Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Channel Nine Investigated Over Claims Of Paying Incest Couple For Story; We’ll Make No ‘Boning’ Gags Here, Thanks
1:50PM Clem Bastow | Well, just as we were rejoicing in the aisles over some happy Channel Nine-related news, it looks as though it’s back to black – and then some – for the beleaguered television behemoth, with word that police are investigating claims incest couple John and Jenny Deaves may have pocketed mad 60 Minutes cash for telling their story.
And, as we all now know, they may be “in love”, but they are also father and daughter, which makes them criminals.
The couple was convicted in the South Australian District Court in Mount Gambier last month of two counts each of incest relating to the conception of Celeste, and another baby who died in 2001 from a congenital heart defect.
Convicted criminals cannot profit directly from their crimes under Australian law.
More » 
Somebody, Anybody, Everybody Scream!
11:08AM Mark Graham | First there was Ninja Warrior. Then came Unbeatable Banzuke. Now, we are holding our collective breath in hopes that the G4 Network brings Screaming Japanese Man to these fine shores. Until then, this will have to do. [YouTube] Hey you guys, do you like popular culture? How about the internet? If you answered “Yes” to both of these questions, we’d like to wholeheartedly recommend that you pay Videogum a visit. Co-written by longtime friends of Defamer Gabe Delahaye and Lindsay “Lindsayism” Robertson, we think it will make for a nice addition to your daily routine. Give it a whirl, wontcha? [Videogum] For those of you who enjoy both chocolate products and cannibalism equally (and frankly, who doesn’t?), we’re fairly certain you’re gonna get a kick out of this: Newborns made of chocolate! [Pravda] We like Tay Zonday and “Chocolate Rain” quite plenty, but we would never get him tattoed on our arms. Nope, his face deserves Tramp Stamp placement all the way. [Blogger] And lastly, while we’re not generally the type to toot our own horn, it’s worth noting that the impossibly shiny-haired Olivia Munn gave us a shout-out on Attack Of The Show last night. The video clip appears, as things often do here, after the jump. More »
Paris Hilton Wants to Give Us Bunions Just Like Hers
10:50AM Defamer Hollywood | Every girl wants to look like Paris Hilton. Well, probably not, but she certainly thinks they do. The – what are we calling her these days? Actress? Singer? Socialite? – is now also the “designer” of her own hideous line of shoes. With names like “Fierce” and “Hamptons,” the shoes are just another step in Hilton’s devious master plan to turn women everywhere into her. This comes not long after Paris launched her own line of hair extensions, DreamCatcher. It remains unclear who told the heiress that her own fake hair looked good, let alone encouraged her to sell a cheaper version to the public. As Tina Fey said of Hilton’s week at the SNL studio back in 2006, “You would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs… Her hair is like a Fraggle.” Certainly a ringing endorsement for her line! More »
British Airways Bans Naomi Campbell; Now She Can Finally Buy That Broomstick She’s Always Wanted
10:18AM Clem Bastow | Not long after they “escorted” her from one of their flights after she allegedly assaulted a police officer, British Airways have decided there’s one less supermodel temper they’re prepared to deal with while floating miles above the ground in a tin tube filled with innocent bystanders and have banned Naomi Campbell from their flights.
(Really, we just wanted an excuse to use that amazing ‘Here’s Naomi’ picture again, so cheers, BA!)
When asked about a report in the Mirror saying she had been banned, a spokesman said:
“We don’t comment in detail about matters relating to individual passengers.
“All incidents of abuse against passengers or staff are taken extremely seriously by BA and will not be tolerated. We deal with cases on an individual basis and will take whatever action we feel is necessary.”
Campbell’s spokeswoman in London added: “Naomi has been flying with British Airways for nearly 30 years and has been a good customer. She hopes this can be resolved amicably.”
Police are investigating the disturbance last Thursday at Heathrow’s new Terminal 5.
