Here at Defamer Australia, we know that you - our lovely readers - are a discerning bunch, but that you also sometimes just want to hear about celebrity relationship gossip. Well, we are pleased to be able to bring you both with this tale of proper actress Tilda Swinton (you may remember her as Orlando, or perhaps as the Angel Gabriel in Constantine, memorably telling Keanu Reeves "You're f--ked") and her wild and wacky love life!

In "Celebs! They're not much like us at all, really" news, the UK press are fascinated by the cult actress' decision to have both a long-term partner (who is the father of her children) and a lover, and the fact that all three are apparently perfectly happy with this set-up. Read on!

This week, a handsome German-born artist named Sandro Kopp - 29 to her 47 - was playing the role of consort.

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But the question of who is playing a supporting role to Ms Swinton is not exactly clear cut. For at home - a spectacular pile on the banks of the Moray Firth - is Swinton's long-term love John Byrne.

And yesterday he revealed that he is very much a part of Swinton's life still.

Indeed, he made it clear that he and Swinton still love each other, and that they continue to raise their ten-year-old twins Xavier and Honor together at their whitewashed home, which is in a secluded spot at the end of a tree-lined road.

This is extraordinary enough.

But there's more.

Is there, The Daily Mail? And is this "more" also "extraordinary"? You mean some people have unconventional love lives and are, gasp, actually happy? We don't believe it - we simply don't believe it! Pray tell, what of the rest of the family?

The twins, it emerges, were with Swinton and her lover at the Bafta's ceremony, and returned to the family home as a group - including Kopp - on Tuesday afternoon.

They were greeted at the door by Byrne, who helped them with their cases.

The unconventional menage then retired inside.

Kopp, it seems, is staying over in Scotland for a few days, with the full blessing of Byrne, an eccentrically bewhiskered figure who, aged 67, could almost be cast in the role of grandfather.

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The locals are kept busy trying to work out what on earth is going on behind the closed doors of the Swinton-Byrne residence.

The truth, according to associates of Swinton, is that she is very deeply in love - with both men.

And far from being a passing phase she is said to hope that it continues indefinitely. "All I can tell you," said a London associate of the actress, "is that Tilda is delightfully, extremely happy."

We bet she is! The article goes on to provide some lovely quotes from all involved, as well as Swinton's mother and a few locals, who seem bemused if impressed by the extended clan's modus operandi.

We love it! Tilda Swinton is now officially Defamer Australia's new Sting and Trudie "We Actually Quite Like Checking Out Sex Clubs And Sucking Each Other's Toes" Styler, and we for one welcome our new polyamorous overlords!

While Winegums appears to be going tentatively from strength to strength at the moment, what with her recent Grammy sweep and continued attention to her health and wellbeing (new tooth? Check! Rehab? Yes, yes, yes!), No Good™ husband Blake Fielder-Civil is still in the clink.

To celebrate ease her pain at his absence, Amy has been seen being squired around by someone the papers are calling "Blake II" - American photographer Blake Wood - and, gee, we can't work out if the Daily Mail think he's a better bet than "Blake I" or not. You see for yourselves:

The superstar chanteuse does not seem to have to look very far to find herself a new man sporting the same name as her unfortunate husband.

And if anything, Blake Wood - or Blake II - could be seen as something of an upgrade.

This one is reportedly a clean-living, teetotal, drug-free American vegetarian. Most shocking of all, he apparently has a job.

We suggest, like Diane Wiest in Parenthood and "that Todd", that the UK press - hell, everyone! - just starts referring to Blake Fielder-Civil as "that Blake".

That oughtta sort him out good and proper!

Bless them to bits. Wee pop midget Anthony Callea and his Shout star buddy Tim Campbell spent much of the past few months denying they were anything more than two gay men who loved nothing better than hanging out in a platonic way, but dammit - they've thrown their friendship and caution to the wind and are now officially Australia's Favourite Homosexual Couple In Showbiz! Well, they're probably our only homosexual couple in showbiz (we're not counting Gav and Waz from The Block), so we'll take what we can get.

Ex-Home and Away actor Campbell made it official to Vega's breakfast team yesterday, under tough questioning from ex-Big Brother housemate Chrissie Swan.

