March 8, 2008

Chyna, We Think We'll Miss You Most Of All

Posted by Seth at 11:00 AM on March 8, 2008

· It's Celebrity Rehab graduation, and without giving away too much, we'll just say that it's never too late for a breakthrough.
· Our favorite American Idol Season 7 moment so far, in handy animated gif form.
· Holy shit! Scubacar!
· It's official: Jermaine Jackson's transformation into the creepy Nipsey Russell Tinman from The Wiz that used to give us nightmares as a kid is complete.
· Lisa Marie Presley didn't want to have tell you about the pregnancy this way, but now that you've all had a good laugh at those fat pictures...Fine! It's baby weight! Are you satisfied now?
· And finally, someone sent this to us, asking, "Is this a tip?" We really have no idea, so we throw it out to you. Is this a tip?

Read More »

Defamer Transcription Service Presents: A Visit With The Trumps

Posted by Seth at 9:45 AM on March 8, 2008


Trump: Barron, say hello to the group.
Barron: Haawdow!
Trump: And Barron hopefully some day will be a great entrepreneur. Melania, what do you think?
Melania: [Unintelligible] Vot vant do ven you grau up?
Barron: Beeednees.
[Laughter]
Melania: Beeezneesman. Zats riiiight. Like you daddee?
Trump: That is pretty amazing actually.
Barron: Daddee!
Melania: Daddee's a beezneesman. And vot doz daddee beeldeeng?
Barron: House.
Melani: Chauuuus.
Trump: He's doing well. Just 18 months old...
Carol: Wow.
Trump: ...and he's doing really well.

Read More »

Having Officially Run Out Of Solids To Snort, Celebrities Turn To The Liquid 'Gas Chamber'

Posted by Molly Friedman at 9:29 AM on March 8, 2008

What exactly is a star to do when they've run out of things to snort up their much-abused noses? The Nesquik-laced coke trend had some buzz for awhile but quickly got old. Then Keith Richards tried an even more inventive trick by blowing rails constructed from his daddy's ashes. And let's not forget Steve-O, who decided snorting wasabi would make for a grand old time. But the award for most logical next snortable substance of choice must go to Amy Winehouse (surprise!), who recently kickstarted a brand new trend in nose candy parlor games with Kelly Osbourne in London this week. Details on the rules and regulations for a fun little lethal game called Gas Chamber after the jump.

Read More »

John Ritter's Chilling Final Phone Call: 'I Ate Some Pork Left Out In The Sun'

Posted by Mark Graham at 9:04 AM on March 8, 2008

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on this week's Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl this week. As always, we force politely ask Intrepid Defamer Videographerâ„¢ Molly McAleer to watch this dreck all week so you don't have to. This week's highlights/lowlights include audio transmissions of John Ritter's surprisingly mundane final phone call to his wife ("I ate some pork left out in the sun") and the touching story of how Dancing With The Star's Marlee Matlin draws inspiration from a troupe of hearing-impaired ballerinas. Enjoy!

Read More »

Ashton Kutcher To Fix It So You Never Believe Anything You Read About That Paris Hilton Whore Again

Posted by Seth at 8:48 AM on March 8, 2008

Finally! Someone has the guts to stand up for the world's downtrodden hotel heiresses, whose only desire is that they be left to live their lives in peace, free from the flashbulb-popping scavengers of the celebrity media. That's what has emerged from the recent photos published just about everywhere--including here--of Paris Hilton, accompanied by what turns out was not her guru, but an actor hired to fool us into thinking as much by Ashton Kutcher's new prank series, Pop Fiction:

Read More »

The Tale of Barbara Walters, Miley Cyrus, And The Golden Toilet

Posted by Molly Friedman at 8:26 AM on March 8, 2008

While we certainly hope that the ladies of The View are ladylike when it comes to using the ladies' rooms at other lady celebrities' houses [Ed. Note - That's a lot of ladies!], the same can't be said for the men who man Barbara Walters' camera crew. In this clip, Walters politely told the story of how her visit to Casa Cyrus for her (barely watched) Oscar special turned into a literal shitshow, with toilets overflowing and Miley's "very nicely attractive mother" Tish bitterly hissing under her breath that she didn't mind one bit. But the icing on the shitcake is the way in which the Cyrus clan says "Thanks For Visiting, Come Again Soon!", which, in a surprising twist, does not come in the form of a Hallmark card, but rather an engraved tchotchke in the shape of a golden toilet.

