It’s Confirmed: Humanity Is Doomed

You know, on the topic of humanity’s slow and steady downfall, most people would point to things like overpopulation, recession, rising rates of arcane sexually-transmitted diseases, the brain drain, or maybe the fact that the Third World is still hungry and sick with illnesses that should’ve been magicked away years ago.

We here at Defamer Australia, however, believe the evidence will be found here:

Given the unstoppable rise of text language, it was only a matter of time before children’s names went the way of traditional English.

Sure enough, text-style versions have begun to appear on birth certificates. Anne has been changed to An, Connor to Conna and Laura to Lora. Six boys were named Cam’ron instead of Cameron. According to the online parenting club Bounty, one girl born last month was named Flicity. And there are numerous young chaps named Samiul.

Last year, a couple were told they would not be allowed to register their son’s name as 4Real.

Officials in New Zealand ruled that the use of a number made it inappropriate, so Pat and Sheena Wheaton had to opt for their second choice – Superman.

“Conna”? “An”? “FLICITY”?!

Please, if there is a God, could s/he start instigating some sort of anti-dickhead gene, so that as soon as a human being thinks, “You know what? These yellow sunglasses are the bomb shit, let’s have a party!” or “Hey, girlfriend, could you have a close look at this broken wine glass for me?“, they explode into a fine, bloody mist.

If not god, then Michael Bay. Which is near enough.