To steal a phrase from the Austin Powers flicks, there are only two things we can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch. Actually, that's not true at all. We love the Dutch! Especially because their love for Hey Dad! has strangely lead to someone using a video camera to film the television screen while the opening credits to the program were playing!

We suspect it's not the real Dario Argento on YouTube uploading this sort of malarkey, but you never know.

We're big fans of both Bon Scott and Bon Scott-era AC/DC (as if there were any other) here at Defamer Australia, so when we heard - via, er, The Bon Scott Fan Club email newsletter - that a statue was being planned in his home state of Western Australia, we were a little concerned that it might not capture the man's true greatness, so to speak.

We are, then, pleased to announce that no such indignity will be suffered by Scott's memory - or, for that matter, the memory of his pants:

West Australian Bon Scott Fan Club president Doug Thorncroft, who pushed for almost a decade to have a permanent tribute to his Scottish-born hard rock hero, said the statue was just right.

"It's true Bon in his rock and roll singer stance. He's giving it all to the crowd, he said.

"He's got a microphone in his left hand, tilted up and the cable from the amp on the right, and it's just so Bon.

"His jeans are painted on with his package bulging out."

The statue will be fully unveiled this weekend.

Look, we know what it's like to try and make it in this heady world of show business; we've seen 42nd Street and A Star Is Born, we know how it all works.

So, we know that when you're a starlet trying to get a leg up, you take what you can get - we're just not sure that going about it the way Jessica Marais has is the way to go:

Rising actress Jessica Marais has shunned walking in the shadow of Hollywood star Cate Blanchett, demanding to be known only on her own merits.

Comparisons between the National Institute of Dramatic Art graduates began to fly after Marais's costume from her final stage production Sweet Charity joined a selection of Blanchett's memorabilia archived at the prestigious school more than 16 years ago.

While the South African-born beauty is flattered by the rare storage move and being dubbed the next Blanchett, she's also aware it could be the kiss of death.

"I want to be the next Jessica Marais not Cate Blanchett," the 23-year-old said this week.

"It detracts from what is unique about you, which is how you get the role."

At which point did people go from that information to "the new Cate Blanchett"? Admittedly this is equally the fault of the press as much as it is Marais herself, but still.

We're going to adopt this immediately as our new personal PR campaign; just pick a famous person you are not actually being compared to, and then complain about being compared to them.

To wit: "Could people please stop saying Defamer Australia is the next New York Times? We'd prefer to be judged on our own exceptional merits."

Our obsession with Jillian continues...

The brilliant Elspeth from The Celebrity Perfumery totally obeyed our demands after we raved about her Kate Moss effort and knocked up a drawing of Jillian, along with a recipe for The Biggest Loser's personal scent. Check it, yo.

Jillian Michaels, aka the black widow of excercise, emmits a powerful punch to the nose.
One whiff of her sweat towel and you'll either faint or corrode into a pile of dust!
- Cranberry juice
- Antibacterial soap
- Brazil nuts
- Tempeh
- Hemorrhoid cream
- Facial hair bleach
- Papaya
- Stale discharge
- Kiwi fruit shampoo
- Pepper spray
- Spearmint gum

Smack your cheeks with the concoction, as if it were cologne. You may sprout the odd chin whisker, that's a sign that your hormone levels are adjusting to accommodate the hostile brew.

Very good. Elspeth was also kind enough to draw an image of Defamer Australia's Editor post-hair shaving (YOU CAN STILL SPONSOR US IF YOU LIKE). If we put them side by side, it's almost as though we're hanging out with our idol!

Sigh. Jillian, we will hunt you down and make you train us if it's the last thing we do.

It's that time of the week - we're merely hours away from weekend fun and we're all willing the remaining minutes of our Friday to fly past so we can do something more fun, like dance to Hall & Oates at a crowded venue while drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Let us help you avoid doing any proper work by suggesting some charming Facebook groups for you to join.

