Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Mama Winehouse’s (Probably Unwanted) Time In The Spotlight
4:24PM Clem Bastow | Throughout the whole saga that has been Amy Winehouse’s life for the past year or so, you don’t really hear much from mum Janis; it seems Mitch Winehouse has become the unofficial family mascot and mouthpiece – although why this came about may be made clearer now that Janis has revealed she suffers from MS and has done for 30 years.
In this piece she talks about her determination not to let the crippling disorder rule her life, and mentions that symptoms are exacerbated in times of stress (i.e. ARE YOU READING THIS, AMY?), and generally seems like a pretty damn awesome, right-on kinda woman.
We’re just not so sure about the Mail’s choice of headline:
Then again, Janis sounds like the sort who wouldn’t stop short of a laugh at her own expense (so long as she was making the joke), so we’ll let it slide provided AMY STOPS STRESSING OUT HER POOR MAM.
And while we’ve got your attention, there’s always time to make a donation towards funding MS research and services for people with MS, so off you trot to www.msaustralia.org.au/donate/ – just don’t tell them Janis Winehouse sent you, she probably wouldn’t be down with that. More » 
What Ever Could You Be Referring To, Sydney Confidential?
4:09PM Clem Bastow | Evidently tonight on It Takes Two, ironwoman and lass about town Candice Falzon will be appropriately kitted up for the celebreality show’s disco night.
This means a stupid wig, a stupider wig on partner/mentor Anthony Callea (the pair have previously smooched onscreen in a gimmicky pash about as “hot” as an Eskimo Pie), and, it seems, a rather short frock.
But, what’s that, Confidential, you have something to say about her dress and its lack of fabric? Please, do go on!
Really though, it’s not as if internet users haven’t seen it all before.
Hmm! We wonder if Confidential might be making a rather snide reference to the incident known memorably as “Dunny Gate”, in which Falzon and Sonny Bill Williams decided to get frisky in a toilet cubicle, only to find themselves the stars of the latest celebrity nude upskirt oops debacle?
No, they’d never imply something like that… More » 
Yet Another British Reality Tv Show To Make Us Bitterly Jealous Of Our Pals Across The Pond
3:19PM Clem Bastow | We’ve spoken at length before about our love of the UK’s knack for coming up with incredible celebreality television concepts, from Celebrity Wife Swap sending Freddie Starr’s wife to play lesbians with Sam Fox’s lover, to Kerry Katona’s fly-on-the-wall series.
Well, those crazy Brits have outdone themselves AGAIN, this time managing to make us drool unfairly by combining car crash television with our other great loves, musical theatre and child performers!
They come from all over the country and from very different backgrounds but these 12 boys are all prepared to do anything to be Oliver.
The contestants are the dozen finalists in the BBC’s latest collaboration with Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
On offer to three of the boys is a coveted part in West End musical Oliver!
The shortlist has been whittled down from 3,000 and all 12 of the finalists are aged 10 to 13 with nine from England, two from Wales and one from Northern Ireland.
Jordan, 13, from Wrexham, is a Chelsea fan who has set his heart on a career in musical theatre. He says his idols are Ant and Dec.
Gwion, 11, from Carmarthen, names Harry Potter actor Gary Oldman as his ideal co-star and has ambitions of going on to be a director.
Meanwhile Kwayedze, 13, from Kent, wants to pursue a song-writing career, says his favourite group is Boyz II Men and would love to work with Johnny Depp.
Etc, etc – there are 12 of the plucky little buggers! The show is also pitting 12 young female performers against each other in the bloody fight to win the role of Oliver’s guardian angel/scrag with a heart of gold, Nancy.
Apart from anything else, the whole thing is so massively, fantastically camp – look at the official site!
What makes us even more seething with jealousy is that this is the third installment in the series; previously How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? and Any Dream Will Do found new stars for The Sound Of Music and Joseph & The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat respectively.
No fair! We’d give our right arm, and probably our left one too, if we could get Grant Denyer and Erica Heynatz off the tele and something like this on it! More » 
Nigella “Secretly” Seeing Personal Trainer; We “Secretly” Think This Is A Load Of Arse
3:04PM Clem Bastow | We told you recently that the Food Network in America were apparently horrified by the size of TV chef Nigella Lawson’s behind (like a horse’s, apparently); much groaning ensued.
Well, the seemingly irrelevant “news” of her weight gain continues to inspire rabid editorial, as the Daily Mail has reported that Lawson is apparently so mortified at putting on weight that she is seeing a personal trainer in a clandestine manner more suited to secret drug drop-offs than exercise, one would think.
The domestic goddess, who admits to a weakness for calorific treats, has embarked on an intense exercise regime in a bid to lose weight.
