· Today on The View, Snoop Dogg demonstrated his signature yoga position, sideways-facing fucked-up-in-this-bitch. [The View]
· Distressing news out of ShoWest: Global warming trends will force the price of a medium-sized bucket of movie theatre popcorn to rise to an astonishing $199.95 in the coming year. [LAT]
· The warrant for Richard Gere's arrest for publicly shaking Shilpa's Shettys has been lifted. Watch out, India: He's coming back for your women! [Yahoo News]
· Are you a healthy young man with a deep desire to go to Coachella, but not the means to afford those hefty admission prices? Fear not. Sperm For Tickets can help. [spermfortickets.com via b3ta]
· Hey, you. Yeah, you! Don't be a shmuck! Photocopy your wallet, dumbass! [Consumerist]

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Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we demand politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!

• WATCH VIDEO

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Judging from the TV ads and posters for Stop-Loss, the film looks as if it would be just another teen flick where pretty boys with pretty faces chase some equally pretty girls with equally pretty faces. However, director Kimberly Peirce's first film since Boys Don't Cry is actually a big, serious movie about the plight of soldiers fighting in Iraq. But before you go and tune out the film solely on the basis of it being another one of those dirge-like films, it's worth noting that THR is predicting that this may be the very first movie centered around the War in Iraq that actually breaks through with both critics and audiences:

"The recent boxoffice fate of Iraq movies has prompted Paramount to take a notably careful approach that downplays the war. The movie is being sold as an MTV Films picture with an attractive young cast (Ryan Phillippe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that will lure people to theatres for other reasons."

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We'd love to know which friend and/or hired friend was around when Lindsay Lohan decided to become a clothing designer, because the blessed soul who must have said, "Wellll....maybe you should start with something a bit simpler?" just saved us from a full collection of billowy rock t-shirts and Pat Benatar head bands. Not to mention the inevitable up-all-night habits she would have picked up trying to put together rack after rack of pieces. Instead, we'll only have to suffer through a line of leggings, Lindsay's trademark accessory (so trademark, in fact, that she allegedly wore them for 21 days in a row recently). As long as there's at least one style with easy-to-use and very subtly hidden coke pockets, we won't complain one bit. [People]

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If you've yet to catch a glimpse of the latest semi-outrageous Tom Cruise video to hit the blogspots, sure to lift your spirits as high as it lifts page views for our evil blogging overlord's gossipy domain, then get thee there, pronto. You're all but certain to delight in the lighter side of the Clear Crusader, the guest of honour at his own extravagant birthday festivities. (Highlights: Tom applauding and laughing hysterically at a movie theme; Tom singing Bob Seger; and, believe it--Tom doing The Worm.) Meanwhile, the great minds at Gawker Media Video Laboratories--headed by lead scientist Richard Blakeley--have already made some landmark advances in the creepy-viral-video-parodying field. Enjoy.

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The second installment of our newish feature, Scrambled Eggs, comes to us courtesy of an eagle-eyed friend of Defamer, People Paula. But before we get into the contents of the clip at hand, we'll give you a quick refresher on what exactly makes a Scrambled Egg. It's a term we invented to describe those glorious moments that happen in television shows when a bored (or possibly stoned) editor cuts an inexplicable and altogetherly out-of-context image into a scene, likely as an inside joke for themselves. Got it? Good.

Now that your memory has been rebooted, we are glad to present this Scrambled Egg from Wednesday night's episode of Big Brother. As the Chenbot attempts to engage the castmembers of the 412th season of the show in some casual conversation while they dangle from some sort of unusual swinging device (forgive us, we haven't followed the show since the days of Dr. Will and Mike Boogie), the show's sleep-deprived editors make what can only be described as an unusual choice for a cutaway shot.

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PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often--the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you noticed Dennis Rodman manhandling a minor at Koi.

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If we saw our mother spreading her legs on billboards and in the window displays of old-fashioned CD stores, we'd probably either disown her, change our names or move to Mars. Unless, of course, she was Madonna. Then we might just have to put the poster up in our rooms. Madge is turning 50 this year, and she's not letting that stop her from putting out her single most explicit album cover to date. Even Erotica's open lips and Confessions On A Dance Floor's spread eagle from behind don't compare with the artwork for Hard Candy, which features the B12 shot lover posing as an S&M-inspired boxer (of sorts) waiting to "kick your ass" (just as Madonna promised the album would do). But just because Madonna's putting it all out there now doesn't mean her more suggestive covers weren't ten times sexier.