Group Name: Do you accept to marry a not virgin girl?
Description: an appeal to all the men who claim they fashions and Open Mind and they are the men and liberal ideas ask them this important question : Do you accept to marry a not virgin girl - ? If Daringness have to respond to this question admitted but without lied
Defamer Australia says... In a culture which celebrates promiscuity, the creators of this group ask a very poignant question - in adorable broken English. Ever since we joined this group, we have been "poked" by many handsome single men from Beirut. Ladies, take note!

Group Name: Shit Movie Club
Description: The concept basically involves going to see completely lowbrow movies and heckling/worshipping them as we see fit. We will spend more hours than we dare to count visiting Greater Unions and Hoyts cinemas until we fully appreciate fart jokes, until we walk away wondering "Yeah, like what IS it with men and women, they're so DIFFERENT LOLOLOL", until we know Jessica Alba's resume back to front. Shit Movie Club expects every man (and woman) to do their duty. Go and see a lowbrow flick and report back immediately for appropriately banal discussion.
Defamer Australia says... We created this group. We're going to see 27 Dresses tonight on a girl date with our friend Kirsten, and we're hoping it's going to be appalling and thus amazing. Either way, it'd want to be better than Atonement, which we hated with a red hot passion.

Group Name: I believe Sandra Sully is bonking Brad from Sports Tonight
Description: This group is based nothing other than the INTENSE looks those two give each other every night, the little quips they make, and the flirtatious segues they make for each other. I hope they are bonking. A little bit of late night flirting on the TV is fun to watch before i go to bed. Go you good things.
Defamer Australia says... You know, ever since we joined this posse, we've never been able to look at the late news in the same way. So much chemistry, people!

Group Name: Bindi Irwin scares the SHIT out of me
Description: A support network for those who believe Chucky and Bindi will one day join forces AND KILL US ALL.
Defamer Australia says... Interesting fact! Australia Zoo does not appreciate the existence of this group, but more on that little nugget of information in the future...

Group Name: If you got THICK THIGHS,PHAT ASS,TIG OL BITTIES , basically if u r a nympho
Description: WEEKLY CHECK IN YA'LL dis ya boi yours truely checkin in makin sure everybody straight,vibin in the group, GETTIN ALONG!!!!!!!!!!!! but if ya'll have any request holla at me
Defamer Australia says... We have no idea what that description means, but we are quite taken with the phrase "TIG OL BITTIES".

Group Name: A Baby Squirrel Wearing a Cowboy Hat Riding a Golden Retriever Puppy
Description: A baby squirrel wearing a cowboy hat riding a golden retriever puppy with a saddle and cowboy hat on.
Defamer Australia says... There is really not much more to add. Every time we feel low, we stare at the picture of the baby squirrel wearing a cowboy hat riding a golden retriever puppy, and something shifts deep inside us. The creators of this group may just have come up with the best new religion of the 21st Century.

Group Name: I COULD Go For That, And By That, I Mean Hall and Oates
Description: Hall and Oates are musical geniuses.
Defamer Australia says... Dude... She's Gone? Sara Smile? Rich Girl? There's really nothing we can add, is there?

Group Name: B.D. WONG IS NEVER WRONG
Description: If you don't know who B.D. Wong is, then keep browsin'.
Defamer Australia says... B.D. Wong makes us scream with glee whenever he appears on the screen during Law & Order: SVU. He fucking brings it every time, and we love him deeply for it.

And there you have it. Feel free to suggest Facebook groups for us to join and plug by emailing the usual address.

In an incredibly original move for a troubled musician in the grips of fame and substance issues, it appears Amy Winehouse - who has been staying in a hotel since leaving rehab, presumably since her house is full of drugs triggers - has taken to making a mess in her hotel room.

She stopped short of tossing the television set out the window, but we were quietly amused by the inventory of crap that housekeeping found in her five-star accommodation when she nicked out to the Brit Awards:

Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor.

The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub.