Says a chum: “Nigella has been secretly meeting a personal trainer to do an aerobic work-out session tailored to help her get back into shape.”
Is that so, “chum”?
The problem seems to be this: Nigella Lawson is and has always been referred to as “sexy” or “hot”. Current media/celebrity theory also tells us that to be hot, one has to be slim. You can be “ugly” and fat, or maybe even “funny” and fat, but you can’t be sexy and “corpulent” (thanks, odious Age editorial).
This whole thing makes us feel more ill than we would if we ate one of Lawson’s cream and butter stuffed honey baked ham lard sandwiches deep fried in chocolate – honestly, WHO CARES what size she is. Who cares what size anyone is! She’s a chef for crine-outloud! More » 
Sienna Sees True Beauty Of “Ugly” Rhys, Accepts Proposal
2:49PM Clem Bastow | It’s taken them some time, but it looks like Rhys Ifans and Sienna Miller are finally engaged!
(And when we say “finally”, it’s only because in Hollywood, getting engaged at any point past the, say, three-month anniversary is like, totally taking it too slowly. And staying married for more than six months is a long haul worthy of a telegram from the Queen, or something.)
Who do we have to thank for distributing this happy news? Why, Ifans’ mum, naturally!
Ifans’ mum Beti-Wyn Evans revealed she’s delighted at the prospect of having Miller as her daughter-in-law.
She said: “They adore each other and I am so pleased for them. They make a fantastic couple. We think she is lovely, absolutely fantastic.”
No doubt this will be vindication to poor old Rhys, who was rather unfairly used to illustrate this Daily Mail story on beautiful women being more likely to have happy relationships with ugly men.
Come on, Rhys, ugly? We’d tap that, even in his grotty Reg Grundies from Notting Hill! Actually, come to think of it, especially in them… More » 
Paul McCartney Just Can’t Get Enough Courtroom Action
2:37PM Clem Bastow | It’s probably safe to say Sir Paul McCartney didn’t really enjoy dragging his recently deceased marriage through the courts these past aeons months – however, that’s not the norm for he of the perky eyebrows, as he’s quite happy to get sue-tastic when it comes to his baby, The Beatles.
This is somewhat at odds with his other favourite pastime – making lots and lots of money – so we were slightly surprised to see that Apple Corps are going to court to attempt to stop the release of a ‘bootleg’ quality recording of an early (1962) Beatles gig, given they okayed the neverending Anthology series, so haven’t seemed to have any issues with shiteful-quality recordings in the past if they were shifting megabucks units.
A £7.5million lawsuit argues the poor quality recording at the Star Club harms the image of divorce-row Macca and the other Beatle legends.
It is unclear how US firm Fuego Entertainment got hold of it. But a Fuego spokesman said: “It’s unfair to millions of Beatles fans not to allow this recording.”
Given that much of The Beatles’ time in Hamburg involved a) prostitutes and b) getting around the strip with toilet seats around their neck, we guess it’s possible that the recorded performances might not be up to scratch.
But maybe Paul just needs to read Fuego’s statement again: “millions of Beatles fans” – MILLIONS. Each paying MONEY. Delicious MONEY. YUM YUM YUM.
(It’s okay, we’re trained hypnotherapists; we’re close personal friends of Jackie Stallone and her psychic dogs, too.) More » 
We Can Only Hope Someone Is Filming This…
10:10AM Jess McGuire | Over a month since the press release regarding Olivia Newton-John’s fundraising venture the Great Walk to Beijing was sent out, we’ve finally looked closely enough at the fine print (well, the print in general) and realised that – goddamn it! – the entire thing appears to be the most brilliant concept ever for a reality television show!
Olivia Newton-John says she is “excited and proud” to announce the team joining her epic, cancer, fundraising journey, the Great Walk to Beijing.
The team joining Olivia includes international stars, Joan Rivers, Sir Cliff Richard, Dannii Minogue and Jane Seymour. They will be supported by Australian music industry legends, Jimmy Barnes, James Reyne and Kirk Pengilly. Television celebrities from across the globe have committed too with our own Alison Cratchley, and Rachel Gordon from Home and Away, Sunrise presenter Monique Wright, and Biggest Loser host, Ajay Rochester being joined from the US by, Carrie Ann Inaba of Dance War and Leeza Gibbons of Entertainment Tonight, fame and from the UK by actors, Gemma Atkinson from Hollyoaks and Martina Laird from Casualty. and more. Olympic and sporting heroes have also agreed to tackle the challenging journey for wellness, including, Kieren Perkins, Sam Riley, “oarsome foursome” men, Nick Green and Mike McKay and 7-time world surfing champion Layne Beachley.