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To celebrate the video release of Enchanted, Disney has issued some side-by-sides of the (thousands, they say!) visual nods to other scenes from their animated classics. Pictured, Amy Adams and McDreamy enjoy some pizza pie in a tableau meant to directly hearken back to Lady and the Tramp's classic alley-side spaghetti preparation, though sharp-eyed Enchanted viewers may have already realised that when Princess Giselle starts scratching behind her ear with her foot. [comingsoon.net, Cinematical]

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· Because our lust for all things Richard Corben knows no bounds, and in particular the fantasy-art giant's prodigiously beschlonged signature hero Den, news that the inimitable David Fincher is overseeing Paramount's Heavy Metal remake is being met with a great deal of (solo) high-fiving around Defamer HQ. [Variety]
· Sarah Michelle Gellar works! She'll be taking over for Kate Bosworth in Veronika Decides to Die, a harrowing tale of physician-assisted suicide set in and around Riverdale High. [Variety]

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It seems the rapid internet proliferation of a story about Dawn Wells getting picked up in Idaho with weed in her car--along with the most adorable mugshot in celebrity DUI history--wasn't quite as hilarious to its hero. The actress, best known for playing the wholesome-girl-next-door-half of Gilligan's Island's classic sex-object dichotomy (versus the island's far more experienced cougar, Lovey), has now gone directly to Entertainment Tonight to clear up any misconceptions about her nonexistent herb-indulging habits:

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Today's after-school special comes, as most do these days, from YouTube. Though recently 5150'd Jackass star Steve-O currently has bigger things to worry about than who's hacking into his account and putting these frightening home videos up in his absence, we certainly get a bitter taste of just what those things are after viewing this clip. After revealing a Winehouse-ian nostril dusted with white powder in the first ten seconds, Steve-O spends the next four minutes attempting to show us how to juggle in his backyard. But he's noticeably, uh, distracted, and spends most of that time ranting about the war in Iraq, all the spacial dimensions that go ka-boom, and saddest of all, ruminates on this question: "Who cares when you die?" The most surefire way to teach your kids why drugs are bad, after the jump.

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Last night was the Celebrity Rehab reunion show. Your at-a-glance scorecard:
· Still sober: Brigitte Nielsen and Ricco Rodriguez;
· Still in denial: Chyna Joanie Doll-Laurer;
· Absent: Daniel Baldwin (not invited) and Jessica Sierra (currently back in treatment under Dr. Drew's care);
· Fresh off 3-day crack-out bender: Seth Binzer.
And then there is Jeff Conaway and Vikki Lizzi, the Stanley and Stella Kowalski of the Pasadena Recovery Centre, whose every high-decibel, wheelchair-flinging domestic squabble was recorded for posterity by the ever-present reality cameras.

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With Nicole Richie playing house for the next five minutes or so, Kim Kardashian having moved on to mall clothing endorsements and her own show, and sister Nicky entrapped in a brand new anorexia scandal, Paris Hilton has no one to play with. Not even her hypersexual litter of puppies. So she's prepared to do what Britney and Jessica Simpson did before her: pay someone to be her friend. Teaming up with MTV and Ish Entertainment, Paris announced the debut of her next reality show, Paris Hilton's My New BFF, in which 20 lucky boys and girls will prove to Paris that they're capable of being loyal, trustworthy pals who won't try to feel her up or plan porny video attacks mid-party. As Paris herself put it, "[I am looking for] someone I can just trust, someone who's not gonna stab me in the back like has happened a lot in this town, someone I can have fun with." But what does the winner get in exchange?

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Come April 4th, Juno Lynn Spears will finally turn one year older (and, we can only hope, wiser), at which point she'll finally be able to escape the nasty stigma of being Sweet 16 And Pregnant. But, sadly, she will never be able to escape the stigma of being Britney Spears' sister. At least, not technically. But based on photographs taken of the smiling Jamie Lynn in Louisiana yesterday, she may have figured out a way to distance herself from The Package using nothing but her wardrobe. While we are not necessarily advocating short shorts and visible bras as appropriate outerwear for pregnant teens, when you compare it to Britney's penchant for visible bellies and bikini tops worn as, well, tops, Jamie Lynn looks downright Victorian in comparison.

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Maybe this Anthony Pellicano trial isn't as hopelessly bereft of A-list manure-flinging as we had initially thought. Just a day after Garry Shandling's bitterly frank testimony about former manager Brad Grey--which so riled the Paramount Emperor that the planned The Love Guru ice cream social was cancelled with a company-wide e-mail instructing staffers to, "Go enjoy a cup of Garry Shandling's steaming, fudge-covered horseshit instead"--comes something even better: A tape, which prosecutors say was made by Pellicano and obtained by The Huffington Post, containing a 31-minute conversation between Chris Rock and the private investigator. Rock secured Pellicano's services after the then-separated comedian engaged in a brief fling with what he describes as "a girl with big tits and white pants" back in 1998, who then turned around and accused him of rape. (Interesting side note: He took her to a dinner party at Guy Oseary's house attended by Madonna and Elisabeth Shue!) The charges were ultimately found to be bogus, and were never officially filed.

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When we watched the last season of The Sopranos, we remember watching Johnny Sack freely smoke cigarettes in his hospital gown despite having terminal cancer and feeling completely indifferent. One more of Tony's adversaries going down in a puff of smoke was, in the context of the show, actually something to smile about. But seeing the cancer-stricken visage of Patrick Swayze doing the same thing? Frankly, it guts us. At this point, we're not sure whether to watch the last scene of Dirty Dancing over and over again while fighting back tears or to hop a plane to wherever Swayze is at the moment and personally pluck the cig from his lips. Seen here post-diagnosis, it seems Swayze just can't kick the habit, no matter how brutal it is on his body:

"Pals say he can't quit smoking despite it being linked to a third of pancreatic cancers...Patrick's wife Lisa, 51, is liquidising high-fat dinners as he is having trouble keeping down solid foods."

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