Well, just as we were rejoicing in the aisles over some happy Channel Nine-related news, it looks as though it's back to black - and then some - for the beleaguered television behemoth, with word that police are investigating claims incest couple John and Jenny Deaves may have pocketed mad 60 Minutes cash for telling their story.

And, as we all now know, they may be "in love", but they are also father and daughter, which makes them criminals.

The couple was convicted in the South Australian District Court in Mount Gambier last month of two counts each of incest relating to the conception of Celeste, and another baby who died in 2001 from a congenital heart defect.

Convicted criminals cannot profit directly from their crimes under Australian law.

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· First there was Ninja Warrior. Then came Unbeatable Banzuke. Now, we are holding our collective breath in hopes that the G4 Network brings Screaming Japanese Man to these fine shores. Until then, this will have to do. [YouTube]
· Hey you guys, do you like popular culture? How about the internet? If you answered "Yes" to both of these questions, we'd like to wholeheartedly recommend that you pay Videogum a visit. Co-written by longtime friends of Defamer Gabe Delahaye and Lindsay "Lindsayism" Robertson, we think it will make for a nice addition to your daily routine. Give it a whirl, wontcha? [Videogum]
· For those of you who enjoy both chocolate products and cannibalism equally (and frankly, who doesn't?), we're fairly certain you're gonna get a kick out of this: Newborns made of chocolate! [Pravda]
· We like Tay Zonday and "Chocolate Rain" quite plenty, but we would never get him tattoed on our arms. Nope, his face deserves Tramp Stamp placement all the way. [Blogger]
· And lastly, while we're not generally the type to toot our own horn, it's worth noting that the impossibly shiny-haired Olivia Munn gave us a shout-out on Attack Of The Show last night. The video clip appears, as things often do here, after the jump.

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Every girl wants to look like Paris Hilton. Well, probably not, but she certainly thinks they do. The - what are we calling her these days? Actress? Singer? Socialite? - is now also the "designer" of her own hideous line of shoes. With names like "Fierce" and "Hamptons," the shoes are just another step in Hilton's devious master plan to turn women everywhere into her. This comes not long after Paris launched her own line of hair extensions, DreamCatcher. It remains unclear who told the heiress that her own fake hair looked good, let alone encouraged her to sell a cheaper version to the public. As Tina Fey said of Hilton's week at the SNL studio back in 2006, "You would walk down the hall and find what just looked like nasty wads of Barbie hair on the stairs... Her hair is like a Fraggle." Certainly a ringing endorsement for her line!

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Not long after they "escorted" her from one of their flights after she allegedly assaulted a police officer, British Airways have decided there's one less supermodel temper they're prepared to deal with while floating miles above the ground in a tin tube filled with innocent bystanders and have banned Naomi Campbell from their flights.

(Really, we just wanted an excuse to use that amazing 'Here's Naomi' picture again, so cheers, BA!)

When asked about a report in the Mirror saying she had been banned, a spokesman said:
"We don't comment in detail about matters relating to individual passengers.

"All incidents of abuse against passengers or staff are taken extremely seriously by BA and will not be tolerated. We deal with cases on an individual basis and will take whatever action we feel is necessary."

Campbell's spokeswoman in London added: "Naomi has been flying with British Airways for nearly 30 years and has been a good customer. She hopes this can be resolved amicably."

Police are investigating the disturbance last Thursday at Heathrow's new Terminal 5.

Further accelerating his apparent collapse from coveted leading man to salt-and-pepper has-been, revised opening weekend figures for George Clooney's Leatherheads put the screwball gridiron comedy at a lackluster $12.6 million — a full million below Universal's original report and only enough for a third-place finish behind 21 and Nim's Island. While we maintain our original suspicion that no film can withstand a Reel Geezers pan, we don't actually think this portends the catastrophe foretold by more dedicated skeptics. We also appreciate Steven Zeitchik's moral support on Clooney's behalf at his Risky Biz blog: "Clooney hasn't opened a movie in a decade. Apart from the Ocean's pics — which the presence of Damon and Pitt render useless as evidence — no Clooney-anchored movie in recent memory has cracked $13 million in its first weekend of wide release. The Good German? Michael Clayton? Intolerable Cruelty? ... Box office just isn't his thing." Yessir, colour us reassured. [Reuters]

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OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!1 Guess what?! Pete Doherty is headed back to jail!

Really, Defamer Australia? Yes! Looks like, in a move that is completely out of character for the fine, upstanding young singer/songwriter, he breached his probation conditions and is back in the clink! For 14 weeks!

