[Mood: Unsettling mix of trouser-soiling fear and misguided hope. Song: "The One Where Everyone On 'Six Feet Under' Dies" by Sia]

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Just when you thought that it was finally safe not to watch American Idol anymore, another (curiously well-timed) Idol scandal is beginning to break, one that will surely pique everyone's interest in the show once again. Seems that one of Idol's final 24 contestents, Carly Smithson, is a professional singer who recorded an album that was released by a major label back in 2001. With that being the case, you must be curious as to why you've never heard of her. Well, that's because her debut album was recorded under her maiden name (Carly Hennessy) and was a colossal flop! Still, she was a professional, people, which means we have an Official Scandal on our hands. However, if Fox's latest attempt to goose ratings fails to catch on, we're fairly confident that it's only a matter of days before the network begins leaking photos of a wet t-shirt clad Simon Cowell frolicking about in a water fountain to an adoring public. That'll get 'em. [Reuters]

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· In this clip from the increasingly depressing Celebrity Rehab, we learn that Brigitte Nielsen's husband doesn't exactly have a firm grasp on the English language. Either that or heavy bouts of boozing really give Brigitte a wicked case of the munchies.
· Never got around to seeing Cloverfield: The Movie but still want to see what the monster looks like? Then take a gander at the toy that's going to retail for $99.99! Why so pricy? Batteries ARE included. [Slashfilm]
· Anne Hathaway's armpits are positively resplendent (if you're into that sort of thing). [Goldenfiddle]
· Lily Allen has gone goth. Didn't see that one coming. [Daily Mail]
· How can this be? CBS decided to renew NUMB3RS but left How I Met Your Mother precariously perched on the bubble. Inconceivable! [TV Decoder]

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With over 100 fansites, an author who's hot in an Anne Hatha-way and millions of books already sold, it's no doubt the upcoming Twilight movie franchise will be huge. But how huge? And why? And, more importantly, is Kristen Stewart hotter than Emma Watson? We'll leave that final point up to you (though we've already decided Twilight leading boy Robert Pattinson pales in comparison to Daniel Radcliffe and his treasure trail), but we've done some reading up on this vampire love story and we think that JK Rowling best watch her back. This kiddie tale has bite.

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With news that 138 acres of land just west of the H in the Hollywood sign have been put up for sale yesterday by Chicago investors, the last impediment to Mt. Mogulmore--Les Moonves's masterplan of constructing an enduring companion monument to the nine-letter icon--is but a mere $22 million check away.

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Well, we certainly weren't expecting this on our last day, but we'll share the nice, unsigned note we just got from the address deathstarvader@hotmail.com: "Hey, buddy, best o' luck! Some of us just met up in the fourth floor kitchenette to nuke one up in your honor! They get a little tough when you prepare them this way, but whatever! LOL!" [Image via WoW Report]

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There once was a land -- a magical land -- where a squarejawed titan named John Tesh and a leggy vixen named Mary Hart reigned supreme. Together, they blazed a pioneering trail in which the worlds of journalism and entertainment converged into 30 minutes of televised bliss each and every weeknight. But much like other creations that were born of the purest intentions (think: The Coreys, Britney Spears and Napster), copycat competitors soon entered the fray and everything quickly turned to shit.

Today, the state of celebrity infotainment is at a crossroads, a crossroads at which the likes of Harvey Levin, Billy Bush and Mark McGrath are honored as the Father, Son and Unholy Ghost of the genre. As new celeb-centric shows spring up with greater regularity than lesions on Paris Hilton's nether regions, we here at Defamer are proud to present a new weekly video feature that we are calling Dirt Sandwich. Culled together by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, each episode will place an unforgiving spotlight on the week's lowest and highest moments (which, as you'll soon discover, are often one and the same). Enjoy!

• WATCH VIDEO

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This will be funny to five people, tops, but since I've abandoned any pretense of getting actual work done, here goes. Hey: Pandercorns! [click image to enlarge]

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Leave it to Page Six to out the the players named in yesterday's showdown at Showtime. After revealing who the accused, the accuser, and the birthday boy caught in the middle of the "email [that] is the talk of Hollywood" are, the Sixers even managed to take a stab at their rival, The NY Daily News. Apparently Mr. Untouchable, cast as the villain in the anonymous email, used to work for the Daily News! P6: Perfecting subtlety since 1977. [NY Post]

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Upon hearing The National Enquirer's report that Jenny Craig fired Kirstie Alley because she is just too darn fat, we stopped picturing Jenny as a cute Southern mommy type who just wants us to be healthy and began suspecting she's more like that undermining ex-boyfriend of ours who just wanted us to be Angelina Jolie. Adding extra salt on the wound, Jenny Craig has reportedly replaced her with Queen Latifah, who's pledged to lose 25 pounds as soon as that pesky Pizza Hut contract expires. But the reasons behind the corporate ax may have had less to do with Kirstie's inability to shed pounds, and more to do with a little religion Tom Cruise likes to call Scientology.

