Sure, this is actually a Cadbury's commercial, but bugger it. The gorilla's intense facial expressions just make us happy for some reason.

Oh, good afternoon gentle readers!

Expect to hear about this later tonight on Channel 7 news, but a certain AFL player had a delightful night out on the tiles on Friday, and in his excitement he began urinating against the facade of a Greville Street bar. Understandably, a member of staff came forward and suggested such behaviour isn't generally considered acceptable (Where the bloody hell are ya? We'll tell you where you're not - the gents!). This did not please the footballer, who began drunkenly abusing and shoving the bartender.

Naughty boy! Once again!

We shouldn't judge him too harshly though. Maybe he was just drinking away his blues? Still. The missus is going to be furious...

While Defamer Australia are huge fans of Australia's Next Top Model Cycle 3 winner Alice Burdeu, we were also gunning big-time for Cycle 2 winner, Eboni Stocks.

She was funny, bitchy and gorgeous, and we were sure she'd do great things if her photoshoots on the show were anything to go by. Sadly for Eboni and for our hopes and dreams for her, things didn't really go as planned - bar brawls, belligerent interviews, modelling gigs focusing only on her legs - and while Burdeu jets around the world booking editorials, it pays to take pause to check in with Eboni:

Confidential stumbled across the trouble-plagued Stocks ferrying plates of food to customers at Waterloo restaurant Pavarotti - marking the second time the 22-year-old has resorted to working in the service industry since she was crowned Australia's next top model in 2006.

Stocks, whose public profile is dotted with controversial incidents - including charges of obstructing police - started working at the eatery last week.

Pavarotti manager Frank Purcell admitted he had given the leggy brunette a job because he felt sorry for the failed catwalker.

"She's a good girl and she's had a tough time," Purcell told Confidential.

"She asked me for some casual work and so far she's turned out to be a great waitress."

Such is the reality of reality TV!

Likewise, fashion and modelling is as fickle as the wind, unfortunately, and nothing sums it up like this unfortunate little alert that popped up when we were browsing for Eboni this morning:

We feel your pain, Eboni - we were voted 'Most Likely To Be A Movie Star' in our Year 12 yearbook, and did it happen? No it didn't.

In case you thought Wayne Carey couldn't get any shitter, and if you figured New Idea wouldn't stoop any lower than, you know, opening the third-in-line for the throne up for a grenade to the head, think again!

It seems New Idea think that the best way to rehabilitate blokes who allegedly bash their partners is to hand them a sweaty wad of cash and get them to talk about feelings while their partner sits at their side like some Tammy Wynnette song writ large.

New Idea reportedly paid $180,000 to Carey and his girlfriend Kate Neilson for an interview in which they discuss drug abuse and their tumultuous relationship.

Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service board member Jane Ashton lashed out at the payment.

"If they're paying for a story based on someone beating up somebody else it's sleazy and it goes back to the fact that most people think that it's not criminal," she said.

"It undermines all these people who work in family violence who are trying to reassure women that it's not normal and it is criminal."

...

The magazine last November launched a massive campaign - endorsed by celebrities including Nicole Kidman - denouncing family violence.

Good PR move, New Idea!

Look, we know celebrities - especially celebrities gone wild - sell magazines, but surely they could've just interviewed Neilson? They still could've used the phrase "WAYNE CAREY" on the cover, which presumably would make all the vultures who think they'll never (allegedly) get a champagne glass to the face in a Miami restaurant happy to drool over someone else's misery.