Looking for a quick snack that won't spoil your dinner? Might we suggest tearing into a Dirt Sandwich? Make sure to grab yourself a placemat and a handful of napkins, for this week's double decker supreme is stacked to the ceiling with this week's messiest infotainment offerings. Compiled with care by Defamer's resident culinary expert, Molly McAleer, we think you'll find this to be the tastiest sammy you've noshed on all week. Join us as we find out how Amy Winehouse's face looks these days (answer: better than Harvey Levin thinks), what a teary Hayden Panettiere did immediately after receiving an award for Saving The Whales (or some such nonsense) and what Harrison Ford thinks of being slimed. Pay close attention, lest you miss the revelation of whether or not Dancing With The Stars' Priscilla Presley spray tans or not ... a special CoJo investigate report! Enjoy, kids, enjoy!

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It took long enough, but the release date of Scarlett Johansson's highly anticipated debut album is near. The LP, titled Anywhere I Lay My Head, features album cover art of Scarlett looking like an introspective earth mother and showcases her trademark fiery red lips and oft-victimised bosom. And what are we to expect from the music itself? As People reports, her long-awaited covers of famous Tom Waits tunes will include vocals from David Bowie and one original track by Scarlett herself, which sounds like it could be promising. But we took a look back at some of her past performances to get a better sense of what Scarlett's presumably sexy vocals sound like, and aren't entirely convinced Grammys lie in her future.

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Sometimes a celebrity marriage rumour comes along that you simply can't ignore. Photo agencies bombard you with visual proof, New York State court legislation is involved, and the very fact that the starry couple in question seems destined to stay together begin to haunt you throughout the day until you just can't stay quiet anymore. Today's are-they-or-aren't-they couple, of course, is Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z. Rumours surfaced on Tuesday that the pair had filed for a marriage licence upstate, and construction on the rapper's rooftop coupled with reports that floral arrangements and standard wedding gear chandeliers had been shipped to his penthouse are beginning to convince us that the longtime couple is finally tying the knot. We sort through all the fishy and not-so-fishy details after the jump, and leave it to you to tell us whether or not we should "bite the hook", as Bobby Brown would say.

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Last night's Office rerun brought a tear to our eye, and not because of the hilarious antics of that wacky Dwight Schrute. In case you missed it, at the end of the episode they showed an incredibly sweet video of a 15-year-old boy playing The Office theme on his piano, followed by an "In Memoriam" note. That boy was Nathan Alden Robinson, who died last month of complications from the flu.

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Mere days after the news of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 3 flared a fresh ulcer in our cultural digestive tract, news over the wire says Bob Weinstein is planning his own Apocalypse Pre-Game Show with a remake of the 1986 hit Short Circuit. The original featured Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy in top form as the annoying flesh-and-blood foils of a stupid fucking wise-cracking government robot named Johnny Five, who gets struck by goddamned lightning and finds Gadget Jesus or some bullshit that changes his whole global perspective to pro-peace/disarmament/"fuck you Ronald Reagan." But wait — it gets worse.

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Renee Zellweger may have brought the va va voom factor to Letterman last night in her body-hugging red Old Hollywood dress, but one of her talking points was far from glamorous. While chatting with Dave about shooting Chilled In Miami in temperatures she claimed reached 57 below, Renee delves deep into the physical effects that kind of weather can have on the body, particularly the ways in which bodily fluids react to icy weather. And those effects do not look pretty in close-ups. But thanks to her sugary Southern accent and last-minute decision to impersonate her own snot for Dave, we're ready to forgive her for all that twitchy Hitchcock-inspired emoting she slaughtered us with last month. [CBS]

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It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and Kate Bosworth's party guests learned that the hard way over the weekend. At a little soirée to celebrate the success of her new crapfest movie 21, Bosworth's dog bit co-star Aaron Yoo square in the face!

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Nicolas Cage's long, excruciating nightmare on the International Chihuahua-Thief Blacklist ended today in a British court, where his solicitor acknowledged a settlement between the Oscar-winner and rumor-slinging memoirist Kathleen Turner. The actress wrote of several newly disproven Cage exploits in her recent book Send Yourself Roses, including being "arrested twice for drunk-driving" and renting-to-own a Chihuahua on the set of Peggy Sue Got Married. Cage took his beef to court after the Daily Mail published the offending excerpt. Sadly, we've learned that the resolution will deprive us of some of our favourite apocrypha of contemporary literature:

[Cage's lawyer Simon] Smith said that Turner, Associated Newspapers and Headline Publishing Group now accepted that, owing to a mistake on Turner's part and despite the other defendants' publishing in good faith, the allegations were defamatory and false and ought never to have been published. ...