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What do you say about Mark Lisanti that doesn't instantly start sounding like pathetic gushing? Is he one of the funniest, most brilliant writers ever to put fingers to keyboard? Of that there is no doubt. Has he left a mark? Try a Godzilla-sized footprint. Working with him over the last three years has been nothing less than the creative experience of a lifetime. The best part is that beneath that mountain of talent, Mark is one of the most humble, humane, and menschy guys you will ever meet. Also: His career has only just begun.

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Calling all loyal Defamer commenters! We'd like to introduce you to a new feature that's sure to make your commenting experience all the more enjoyable. Let me explain. If you include a Youtube link in a comment that you post, said clip will automatically be included with your text. Voila, just like that (snaps fingers). No need to place in the embed code, the URL will do the trick. The feature is still in beta, so your feedback is appreciated. In the comments, obvs. Remember, knowing is half the battle...

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As we read over the list of Oscar presenters released this morning, one sparkly name took all our attention away from the otherwise predictable lot -- Miss Miley Cyrus. Just last week, producers of the Grammy Awards dissed the Tween Queen by not asking the biggest star in the recording industry to either perform or present during their flatlining ceremony. However, now Miley is riding high after being scooped up by the typically snobby Oscars. So what gives? Looks to us like quirky duck Gil Cates has his eye squarely trained on the Nielsen numbers.

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With the fumigation circus tent removed from the Big Brother house on the Radford lot, every stubborn germ, virus, and parasite from the last batch of contestants effectively snuffed, we're now ready for another round of the hit CBS reality series. And while there was certainly nothing broke with the show's last incarnation--who doesn't love watching 16 off-duty bartenders stand around a kitchen island sharing Jew-spotting tips?--they've tweaked Season 9 considerably. Big Brother: 'Til Death Do You Part pits eight teams of two against one another: all couples. And by that we mean, sex-having couples.

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NBC perfect storm/D-girl disdainer/nerd-hating prom king Ben Silverman has long been filthy rich in the kind of programming savvy that's resulted in translated foreign hits like The Office and Ugly Betty and resurrected, nostalgic sensations like Knight Rider and American Gladiators, but following the just-announced sale of his Reveille Productions to a British firm for $125 million, his net worth will finally approach the value of the intimidating treasure-pile of his primetime creativity.

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Sure, Bai Ling's arrest at LAX on Wednesday was sad in a Hedy Lamarr kind of way, but you know what's sadder? Suffering through her explanatory blog post the next day. Apparently camped out in Albequerque, we'd like to issue a warrant for another arrest based on the Celebrities Writing Bad Poetry statute. Witness: "my emotions are running through me like a wild river, tears come from the lake of my heart hurt my eyes." Oh, but there's more!

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Take this with a grain of salt, but AICN is reporting that Imaginarium Of Dr. Parnassus director Terry Gilliam has cast Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law to film the remaining scenes that Heath Ledger was to have played. If word from Harry Knowles' camp ends up being true, it'll be quite a score for both the project and the notorious bad-luck magnet Gilliam. While it remains to be seen how Heath Ledger's scenes will be integrated into the final product, we can all agree that this casting news is a definite improvement over Christopher Plummer's vision of using "stills and something I think they call CGI" to save the flick. [AICN]

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Former 'NSYNC member Lance Bass popped by Jimmy Kimmel Live! to promote his memoir Out of Sync (opening sentence: "I've known I was different ever since I was five years old. For one thing, I had what I guess you could call innocent crushes on boys."). He relayed, for an extremely gay-curious Kimmel, the story of how he came out to Britney Spears back in 2004:

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[SFX: a PHONE RINGING at Defamer HQ]

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Perhaps as some sort of karmic payback for forcing thousands of Americans to endure Ellen Degeneres' terrible dance moves each and every weekday, it seems that The Ellen Degeneres Show is attempting to make things right by playing a part in getting Paris Hilton busted for overzealously breeding dogs. After Paris admitted to Ellen last week that she owns 17 dogs and likes to sleep with "all of them," the Los Angeles Department of Animal Services paid a visit to the Hilton home to investigate. While it's too early to learn this offense will land Paris back in the slammer (or, for that matter, the pound), we can't help but be reminded how similar this storyline is to a Season Two episode of The Sarah Silverman Program.

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Who could forget that disconsolate look on Carson Daly's face when we caught up with him at CES in Las Vegas, lamenting the absence of the beloved staff of gag writers that make each and every episode of Total Late Night Live a journey worth taking (if you can't afford cable, and CBS comes in really fuzzy regardless of where you point your bunny ears). But news of the strike's resolution isn't likely to do much to raise the spirits of the crestfallen talk show host, as the network has celebrated their return with a hearty round of axings. Deadline Hollywood Daily reports:

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