Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Snort Coke Off Your Copy Of The New Testament…
If your interests include rolling around in a pit of $100 bills and doing lines on the rock hard buttocks of Columbian rentboys, well – you may be in trouble in the afterlife. It would seem the Vatican have decided to update the Seven Deadly Sins, with the Rome massive adding “being obscenely wealthy” (presumably they can’t see the irony in this) and “taking or dealing drugs” to their list of mortal sins, along with a few other nasty acts they deem Hellworthy.
“New sins have appeared on the horizon of humanity as a corollary of the unstoppable process of globalisation,” Monsignor Girotti said.
“You offend God not only by stealing, blaspheming or coveting your neighbour’s wife – but also by ruining the environment, carrying out morally debatable scientific experiments, or allowing genetic manipulations which alter DNA or compromise embryos.”
The other “new” mortal sins included taking or dealing drugs and causing poverty or the “excessive accumulation of wealth by a few”, Monsignor Girotti said.
According to the Catholic Church, “immediately after death the souls of those who die in a state of mortal sin descend into Hell.”
What we’d like to know is – is there a cut off date for these mortal sins? You know. Like, if perhaps our favourite thing in the world to do was neck pills and inhale trucker speed but it wasn’t officially a mortal sin when we did it, are we in the clear as long as we don’t do it again? God. It’s all so confusing, this man-made religion stuff.
There are, of course, two positives regarding this story.
Firstly, we are impressed that the Vatican has finally noticed that society is a rapidly evolving beast, and the rules rich white dudes made up to control the masses 1400 years ago may not be as intimidating as they once were. Gluttony a deadly sin? Well, deadly is right – as pretty much any medical health professional will tell you, heart disease is a major cause of death amongst overfed unhealthy folk around the world! No, fear of an upsized Quarter Pounder meal sending you to Hell just won’t cut the mustard these days, especially when your average fatty is more terrified of what Bob and Jillian from The Biggest Loser would think of their eating habits than what Jesus would say about their late night calorie binges. We look forward to the Vatican updating their
blog list of the worst moral failures to include “finding out your partner’s password and using it to login to their Gmail account”, “actually engaging in online fisticuffs”, and “watching and/or participating in late night game shows like The Mint”.
Secondly, there’s a chance we can finally get a sequel of this movie! We would most definitely pay money to go and watch 4teen in the plush comfortable armchairs of our local cinema.