"There was stuff written in the paper a while ago . . . and actually Anthony and I are a bit of an item at the moment," Campbell said.

"The question was asked a while ago and we weren't, but we have gotten to a point where we are very happy together."

Our icy heart just melted a little. You go, girlfriend!

Defamer Australia was fortunate to attend the massed gathering at Melbourne's Federation Square this morning, where around 8000 people watched Prime Minister Kevin Rudd deliver a moving, intelligent, compassionate and, yes, long overdue apology to the members of the Stolen Generation and for the damage and hurt that it caused Australia's Indigenous people.

Unfortunately for just about everyone there, we also watched opposition leader Brendan Nelson deliver his "apology", which was about as sincere as Jonah saying "Sorry, ranga!" and went a little something like this (and we're paraphrasing, so no quoting us in your school projects): "My mum said I had to apologise to you, but you lot should take a long, hard look at yourselves and get your hand off the bottle and the petrol can, after all, our grandfathers died in the war for you, or something, and no one wants to be born in a remote Indigenous community, anyway, so we did the right thing - it's not our fault you're having a cry about it now."

As one increasingly incensed young professional type next to us shouted, "You're demeaning the whole f--king country with your words."

And while we were moved to tears by Kevin's speech and by the faces of the members of the Stolen Generation who attended Parliament as distinguished guests, we were equally moved - in a slightly different way - when Melbourne decided en masse to tell Brendan what we thought of his speech. This was the view from where we were standing:

Yes, Melbourne turned their backs on Nelson (not before one memorable skater dude in front of us stood for a good two minutes with double flipped birds aimed at the screen), a fact that was duly noted by the ABC's Tony Jones the moment he returned to the telecast following the adjournment.

The Age has footage of the moment here, and we were proud of both parts of Melbourne's reaction to this wonderful day - proud to be a part of saying "sorry", and proud to tell Brendan Nelson he is, in fact, a dickhead.

We were most pleased to get a link in our inbox (not a metaphor, but perhaps a nice wish for Valentine's Day tomorrow all the same) to the new video clip for Sime Nugent's lovely track "Be There Soon".

The video is described by the creators as follows -

"Made entirely from one family's 1956 home movies, Sime's new video provides a rare view into Australia's past - with plenty of reverberation with today's Australia."

It is, in short, marvellous. Watch it for yourself after the jump.

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We have been quite amused by The Papers and their glee over Tony Abbott's Corey-esque weekend adventures, when the former Government minister (it feels SO GOOD to type former, you know) had to deal with a horde of teenagers turning up to gatecrash his daughter's 15th birthday party. We dare say it's the first time a shindig at Tony Abbott's place has been a weekend must do.

Police were twice called to the Sydney Northern Beaches home of former federal health minister Tony Abbott last weekend when throngs of gatecrashers descended on his teenage daughter's birthday party.

Neighbours of the Abbotts yesterday said the sheer number of teenagers in the street was blocking access.

"They were all over the road. I was trying to drive down the street and I was frightened I would hit one of them," one woman said.

Others woke to find bottles and beer cans strewn across their lawns.

A resident across the road told of how distressed the Abbotts were when they saw at least 50 uninvited teenagers congregating outside their Forestville home.

Much like in the case of MySpazz party kid Corey, it appears the exact number of naughty would-be attendees at the soiree is a mystery - we've read 50, we've read 200 - but on the upside, Tony and the coppers handled things beautifully and there were no arrests.

At least two other parties were being held in nearby streets and it is understood the rogue guests wandered down under the misguided belief that Mr Abbott was holding an open house.

Mr Abbott confirmed "there were a few kids in the street who tried to gain admission to our daughter's party, but we didn't let them in".

"After a while the police suggested they move on and I must say the police did a terrific job," he said.

We particularly enjoyed the description of the gatecrashers as "rogue guests" and plan to add the term to our vernacular immediately.

The idea that a former member of John Howard's government would have an open door policy when it comes to folk looking for a better place to go is indeed "misguided".

Incidentally, last night we hosted our pub trivia evening and included a question about Tony Abbott's Corey-moment. A friend who had been overseas for a couple of weeks asked "Who's Corey?" and we were flabbergasted. Was there really a time when Corey was just a name, and not another way of saying "Massive party, dudes!"?

