When expressing insincere happiness...
THINK: Dr Karl Kennedy is leaning in to kiss you.

When expressing insincere sorrow...
THINK: Dr Karl Kennedy is disappointed in you.

When attempting to chat casually with contestants...
THINK: Someone is making small talk at Scarlet Bar.

When struggling to remember what part of the show comes next...
THINK: Dr Karl Kennedy has informed you he is feeling conflicted about his emotions toward Susan.

Other moments of Bassingthwaighte brilliance during tonight's So You Think You Can Dance show -

(after telling the judges to go backstage and decide who is leaving and mysteriously adopting a Sportsgirl shop assistant's voice) "I sooooooooo don't envy you guys, soooo... yeah..."

(getting distracted while attempting to seamlessly segue from the Veronicas' performance of 'Untouched' - this one goes out to you, Dean Geyer! - to the official announcement of who would be leaving the show) "Right now the judges are backstage... YEAH! THE VERONICAS!"

You could also, if you were so inclined, organise a SYTYCD drinking game, with participants downing a shot whenever there's an awkward silence after Natalie Bassingthwaighte has said something.

Don't get us wrong. We fucking love the Bass! The more her brow furrows with confusion and mild ineptitude, the more our cold hearts thaw a little. Hey, James Mathison has managed to pull off his particular brand of half-cut marblemouthed buffoonery on telly for years now and we have grown to adore him.

UPDATE Our Associate Editor just reminded us of the other delicious quote from The Bass which we forgot to write down at the time, but totally adored while we were in "the moment".

(with a ridiculously intense voice and accompanied by a Serious Facial Expression one might expect a doctor to deliver news like "You've got three months to live" with...) "Okay Courtney, you need to sit on the stool now."

SIT OR LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES, COURTNEY. SIT OR FEEL THE MIGHTY WRATH OF THE BASS!

We know it's the lowest variety of schadenfreude to clap our evil little hands whenever misfortune strikes Amy Winehouse's No Good™ husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, but he's just no good for her!

So, we had a guilty little tingle when we read this morning that Pentonville Prison's resident member of the living dead is in dire straights after getting himself into a spot of bother with some ersatz heroin.

Read on while we try to mask our utter dismay.

Guards are said to have found the 35-year-old writhing in pain and vomiting violently in a cell.

They instantly set off alarms and activated emergency procedures to save his life.

A probe was launched and prison officers found he had taken a drug believed to be heroin, mixed with a toxic substance.

A jail source said: "This was a close call, but he might not be so lucky next time.

"If he carries on taking so many drugs, he'll end up dead before long."

You know, despite what our opening paragraphs may have indicated, we're almost beginning to feel sorry for Blake.

He reminds us a bit of Steve Zahn's character in the otherwise forgettable Drew Barrymore vehicle, Driving In Cars With Boys: just a no-hope junkie with a heart of 2k gold. We're sure he loves Amy's money, but we're also fairly certain that now that Winegums is out of her own personal drug haze, she'll see there are probably better choices of husband out there.

Ho, ho, ho, those crazy old Rolling Stones, there's no keeping up with them these days! Just what will they think of next?

Well, it turns out, they're having a Pat Cash moment, and are advising younger musicians - or just younger people, period - not to indulge in drugs to the prodigious levels that they and their bandmembers did during their heyday (or, in Keef and possibly Charlie's cases, still do).

We'd like to believe that Keith Richards gave his quotes while sucking on a Camberwell carrot.

"When we were experimenting with drugs, little was known about the effects," Mick Jagger said at the premiere of a film showing the band in concert. "In our time, there were no rehab centres. Anyway, I didn't know about them."

Jagger, 64, experienced international notoriety when he was briefly jailed in 1967 for possessing drugs, but he is better known now for his devotion to fitness. He prepares for tours by running 12km a day, swimming and kick-boxing.

Keith Richards, the band's guitarist and a former heroin addict, warned that if Amy Winehouse, the 24-year-old singer famous for songs such as Rehab and Addicted, did not give up drugs she could end up looking as wrinkly and wasted as he did.

"She should get her act together," said Richards, also 64, whose reputation for drug-fuelled antics led many to believe his joke that he had snorted his father's ashes.

Jagger had previously expressed concern about Winehouse's descent into alcohol and drug addiction, saying: "I'm worried she might die if she goes down the road that she has taken."

Last year, Ronnie Wood, 60, another of the Stones, who once snorted so much cocaine that he damaged his nose, encouraged Kate Moss, the model, to break up with Pete Doherty, the drug-addicted singer.

Wood said Doherty "wasn't exactly very good for her, was he?".

Aww, they care! Bless their wrinkly little hearts.

Although, we think Keef at least may be onto something - we don't imagine many of these hot young druggy stars being particularly enamoured with the idea of turning into him once they pass 50, particularly the female ones. Perhaps they should start putting him on the fag packets?

Former President of South Africa and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela is known around the globe for his fight against apartheid, and now it would appear he's chosen another noble cause to throw his mighty weight behind - getting the Spice Girls back on stage one last time.

Just a day after Geri Halliwell announced that The Spice Girls reunion tour would be their last, it seems the pop outfit may yet be playing one more show – Nelson Mandela’s birthday concert.