Read More »

How To Bite It Glamorously: A Photo Essay Starring Sarah Jessica Parker

Posted by Molly Friedman at 7:44 AM on March 8, 2008

Maybe this is exactly what Sarah Jessica Parker deserves for toiling around fake city streets in stilettos and making it look effortless, resulting in hordes of tween girls mimicking the fierceness and wobbling around like fawlty towers. While shooting her 179th Vogue spread somewhere in Manhattan, the tiny dancer fell so far over on her tiny rump that the masses narrowly missed the opportunity to see exactly which style of wax Parker instructs her aesthetician to design (we're picturing a mini SATC logo, but on second thought, we'd rather not picture anything at all). More photos of the much-ballyhooed tumble after the jump.

Read More »

Bruce Willis Man Enough To Pull Off Lavender

Posted by Seth at 7:20 AM on March 8, 2008

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often--the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you stumbled upon Ian Ziering getting a pedicure in a Hollywood strip mall.

Read More »

'The Departed' Gang Back For A 'Chaser'

Posted by Seth at 6:46 AM on March 8, 2008

· Warner Bros. snapped up the rights to South Korean hit The Chaser, with The Departed writer William Monahan set to write the adaption, and Leonardo DiCaprio and the Really Obvious Departed Rat "circling to star." [Variety]
· John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph will star in an untitled "relationship comedy" written by Dave Eggers and his wife Vendela Vida, bringing Eggers one terrifying step closer to writing a Matthew McConaughey-Kate Hudson vehicle. [Variety]

Read More »

John Mayer Harnesses The Power Of The Internet To Lash Out At A Clingy Ex

Posted by Molly Friedman at 6:23 AM on March 8, 2008

First John Mayer started to grow on us (a little bit) with his skills handling the TMZ paparazzi and voracious autograph seekers, then he won us over (okay, a lot) when we saw him jogging on a yacht wearing green Borat butt floss tightly wound across his nearly perfect buttocks. And now, having penned a giant Fuck You to one of his exes online, he's officially convinced us that we were correct in falling head over heels for the guy after witnessing his rendition of "Chocolate Rain" on Best Week Ever. But back to the story at hand! Earlier this week, John had the following to say to Jessica Simpson one of his anonymous ex-girlfriends:

"Dear Ex Lover. Perhaps you didn't understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I'll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don't know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I'm done trying."

Read More »

Posted by Molly Friedman at 5:46 AM on March 8, 2008

One of the juicier blind items off the transom lately involves an A-list actress, a bold-faced female mag editor, and unkempt pubic hair. Asks the NY Daily News, "Which female A-lister's Sapphic relationship with a top editrix came to a crashing halt when the wordsmith saw her 'wildly' unkempt nether regions?" While memories of former Jane editor-in-chief Jane Pratt's claims that she dabbled in the Land of Lesbianism with Drew Barrymore delightfully resurface in our minds, Pratt is now a full-time radio chick. Recently departed Interview EIC Ingrid Sischy (not so delightfully) is another possibility, but somehow we can't see her gasping at the sight of an imperfect wax, considering her signature Bob Dylan-esque 'do. We leave it up to you, our faithful readers, to out the thwarted thespian in need of a pronto Brazilian in the comments. [NYDN]

Read More »

Not Every 'Hot On-Set Hookup' Turns Out Like Brangelina, You Know

Posted by Molly Friedman at 5:21 AM on March 8, 2008

While AOL has put together a rosy list of the "hottest on-set hookups," complete with lusty make-out pictures and lovey-dovey tales from between the sheets, we feel obligated to point out that not every "hot" and heavy on-set romance leads to a fairy tale ending. In fact, a few of these couples' choices to get busy in between scenes wreaked havoc on both their personal and professional lives, leading some to lose their spouses, their reps and, in Angelina Jolie's case, a tattoo or two. We put together our own list of the top five most ill-fated on-set hookups, mainly to remind these bed-hopping stars that sometimes it's best to just say no to illicit trailer sex.

