UTA’s Assistant-Dehumanization Campaign Surprisingly Unpopular With UTA Assistants

We turn now to the toiling assistant underclass, thanklessly shoveling call-rolling coal into the giant furnaces of the majestic agenting ships that dominate the Hollywood seas. (Forgive us. We’re tired and all we can manage are Titanic-inspired metaphors right now.) Sadly, it’s news of yet another dehumanizing blow to their ranks, as UTA higher-ups circulated a memo today informing assistants they would no longer have e-mail addresses using their own names. Instead, their new e-mail addresses would reflect their parasitic dependency on their desk-lamp-launching host-agents. The memo:

UTA is changing the email address formula for its assistants, so you should now email me at:

agentfirstagentlastasst@unitedtalent.com

Sorry for any inconvenience.

But wait! After the jump! An assistant ¿¡Revolución!?

After much grumbling, a second companywide e-mail was circulated:

Sent: Thursday, March 06, 2008 4:01 PM Subject: EMAILs HAVE BEEN CHANGED BACK….

Due to a minor interoffice uprising, UTA assistant emails have been
changed back to their original addresses.

You can now reach me at:

lastnamefirstinitial@unitedtalent.com

Sorry for any inconvenience.

So let us rejoice for this small victory on the part of the unsung Hollywood assistant, now reachable by personalized e-mail, as well as by Intel-brand tracking chip implanted deep into the subcortex via modified air-hammer type device.

• unitedtalent.com