She had even taken a large mirror off the wall and placed it on the floor. Staff were baffled why. I’m not.

A source for the Riverbank Plaza Hotel on the Albert Embankment revealed: “It was carnage.”

You know, apart from the unwashed undies; that's just taking it all a step too far.

We know more than a few people who actually took to listening to and/or playing Naughty Girl ("Ecstasy! Ecstasy! E, E, E, E, Ecstasy!"), the climactic club number from Mr G's Summer Heights High magnum opus, back when the series was on the air.

One Defamer Australia pal even went so far as to "drop" the track in the middle of an indie rock club's DJ set.

It goes without saying, then, that there will be a lot of very excited people around the country next week, when Mr G releases the track as an official single!

The popular creation of satirist Chris Lilley, the drama teacher will break out of his small-screen stardom with the stand-out track from Mr G The Musical.

...

He plans a full-scale promotional assault to realise his dreams of achieving greater recognition of his talent.

"I'm planning to use the song as the school bell for a week once it's released. The Principal doesn't know this yet but I've booked in with the PA ladies and I'm going to blast it all over the school. This should help sales," Mr G said.

The 36-year-old scene-stealer said he had already received a huge response to the single, including the remixes by Paul Mac, John Paul Talbot and Stylaz Fuego.

The single will be available digitally on March 1st and on CD from the 8th.

· You might recognize Thomas Dekker as the almost- but-not -quite -gay Zach from Heroes, or as a young John Connor on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. In this photoshoot, we like to imagine he's listening to an advanced copy of Kylie's latest, and just celebrating all the great things happening to his career. [Queerty]
· Thursday Evening Mind-Melt, Pt. 1: You want meta? Here's your meta: Michel Gondry "swedes" his own Be Kind Rewind trailer. (Now get Amanda Bynes to swede the sweded trailer, and you're likely to have your brains run right out your ears!) [YouTube via The Thighmaster]
· MTV Movie Blog's Josh Horowitz always fantasized about starring in one of those parody Oscar openings, so he went ahead and made one himself. He looks curiously fetching in a Tilda Swinton wig. [moviesblog.mtv.com]
· Thursday Evening Mind-Melt, Pt. 2: It's the Twin Peaks backwards-dancing-midget dream sequence....Backwards. [YouTube]
· Jelly Bean Clooney! [PageSix.com]

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We're not usually prone to repeating titles in full, but there was something about the phrase "Nine probes Underbelly leaks", combined with a rather unpleasant photo of the real Carl Williams, that just had us thinking about bottoms and fingers and god knows what else happening in the back rooms of Nine.

In any case, Channel Nine are - a little after the eight ball - investigating their own ranks after copies of Underbelly were distributed to people involved in the Melbourne gangland strife, which could lead to contempt of court issues if said people end up in the trial that led to the Victorian banning of the series in the first place.

The Daily Telegraph has been told network bosses in Melbourne want to know how episodes of the 13-part series got into the hands of some of the underworld players portrayed in the series and the general public.

...

A spokeswoman for the station said two people had been questioned and denied making any copies available.

She said only those involved in programming or selling the series were entitled to view episodes in a "controlled environment" and the network was not fearful of contempt charges.

"No (we're not fearful), but whoever is operating a black market should be. Nine continues to abide by the court order," she said.

Roberta Williams, the former wife of gangland kingpin Carl Williams, said she received nine episodes of the series complete with Underbelly promotional labels before it was aired interstate.

Although, perhaps they would be, if Nine threatened to re-launch Monster House and throw 'persons of interest' into a "hilarious" hidden camera routine with Rebel Wilson.

