Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Simon Cowell Plans ‘Billy Elliot’-Style Movie About Opera-Singing Talent Quest Entrant With Bad Teeth; In Other News, Pop Has Eaten Itself

3:34PM Clem Bastow | Simon Cowell clearly has both a) too much money and b) too much time on his hands, as his latest little game to amuse himself is to put wheels in motion for an Inspirational™ flick about one of his discoveries, “opera singer” Paul Potts from Britain’s Got Talent. (If you have no idea who or what this is, see his audition here. Then get a real one up ya!) Just briefly, we’d like to continue today’s unintentional and slightly worrying theme of opera-related stories put in our two cents, which is that Potts is not an opera singer, and rather a shower singer who happened to be able to finesse a largely imitative cover of Nessun Dorma and a few other light classics (see also: Damien Leith), and that there’s more to a compellingly cinematic story of reaching your dreams than unfortunate dentistry and a boring day job. In any case! Here’s what Cowell has to say about it all: The singing sensation has gone on to sell 3million copies of his debut album “One chance” and is set to headline 65 concert dates in 13 countries. Cowell told Daily Variety: “That particular day was one of the worst, the acts were just terrible, we were fed up and on comes this guy with a funny little suit and bad teeth who looked very nervous. “I can remember looking at the other judges, with that ‘here we go again’ feeling. We had 2,000 people in the audience, and I’ll never forget how much the room changed when he began singing.” Cowell’s UK based production company, SyCo, will team up with Hollywood to develop the film, who endorsed the project after watching a YouTube clip of the singer. “Most of these calls result in absolutely nothing, but this company got that it’s another ‘Billy Elliot,’ a story anyone in the world can understand.” Who do you think Simon “Not At All Interested In His Own Navel” Cowell will request to play him? We’d like to see the project handballed to Lars Von Trier, who turns it into a gritty tale of a hard-knock life touched by the beauty of music but ultimately crushed by tragedy, starring Ray Winstone as Potts and Clive Owen as Simon Cowell – but we’re more likely to get Simon Pegg as Potts, Steve Carrell as Simon Cowell, directed by the Wayans Brothers and with cameo appearances by Jessica Simpson, Jade Goody and Andy Dick. More »

Your Hilarious (And Yet, Cultured) Headline Of The Day

3:18PM Clem Bastow | You know, here in Australia, the whole opera business is pretty subdued. Sure, we had Operatunity! – which was compelling in a particularly no-frills, ABC manner – but our opera “stars” keep a reasonably low profile and in general it’s just something you occasionally frock up to go and see, or something that teenage boys whinge about when it appears in the opening ceremonies of their favourite sporting events. We wish it were more like it appears to be in the UK, if the following story is anything to go by: Evidently Juan Pablo di Pace agreed to a gig posing nude in a lavish photoshoot to promote the Royal Opera’s production of Rigoletto (no, not the spaghetti sauce, you philistines), figuring he was at the time performing in the opera and it was good exposure – er, not in that way, but we see what you did there – only to find that the art department had, well, reduced his package considerably: He claims a crucial part of his anatomy has been air-brushed unflatteringly, making it appear much smaller than it is in real life. In fact, the opera house has been accused of “shrinking” his manhood so much in a 2005 version of the poster that it “made it look like he barely had one at all”. As a result of the complaints made by 28-year-old di Pace’s lawyers, who also claimed he had not been paid for use of the image, the Royal Opera House has agreed to stop using the poster. Poor love, we can see where he’s coming from – you can inspect his tackle here in the original artwork, and we almost feel an NSFW warning is unnecessary because, well, there’s not much that’s NS about poor Juan Pablo’s airbrushed bits. If it’s any consolation, Juan Pablo, based on the other photo supplied (i.e. of your face), and knowing that it’s not what you got, it’s how you use it, we’d still hit it! More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Two Thousand And Great!