Read More »

When CGI Shlock Ruled The Cineplex: '10,000 B.C.' Opens To An Ice-Agey Reception

Posted by Seth at 4:50 AM on March 8, 2008

Poised to overtake Semi-Pro as the #1 comedy in America this weekend, 10,000 B.C., Roland Emmerich's hilariously bombastic homage to the dawn of CGI-man, officially opens today. Along the way, it has inspired film critics to some of their best movie-panning in recent memory, with the NY Times's A.O. Scott having dubbed this tale of a "tribe of snuffleupagus hunters" a "sublimely dunderheaded excursion into human prehistory." Here's a sampling of some of the caveman-themed headlines that contributed to its 9% Tomato-Meter score:

Read More »

TomKat Seduces A New Hollywood Couple Into Their Dinner Dates/Scientology Screenings

Posted by Molly Friedman at 4:32 AM on March 8, 2008

Another day, another star lost to the more-popular-than-ever VIP club that is the Church of Scientology. But unlike Tom and Katie's previous predatory attacks on Jennifer Lopez and the Beckhams, this one really hurts. On Wednesday night, the Knights of Hubbard went on a double date with Oscar winner Forrest Whitaker and his wife Keisha, right on the heels of last Wednesday's double date with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith (long-term victims of TomKat's proselytizing ways). Savvy observers will recall that this isn't Whitaker's first brush with the wily ways of Scientologists; back in 1999, he spent months on end on the set of Battlefield Earth with John Travolta. So, the question is this -- does he have enough willpower left to resist yet another call from Xenu's sworn enemies?

Read More »

Posted by Seth at 4:20 AM on March 8, 2008

Blogging on the election (presidential, not Idol) for the Huffington Post, Larry David admits he's lost a bit of confidence in the increasingly histrionic Hillary Clinton: "There have been times in this campaign when she seemed so unhinged that I worried she'd actually kill herself if she lost...I don't care if it's 3 a.m. or 10 p.m. or any other time. I don't want her talking to Putin, I don't want her talking to Kim Jong Il, I don't want her talking to my nephew. She needs a long rest. She needs to put on a sarong and some sun block and get away from things for a while, a nice beach somewhere." We're looking forward to Jerry Seinfeld's own op-ed on the race, in which he asks, "What is with this Hillary Rodham Clinton? The woman's totally a woodwork wacko! And she's a three-name woman...and many of the three-named people do become assassins." [HuffPo]

Read More »

Posted by Seth at 4:02 AM on March 8, 2008

A Seinfeld sitcom denial! "NBC and Jerry Seinfeld shot down a New York Post report Friday that the comic was in talks with the network about a new sitcom. 'There's nothing to it,' said NBC spokeswoman Rebecca Marks." Pressed if there was even an outside chance of a special Seinfeld-themed Deal or No Deal, in which Newman, Uncle Leo, Soup Nazi, Susan, and the rest of the supporting players hoisted aluminum briefcases in place of the regular models, Marks simply pressed her lips tightly, turned an imaginary key at the corner of her mouth, and tossed it away. [Yahoo/AP]

Read More »

First Look At Zack Snyder's 'Watchmen' Causes Fanboy Nation To Crap Pants

Posted by Seth at 3:41 AM on March 8, 2008

300 director Zack Snyder understands and appreciates the fanboy brain. Realizing that Watchmen, the sacred graphic-novel text he's been entrusted to adapt for Warner Bros. (and that Fox is suing to desist), is now "officially one year and counting" from its premiere, he's posted a series of high-quality photographs of the major characters in costume to tide them over until then. One glimpse at the attention to detail (check out those heavy-duty codpieces!) paid to the Comedian (Jeffrey Dean Morgan), Nite-Owl (Patrick Wilson), and Ozymandias (Matthew Goode) is sure to send the legions of fanboys who waited 22 years for this day running directly into their bathrooms, with strict orders to their moms that they aren't to be disturbed.

Read More »

Diablo Cody Wasn't The Only Former Stripper To Win An Oscar This Year

Posted by Molly Friedman at 3:18 AM on March 8, 2008

Haven't you heard? Stripping is back en vogue again (again)! Partly thanks to Ms. Busey-Hunt herself, the IdolStripperGate nonsense, and all those former strippers blogging away in support of the feminist cause that is taking your clothes off for money, our slideshow-happy friends at Us Magazine have dredged up the secret pasts of some other former private dancers. And though some may not surprise you (Courtney Love? NO! WAY!), there are also some Hollywood A-listers on their list. Find out after the jump which three Oscar nominees have, at one time or another, had to pull crumpled George Washingtons from their crotches after a long night of hustling.

Read More »

New Jerry Seinfeld Sitcom Set To Plunder More Of Larry David's Ideas

Posted by Seth at 2:55 AM on March 8, 2008

Jerry Seinfeld hasn't had a whole lot to do since his seminal sitcom left the airwaves (completely voluntarily, despite what Larry King might have thought); his surfeit of downtime has been primarily filled slandering his wife's plagiarism accuser and shitting CGI honey-pats on the Oscars podium. It turns out, however, that Seinfeld will not sit idle much longer:

Read More »