Friday, March 14, 2008
Channel Nine: The Happy Network!
4:12PM Clem Bastow | We like nothing more than a royal spaz out at a special occasion from someone who should know better, and we particularly like it when it involves the ill-fated Channel Nine, whose year is about as ‘two-thousand-and-great’ as a punch in the face.
Apparently 60 Minutes reporter Liam Bartlett cracked it hardcore – for no real reason – at a farewell function for Ray Martin, who quit the station earlier this year. Amongst his amusing reported outbursts:
As the party drew to a close, Bartlett’s colleagues say he launched into an random attack on the return 60 Minutes episode, describing it as “s***” and cursing producers for allowing former Nine CEO Eddie McGuire to be a part of the show.
During the rant, which colleagues said “came out of nowhere” he is said to have referred to McGuire’s interview with his AFL friend Sam Newman as “not a story”.
Rumours of the rant were rife around Nine’s Willoughby camp last night but if the claims turn out to be true he will reportedly be “in big trouble” with management, a source said.
Bartlett is said to have taken aim at the ratings the show attracted.
“If you guys are satisfied with 1.2 million (viewers), you’re f******” Bartlett apparently told colleagues.
We love this shit! Someone should give Bartlett his own late night talk show, or make him the new Sam Kekovich and just let him rant at inappropriate moments during otherwise unrelated telecasts.
Bang bang, you’re f-cked, indeed! More » 
Elle And Bryan Sitting In The Tree…
4:04PM Clem Bastow | We weren’t aware that Elle MacPherson and Bryan Adams had dated in the first place (unless by “dated” you mean “Bryan took a photo of her”); last we heard, she was playing Mrs Robinson to Vito Schnabel, a 21-year-old art curator. In any case, evidently they did, and now they’re back on again.
Ain’t love grand?
Earlier in the evening, the Aussie fashionista was described as “goggle-eyed” as she watched Adams perform.
Concert insiders claimed Macpherson was singing along to new songs never heard before by devoted fans (raising an eyebrow she’s enjoyed private previews).
Ever the host, Adams seemed to pull out all stops to entertain the sexy single, with the duet enjoying dinner at London’s chic Wolseley restaurant before adjourning to his mansion in ritzy Sloane Square.
We wonder if Bryan treated Elle to a special performance of (Defamer Australia Editor’s favourite song) The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me (Is You)? More » 
What’s That, Daily Mail? Nicole Looks Like A What?
3:41PM Clem Bastow | Now, as much as we love Our Nicole Kidman, we’re the first to agree she could probably lay off the facials and Botox injections. The whole stunned look is possibly not working as well for her today as it did when she was in The Interpreter and required to look permanently shocked/concerned.
However, we’re not sure about The Daily Mail’s choice of analogy when it comes to discussing Nic’s visage:
Right, so cosmetic surgery expert Dr Martin Braun says, “She looks like a bat with too much of an (outer) brow lift. The middle of the brow’s been dropped. She’s crying when she accepts her Oscar, but nothing is moving.”
Fair enough. But, what’s that? You didn’t quite catch what they were trying to say about her face? Oh, cool – here you go again:
Huh? You still don’t know what she looks like? Here, how about an enlarged version of the two images above, at 1000 x 895! Something for the desktop, perhaps?
Really, we think once probably would’ve been enough. We half expect to log on to the Mail on Monday and find the background is nothing but tiled images of Nicole and her bat friend. More » 
Natalie Imbruglia Has A New Date, But We Can’t Show You His Face
3:27PM Clem Bastow | Natalie “Boog” Imbruglia has hit the singles scene running since her split from husband Daniel “I Like Vaginas, Honest Injun” Johns; first she was checked out by Johnny Borrell from Razorlight, now it seems she has her eye on someone who, should one of his dad’s famed idiotic promotional pranks go wrong sooner rather than later, will one day inherit exceedingly large amounts of money – Sam “Son Of Richard” Branson.
Imbruglia, who split from her rock star husband Daniel Johns in January after four years of marriage, has reportedly been cosying up to Sam in London.
The 33-year-old Torn singer was one of the guests at a £100,000 ($216,122) ski-themed party to celebrate Sam’s planned Arctic expedition.
This is all well and good, but we were particularly amused by News Ltd’s decision to illustrate the story with a picture perhaps more befitting Australia’s Most Wanted:
HAVE YOU SEEN NATALIE IMBRUGLIA’S RUMOURED NEW SHAG? CALL CRIME-STOPPERS NOW. More » 
Letter From The Editor
1:21PM Jess McGuire | Hola, readers!
Just a quick note to let you know that last night I carried through with my threat to shave my head for the Leukemia Foundation, and I am now sweetly buzzcut all over. Except for a small patch on the top of my head, which is somehow slightly longer that the rest of my hair and results in me rockin’ the Alfafa from The Little Rascals look.
Thanks for all the kind words of support, folks who emailed in! And thanks to those who sponsored me in this quest for baldiness. You are too awesome. It’s probably not too late to throw some cash in the direction of the Leukemia Foundation though, so if you’ve got a credit card and feel like donating now that you know I’ve actually gone through with this thing, go nuts.
