Dirty Texts, Smuggled Vodka, And Sober Chynas: Never A Dull ‘Celebrity Rehab’ Moment

We’ve already acknowledged our powerlessness over the reality drug that is VH1’s Celebrity Rehab, so we’re not even going to preface this with any sort of disclaimer: This shit’s some high-grade, Z-list mess-amphetamine we’re dealing in here, and we’re proud to declare ourselves a bitch to its pipe. Where to start! Daniel dismissed himself from the program, for, as best as we can make out, sending (ballet-class enthusiast!) Mary Carey suggestive cellphone images of his little Baldwin–a scandal that quickly wreaked untold havoc on the carefully controlled atmosphere of their burnout biodome. Semi-regular series villain Vicki, who seems less a human than a relapse-hastening she-gremlin sent down to producers from story editor heaven, was caught smuggling vodka in via Vitamin Water bottle during a visit to Jeff.

Then, of course, there’s the ongoing issue of what brought a non-drug-abusing, drinking-problem-free Joanie into the program in the first place. Reduced to grasping at addiction straws, Dr. Drew and his staff suggested such other possibilities as steroids (”Nope!”), crystal meth (”Not even once!”), and finally an expensive Starbucks habit (”Yuck–hate coffee!”), before the browbeaten therapists finally threw up their arms in defeat and called the session early.

• Celebrity Rehab [VH1]
• Previously: Dr. Drew Leads Emotional Intervention To Figure Out How Non-Addict Joanie Got On ‘Celebrity Rehab’ [Defamer]