Send Everyone Else Home: In The Bachelor’s Stacey, We Found A Slut We Can Take To Mom

It’s startling to us that after the last iteration of ABC’s perennial romance sweepstakes–in which Hunkiest Bachelor of Them All Brad Womack cruelly withheld a suspiciously oversized engagement ring from last-standing-soulmate Deanna, choosing instead to slip the sparkling keepsake over his own member as a gesture of narcissistic fidelity–that producers of The Bachelor would find another 25 women desperate, lonesome, and fame-whorey enough to subject themselves to similar, nationally televised humiliation.

But who are we kidding: Of course they did! In last night’s season premiere of The Bachelor: London Calling (a title we’re all but certain has the hearty endorsement of all surviving Clash members), Hunkiest British Bachelor Ever Matt Grant was floored by the non-stop parade of beauties, plucked from all 13 colonies and working in every imaginable profession–from administrative assistant to pharmaceutical sales rep to administrative pharmaceutical sales rep assistant. But only one earned our First Impression Rose (lovingly crafted out of pipe cleaners and a coffee filter), and that is contestant Stacey from Chicago. Clearly the result of a network mandate to “add a little I Love New York flavor to the season,” Stacey rocketed directly into our hearts the moment she slur-relayed her life’s dream of using her “Bachelors in Nutrition…to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of.” By the time she was passed out face-first, unconsciously humping the bare twin mattress to the rhythm of her own snoring, we knew we had found The One.

• The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]