Wednesday, February 20, 2008

‘So You Think You Can Dance Australia’ Round Up

1:36PM Clem Bastow | Well, we’re now a week into the “proper” part of So You Think You Can Dance Australia and already the show has been Dogged By Controversy. You know, if by “controversy” you mean “a few people getting upset because a swear word slipped through the filters”. Yes, the joys of live television were in full effect on Sunday, and a stray “f–k” made it through; we laughed heartily at the time, other viewers were less impressed. We’ve been thrilled with how well the show format has been adapted for Australian audiences (i.e. with few changes), but are noticing a strange sort of listlessness now that we’ve reached the Top 20, which is bad news for a show like SYTYCD, which usually starts breaking out the big guns as it gets closer to the finishing line (unlike Idol, which becomes progressively less captivating week by week). We’re not sure if it’s the “corrie” (choreography), the peculiar camera angles (Producer: “Okay guys, they’re about to do a really intricate move, so let’s take the camera as far away as possible, starting… now!”) or the fact that the judges, while great, don’t really have the same personality factor as the American judges, but we were left feeling a little cheated at the end of Sunday’s show. What do you think so far? It could be that we’re just such psychotic fans of the US franchise that nothing will ever match it – but then again, we were more than happy with the audition episodes. However, we were most pleased on Monday to see the back of Melbourne’s Courtney Walker, who had one too many “sexy” moves and not enough actual chops to last it out, and then got all sooky post-”eviction” when judge Jason dared to describe her style as “lyrical jazz” instead of “hip hop jazz” (happily, he bitch-slapped her back down with some very faint praise that basically amounted to “bye bye now, there’s a good girl”, and then it was time for The Bass’ “Okay, Courtney, you need to sit on the stool now” moment, and the Lord said it was good). Don’t worry: we’re not giving up on So You Think You Can Dance Australia just yet. We’d just like to request some slightly better hair/make-up/costuming and slightly less inane banter from The Bass, and the whole thing should get back on track. More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Dad Sez Amy Was Not Interested In Drugs Prior To Being Interested In Blake

1:20PM Clem Bastow | Amy “I Killed A Man In Prison Just To Watch Him Suffer” Winehouse is perhaps these days as well known for her Drug Hell and accompanying ‘personal issues’ as she is for her music, which – until the Grammys just past – seemed to be taking a backseat to the increasingly soap opera-esque events of her personal life. Well, let Dad Mitch Winehouse take you back to a more innocent time, a time pre-Blake Fielder-Civil, when Mitch claims Amy wouldn’t have dreamed of touching hard drugs. You see? We told you it was his fault. Blake, that is, not Mitch. Amy Winehouse’s father Mitch has blamed his jailed son-in-law for his daughter’s addiction to class A drugs. While Mitch concedes Blake Fielder-Civil is “not entirely responsible” for Amy’s drug problems, he believes they worsened after the two married last year. Before getting together with Blake, Amy had told her dad she thought class A drugs were “for mugs”. Blake, 25, is currently languishing in London’s Pentonville prison awaiting trial for GBH and alleged trial fixing. In an interview with Closer magazine, Mitch said: “He’s not entirely responsible, she’s got to take a portion of the responsibility, but it’s clear, it really kicked off when they got together.” There are also some heartwarming words from Winegums’ mum, Janis, who maintains that Amy is a free spirit who just wants to try everything (including a worrying childhood foray into shrooming): “Amy’s a survivor. I’ve had enough silly childhood things to know that – she once ate a toadstool in the garden when she was a toddler. “She’s always wanted to taste, try, understand everything at every level all her life – I guess it feeds her creativity. “She has a true passion for life. And Ribena. And ice pops and chocolates!” Well, isn’t that just sweet. All we need to do is make sure Amy is kitted out with tooth-rotting sweet cordials and lollies and everything should be right as rain! More »

Your Mind-Boggling ‘Human Interest’ Story Of The Day

1:15PM Clem Bastow | As you will now be aware, we here at Defamer Australia from time to time like to draw your attention to the wonderful world of what we like to call “second page” news. They’re not the front page stories everyone flocks to read, but rather the offbeat filler that makes up the rest of the paper. Back in ‘the old days’ this stuff would occupy a small, pictureless paragraph at the bottom of a broadsheet page, but thanks to the wonders of the internets, anything’s game for a front page website pull piece – witness today’s winner, from News.com.au: The story itself is rather grisly and grim, but boy if those News.com.au clowns don’t know how to make an otherwise harrowing tale of rape and murder look like the long lost Carry On installment. Nice work, team – now see what you can do with that totally weird and wacky story about the Dad who drove his kids into the dam! More »

