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Rolling Stone Revelations: Britney Spears Is An 'Inbred Swamp Thing' Who 'Wants Us To Know What We Did To Her'
Posted by Defamer Hollywood at 9:08 AM on February 9, 2008
We can't remember the last time we actually bought a hard copy of Rolling Stone. But with all the buzz surrounding this issue's Britney Spears cover story, we found ourselves dashing to the news stand first thing this morning and tearing through the issue as we drank our morning coffee. Needless to say, the piece does not disappoint. What follows are some of our favourite slices from Vanessa Grigoriadis' fascinating look of the person she describes as having "the most public downfall of any star in history."
· Grigoriadis describes Britney as being "an inbred swamp thing who chain-smokes, doesn't do her nails, tells reporters to 'eat it, snort it, lick it, fuck it' and screams at people who want pictures for their little sisters."
· On the trip that she took to Vegas where she ended up marrying her high-school boyfriend Jason Alexander, "she packed her bags on a plane for three days of partying in Las Vegas - cocaine during the evening, Ecstasy in the early morning and Xanax to sleep, according to Alexander."
· Britney lost her virginity to a high school boyfriend named Reg Jones at 14, despite repetitive claims that Justin popped her sacred cherry. [Britney denies this]
· In 2000, Britney covered the Rolling Stones' classic "Satisfaction." But when "she found herself in an elevator with Mick Jagger, she had no idea who he was."
· In 2002, Justin Timberlake broke up with Britney after finding "a mash note" written by Wade Robson in her dressing room, just hours before they were set to perform on Saturday Night Live.
· Britney's original concept for the "Everytime" video was for her "to die in an overflowing bathtub with pills and booze strewn around, and get reincarnated as a baby."
· During the time that he was a fixture on the L.A. club scene, Kevin Federline's nickname was "Meat Pole."
· Britney asked for her divorce from Federline via text message, which prompted K. Fed to write this on a bathroom wall: "Today I'm a free man — Fuck a wife, give me my kids, bitch!"
· After the famous shaving her head incident, "she stayed up for 48 hours straight, driving around, sucking down dozens of Red Bulls, afraid that she was being followed by demons, or that a cell-phone charger was taping her thoughts."
· During rehearsals for the 2007 VMAs, Justin Timberlake tried to mend fences with Britney by knocking on her dressing room door. Britney "refused to come out", as she was "waiting for a wig [created] by master coiffeur Ken Paves."
· Britney hired Sam Lufti as her manager based on this line item from his resume -- he was Kevin Federline's private eye. He also endeared himself by revealing to Britney's assistant that there "was a tap on Britney's phones and a warrant to search her Malibu home for drugs."
· There are 20 members of the paparazzi assigned to follow Britney at all times.
To capsulize Rolling Stone's discoveries in one pointed conclusion, Grigoriadis summarizes Britney's current situation by saying, "she's the canary in the coal mine of our culture, the most vivid representation of the excesses of the past decade. She didn't think there was a tomorrow worth saving for, and neither did we."
- THE TRAGEDY OF BRITNEY SPEARS [Rolling Stone]
Comments (AU Comments · US Comments)
There are currently no AU comments for this post.
secretagentman
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
@pumpkinsoup: What does it even mean? He has a huge one? He is a huge one? Both?@Brawndo: Means a love note.
secretagentman
pumpkinsoup
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
@Molly Friedman:
Thanks! That was... underwhelming.
pumpkinsoup
Oldboy
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
"The most public downfall of any star in history..."
Don't any of you remember Fatty Arbuckle?
Oldboy
Molly Friedman
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
@pumpkinsoup: See our Pinky and Stinky story from yesterday!
[defamer.com]
Molly Friedman
Theda_Bara
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Was the mash note from "meatpole".........? *boggles*
Theda_Bara
pumpkinsoup
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Wait! What was the scandalous, "don't eat before reading" gossip about Britney and Justin? Come on, don't make me walk through the snow and buy my own copy.
pumpkinsoup
heidiho
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Thank goodness she didn't get further into Zenyatta Mondatta while writing that piece. She'd have ended up with "she's the De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da of our culture." And that's just silly.
heidiho
pumpkinsoup
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Meatpole? Say it with me, "Ewwww."
pumpkinsoup
PressWhore
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Grigoriadis is known for exaggerated exposes that are usually mocking and snide. Many people are familiar with her take on the PR game many years ago in NY Mag titled, Welcome to the Dollhouse where she introduced the world to Lizzie Grubman and that whole crew.
