Tennis Meanies Make Little Grunting Girls Cry

You know we’re a sucker for a human interest story, and today’s winner is a touching tale of a little tennis-loving girl whose on-court noises evidently gave onlookers and opponents harrowing flashbacks to the glory days of Monica Seles and, apparently fearing a repeat of Seles’ grunting-induced stabbing (note: may not actually be real reason), have banned the little tacker from playing.

Look at that little face! Would you tell her she couldn’t pursue her dream just because of an unfortunate vocal tic? It seems such moral questions did not cross the minds of Mt Carmel Tennis Club when they advised Lauryn Edwards’ parents that she needed to shut up or ship out.

Mr Edwards said the club had asked him for an assurance Lauryn would remain silent on the court.

“They told me to guarantee she won’t grunt or she can’t play,” he said.

“How can I guarantee that? She’s been doing it since she was really little. She’s her own person.

“What do they want me to do? Put Band-Aids over her mouth? They made her cry on the court when they told her.

“She was in such a state that I had to bring her home mid-match.”

Lauryn, who has attention deficit disorder, has been playing tennis since the age of four, after it was recommended by her school psychologist at Sunbury Primary to burn energy and keep her focused.

If the admin at Mt Carmel Tennis Club were hoping for anything nice this Christmas, it’s safe to say that – at least in the eyes of the Edwards family and a few million readers of News Ltd papers and websites – they can expect a great big lump of coal now.

Not since the saga of Wild Child Acting And Dance Studios have we been so completely engrossed in this sort of small-town stage/sports parenting drama!