Ratings-Obsessed Quack Dr. Phil Tells ‘The Early Show’ He Was Only Motivated By Britney’s Welfare

Are we going soft if we’re starting feel a little badly for Mr. Phil? The guy answers one frantic phone call from a family in need, then instantly jumps to action, gathering a handful of tongue depressors, a non-functioning stethoscope, and a camera crew before rushing bedside to treat their daughter’s Fake British Accent Disorder. He then innocently offers his frank assessment of her condition to Paramount TV syndie-cousin ET.

Next thing you know, he’s making all the necessary stops on the publicity circuit, forced to explain why he chose to so flagrantly disregard the Hypocritical Oath he took upon graduating from fake-doctor school. Appearing today on The Early Show, Phil (whose moustache, according to the chyron above, has been cleared by animal control of all racoons and opossoms and is ready for action), reiterates that he always had Britney Spears’s best interests at heart – unlike those other “vultures” in the media. Not to mention that lady with the lesbian hairdo currently hosting CBS’s eternally third-placed morning program!

• The Early Show [CBS]