The Los Angeles City Council is expected to vote next week on whether or not to preserve the bungalow where the hard-living and harder-drinking poet and author Charles Bukowski wrote his first novel. The city's Cultural Heritage Commission is attempting to designate the nearly 90-year-old property as a historic monument, which would effectively rescue it from certain destruction at the hands real estate developers who are just itching to put up some condos in its place. Wonder if someday someone will do the same for the apartment off The Strip that the members of Mötley Crüe once lived in? Somehow, we doubt it. [Reuters]

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Occasionally a story comes along that gets us inordinately excited, even if it really has nothing to do with anything and doesn't even involve Jordan or Peter Andre or Angela Bishop being accidentally sprayed with hydrochloric acid.

Today's installment in this rich lineage is the thrilling news that Chiko are looking for a new "Chiko Roll girl".

Now all we need to do is convince Big M to bring back the Big M Girls, and our summer of nostalgia will be complete!

"It's very much a case of out with the old and in with the new," Chiko marketing director Richard Laffy said.

"The aim of the search is to find a girl who is quintessentially Australian - fun, cheeky, down to earth and, above all, active."

...

The Chiko roll was developed by Francis McEnroe, a boilermaker from Bendigo, and first appeared at the Wagga Wagga Show in 1951.

It was designed to be eaten with one hand while drinking a beer with the other at the footy.

But really, "active"? To advertise a greasy snack designed to chow down alongside a tinny at a suburban footy oval near you?

Next they'll be pushing VB as a health tonic!

We enjoyed this comment left on this morning's post about Cashmere Mafia.

I don't know why TV networks don't consult with me before they put this shit on the air. I could have told them about Cashmere Mafia. I could have told them about Monster House. I could have told Channel 10 about The Wedge and that stupid Real Stories Hamish and Andy thing too.

I never even watched any episode of any of those shows - the ads were enough for me to know they'd flop.

by Carla at 9:58 AM

Please, please be who we want you to be...

Boom-tish!

The plight of Friday Night Lights is a familiar one. Everybody likes it, but its ratings have been as handicapped as Jason Street. So, what's a network to do? First NBC tried moving it to Friday, then they tried injecting an off-putting murder subplot, but still no Nielsen love. Then the nice folks at bestweekever.tv got in on the act with their "Save Friday Night Lights Campaign" involving light bulbs and a petition, but even that was kiboshed by the Vh1 brass. Just when things were looking like the show would go the way of the dodo and Arrested Development, a new hope has arisen.

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Tragic news for Hi-5 fans - Charli "Not Corey" Delaney is leaving the kiddy entertainment factory!

After a decade entertaining pint-sized fans around the world, original Hi-5 member Charli Delaney has decided to hang up her dancing shoes - and devastated kiddies have Adam Gilchrist to blame.

Although she'd been thinking about leaving for a couple of years, it wasn't until Delaney heard the cricket legend announce his retirement last month that she decided the time was right.

"Gilchrist retired the same day as my last show in Perth and I'm a cricket tragic," Delaney, 27, said. "I woke up to his speeches and it put me in a reflective mood. I thought: 'thanks Gilly' . . . it was a typical Aussie girl thing to do."

Well, we're not sure we'd ever take our cues from Australian cricketers, but whatever.

So what does this mean for Hi-5?

It's now a case of Hi-2 when it comes to original members, with Nathan Foley and Kellie Hoggart the only ones left.

Oh, the pair who were once engaged? This ought to be deliciously awkward.

We wanted Cashmere Mafia to blow us away with wit and brilliance, truly we did. There's nothing we like better at the beginning of the year than discovering a gem of a show we can get obsessive about, leading us to cancel important social engagements in order to ensure we're sitting in front of the small screen at the same time each week, desperately craving another hit from the televisual bong.

After learning of Cashmere Mafia last year (a result of our incredibly pointless search for Frances O'Connor), we did express some reservations about the show's name, muttering in a concerned manner "We're glad to see two charming Australian actresses have been gainfully employed, but... Cashmere Mafia? Why not just call the show Labia and get it over with?"