PressWhore
Brawndo
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
While familiar from my fortune-telling, bracelet-weaving teen years, what the hell is a "mash note" again?
Also, it seems that Lynne Spears has got it wrong, Sam Lufti didn't take away her cell phone chargers to control her. He was protecting her. . . from her own paranoid schizophrenia. (Too much ecstacy can do that to you.)
Brawndo
FamaEst
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Let's just pray to sweet baby Jebuz that she doesn't rob us of the early death she's implicitly promised -- like Jacko has done. If in 20 years she's still alive, and hobbling into some court room while wearing pajamas and a wig, then I want my money back.
FamaEst
kates
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
Is the entire article up anywhere? I can't believe I'm asking.
kates
bestdamnedtapper
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
That last summary seems perhaps a bit too academic. Couldn't we just go with the classic "bitch crazy" and be done with it?
bestdamnedtapper
Colonel Mustard
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
I don't like Grigoriadis, but she gets huge points for "canary in the coal mine of our culture". That's an inspired metaphor, right there.
Colonel Mustard
hydeordie
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
if she is the canary, does that mean when i buy my us weekly i am going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning? forget that i admitted to buying us weekly.
hydeordie
MASOCHIST187
Posted 6:11 AM 9/2/08
I'd hit it
MASOCHIST187
NoGrumpys
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
...I'm thinking like The Black Canary on last night's SMALLVILLE
NoGrumpys
Hiphopopotamus
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
I was really hoping to find out she was secretly a Never-Nude.
Hiphopopotamus
SteamyMcFirecrotch
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
"the most public downfall of any star in history." Obviously she's too young to remember Judy Garland. Or Liza.
SteamyMcFirecrotch
hack-a-rific
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@pumpkinsoup: I'm either hungry or horny, cause Meatpole actually sounded good to me...
hack-a-rific
Razzler
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
So basically 90% of the exclusive! dirt! in this article has already been broken by other media outlets - I'm pretty sure I read that Reg Jones story a couple months ago in Us Weekly. The only thing Vanessa brings to the table, it seems, is Rolling Stone's usual overwrought dramawhore prose. Not worth my 5 bucks.
Razzler
sawzy
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@Brawndo: It's like a love note, but for people too immature to truly love anyone, hence it's popularity among the pre-teen set.
sawzy
n/a
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@Brawndo: A mash note is a hot and steamy love note... but knowing Britney and Wade Robson I knew the Mash note was more likely that M(ansion) A(partment) S(hack) H(ouse) game i used to play.. oh, back when Dylan from 90210 was still on the cover of Tigerbeat.
Hers probably went like this:
"You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Mercedes SL65.
You will marry a Gold Digging Trash Backup Dancer and have 2 kids.
You will be a Pop Princess who will have a premature obituary written by the AP as a result of your erratic distructive behavior"
and you're telling me Justin didn't stick around?
n/a
Sleepyhead
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@heidiho: Truly, Sam Lutfi, flitting from meal ticket to meal ticket, no rest except when Britney pays for it, is the true "Man In A Suitcase" of our times.
Sleepyhead
revmatty
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@Oldboy: But Fatty was innocent.
revmatty
pumpkinsoup
Posted 8:12 AM 9/2/08
@secretagentman: Hee! I think your second suggestions is dead on.
I just can't deal with the word meat used to describe a sexual organ. It hits my squick-o-meter hardcore.
pumpkinsoup
heidiho
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
@Sleepyhead: "Every Little Thing She Does Is Tragic"
heidiho
rachystyle
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
@tbolt:
A choreographer. He was besties with N*Sync in the day, he stood in for Joey Fatone in the Dirty Pop video because Joey had a knee injury.