See, British legal system? This is the sort of forward-thinking efficiency that could be employed in dealing with Pete Doherty. More » 
9:50AM Defamer Hollywood | Further accelerating his apparent collapse from coveted leading man to salt-and-pepper has-been, revised opening weekend figures for George Clooney’s Leatherheads put the screwball gridiron comedy at a lackluster $12.6 million — a full million below Universal’s original report and only enough for a third-place finish behind 21 and Nim’s Island. While we maintain our original suspicion that no film can withstand a Reel Geezers pan, we don’t actually think this portends the catastrophe foretold by more dedicated skeptics. We also appreciate Steven Zeitchik’s moral support on Clooney’s behalf at his Risky Biz blog: “Clooney hasn’t opened a movie in a decade. Apart from the Ocean’s pics — which the presence of Damon and Pitt render useless as evidence — no Clooney-anchored movie in recent memory has cracked $13 million in its first weekend of wide release. The Good German? Michael Clayton? Intolerable Cruelty? … Box office just isn’t his thing.” Yessir, colour us reassured. [Reuters] More »
9:50AM Defamer Hollywood | Further accelerating his apparent collapse from coveted leading man to salt-and-pepper has-been, revised opening weekend figures for George Clooney’s Leatherheads put the screwball gridiron comedy at a lackluster $12.6 million — a full million below Universal’s original report and only enough for a third-place finish behind 21 and Nim’s Island. While we maintain our original suspicion that no film can withstand a Reel Geezers pan, we don’t actually think this portends the catastrophe foretold by more dedicated skeptics. We also appreciate Steven Zeitchik’s moral support on Clooney’s behalf at his Risky Biz blog: “Clooney hasn’t opened a movie in a decade. Apart from the Ocean’s pics — which the presence of Damon and Pitt render useless as evidence — no Clooney-anchored movie in recent memory has cracked $13 million in its first weekend of wide release. The Good German? Michael Clayton? Intolerable Cruelty? … Box office just isn’t his thing.” Yessir, colour us reassured. [Reuters] More »
Pete Doherty Breaches Probation, Gets Jail, Calls M. Night Shyamalan To See If A Surprising Twist Can Be Added To His Life Story
9:50AM Clem Bastow | OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!1 Guess what?! Pete Doherty is headed back to jail!
Really, Defamer Australia? Yes! Looks like, in a move that is completely out of character for the fine, upstanding young singer/songwriter, he breached his probation conditions and is back in the clink! For 14 weeks!
We know, we found it hard to believe ourselves! But the proof, as they say, is in the pudding (and the pudding is stained a queasy tinge of green and smells like stale cigarettes and wine dregs).
Parlophone Records said the Babyshambles frontman’s show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for April 26 would have to be postponed.
“Peter was very much looking forward to the show and would like to offer his sincerest apologies to all his fans and all those concerned,” the label said in a statement.
Adrian Hunter, Doherty’s manager, said there were “numerous reasons” the singer/songwriter had been jailed.
“One of them was his latecoming at probation hearings,” he said.
Doherty has been in and out of court over recent months in connection with his well-publicised battle with drug abuse. Tuesday’s sentence was handed down at the West London Magistrate’s Court.
Look, it’s getting to the point where they could quite reasonably throw Doherty in jail for the rest of his life and just save time and taxpayers’ money, couldn’t they? More » 
Bra Boy Surprised To Find That Bonking Gf On Head With Stick And Dragging Her Back To Cave Does Not A Willing Bride Make
9:40AM Clem Bastow | Evidently Koby Abberton and his ilk are the talk of Tinseltown after their tiresome “we can’t help bashing c–ts, we just had a hard childhood ‘n’ shit” doco The Bra Boys premiered this week, but he’d give all the hype in the world to make model girlfriend Tahyna Tozzi (no, we don’t know how you’re meant to pronounce “Tahyna” either) his wife:
“This is not my dream at all – I really don’t want to be here to tell you the truth,” Abberton told LA correspondent Peta Hellard.
His real dream, if his declarations of love were any indication, is to settle down with Tozzi.
“I ask her to marry me every single day, but she keeps saying no,” he said.
A tip for Koby (apart from, you know, perhaps distancing yourself from boof-head gangs and getting in bar brawls): most women aren’t massive fans of the cro-magnon-man neck-grip technique:
We’re inclined to think that if Abberton had a comic-book speech balloon attached to his head in that photo, it would read something like: “Ooga booga, dis mah woman, you no touchem!” More » 
If Critics Aren’t Dead Yet, Patrick Goldstein Will Finish the Job
9:10AM Defamer Hollywood | If film critics are in fact a dying breed, we at Defamer would like to urge them to get on with it. It’s a little cruel, we know; some of our best friends are critics, and we’ll miss them terribly. But if we have to read another motherfucking article like the one Patrick Goldstein wrote today about the Demise of the Print Film Critic, we’ll suck it up, go door-to-door and whack every reviewer we know our own selves just to make it stop. More »
