her the chance to learn to read and spell. More » 
Apparently Keen To Sex Up The Literary World, The Age Attempts To Kick Off LolMilesFranklin Craze
8:55AM Clem Bastow | We follow the literary universe quite keenly at the best of times, mainly because we’re frustrated novelists and hope one day to bathe in the rich, creamery money of grants and prizes, but also because we like to stay cultured ‘n’ shit.
However, we also realise that it’s about as “cool” as watching Question Time (which is pretty damn cool, if you ask us), which perhaps explains TheAge.com.au’s front-page treatment of this story on the Miles Franklin Literary Award’s announced nominees:
FULLY!!
Oh dear. It’s almost as daggy as news.com.au’s “Pose Like A Pro” effort from yesterday. Suggested topics for the Age Online monkeys to tackle in future include LOLNobelPeacePrize and FAILStateFunerals. More » 
Gimme Some More Crazy, Tarisai Vushe!
8:45AM Clem Bastow | Remember Tarisai Vushe, the 2007 Australian Idol contestant who started out sounding like the new Whitney Houston, then said “thank you” an awful lot, and ended up going completely bananas?
Well, she’s baaaaack!
Tarisai has returned to the news after announcing that she was kidnapped by her ex-boyfriend – but, er, it’s okay, you don’t have to call the police. Or something.
Vushe said she was returning DVDs at 11pm on Friday when she was grabbed.
“He grabbed me from behind and kept asking me why I left him, in a really obsessive way,” she said.
“He left me in the car. I got out and walked to a service station (near Penrith) and called a taxi,” she said.
Her manager, Alex Haddad, who co-ordinates Vushe’s new band Method, insisted he believed her account of the ordeal.
“I’ve encouraged her to go to the police, but I can’t make her,” he said.
“When she didn’t turn up for rehearsal last week, we rang her family and they mentioned she might be doing a gig interstate. But Tarisai didn’t want them to tell us anything.”
Hmm, we’re torn. If she IS serious, then for god’s sake, go to the police, girlfrien’! Too many cases of assault against women go unreported these days.
However, if she’s telling fibs a la “Marcia Hates me”, well, a thousand aspersions on “Method” and may all their gigs be on Wednesday nights at RSLs.
Which is probably pretty close to the reality they’ll enjoy, anyway. More » 
Are Gary Dourdan And Diane Neal Departing Their Hit Series For Mutually Disagreed-Upon, Shitcanning Reasons?
8:30AM Seth | Noting that two cast members from TV’s highest-rated procedurals—CSI’s Gary Dourdan and Law & Order: SVU’s Diane Neal—would be leaving their series at the end of their contracts, TVGuide.com’s Michael Ausiello has reexamined the evidence, and concludes that these seemingly friendly departures were more likely the result of some less-than-amicable shitcannings: In the case of Dourdan, an insider at the show insists that he and CSI execs “mutually agreed” to part ways for “creative reasons.” However, a CBS mole claims the 41-year-old actor was essentially fired, adding that producers are trying to be “as supportive and protective” of him as possible by portraying the departure as mutual. That same mole wasn’t willing to share the specific reason for Dourdan’s ouster, except to say that it involves an “ongoing problem personal to Dourdan.” [...] More »
Sadistic ‘Idol’ Elimination Techniques Fail To Break Spirit Of Littlest Karaoke Soldier David Archuleta
8:15AM Seth | The task of turning five seconds’ worth of compelling television—the announcement of the latest American Idol oustee—into an hour of Nielsen-trampling entertainment isn’t an easy one. And yet they always seem up to the challenge, employing a wide variety of systematic dehumanization techniques to keep singers on their toes and viewers locked in until the very last moment. Take last night’s episode, in which trembling, shaved-koala contestant David Archuleta was made to sit backstage for two full commercial breaks as his brothers and sisters stood in huddled groups on the stage. One was safe, the other at risk of being loaded onto Idol-branded freight trains and transported to a karaoke death camp somewhere in the San Fernando Valley. More »