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Will Fop, formerly Defamer Australia's UK Correspondent, recently moved to Paris and shall be referred to from this point on as our European Correspondent. As Eurovision fast approaches, Will Fop will be submitting sporadic reports to discuss pop's tizzied up night of nights, and today he has filed his first story. Happily, it involves two Australian celebrities!

I hope you are all aware that Tina Arena could well be representing France at Eurovision this year. Kylie is also being frequently mentioned in the press in France and on ESC messageboards as a rumoured possibility. I feel this to be less likely (though she is desperate to hock 'X' in France presently for some reason, so it would make some sense in light of her current promotional strategem).

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We were overjoyed to discover yesterday that Our Kylie did not let her country down at The Brits, walking away from the ceremony with the Best International Female Solo Artist award.

"I'm all overcome. This is incredible," the Australian pop princess told the crowd as she collected her award.

...

The win followed a dazzling performance from Minogue, who took to the stage to sing Wow, from her latest album X.

Dressed in a jewelled gold figure-hugging dress, she appeared with a line of dancers fully covered in shiny, metallic tracksuits with matching helmets. The performance and award mark a triumphant return to the music show for Minogue following her battle with breast cancer.

And how does one celebrate such a massive return to form? By quaffing an insanely expensive cocktail purchased by a mysterious admirer!

After winning Best International Female Solo Artist at the Brits last night, the singer was given a £35,000 Flawless cocktail by another VIP clubber.

The enormously expensive drink, which is a Movida trademark, comprises Louis XII cognac, half a bottle of Cristal Rose champagne, brown sugar, bitters and a few chips of 24-carat edible gold leaf.

But making up the lion's share of the price tag is an 11-carat diamond ring in the bottom of the glass.

The buyer did not want to be named but a source said: "He's known in the royal circles."

Mohammed Al Fayed?

We were also pleased to learn that Kylie enjoyed spending some quality time at the after party with fellow Aussie singer Natalie Imbruglia.

While enjoying her crowded party, 39-year-old Kylie was in fierce competition with fellow Aussie singer Natalie Imbruglia, 33, to see who was the most flexible. The competition involved seeing who could bend their back the most. An onlooker said: "It was a close call. But Kylie probably won. It was all just for fun really."

Another said: "Winning meant so much to Kylie, you could tell."

In your fucking face, Imbruglia.

If you aren't yet familiar with magical Mormon munchkin David Archuleta, chances are you will be soon. Already dubbed the Chosen One by the LAT, the 17-year-old singing wunderkind seems as though he were literally fashioned out of plasticine by disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, ready out-of-the-box for mass tween consumption. And while his aw-shucks humility has served him well thus far in the competition (his reaction to the judge's gushing and Ryan Seacrest's mild flirtation after his first performance was something akin to tickling a five-year-old mercilessly), Archuleta, in keeping with the theme of this year's vet-heavy Idol, is no stranger to high-stakes performing.

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Looks like Penelope co-stars Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon could learn a thing or two from touchy-feely new couple Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman: when co-starring in a film that's not guaranteed to be a hit, don't stop at matching haircuts and standing thisclose together at the premiere. Go in for the kill already! Holding on to each other and smiling from ear to ear (but not rear to rear), Reesetina looked almost as lovey-dovey as ScarNat at the LA premiere of Penelope last night, but one set of tattooed cleavage does not a Fake Kiss make.

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We certainly didn't mean to contribute to any level of mass panic with our urgent-yet-responsible (we like to think it was just hysterical enough) noting of a Hepatitis A scare at Ashton Kutcher's recent star-studded birthday bash. Minutes after hitting publish, however, the sight of more than a few civilians running past Defamer HQ windows, shouting things like, "We're all going to die, and that guy from Dude, Where's My Car? is the one to blame! No, not Stifler--the other oooonneeee..." before trailing off into the distance, led us to wonder if perhaps we shouldn't clarify the situation further for our readers. So to be sure, this celebrity outbreak is limited to the NYC area--unless, of course, any of the dozens of L.A.-based guests in attendance made their way back here in the ensuing two weeks, and chose to mingle with our general population. But what are the chances of that? Because accurate information at times like these is key, a Defamer operative has sent in the official statement from NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene ("NOT the Board of Health," as has been misreported), which we dutifully reprint for you here:

