Clan Of The Cavemodels

Posted by Seth at 3:00 AM on March 11, 2008

As you recover from one of the more jarring daylight savings shifts in recent memory, try as hard as you can to avoid the stares of co-workers who can't help but notice you sporting your stubbornly punctual morning priapism. Perhaps the box office numbers will ease the transition:

 

1. 10,000 B.C. - $35.730 million
Having already put his signature on laughably outlandish disaster flicks about malevolent extraterrestrials, radiocative lizards, and low-pressure systems, director Roland Emmerich has turned to the grunt-only world of Cro-Magnon Man. While not quite managing to crack the imaginary $40 million blockbuster line, there was still a significant audience that showed up wanting to learn more about our little-known, dreadlocked human ancestors, marked by their flawless skin, blinding smiles, and remarkable courage in the face of sabre-toothed green-tennis-balls-on-a-stick.

2. College Road Trip - $14 million
Sadly, those who paid for a ticket to College Road Trip hoping to witness the breakout stardom of a black DJ Qualls were left sorely disappointed.

3. Vantage Point - $7.5 million
Having virtually nothing left to say about Vantage Point, we thought we'd check in with some of its stars side projects: How's Dewmocracy, Forest Whitaker's venture into the democratization of Mountain Dew flavors, coming along, for example? Well, apparently we have three finalists: Mountain Dew® Supernova™, Mountain Dew® Voltage™ and Mountain Dew® Revolution™. Which drink becomes the next Mountain Dew® is up to you!

4. Semi-Pro - $5.9 million
A drop of over 60% from an already lackluster opening weekend makes Semi-Pro an official disappointment™. Luckily, Hollywood loves nothing more than a comeback, priming Will Ferrell for his next part: In Duke LaCrosse: B-Movie Superstar, Ferrell plays a comedic movie actor whose reliance on cheap sight gags and predictable formula removes the luster from a once white-hot career. Still, with the help of some cheap sight gags (he has an afro for some reason) and the predictable Ferrell-brand formula audiences love, he manages to once again conquer America's hearts. It's as good as a slam dunk!

5. The Bank Job - $5.71 million
Proving there's an always an audience for an old-fashioned heist flick, Lionsgate's The Bank Job scored a decent take for its 1,600-screen-opening, setting the stage nicely for a sequel featuring some of the other B-list stars in its stable. And with the great reviews it's getting, it won't take Jessica Alba much convincing to sign on for BJ2: Back For More before she even sees a script.

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