Curious linguists, in an effort to understand the mysteries of the David Caruso delivery, in which the words spill with the slow inevitability of poured concrete, recently ran the ginger haired leading man's lines through a sophisticated sonic analysis, one that converted the sound waves into visual patterns. The results were astonishing! For when plotted visually, one can discern the unmistakable outline of a douche bag.

bluelanugo

As long as he continues to murder his every line, he can ignore any and all bottles, I say.

FamaEst

That montage is dizzying. I give credence to the props claim because he always puts the glasses on with two hands, something I haven't seen anybody above the age of four ever do. He must have all the dexterity of a grizzly bear.

Sweet Panda Love

Ah, a couple of things about David Caruso. One, he's the only one on that show who can act. His leading lady Emily Proctor is conceivably the worst actress in history. And not one of the rest of the cast is likeable. OK, the cop guy is kind likeable.

And I did see an interview with Caruso within the past year in which the interviewer poked fun at the sunglasses thing and Caruso seemed in on the joke.

Finally, and please, beat me over the head for this because, to quote Doctor McCoy, "I'm not a drama critic." I think that what Caruso is doing is channelling Alec Guinness's performance as George Smiley in "Tinker Tailor ..." and "Smiley's People." The slow delivery, the faint smile, the odd little pauses and inflections ...

You can argue whether Caruso is doing it well or not, but I think that's what he's up to.

Michael Jahn

A friend shot an episode opposite him. She told me they would shoot all of Caruso's stuff first up, and she would have to do her closeups with a stand-in because by 12, 1ish, he is totally 'gone'. Seriously, he's the mayor of Crazy Town.

secretagentman

I like this Caruso cheezy moments montage that includes the "YEAAAAAAAAAAH!" from the start of the credits...

+ Watch video

Hez

What a tool. I have never understood the appeal of this douche.

Tippi from Toronto

Caruso comes from the Adam West school of acting.

Cultmember

Well, this could be like "Hudson Hawk", and he could just pass out note cards and act dramatic

DemolitionMan

If that's the 'scriptwriter' I'm thinking of, not only does he have good Caruso stories, he's also quite adorable for a silver fox.

hack-a-rific

@bluelanugo: Fabulous. Thanks for the laughs \(*)-(*)/

TryThisAtHome

@Sheargenius79: Don't you have to be able to "act" to "overact"?

Little Mintz Sunshine

@Michael Jahn: He did the same thing on NYPD Blue. Look, there's one thing to channel Alec Guiness. But it's an other thing to stay on that one channel in everything you do.

el smrtmnky

Oh god...the episode with him and Elizabeth Berkley was pure genius. It was almost like they were trying to one-up each other on horrible overacting. Disgusting and entertaining at the same time.

Sheargenius79

CSI:Miami lost me the first time when it got painful to watch Emily Proctor work despite the extra spine she acquired in that unfortunate accident in the broom closet. CSI:Miami lost me for good the time they had bank robbers using a tsunami as part of their getaway scheme. But David Caruso, I've always liked him and don't worry much that he repeats mannerisms. The sunglasses schtick is a bit much, but I presume he didn't write it.

Michael Jahn

@Little Mintz Sunshine: touche'. Horrible no talent having selves. Bleh.

Sheargenius79

I hope I can get big enough one day to have a problem with thresholds.

Glass_Family

I like him, I can't help it (although I haven't watched the show in a few years). However, I find the little "two-step" he does to plant himself for the camera, far more entertaining than the sunglasses move.

Xylo

I didn't see him remove his sunglasses even once in that entire montage.

Doug Nelson

He strikes me as a Shatner-type, who started out as a total jackass, but is now in on his own jackassery, which makes it way funnier.

Go Like Hell Machine

@Hez: Roger Daltry does that yell especially well.

Michael Jahn

I've never understood the fascination with this pasty faced gnome ...

Whinemaker

Their biggest mistake was getting rid of Kim Delaney, who made Caruso's line readings look passable by comparison.

Remember how Kim used... to insert randomly... placed pauses in the... dialogue? Probably because she... couldn't always remember her... lines?

nick_r

how does this show survive? back in it's heyday I attempted to watch one episode - and his acting was SO bad, dialogue so trite - I found it unwatchable after less than ten minutes
(and I know so little about acting - that's never happened before..)

fembot

Adam West, early Bill Shatner & this guy, gotta love em.

tbolt

I only watch to see Eve LaRue. Caruso is just filler.

rockogre

His replication of the precisely the same intonation with every line has left me breathless with amazement. Who's job is it to pull the string coming out of his back?