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While individual celebrities each have their own, signature facial characteristics--the Clooney brow, the Damon eyes, the Streep nose--it would seem to us that with all the scientific advances now available (clone-morph/stem-cell/gene-splicing technologies or what have you, we're not exactly sure how all that wizardry works), that cherrypicking the best of what's out there and compressing the bits and pieces into one star-loaf is definitely the way to go. Apparently, Star magazine had the very same idea, as they've attempted the darned-near impossible:

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Sigh. Fat Clooney, Black and White Clooney, U.N. Clooney, even bathroom stall Clooney--there's just no one quite like George. Just ask Time magazine columnist Joel Stein, who, assigned with the burden of perhaps one of the most culturally significant cover stories of our time (hint: it's called "The Last Movie Star,"), did the nearly unthinkable: He invited the Michael Clayton star to his home. For a home-cooked dinner. And George said yes.

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In today's most dramatic case of Hollywood hypocrisy, LAPD chief William Bratton has reportedly lashed out at anyone in favour of Councilman Dennis Zine's proposal for a new Britney Spears-inspired paparazzi law. Bratton went so far as to criticise the press for covering "airheads" and also suggested stars get psychiatric help in his monthly interview with KPCC. Which all sounds up to par and somewhat sensible until you remember this is the same Bratton who himself is fond of "traipsing all over town" with his press-happy wife. From LA Observed:

What we need is Britney Spears to stay home instead of traipsing all over town. That would solve the problem. We don't need additional laws...I've got laws coming out my ears to deal with this issue."

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Thanks to advances in CGI, reports The Onion, even Michael Bay will be getting his due on Oscar night, as green-screen technology will allow programmers to recreate with stunning proximity the illusion that the director is collecting an Academy Award right alongside his nominated Transformers sound and visual effects men. They even have made a grinning Jack in sunglasses out of millions of tiny vectors! [The Onion]

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When it comes to Wednesday's reality television options, ladies night on American Idol isn't the only game in town. The CW featured a ladies night of a different sort as Tyra Banks unleashed the Cycle 10 premiere of America's Next Top Model on an unsuspecting world. (Can it only be Cycle 10? It feels more like 87.)

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Mid-February must be Hepatitis A season, as nearly a year-to-the-day from the Wolfgang Puck scare that made rubber surgical gloves and gas masks the accessories of choice at awards season soirées comes another potentially devastating celebrity contagion. Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday [ed. note: Again?] two weeks ago at a club in New York, but it's only just now surfaced that a waitress working there at the time was infected with the jaundicing disease, putting such luminaries in attendance as Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow (and, to a lesser urgent-extent, Molly Sims and Rachel Zoe) at risk. Star magazine reports:

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Hipsters can complain about it all they want, but America has fully embraced the Junoverse. Not only is it the most popular of this year's Best Picture nominees ($US125 million and counting), it also has an excellent chance of pulling off a Crash-style upset come Sunday. While we seemingly hear the phrase "it's the closest Oscar race in years" each and every awards season, this year it might actually be true. No one movie stands out as a frontrunner. No Country For Old Men is confusing, There Will Be Blood is looooong and grim, 6 people saw Michael Clayton and Atonement feels like an afterthought. That leaves Juno. Just because you sit in your little Silverlake apartment hating on all that overwritten dialogue doesn't mean the rest of the country didn't find it utterly charming.

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Michael Lohan is back and he's looking for trouble. Not only has he allegedly revealed all the prescription medications Lindsay has ever taken to In Touch, he also claims he's chosen not to view the NY Mag photo shoot because he's such a good dad. So, dare we ask, what advice does he have for his darling daughter and all the other lost souls out there? "Most of these young people shouldn't be on some of these medications, they should be getting spiritual guidance, counseling and exercise." Not only does Michael know just what's good for you, he's qualified to give out medical advice! The only difference between Michael and a real doctor? That pesky doctor-patient confidentiality thing.