We know, we found it hard to believe ourselves! But the proof, as they say, is in the pudding (and the pudding is stained a queasy tinge of green and smells like stale cigarettes and wine dregs).

Parlophone Records said the Babyshambles frontman's show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for April 26 would have to be postponed.

"Peter was very much looking forward to the show and would like to offer his sincerest apologies to all his fans and all those concerned," the label said in a statement.

Adrian Hunter, Doherty's manager, said there were "numerous reasons" the singer/songwriter had been jailed.

"One of them was his latecoming at probation hearings," he said.

Doherty has been in and out of court over recent months in connection with his well-publicised battle with drug abuse. Tuesday's sentence was handed down at the West London Magistrate's Court.

Evidently Koby Abberton and his ilk are the talk of Tinseltown after their tiresome "we can't help bashing c--ts, we just had a hard childhood 'n' shit" doco The Bra Boys premiered this week, but he'd give all the hype in the world to make model girlfriend Tahyna Tozzi (no, we don't know how you're meant to pronounce "Tahyna" either) his wife:

"This is not my dream at all - I really don't want to be here to tell you the truth," Abberton told LA correspondent Peta Hellard.

His real dream, if his declarations of love were any indication, is to settle down with Tozzi.

"I ask her to marry me every single day, but she keeps saying no," he said.

We're inclined to think that if Abberton had a comic-book speech balloon attached to his head in that photo, it would read something like: "Ooga booga, dis mah woman, you no touchem!"

If film critics are in fact a dying breed, we at Defamer would like to urge them to get on with it. It's a little cruel, we know; some of our best friends are critics, and we'll miss them terribly. But if we have to read another motherfucking article like the one Patrick Goldstein wrote today about the Demise of the Print Film Critic, we'll suck it up, go door-to-door and whack every reviewer we know our own selves just to make it stop.

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Anyone who saw his appearance on Ellen today knows that Thomas Haden Church is a real laugh riot. Just ask Thomas Haden Church. His favourite joke? Showing his dick to people. After flashing his junk on the set of Sideways — not exactly the indie version of Porky's — the numbnuts mechanic from Wings decided the best way to keep his second chance at success going was to flash another cast and crew. On the set of his new film Smart People (which, judging from the preview, looks too dumb for smart people and too boring for dumb people) Church once again showed off his junk. "Dennis and the cameraman enjoyed that... Dennis whirled in disgust and left the set." Perhaps it is the belief that a successful joke clears the room which makes Church leave his "sticky fruits flopping around" all the time. Or maybe a better explanation can be found in the actor's own initials, THC. We're just saying... [Contact Music]

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It's a story as old as Hollywood itself: An attractive actor who's done everything he can to get himself into the spotlight just can't get the roles he wants. Is it because his acting isn't quite up to par? Of course not... It's because his agent sucks!

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Can you believe it's been eight years since Mrs. Frank Gifford "left" her post as co-host of Regis & Kathie Lee? (Yes kids, before there was Kelly, there was Kathie Lee.) It seems like just yesterday that the former pageant queen was smothering us with her cackling chatter and inane stories. But that was yesterday; this is Today.

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Just five years ago it was all smiles for the ladies of The OC, what with the joy of being "discovered" and booking magazine covers and enjoying all-around adoration from Hollywood and growing fan bases. But things have taken a turn for the drug-and-flop-filled worse since the show's demise. From Mischa Barton and Samaire Armstrong's recent personal issues to Rachel Bilson's film career, we checked in on the female alum to see if anyone's star is still burning bright.

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When it comes to Britney Spears' hard knocks and how she should fix 'em, everybody seems to have an opinion. (Ours is that she might want to consider a lovely little vacation in Kentwood, where there are plenty of doctors and no paparazzi). But rarely have the celebs offering their support come across as even more insane than Britney herself. Cue Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell.

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Though Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't done much acting lately (aside from announcing over and over that she's taking a break from it), she's still managing to make headlines for her time-tested preference for bizarre fashion. Most recently she's taken a page from her infamous Oscar goth screwup and picked a pair of tarantula-like black sandals to wear to a charity event in New York last night. A closer look at the half-boot half-sandal contraptions after the jump.