3:02PM Clem Bastow | Lord, lord, lord… In case you didn’t already think that Amy’s case of “impetigo”, or the news that Blake Fielder-Civil self-harms when Amy doesn’t make her prison visits on time (according to a prison “source” quoted in the article below, “he is cut to ribbons but carries on gashing his arms with razor blades”), was bad enough, how about this corker: Gordon Smart from Bizarre reckons the sore on Amy’s face is from… stubbing a fag out on her cheek! Winner! The troubled star was with pals when she was asked THREE TIMES by staff to put out her Marlboro Light because of the smoking ban. As she received her final warning, Amy stared straight into the waitress’s eyes and pushed the burning tip of the fag into her own face. A source at the diner said: “She hardly flinched because she was so high. The whole place was open-mouthed in horror.” Amy tried to conceal the wound with foundation — but it has now apparently become infected, causing the swelling on her cheek. Well, we don’t really know what to make of it all. We’d love to say, “Psht, that Smartarse (GEDDIT) is just making up stories”, but given Amy and Blake’s history, unfortunately it’s more likely to be the cold, hard truth than it is to be a wildly inaccurate rumour started in the subeditor’s office. Don’t do drugs, kids! Or, at least, don’t do them with Amy Winehouse or Blake Fielder-Civil! More »

Interesting Pieces Of Trivia Acquired From Wikipedia

2:40PM Jess McGuire | Wikipedia is excellent. When it’s not being used as a sweet place for its founder to pick up ladies , it’s a veritable hotbed of interesting information – some of it true! And so it is with great pleasure we launch what we hope will be an ongoing series (though in all likelihood, it probably won’t be – we are easily distracted and… hey! Look over there! Shiny thing sparkling in the sun!) – Interesting Pieces Of Trivia Acquired From Wikipedia! To kick things off, here’s some stuff we didn’t know about the future Mr Delta Goodrem, ex-Westlife member Brian “Bryan” McFadden, courtesy of his Wikipedia entry. &middot He worked as a security guard in McDonalds and as a bingo caller before finding fame with Westlife! &middot McFadden performed with Westlife as Bryan because it made signing autographs easier for him! &middot He is a passionate Collingwood Magpies supporter in the AFL, and said “I know I might risk sales by saying this in Australia, but I am a passionate Collingwood supporter and, yes, surprisingly I still have all my teeth”! &middot He plays for an Australian Rules side in Sydney’s Castle Hill! And there you have it. More »

Terrific, Another Sports Show! Just What We Needed!

1:51PM Jess McGuire | Channel Seven, obviously sensing a complete lack of anything similar on the telly, have just announced a new weekly footy panel show called AFL Game Day. AFL Game Day will tackle all the big footy issues, review and preview the weekend’s games and have a bit of fun along the way. TV newcomer and footy nut Hamish McLachlan will host the show, featuring some of the best names in football on the panel. Leading AFL journalists will also join the panel, along with special guest stars from the football and media world. Ah, Hamish McLachlan – footy nut, ex-boyfriend of Livinia Nixon, and current squeeze of Giann Rooney TV Tonight has penned some interesting words in regards to Hamish McLachlan’s appointment as host. But Seven, in announcing McLachlan as host, neglected to mention he was also a director of the ill-fated AFL Hall of Fame (now World of Fame) exhibition at Melbourne’s QV Shopping Centre. It was beset by controversy, financial liquidation and allegations of conflicts of interest. Just two months after opening, the $14 million museum and interactive games centre was placed in the hands of administrators after running out of capital and in severe debt. More over at TV Tonight. More »

Purchase Your Own Breakfast Radio Host For The Night!