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Poor Frank Darabont. The much-loved(ish) writer/director of The Shawshank Redemption has had a rough few days. First, in a stroke of George Clooney-esqe fate, he found that he would not be getting screenplay credit on Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. As he says, "I know there are some common elements to what I gave Steven [Spielberg] and what was eventually shot, but I guess not enough to warrant credit. It's clearly a disappointment, especially after Steven loved my script." Notice that Darabont goes out of his way to not mention George Lucas. Apparently there's some tension between the two. When asked if he'd ever work with Lucas again, Darabont coldly replied:

"Honestly, our storytelling sensibilities have diverged to the point where that would be a pointless exercise."

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The always-surprising, always-annoying David Blaine plans on staying awake for 13 days for his next "stunt," and Keith Richards has some anecdotal advice for him. As Richards' latest bout of playing Dr. Phil proves, Blaine's newest idea isn't so original; Keef already decided to see what would happen by forcing himself not to sleep for 9 consecutive days back in the '70s. As Richards told the SF Gate, "On the ninth day...I fell asleep and crashed headfirst into a JVC speaker, smashing my nose apart. I just lay there and let it bleed. It was a chemical thing." While we're sure these rocker words of wisdom won't deter Blaine's masterful and magical plans, we do suggest he avoids snorting ashes and takes Keith's advice to nose-proof whatever fish tank he envisions pulling this off inside of. [SF Gate]

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Our poor, blog-addled attention spans are often too fried to catch TV hosts recycling other people's material, let alone their own. But a quick-witted tipster pointed out how David Letterman made it easy over the last two nights, setting a remarkable new joke-recycling standard almost too good to be true. Which is to say: This can't possibly have happened on a major late-night talk show, could it? It's not as though they're verbatim plagiarizations — at least the one-word punchlines to his identical Eliot Spitzer gags were changed — but with an overlap of about 90 percent and a facial-expression redundancy rate near 100, we're wondering who Letterman's rehashed joke is actually on. Moreover, with rain today in New York, will it "feel like spring" yet again tonight? [CBS, video by Molly McAleer]

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Remember yesterday when we posted about how incorrigibly charming George Clooney is? Well, according to Variety, the WGA might not agree. After an arbitration hearing where the Guild failed to give Clooney a writing credit for Leatherheads, he decided to become a Financial Core member. That means he can't vote, run for office, or attend meetings, yet he still has to pay dues. But as Hollywood's most rakish bachelor explains,

"When your own union doesn't back what you've done, the only honorable thing to do is not participate."

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Not only does Katherine Heigl lack the sensitivity gene when it comes to her marital bliss, but she's also missing a hefty dose of gaydar. Before her Grey's Anatomy co-star T.R. Knight was sweetly outed by since-fired Isaiah Washington, Katie apparently had a big ol' schoolgirl crush on him during the first season. And in standard Heigl fashion, she simply couldn't comprehend why T.R. wasn't showering her with affection after weeks of batting her lashes and sending out ostentatious signals. As The Sun quotes Katie:

"I was getting nowhere and I was super-confused. I was like, 'Hello? Do I have something hanging out of my nose? Why aren't you paying any attention to me?"

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Tom Cruise has personally —personally— helped hundreds of people get off drugs. And now he will indirectly —indirectly— get you stoned out of your mind! Yes, there's a new strain of medical marijuana hitting the cannabis clubs called Tom Cruise Purple. The vial it comes in has a picture of Cruise laughing hysterically, and the weed is reportedly so powerful that it makes you hallucinate to the point of seeing Overlord Xenu.

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As Dolly Parton famously said: "It takes a lot of money to look this cheap." But after learning what Kevin Federline spent most of his money on last year, that catchphrase now has an even more deserving owner. As Us reports, credit card bills recently released by an LA court reveal what K. Fed spends a good chunk of those Britney-given child support payments on: strippers, Las Vegas hotel rooms and plenty of bottle service at flashy nightclubs. The silver lining? When the strippers do their job well, Federline is a generous tipper:

"At Scores strip club, he gave $2,000 on a $365 meal bill."

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Though hearing about some of the scary diet tactics used by stars last month was unnerving, the names associated with the far from healthy tips weren't earth-shattering: Nicole Richie, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are commonly featured in the weeklies when chatter of weight loss methods comes up. But the highbrow BFF team that is Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham isn't the standard source of speculation. Sure, they're incredibly thin despite pregnancies, but they've so far managed not to be outed when it comes to specific Desperately Seeking Thinness claims. But after a recent sighting at Madeo, Katie and Posh have officially topped the "scary" list of celebs who use outlandish methods when it comes to staying skinny...

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Life's not exactly what you'd call a bitch for James Ellroy, Los Angeles crime novelist extraordinaire and co-screenwriter (for the first time) of next week's Keanu Reeves/Forest Whitaker cop thriller Street Kings. Nevertheless, as evinced by today's LA Times profile, the new film is one of the few Ellroy projects — after one hit (LA Confidential) and a succession of misfires (The Black Dahlia) and lost causes (White Jazz) — for which anyone has sustained any hopes coming out of the gate.

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