Lily Allen’s Start To Two-Thousand-And-Great Gets Even Better

1:07PM Clem Bastow | Remember how we said we were thinking of getting the tech dudes to install a button, so that we wouldn’t even have to type the words “Lily Allen is having a rough time at the moment”? Well, we’re one step closer to Making It Happen, as Poor Lily©’s year keeps getting shitter; now she’s been dumped as the new Agent Provocateur spokesmodel, just as soon as she’d tried on the fancy smalls! And, wouldn’t you know it, all that exercise she did for her “health”? It was really just so she could rock it with the other lingerie models. Allen, 22, is said to be “gutted” after putting herself through gruelling gym sessions to get in shape for the ads. Allen, who was to take over from Kate Moss, was snapped in a corset and stockings with a whip and was said to be “really proud of her new figure”, according to a friend. But she was ditched after Joe Corre, 40, and Serena Rees, 39, who own the business and are divorcing, failed to agree if she was the right girl for the job. According to a source, Ms Rees chose Lily but Mr Corre “wasn’t keen”. A company spokesman said no decision had been made and the photos may still be used. Previous Agent Provocateur models include Kylie Minogue, actress Maggie Gyllenhaal and burlesque artiste Dita Von Teese. Yes, yes, all very “not show friends, show business” and all that, but we love the line that the Mail served up immediately following the aforementioned passage: It’s been a tough few weeks for Allen. Bam! If you ever needed proof of the gossip business’ collective unconscious, there it is. We’re glad to see we’re not the only ones who are wishing for Lily Allen to catch a break, if only in a subeditorial capacity. More »

We Are Quite Certain That, In All Her Achievements, Julia Gillard Is Most Proud Of This One

10:27AM Clem Bastow | Oh, those wacky types over at the land of blokes’ mags, what will they think of next? In this case, the rib-ticklingly, gob-smackingly hilarious move of Ralph bringing our beloved ranga Deputy Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, in at equal 2nd place as “Sexiest Woman” in their annual awards evening, which we’re sure was as classy as the mag what birthed it. Clearly there are a few Labor voters in the Ralph office, with Julia Gillard named runner-up in the sexiest woman category in the lads mag’s annual awards last night. The deputy PM and singer Rihanna tied for silver behind Myer model Jennifer Hawkins in the category. It’s clearly a gag because, in the case of reader-voted countdowns, like FHM’s annual 100 Sexiest list, the joke votes (Sandra Sully, Pauline Hanson, Irene from Home & Away) will usually loiter around the non-prize-winning end of the poll – thus, this is clearly an ironic jab at Gillard, because there’s nothing male media outlets like to do more when it comes to female politicians than to have a go at their personal appearance. What a cack, eh lads? More »

Bob Bob Bitten By A Snake!

9:49AM Jess McGuire | We damn near had a heart attack when we read yesterday afternoon that little Bob Bob Irwin, the golden haired replica doll-less child we’re pinning all our conservation hopes on, had been bitten by a snake! The 4-year-old son of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin was not at all alarmed when he was recently bitten by a baby boa constrictor, according to his mother. “He picked one of them up and it bit him on the finger, and he was so proud to have copped his first hit,” Irwin’s widow, Terri, said today at an appearance at the FAO Schwarz toy store with her two children to promote a new line of toys. Obviously we shouldn’t have been too afraid for Bob Bob’s welfare. Let’s face it, once you’ve faced off with a crocodile whilst still being physically unable to hold your own head up and lived to tell the tale, something as trivial as a snake isn’t going to faze you one little bit, although the Pete Doherty-ish use of the words “copped his first hit” worries us slightly, as it paints a tragic picture of an older Bob Bob becoming an adrenalin junkie, taking unnecessary risks and performing death defying feats for the cameras. And we all know where that leads… We’re pleased Bob Bob was switched on enough to ask an all important question once he “copped his first hit”. “He said, ‘I hope it wasn’t venomous’, so I assured Robert I wouldn’t actually let him play with venomous snakes,” she said. At least he’s learned from the mistakes of the past and has no intentions of messing with venomous creatures for kicks. We’re also chuffed that mother Terri would never have him play with a poisonous snake, choosing instead to go for a more constricting beast. Terri Irwin said the couple’s 9-year-old daughter, Bindi, was first bitten by a snake when she was 18-months old. The girl, who is featured in the Discovery Kids Channel show Bindi the Jungle Girl, posed for cameras with a new action figure in her likeness. Typical. Anything Bob Bob can do, Bindi can do better. “Bitten at 4-years-old? Dude, please. By four years of age, I was cage fighting with Siberian tigers, eating live red back spiders for breakfast, and hot wiring vehicles in the Australia Zoo car park in order to joyride with delinquent chimpanzees. Crikey! Word to yo motha!” Don’t get too comfortable on that throne, missy, surrounded by your mindless lackeys and assorted dolls. Bob Bob will have his day, mark our overly dramatic and completely ridiculous words… More »