So just to sum up that AMAZING collection of folk who will be trekking through the Gobi Desert together like, erm, some sort of crazy fucked up family of people who enjoy nothing more than trekking through the Gobi Desert…
· ON-MOTHERFUCKING-J!
· JOAN RIVERS!
· CLIFF RICHARD!
· DANNII MINOGUE!
· KIRK PENGILLY!
· JANE SEYMOUR!
· KIEREN PERKINS!
Can you imagine it?
The team will face a tough physical and mental challenge, trekking 228 kilometres over 21 days along the Great Wall of China. The journey will begin with Olivia’s team on a mountain trek with 40-degree gradients, winding through dust storms into the Gobi Desert as they head to Beijing over 21 days from 7th April 2008.
We have visions of Dannii and Joan Rivers arguing over something trivial, but then Sir Cliff steps in and the two women turn on him – and leave him a quivering mess curled up in the sand, softly singing the refrain of ‘Some People’ under his breath while rocking back and forth in shock. Dr Quinn and Olivia attempt to play the roles of Respected Elders of the posse, but their holier-than-thou front is shattered when Kieren Perkins stumbles across the highly intoxicated pair (the duo having earlier ‘confiscated’ a hip flask of highly potent rocket fuel from the backpack of one Ms Joan Rivers) giggling loudly near camp in the middle of the night and exchanging bawdy one-liners about the size of certain celebrity members.
Kirk Pengilly stays happily under Laybe Beachley’s thumb for most of the journey, but in the rare moments she’s busy talking fitness with Sam Riley, he shares extremely libelous tales of his time with the Hines family. James Reyne keeps morale up during the long walk by singing ‘One More River’ incessantly, and Jimmy Barnes recreates the glory years of the Tin Lids by belting out ‘When Your Love Is Gone’ (with the Oarsome Foursome stepping in to play the roles of the Barnes children), bewildering and frightening the Americans and British who have no idea what Jimmy is actually screaming at them, or why the men in matching zoot suits are absurdly dancing behind him and eating tinned fruit during this blood curdling performance.
Okay, obviously we’re letting our imagination run away with us, but can you blame us? Dear god, may someone be filming this fantastic and epic journey so we can all enjoy it repeatedly on DVD at some point. It’ll be like an intoxicating mix of The Biggest Loser and The Surreal Life, and we’re already craving a hit.
Each participant will support Olivia by appealing to their friends and fans to sponsor their steps via the Great Walk to Beijing website, www.greatwalktobeijing.com , where progress reports on the trek and the ability for everyone to donate to support their favourite celebrity will be available.
Regular progress reports? Hell yeah. We’ll be checking in regularly once it all kicks off in April.
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John Mayer’s Blog Continues To Entertain Us
10:01AM Jess McGuire | Oh, John Mayer. With each passing day, we here at Defamer fall a little more in love with you.
Here’s John’s latest blog entry.
Guffaw! More » The Definitive List Of George Clooney’s Ladyloves
9:48AM Jess McGuire | Everybody’s been enjoying poring over George Clooney’s recent interview with Esquire, yes? If you haven’t seen it, go here and have a read – it simply confirmed our massive Clooney crush as something which should be pursued full time (it tends to peak whenever it is Oscars season and we get to see the man in a suit making quips that leave us breathless and flushed, but then we forget about him by late March and begin ogling pictures of Gale Harold from Queer As Folk for the rest of the year instead. Mmmm, Brian Kinney gay goodness…).
During the interview process, George was shown a website which had a list of famous women they believed he’s bedded during his time as a Hollywood heartthrob, and George helpfully confirmed or denied the couplings for the Esquire journalist. The full list wasn’t included in the original published interview, but Esquire have popped it online as an “outtake”. We found it enlightening, and you probably will too. We haven’t worked out the average breast size for the confirmed Clooney conquests, so we cannot tell you definitively if he really is an enthusiast of all things flat-chested, as News Ltd so recently feared…
More » 
This Is Apparently Kylie’s Next ‘Release’ In The States
9:35AM Jess McGuire | Our beloved European Correspondent and full time gay Will just sent us the following YouTube clip of a Kylie Minogue song with a note saying “Kylie has not compromised herself at ALL. Listen to her first single for the US and Canada – it doesn’t even sound like a Kylie single! Her rapper is called Mims which is a slang term for vagina”.
Why? WHY? She sounds like a flaccid Janet Jackson accompanied by a Bi-Lo version of Kanye West?!
Her next single in Australia will be In My Arms, which is quite good (ie: better than that ridiculous Mims-assisted rubbish above).
More » 