· We're posting the above video, titled "Jeff Foxworthy is a Perv," only because it seems incredibly unfair. Anyone would seem pervy when subjected to the slow-motion loops of lip-licking and chest-bouncing depicted in the clip. The moan-y sound effects don't help matters, either.
· Spamalot shows Britney Spears some lyrical mercy.
· For one night only, Siegfried and Roy are back! And with animals! What could possibly go wrong?
· OMG! Tiny bodybuilder!

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We have, like many other Australians, been watching the current series of The Biggest Loser. While we are always partial to seeing people with body issues and low self-esteem become totally buffed, the real reason behind our obsessive viewing of the program has more to do with our intense love of Jillian Michaels.

We even started the Facebook group "I would be a better person if Jillian from The Biggest Loser was my friend" which you should feel free to join. Here's the description, which should help explain our need to worship her.

Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser is a fucking genius. Everything she touches turns to televisual gold. She takes giant unhappy people and turns them into slim, somewhat less unhappy people.

Remember when Shane from The Biggest Loser was all sad and shit and unable to do his push ups, and she was right in his face going "Why do you hate yourself soooooo much? You just think you're fat and useless, don't you? DON'T YOU? You don't feel like you DESERVE to be loved because you're too FAT" until he cried like a baby AND THEN GOT REALLY BUFF AND HAPPY AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HER?!

If she was in my life, she would totally sort my shit out. Sure, I might weep a lot at first. Maybe the constant jogging and calorie counting would get on my nerves. Maybe I would have a couple of nightmares where her steely eyes burn into my skin as she spots me hacking away at a tub of Homer Hudson icecream with a tablespoon in the middle of the night. Whatever.

Jillian would make me bawl my eyes out, and then look totally hot. That's all I want from a friend, really.

OTHER PEOPLE FROM TELLY WHO WOULD BE GOOD ADDITIONS TO MY LIFE: Jo Frost aka Supernanny (I could do with being put in the naughty corner from time to time), the whip crackin' Victoria Stilwell from It's Me Or The Dog (her stern take-no-prisoners approach to dog parenthood would be beneficial to both me and my pup. Also, I find it mildly amusing that Victoria doesn't actually OWN a dog, according to her Wikipedia page)

We love collecting brilliant Jillian quotes (from Sunday's episode, hollered at a contestant who was struggling with weights - "I didn't fly you all the way over here to have you bitch about your arms so GOOOOOOOOOO!") but unfortunately we sporadically have a life and cannot watch every episode. If you hear Jillian say something astounding and inspirational and terrifyingly aggressive to a contestant, please email us and let us know so we can use it for Jillian Michaels' Inspirational And Somewhat Frightening Quote Of The Week.

We're always looking for advice on how to be healthier from glowing Australian celebrities, so we were most chuffed to read an interview with Jason Donovan where the former Neighbours heartthrob reveals the benefits of a good soak in Dead Sea salts for psoriasis, and that a bout of chicken pox as an adult didn't manage to affect his virility one little bit.

Worst pain/illness you have ever experienced?

Chicken pox, about four years ago, which I got from the children. It was horrible. I had spots everywhere, like an all-over cold sore.

It can be very dangerous when you're older and affect your virility, although it hasn't done mine any harm. It takes a lot to keep me bedridden, but this did; it went on for a month.

Check out all of Jason's health tips here.

Is it possible to feel bad for a Hilton? Prior to this afternoon, the answer to that question would've been a resounding no. However, the way that Rick and Kathy Hilton are hanging poor little Barron out to dry is making us reconsider. In case you haven't heard, the Hilton parents are refusing to bail him out of jail under the auspices of Tough Love. This strikes us as being rankly hypocritical in the face of the support that they gave to their convicted felon of a daughter last summer. While we still firmly believe that Barron is a jackanapes and not really deserving of public sympathy, it's an abomination that Kathy Hilton is sitting at home painting her nails while her son sits behind bars. UPDATE (5:53pm): Barron just got sprung from the pokey by his friends, who managed to find a bail bondsman and drum up the $2,000 necessary to free him. [Pagesix.com]

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Supremely confident that tonight's WGA vote will end the writers strike and finally free him of the three-month-long recurring nightmare in which he's forced to personally read the names of this year's Oscar winners to an empty Kodak Theatre while wearing nothing but a tattered tuxedo t-shirt, ecstatic producer Gil Cates triumphantly declared at today's production meeting that the Academy will put on its "A" show , officially scrapping plans for the clip-heavy, star-deficient backup ceremony everyone feared might take place.

