Nigella “Secretly” Seeing Personal Trainer; We “Secretly” Think This Is A Load Of Arse

We told you recently that the Food Network in America were apparently horrified by the size of TV chef Nigella Lawson’s behind (like a horse’s, apparently); much groaning ensued.

Well, the seemingly irrelevant “news” of her weight gain continues to inspire rabid editorial, as the Daily Mail has reported that Lawson is apparently so mortified at putting on weight that she is seeing a personal trainer in a clandestine manner more suited to secret drug drop-offs than exercise, one would think.

The domestic goddess, who admits to a weakness for calorific treats, has embarked on an intense exercise regime in a bid to lose weight.

Says a chum: “Nigella has been secretly meeting a personal trainer to do an aerobic work-out session tailored to help her get back into shape.”

Is that so, “chum”?

The problem seems to be this: Nigella Lawson is and has always been referred to as “sexy” or “hot”. Current media/celebrity theory also tells us that to be hot, one has to be slim. You can be “ugly” and fat, or maybe even “funny” and fat, but you can’t be sexy and “corpulent” (thanks, odious Age editorial).

This whole thing makes us feel more ill than we would if we ate one of Lawson’s cream and butter stuffed honey baked ham lard sandwiches deep fried in chocolate – honestly, WHO CARES what size she is. Who cares what size anyone is! She’s a chef for crine-outloud!