Interestingly, a friend commented last night after the shave “Wow, I feel like I’ve already seen you with no hair”, so spot on was the brilliant Elspeth’s caricature of my shaved new appearance.
Another nice bonus of having no pesky ponytail getting in the way of things? Hats, dudes. I can wear a whole assortment of headgear I’d never been able to comfortably don in the past!
THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING. HAVE A FUCKING SWEET WEEKEND.
Sure, Yacht Rock is soooo last year (soooo the year before last year, actually) but I don’t care. I can wear a captain’s cap now to my heart’s content and I am bloody well pleased about it.
x
PS: I feel totally Renae Lawrence-y at the moment. Big ups to my Kerkoban Prison homegirls! More » Naomi Watts’ First Class Adventures Lead News Ltd To Ask Some Big Questions
1:07PM Jess McGuire | Naomi Watts recently encountered some cranky airline passengers when her baby Alexander cried for forty minutes during a recent flight.
Pointy-end-of-the-plane passengers “literally stood out of their seats and gave me glaring eyes,” Watts told a US chat show this week, after her infant son squawked for 40 minutes on a recent flight from Los Angeles to Sydney.
“I think they just felt a little p. . . ed off they spent so much money on a flight and they have to listen to that.” So she stripped. “He’s too young for drugs, so I just put him on the boob,” Watts said.
Quick thinking, Watts!
Naomi’s tale of first class infant prejudice leads News Ltd to ask their readership “Should babies be allowed in business class and first class?”
What a ridiculous question! Of course children should not be allowed in first class. Nor should they be allowed on any kind of transportation whatsoever if there is even the slightest chance of them disturbing paying adult passengers.
In fact, let’s not stop at banning them from planes (both the moneybags end of the airline, and the poverty class). If you ask us, all small children should simply be placed in a giant pit filled with cushions (with bowls of breast milk scattered around the place, we don’t want the little tackers to starve) and left there to frolic in their own waste until they grow large enough to be gagged without the risk of choking to death. Then, and only then, should small children be allowed to mix with the rest of society. More » Sex With Men, Sex With Women – Either Way, Deborah Hutton Is Gagging For It
12:24PM Jess McGuire | What have we learned from this recent article about Deborah Hutton in the Daily Telegraph?
· She’s not all about vagina! (Australian Women’s Weekly readers can breathe easy!)
· Has she mentioned her love of doodle recently?
· Her love of doodles belonging to younger men? (Oh Debs, you cougar you!)
· She is now single. (Boo! She’s so cute! Someone snap that hot tamale up!)
· She is looking for love!
· Perhaps that new love will be the owner of a furious rack, or perhaps they will be packing pants heat. Who cares? The love bit is the important thing, not the package it comes in. Or at least that’s what the Daily Telegraph headline would have us believe, the actual Deborah Hutton quotes make no reference to searching for Sapphic companionship.
· She was certainly never dating a lady television host like we believed. No, sirree.
· WE STILL THINK SHE WAS DATING A LADY TELEVISION HOST LAST YEAR.
And there you have it.
(Shout out to our homies at SameSame.com.au!) More » 
Big Brother’s Emma Has Joined The Doorbitch Union!
12:16PM Jess McGuire | Remember Emma Cornell from last year’s Big Brother? We know, we know – it’s strangely hard to recall the many amazing and in no way bland Dreamworld residents who molested our eye sockets on a nightly basis last year, but if you really, really strain yourself, you will probably faintly recollect a blonde catty young thing whose estranged father died during her time in the house but no one informed her of the fact (although some eviction night audience members tried their hardest) because they didn’t want to ruin her “experience” and the feverish media debate on ethics that followed.
Not ringing any bells? Well, perhaps you remember her post-eviction spread for Zoo Weekly? Yeah, that’s the one.
Moving on. In this fairly dull excuse to make reference to Krystal Forscutt’s gravity defying rack, we were tickled to note the following tidbit about Big Brother’s Emma and her latest career. More » 
Behold Cerberus, Terrier Of Death Metal
12:02PM Seth | All it takes is some speed metal and a blowdryer to transform this mild-mannered terrier into the wire-haired Knight in Satan’s Service he truly is. [Break.com] The biggest breakout star of American Idol’s sixth season–Crying Girl–is back! And she’s brought her thoughts about Season 7 with her. (Preview: It isn’t as good.) [LAT] Tobey Maguire is a strong believer in allowing one’s infant child to pick up on the whole walking thing on their own, even if that means spending the first few years of their lives face down in a shag carpet. [Popbitch via Wendywayrad] “‘I’ve been a fan of One Life to Live since I was a baby,’ said Snoop.” [USA Today] Not On Our Watch, co-founded by George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, has given $500,000 to the United Nations World Food Program, but since it wasn’t presented in the form of a giant check on The Oprah Winfrey Show, it took a couple days for you to find out about it. [Reuters] More »