Apparently a massive event is being planned in London’s Hyde Park shortly before Mandela’s birthday on July 18, and The Spice Girls are the number one target to perform.

Mandela famously met the pop group in 1997 and said it was the “happiest day of his life”, while the Spices called him their “hero.”

Sure, some may have thought the happiest day of Mandela's life would have been the day he was freed from jail, or perhaps becoming the first democratically elected South African President, but those kinds of people underestimate the power of witnessing five bickering thirty-something women dancing seductively to a backing track blaring out sultry pop hit of yesteryear "Too Much".

Interesting Mandela fact!

He enjoys a breakfast of plain porridge, with fresh fruit and fresh milk.

They've been rumoured to be dating since last year, all the while choosing to institute the 'just good friends' policy, but it's now become apparent that Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr and not-very-good-but-very-good-looking actor Orlando Bloom will have to resort to bald-faced lying if they are to continue denying their relationship.

After apparently spending time together in New York and even, if you believe the spies, Sydney, the leggy pair have been spotted out and about in London.

He's the heart-throb of thousands of women, but there's bad news, girls - actor Orlando Bloom seems stuck on supermodel Miranda Kerr.

The pair, who have been seeing each other on and off since last April, were spotted enjoying a late-night embrace after a romantic evening out in London last week.

Incredibly boring quotes, we know, but the proof is in the pudding, i.e. the photo.

In fact, if we may take a moment to play Who Weekly Body Language Expert, Orlando's employment of a loving Cro Magnon neck grip on Miranda, who is attempting to stick her nose into his eye-socket as a protective sign of affection, is all the evidence we need that Miranda is in fact pregnant and that Orlando used to be a woman from Haiti with commitment issues.

Or something like that; we haven't quite achieved our Certificate III in body language analysis.

Two news items in the Macca/Mucca corner this morning, most pressingly that it appears that after a protracted legal battle involving muckraking, on-air meltdowns and garish tabloid revelations, Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills may be close to settling their divorce, with McCartney agreeing to a particular payout if Mills in turn agrees to a strict gag when it comes to talking about the marriage.

According to the Daily Mail, via the SMH:

According to the paper, McCartney is to pay a £20 million lump sum to Mills and continue to make annual payments of £2.5 million until their four-year-old daughter Beatrice turns 18.

Mills was also entitled to four security guards for 24-hour protection.

In return for the settlement, Mills had agreed not to talk about her marriage to McCartney.

Given that McCartney more or less owns the universe (didn't he buy the rights to Happy Birthday once, or is that in the same basket as mud-sharks and stomachs full of semen?), we're sure he won't miss the money (or, for that matter, Mills).

However, in more entertaining news, Tim Steel - the fine, upstanding gent of the "massaging her stump gives her multiple orgasms" story - is clearly desperate to show his sensitive side after totally selling out his former relationship with Mills, and has defended his blurting - apparently, he needed the money to send his children to school.

Break out the violins!

"I could have sold this story so many times before but my circumstances changed. I am a father of two young boys and I took the money to pay for their education," he said.

Steel and his wife, Heather Mills look-alike Sue, have put their two young sons' names down for the prestigious Scots College in Sydney's Bellevue Hill.

"I had a long, long chat with my wife about it and we thought the chance was there to secure my boys' education. I wasn't just some greedy love rat."

...

"I was trying to put the positive side of Heather, that she is not a gold digger. She is a massive campaigner for her charities and that's where all her money goes."

Yes, the positive side of her being a sex maniac with an apparently clitorally-enhanced stump who likes having sex on desks.

Top work, Steel, you'll get your reward in heaven!

Geez but that Wayne Carey is a top bloke! He's a regular champeen!

The Disgraced™ former North Melbourne star was revealed to have allegedly assaulted girlfriend Kate Neilson while staying in Miami last year; the allegations coming not long after Carey was also involved in an alleged biffo with police - and a can of capsicum spray - at his Port Melbourne penthouse.

In any case, he seems more concerned with soaking up the rays in Thailand than hitting the sunny streets, sorry, courts of Miami.

Fallen AFL star Wayne Carey has been spotted holidaying in Thailand just a day after hefailed to appear in a US court on assault charges.

Carey, 36, was seen at a coffee shop with a female companion at the tourist resort of Koh Samui on Saturday afternoon, ABC Radio reported.

Witnesses said he appeared "shocked" he was recognised and quickly left the cafe with the unknown woman.

Carey pleaded not guilty to two counts of battery against police and one charge of resisting arrest with violence in Miami after an incident last October involving his girlfriend Kate Neilson.

It is alleged Carey smashed a glass in Ms Neilson's face while they were staying at Miami's five-star Mandarin Hotel, allegedly causing injuries to her mouth and neck.

We left that last bit in just to remind you what this top bloke has become. When will footy players (et al) realise that being champions and well-regarded sportsmen doesn't actually mean you have a license to treat people, in particular women, like shit?

Oh, right, when hell freezes over. Gotcha.

Fooootyyyy!

Our favourite time waster Scrabulous is the topic of today's clip. We're not entirely sure we'll ever be able to aim for a triple word score/bingo combination during work hours without quietly humming the very catchy chorus "Scrab-u-lass, Scrab-u-lass!"

Thanks, Matthew!