12:04PM Jess McGuire | We were amused to learn yesterday that Triple J Breakfast host The Doctor has decided to pop partner in crime Marieke Hardy up on eBay, a la ScarJo. Radio fans (and, if you’re more old school, scary blogstalkers) will be thrilled to discover that the winner of this eBay auction will receive the following… A night with Marieke Hardy! The successful bidder will receive a night out on the tiles with slightly shop-soiled radio host, Marieke Hardy from Triple J’s Breakfast Program; Robbie, Marieke and the Doctor. Included in the night* will be: 2 tickets to taping of First Tuesday Book Club 1 dink on the Doctor’s bicycle to the studio (no hills) 1 Miner’s elastic headlight to read by 1 packet vegan party franks from the Triple J fridge 1 rendition of a Tom Waits song by Marieke, Scarlett Johannsen-style All money goes to registered charity to be agreed upon by successful bidder and Marieke. Note: the date ends at 8:20pm, Marieke’s bed time. We just spoke to Marieke on the phone in order to confirm everything was actually “fo shizz” and not just a hilarious gag, and informed her that the current highest bid was now $1,025. “NO WAY!”, she shrieked, and yelled to her producer “Hey, the auction’s up to $1,025!” We then heard the voice of her disbelieving producer Amelia hollering back “WHAT? WHO IS DOING THIS?” We have no idea. If you’d like a night with Marieke Hardy, get bidding – the auction closes on the 11th March. We can personally vouch that she will corrupt you you’ll have a delightful time. Warning though, you may have to sit through her talking endlessly about her love of Maroon 5. More »

We Are A Bit Worried About Our Antipodean Cousins

11:59AM Jess McGuire | We realise New Zealand is a unique and wonderful country, full of breathtaking landscape, more dub and reggae than anyone with a raging hangover can handle (that’s experience talking, folks), and messed up vowels. Whatever. We happily embrace their Shortland Street-lovin’ ways, and will in fact be “touring” the country in June which will no doubt result in some bewildered sounding posts amazing Serious Travel Journalism. But here’s something we can’t quite fathom or forgive – Westlife is still, inexplicably, massive over there. Irish boy band Westlife’s Wellington concert on May 9 has sold out in just three hours. The 4000 tickets for the concert at TSB Bank Arena went on sale at 9am on Saturday and all were gone by lunchtime. The band formed in 1998 and has had 14 No 1 hits in Britain. Yes, 14 No 1 hits in Britain – and every one of them guaranteed to cause sterility/aural cat AIDS/etc. More »

Princess Eugenie Scrubs Up Pretty Well!

11:35AM Jess McGuire | The Daily Mail has reported Fergie’s youngest child Princess Eugenie has just sat for her first official portrait, and it’s fair to say the results are rather pleasing for all involved. We imagine this photo is going straight to her Facebook account (MySpazz being dead and all). It is pleasing to note that Eugenie’s saintliness (and newly embraced inner hottie) has not been tarnished by her association with “undesirables” like Bob Geldof’s offspring… Unlike her cousins, William and Harry, the nearest Eugenie has come to a public scandal was being turned away from the VIP section at a music festival two years ago because the bouncer didn’t believe she was a princess. That’s not to say she doesn’t have her moments and with a possy of dubious friends including Peaches and Pixie Geldof, it’s no surprise that her own father admits she had been a “tearaway” at times. Would that be Pixie Geldof, Eugenie’s red hot lesbian lover? Britain’s Princess Eugenie has posted a loving message to Sir Bob Geldof’s daughter Pixie, on the internet site Facebook. The 17-year-old princess jokingly calls the 16-year-old rocker’s daughter her “lover” and says she can’t wait to see her again. Eugenie wrote on Pixie’s personal Facebook page: “Am seeing you in less than two days after it being nearly a year and I feel that is hideous behavior from both is us. Can’t handle another year with no love from my lover.” She then ends the message with 20 kisses. 10 kisses is hilarious japery. Fifteen, maybe bi-curious experimentation. But everyone knows that ending a playful Facebook wall post with 20 goddamn kisses is pretty much as close to fully-fledged Ellenism as one can get. Moving on. Let us turn to a commenter on the Daily Mail’s website for a nice summary of Eugenie’s spunky Tatler turn. After the makeover, she looks the best. - Ms D.Lee, Hong Kong Indeed, Ms D. Lee of Hong Kong. Indeed. More »