Obama Sews Up Endorsement From All-Important Hulkamaniac Contingent

9:09AM Mark Graham | Say your prayers, eat your vitamins and vote for Barack Obama! Or so sayeth Hulk Hogan, who suplexed and then leg-dropped an unsuspecting Clinton camp last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live by pledging his allegiance and his vote to Obama. And although our experience in the art of campaigning begins and ends with our run for Student Council back in high school (which, we might add, was successful … three times!), we’re pretty darn sure that the Obama ticket could really benefit by awarding the Hulkster a spot on to their roster. Perhaps this is finally the way that Obama can silence the critics who claim he lacks experience in foreign diplomacy! More »

Grant Denyer Resorts To Hair Spray In Order To Look Taller On Screen

9:05AM Jess McGuire | We were disappointed to learn recently that the host of It Takes Two, wee person Grant Denyer, has resorted to fluffing up his hair before the show in a sad and desperate bid to look slightly taller while standing next to leggy co-host Erika Heynatz. Not only that, but Grant’s drastic and hopeless war on inches has earned the ire of the most important folks out there, the Channel 7 audience. Word is there’s been a bit of a to-do over the ridiculously high hair-do Grant Denyer sported on the series launch of It Takes Two last week. Channel 7 was inundated by viewer complaints about Denyer’s bouffant – teased to give him extra inches when standing next to his towering co-host Erika Heynatz. No doubt teasing of a different nature will ensure Denyer’s mop will be styled more appropriately on tonight’s show. Channel 7 viewers actually ring and complain about the hair height of variety show hosts? You learn something new every day. But let’s be serious for a moment. If Grant Denyer is truly unhappy with the stature nature gave him, then perhaps we should take a moment to think of ways to help the poor man. Although folk like Andrew G and the Triple J Breakfast team (who have gone so far as to proudly declare themselves the tiniest radio posse on the FM band) appear to have embraced the fact they were put on this earth in a handy travel-sized package – and their entertainment careers have gone from strength to strength because of it – Grant’s attempt at a voluminous quiff is clearly a cry for help, and Defamer Australia will not let it go unheard! After a long hard think as to how to best style Grant Denyer’s follicles, the following image literally – LITERALLY – punched us straight on the nose and screamed “MAKE GRANT LOOK LIKE THIS”. As we type, we are bleeding all over our keyboard. If anyone has used towering hair to their showbiz advantage, it’s Don King. So Grant, print out the following picture we’ve mocked up and take it to the studio’s hair and make up team. You’ll be towering over certainly giving Erika Heynatz’s shoulders a run for their money in no time. GRANT DENYER – “THANK YOU, DEFAMER AUSTRALIA” Anytime, little one. Anytime. More »

Lara “And Her Family” Love Topless Shots, Are Ordering Pixiphoto Collection As We Speak, Sez Photographer

9:01AM Clem Bastow | Photographer Gavin O’Neill clearly hasn’t realised that the media like their women to be either dirty sluts or helpless angels, as he is surprised at the “poor Lara” spin that’s been put upon the reemergence of the nude photoshoot he and Bingle undertook some time ago. Yes, the conservative media outlets can’t imagine that a) a young model would choose to pose nude or topless for some otherwise sophisticated photos, b) that the photographer wouldn’t have been taking advantage of her in working with her, and c) that she wouldn’t be completely ashamed and resort to the usual “I was young and needed the money!” excuses if the photos were distributed after the fact. Here’s O’Neill’s take on it all: But while Bingle has been painted as the victim in a sleazy expose that just won’t disappear, O’Neill says the images are beautiful and tasteful – an opinion shared by the Cronulla model’s management at International Quarterback. Bingle and O’Neill have maintained a close professional relationship since the nude shoot, working together on several commercial projects. “Everybody has this perception that Lara is embarrassed by the pictures but she’s not ashamed at all – she loves these pictures,” O’Neill told the Daily Telegraph’s Confidential. “I spoke to her about it today and she really doesn’t understand why people would think ‘poor Lara’. She and her family have no issue with the images at all.” Personally, we’re with O’Neill and Lara’s management – in the scheme of “surfaced” nudie photos, these ones are lovely; Lara looks gorgeous and womanly (although, where has she been hiding those bazoongas??) and the whole thing is about as far from a shameful Zoo-style strip-down as you can get. Now, if the media could stop treating her like their sheltered 16-year-old virgin daughter who lives in a bubble within which it is perpetually 1956, that would be very nice, thanks! More »