CrankYank

@Doug Nelson: Exactly - I thought this was a sunglasses "removal" montage. I'm so confused.

snarkordie

I'm sure the person who was unfortunate enough to have to create this montage is safely tucked away in a padded room. Yet another victim of Caruso. Tch tch.

remedialwhino

@tbolt: Caruso is the new Shatner. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And he's a diet coke fiend, too. I used to see a lot of dailies from the show, and it's just take after take of Caruso improvising dialogue up to the scenes money line, and right at the big moment, he'll bust the take and say "I'm not feeling it, get me a diet coke"

I thought about building a gag reel of those moments, but there were just way too many.

DCI Gene Hunt

Anyone ever see IFC's Dinner for Five with David Milch? It was a fabulous episode, and Milch talked about how much of a dick he thought Caruso was when they worked on NYPD Blue together. To the point where, during a heated argument with Caruso, Milch felt a sharp pain in his chest and realized he was having a heart attack. But he wouldn't let "that son of a bitch" win the argument by default - and he didn't want Caruso to know he'd gotten under Milch's skin so badly it was literally killing him - so Milch continued the spat until he had the last word, and stalked off, only to collapse the second he was out of Caruso's sightline.

Wendy_Kroy

It really baffles me how they continue to employ Caruso when it appears that everyone involved with the show knows he can't deliver a line (or apparently perform actions while speaking) to save his life. It pains me when...he.......speaks.......

EleanorRigby

@Wendy_Kroy: Yes, that was a great Milch story. Of course, they're all great Milch stories. That man has lived a life that makes Downey and Kiefer look like a pair of altar boys.

nick_r

@nick_r: Also, she was drunk.

Hez

David Caruso is an acting GOD! Besides, without him, how would I play the CSI:Miami drinking game every Monday? And I always win, btw... That montage would have gotten me a "win", bigtime.

cozymoses

@Wendy_Kroy: but strangely, their daughters became college roommates...

Little Mintz Sunshine

I had to stop watching all CSI branded crap - as Mr P finds my screaming at the TV jarring...

Plus I physically cringe every time anyone on those shows open their mouths. Where did they get the scriptwriters? Obvious Town, Pun Palace and Unbelievable Plot Device City?

Miss d

@Wendy_Kroy: GREAT story, thanks for sharing!

MsMuffinMcGuffin

Wendy Kroy and One Set Snitch...good dish! TV is the monster that feeds these egos and makes us fat. Maybe that is why I am putting myself on a TV diet. How can putting on a pair of glasses be promulgated into something extraordinary?

Superstarsteve

It's taken me a bit of courage to actually fess up to what I've seen on the set of CSI:Miami, but I actually worked there for two years and saw first-hand almost 50 episodes being filmed. Caruso is without a doubt, the most tortured, saddest man-child/ actor I've ever seen in over 15 years of movie and tv-making. Everything you have heard is true, but worse. He can't walk and talk at the same time (you should see him on stairs), requires dozens of takes for simplest line-readings (which as we all know, he can only do one way), and can't even put his csi gloves on on-camera (always a time cut, just watch). He will cuss uncontrollably (often in front of a child actor) and blame everyone but himself for his inability to act. He used to hack up big loogies on the floor of the set, too, until a producer gently reminded him of sanitation and courtesy. Oh, and he re-writes every scene he is in, so he is totally to blame for the hackneyed one-liners. He will take anything the writers give him, and destroy it. And the sunglass bit is all his, a truly innovative contribution to his character. But as he said to us many times, "What should I do? I am a grown man with red hair."

We used to call the diet coke his "acting juice."

PS - He once asked the DP to make it seem like he was flying to the crime scene, explaining that Horatio is actually a mythical superhero. For Real.

OnSetSnitch

RE: Adam West. The difference is that West was always in on the joke. Batman was meant to be camp. I've worked with West. Nicest guy on the planet, totally self-aware and in on the joke, and very funny. Can you imagine Caruso parodying himself the way West does on Family Guy?

Overachiever

If we snooze to his routine, it must be deadly dull for cast and crew to trudge the same dreary path week after week. Are we not collectively done with seeing any and all crime scene investigations?

(It would be great to view a clip reel of sunglasses being removed - does one exist?)

ophthalmologist