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· The strike's over, but we were waiting for a deal like this one to really start celebrating: Sony bought 2012, an obnoxiously over-the-top end-of-the-world disaster flick that's going to cost at least $200 million for Roland Emmerich to make! Yay! The studios are back to hemorrhaging money again! [Variety]
· The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films Saturn Awards nominations gave 300 the most nominations with ten, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix a close second at nine. Flabbergasted producers of The Golden Compass responded by saying, "We had fucking talking-polar-bear fights! What else could you possibly be looking for?!" [Variety]

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After witnessing the multi-hued splendor of Tuesday's boys' night, last night's all-girl competition on American Idol was something of a letdown, each contestant virtually indistinguishable from the pageant-ready hopeful who came before her. Even Carly Smithson, the focus of some controversy for having already released a major-label album only to see it flop spectacularly, failed to impress an even-ornerier-than-usual Simon Cowell, who diverged from his two articulation-challenged co-judges to (rightfully) observe, "there's so much hype about you...so much expectation...there's a buzz about you...everything about it for me was a letdown."

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Lorne Michaels is going to do something he hasn't done since 1976. No, not snort coke off of Chevy Chase's shiner. Starting with SNL's triumphant post-strike return to the air this Saturday, he's going to put on four new episodes back-to-back. But if everyone is "so happy to be back at work" according to the NY Times, why is Lorne so blue about the prospect? Being the perfectionist producer that he is, he's rife with regret about the pop culture events they didn't get a chance to cover. "We missed Mike Huckabee. We never got to do our Mitt Romney." As if that weren't bad enough, the show "still needs to find it's Obama." So what can devotees expect when the season returns? Well, after Tina Fey slam dunks her performance this week, Ellen Page will be hosting the next week. After that, the picture is a bit murkier.

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If you have any children on your lap while reading this post, now's a good time to ask them to leave the room. We're about to reveal some hard truths and some major spoilers about life. Ready? The tooth fairy doesn't exist, Santa Claus could care less whether you're naughty or nice, and reality TV isn't exactly real. We know. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you had to find out sooner or later. And if we didn't tell you, you would have surely arrived at that conclusion after reading the Village Voice's riveting "exposé" of Iron Chef America.

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When it comes to imaginative and inventive indie auteurs, you can have your Spike Jonzes and your David O. Russells and your Vincent Gallos. But us? We're sticking with Amanda Bynes! Thanks to the copious research of one delightfully outraged YouTube user, it has come to light that the plot of Michel Gondry's Be Kind Rewind was lifted lock, stock, and barrel from an 8-year-old episode of Nickelodeon's The Amanda Show.

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In a stunning victory for lovers of linear medical serials peopled by a variety of horny doctors prone to solipsistic monologue-delivery over aficionados of tropical sci-fi adventures with a penchant for adding confounding new plot elements without explaining the significance of the approximately two dozen such elements introduced prior, ABC has announced a Thursday night programming shift. The network will be returning Grey's Anatomy to the prime, Thursday-at-9 spot on their post-strike schedule, bumping Lost to the less-desirable 10 p.m. slot:

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Is there anything that tickles the funny bone more than Alzheimer's disease? Of course not. It's undeniable comedy gold. But thanks to best actress nominee Julie Christie and her big British mouth, there probably won't be any Alzheimer's jokes on this Sunday's Academy Awards. Last month, Christie won a Screen Actors Guild Award for her portrayal of an Alzheimer's patient in the film Away From Her, and she's heavily favored to win the Oscar, too (despite the fact that we don't know a single person who's seen that movie). However, when Christie took the podium to make her victory speech back in January, she quipped:

And if I've forgotten anybody, well, it's just that I'm still in character."

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