And, I am proud to say that Kevin wrote that nice note on a SHOWER door at the House of Blues in Chicago where G.A. was $0.00.
rachystyle
TryThisAtHome
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
"Hangnail on the maniform of our collective consciousness?"
Let the manicurist decide.
TryThisAtHome
TryThisAtHome
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
How about "Road Kill on the Corniche of our Collective Consciousness?"
Let the CHP decide.
TryThisAtHome
wundergirl
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
And for this Rolling Stone, after years of being on hiatus due to your sub-par writing and generally uninteresting content, I will resume my readership. But only if the words "crazy" & "bitch" appear in a single sentence, and only if they describe the train wreck that is Britney Spears.
wundergirl
heidiho
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
@Sleepyhead: My brain is too mushy today, but I'd really like to figure out a "Behind My Camel" metaphor.
heidiho
mothrafairy
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
Canary, or "Cooked Goose on the Christmas Dinner Table of Our Collective Consciousness"?
Let science decide.
mothrafairy
tbolt
Posted 9:11 AM 9/2/08
Regarding the most public downfall, tidbit, little michael jackson still gets my vote.
Who the hell is wade robeson?
tbolt
Cam/ron
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
@Trixie from Toronto: I also disliked that NY Mag piece. She focused too little on Gawker's writings and why they're popular - she instead went for red meat and portrayed the Gawker staff as doomed, self-absorbed yobs. What? There are NYC journalists who are bitter and abuse drugs? OMG!
Cam/ron
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
@Colonel Mustard: I agree. That's profound. I didn't like her either after that whole "Gawker people were mean to me" thing.
Trixie from Toronto
heidiho
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
@Cam/ron: Ugh. I always thought Jancee Dunn got Britney when she used to profile her for RS. She was able to convey Brit's vulnerability without insulting her.
heidiho
justbitter
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
x in the morning, coke in the evening, and xanax to get to sleep...that's my new mantra.
justbitter
Cam/ron
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
I saw Vannessa G. on CNN the other night (I believe it was on Larry King) and she definitely came across as a sleaze hound who is more interested in gossiping rather than informing readers. There was one moment when she complained about Spears not wearing a bra in public - way to be an fair, unbiased reporter, yo.
Cam/ron
Benovite
Posted 11:11 AM 9/2/08
Whenever I see the words "Meatpole" I think of shawarma.
[i27.tinypic.com]
Benovite
Trixie from Toronto
Posted 12:11 PM 9/2/08
@Cam/ron: It was ridiculous. It pissed me off for weeks. But I do like the image of Britney being our culture's canary in a coal mine.
Trixie from Toronto
Molly Friedman
Posted 12:11 PM 9/2/08
@rachystyle @tbolt: And after being outed as the reason for JT/Package's breakup, got his own dancing reality show on MTVH1!
Molly Friedman
Molly Friedman
Posted 12:11 PM 9/2/08
@pumpkinsoup: I agree. Not a day goes by without a "smell my fingers" story from famous, hot, successful international celebrities.
Yawn.
No seriously, I too didn't find the story "vulgar" enough to put the NYDN off their lunch. Prudes.
Molly Friedman
Back in the Habit
Posted 2:11 PM 9/2/08
So when Brit shits herself to death, how much does the shot of her lifeless body straddling the can go for? Two, three million?
Does she call the paps as it's happening?
"Hey, it's me...yeah it's time. Shitting myself to death. The door's unlocked, come on in."
Back in the Habit
raincoaster5
Posted 4:11 PM 9/2/08
"Waiting for Paves," coming soon to Off-Broadway.
raincoaster5
Cam/ron
Posted 1:11 AM 11/2/08
The cover reminds me of RS's Cobain cover that they ran after he died. Very subtle, Jann.
Cam/ron
Miss d
Posted 2:11 PM 11/2/08
@Razzler: yeah. just what I was thinking. Seems Vanessa holed up with 5 years of People back issues, and cut & pasted a really poor article in the process...
Even with all her posturing about Brit being a cultural canary - VG is just as guilty of the hubris she accusing others of having...
Miss d