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We spit our whiskey across the bedroom this morning after reading that Oliver Stone's forthcoming W may not live up to the painstaking accuracy standards we've come to expect from the filmmaker. After the screenwriter put to bed our concerns that the pranks and outbursts included in last week's script review were not, in fact, April Fool's Day gags, Bush biographers are getting all fussy today over the actual historical record:

"It leaves you with the impression that the White House is run as a fraternity house with no reverence for hierarchy, the office itself or for the implications of policy," said Robert Draper, author of Dead Certain: The Presidency of George Bush. "Everybody calling everybody else nicknames and chatting about whether to go to war as if they were chatting about how to bet on a football game really misses the mark of how many White Houses, including this one, are run." ...

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As if George Lucas' forewarning that Indy 4 just won't be all that great weren't enough to lower our expectations, now we learn that heir to the throne Shia LaBeouf filmed most of his scenes while injured. As the star told MTV News, "I pulled a rotator cuff in my hip...because the injury got worse and worse while filming, I pulled my groin also." And not only did Shia gimp his way through scenes, recent reports suggest that he may have been high as a kite while filming. A recent blind item suggests Harrison Ford and his Mini-Me made a habit out of puffing the green dragon in Shia's trailer and even had code names for being stoned.

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Some people think that agents, executives and Anthony Pellicano are the most evil people in Hollywood. But watch Vh1's I Know My Kid's a Star for ten minutes and you'll see who the real villains are: Stage parents.

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Pamela Anderson is planning yet another small-screen comeback, but this time she's throwing out the scripts and going the reality route. The E! network —where they hand out shows to just about anyone with a sextape (or that sleeps with the boss)— is set to debut the half-hour Pamela this summer. The tagline? "The real woman behind the famous breasts" [Ed. Note - We would've gone with "The real woman behind the fake breasts", but that's just us]. As loathsome as this sounds, it's admittedly preferable to watching Anderson attempt to act (remember Stacked?), especially if E!'s cameras where there to film Pammy's behavior at Hugh Hefner's 82nd birthday party the other night.

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Kirsten Dunst hasn't wasted any time picking up old habits since quietly leaving rehab recently. No, silly, we aren't talking about booze, but rather boys. Dunst was spotted on what looked very much like a date with Ryan Gosling on Saturday in New York. The two are both slotted to start filming Andrew Jarecki's All Good Things soon, and the "shabby clothes" and length of the afternoon meeting suggest Dunst is back to working her boy-crazy charm on the scruffy Gosling. But just one year after splitting with longtime goody two shoes girlfriend and Best Kiss Award co-winner Rachel McAdams, we have to wonder what Gosling sees in the just-sprung Dunst.

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Yesterday, the troubled Tom Cruise/Nazi vehicle Valkyrie got pushed back — for a second time — from October to February 2009. MGM is painting the film's new release date as a golden holiday-weekend opportunity for the $90-million-plus historical drama, but it goes without saying this is beyond bullshit; no amount of spin from any of MGM boss Mary Parent's necktied monkeys can reclaim whatever traction Valkyrie might have had once upon a time. Its Cruise/Bryan Singer pedigree took its first hit when it was pushed back from summer '08 to fall ("Better Oscar chances!" we were told as Singer's reshoots pushed his budget and his star past their respective limits), and it now threatens to overtake Charlton Heston as this week's highest-profile celebrity casualty. "Valkyrie is dead," wrote David Poland at The Hot Blog. "There is no such thing as a good movie that gets moved from summer to fall to spring."

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In what could charitably called a polite preemptive blast against SAG and AFTRA, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers yesterday issued an open letter affirming its rightful position in the driver's seat of upcoming negotiations with the recently split actors unions. "Driver's seat" is probably also too kind; perhaps "bending its receivers over a barrel of new media revenues" is more like it:

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It's one thing when Courtney Love blogs about her legal problems, but Rob Lowe? Maybe it's our Brat Pack fever or simply the fact that he's always flashing the peace sign, but we never figured Lowe as the type to air his dirty laundry online. Especially when the laundry in question involves an alleged "close and intimate relationship" with a former nanny. According to a HuffPo post by Lowe yesterday, a longtime nanny is trying to extort money from him and his wife after claiming Rob pulled a Jude Law:

"A former employee is demanding my wife Sheryl and I pay her $1.5 million by the end of the week or she will accuse us both of a vicious laundry list of false terribles."

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Defamer bumped into Oscar-winner Errol Morris last night at a special screening of his new film Standard Operating Procedure, a harrowing, exhaustive exploration of the scandal and aftermath of the torture photos taken at Abu Ghraib. After drawing Morris's attention with the tray of delicious hors d'oeuvres we were serving as part of our second job, we managed to corner him into a few quick comments about the prospects for his documentary in an increasingly inhospitable era for movies about the Iraq War.

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