Our closely watched forays into Lindsay Lohan Sex Tape Authentication (and Eventual Debunking) elicited a response late Thursday from representatives for Lohan ex Calum Best, whose D-list member was absolutely, positively, most certainly for sure not the one serviced in the discredited cell-phone short. He should be so lucky -- or so his handlers say:

 

While the 21-year-old did date Calum last year, his publicist is now setting the record straight. "It's not Calum, " his rep tells In Touch. "If it was Calum we would have it shrink-wrapped and put out onto a DVD for Christmas," he adds. "Believe me, it's not him. We'd all be retired by now if that were the case."

Naturally, we don't believe for a moment that the representative for someone as heatedly in-demand as Calum Best would ever fully give up the thrill of planting bogus sex-tape rumors speaking on behalf of such accomplished, vigorously pursued young talent. We should all be so lucky to have a gig requiring merely one week of work per year. Don't take it for granted!

• Lindsay in Sex-Tape Scandal [In Touch]

Tags: calum best | lindsay lohan | sex tapes | simply the best