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It seems like only a month ago Sophie Monk's reps were insisting she and Benji Madden's relationship was just fine and dandy (actually, it was) but that is not the case now, with the couple officially announcing yesterday they are splitsville.

Revealed exclusively to Confidential by Monk's Sydney agent Yoon Kim, the announcement ends months of speculation about the gradual deterioration of the high-profile couple's 18-month relationship.

"Sophie and Benji have officially split. The decision was mutual and they remain amicable," Kim's statement read. "This will be my only statement regarding this matter."

After meeting on the set of a Good Charlotte videoclip in mid- 2006, the starlet and the tattooed rocker embarked on a whirlwind romance which peaked with a marriage proposal six months later at Monk's Gold Coast home.

Whether her parting of ways with the more internationally famous Madden will affect Monk's rapidly skyrocketing career in Hollywood where she has dazzled in assorted blonde hottie roles (a quick glance at her IMDB profile reveals she's currently filming Spring Break '83, while another enticingly titled film - Spring Breakdown - is in post-production) remains to be seen.

Ah well, Sophie. There's always Brandon Davis.

It is an incredibly rare morning when we set an alarm to ensure we don't sleep through a parliamentary speech.

Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history. We reflect on their past mistreatment. We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were stolen generations - this blemished chapter in our nation's history.

The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia's history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.

We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians. We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of these stolen generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry. To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.

And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry. We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.

For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written. We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians. A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again. A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.

A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed. A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility. A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country, Australia.

It's also not often we find ourselves bawling our eyes out before 10am, unless that Hallmark ad where the old lady is always checking the mail but no mail ever comes and her neighbours see her and send her a card and she gets the card and she's so happy she brings the neighbours jam and they all hug has come on the telly. We cry then, too.

In all seriousness though, what a wonderful day.

x

You didn't think Everybody's Suing Everybody Day was over yet, did you? It's time to ratchet things up a notch, and pit giant studio against giant studio! Fox has filed suit against Warner Bros. over Alan Moore's graphic novel The Watchmen. Warner already has their version of the superhero story in the pipeline for 2009, directed by 300's Zack Snyder with a cast that reunites Little Children's Jackie Earle Haley and Patrick Wilson. Fox, meanwhile, claims they bought exclusive rights to the property in the late '80s, and that producer Lawrence Gordon never paid the full buy-out price that would have allowed him to shop it around. They want nothing less than the production to be shelved, with not even Zach's personal pledge that he won't "gay it up like my last graphic novel adaptation" enough to sway their made-up minds. [THR]

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Katherine Heigl is not a doctor, but she plays one on TV. Scratch that, we just learned that she plays one in real-life, too! The Emasculation of Joshua Tour never fails to disappoint, as evidenced by Joshua's admission to People that it was none other than Katherine who diagnosed him with Attention Deficit Disorder, thereby saving him from a life of scribbling doodles for spare change:

"'When we first met, I could tell that my A.D.D. would definitely frustrate her a little bit...It's like, I would be drawing on paper tablecloths when I should have been engaging in conversation - little things like that. No one ever told me that before. Nobody ever cared. But she does. And I like that."

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We are sad to report that YouTube appears to be having a fit on our computer at the moment, and we can't understand why. So we're been unable to watch your "clip tips" (does that sound dirty or what?!) and confirm they are amazing/quietly wonder what on earth you were thinking when you recommended it to us.

However, reader Hirsty sent us a previous YouTube Clip Of The Day which pleased us (it was the Internet Party one) so we're putting our faith in him and hitting "publish" even though we don't quite know what it is.

UPDATE: With astounding timing, YouTube is once again delivering the goods. Hirsty, we salute you. We love tiny people, we love drag, we love foreigners - and now, at last, it seems we can have it all!

Steven Spielberg has long been attached to the 2008 summer games in Beijing, his wizardry over childlike wonder™ secured by organizers for their opening ceremonies. The decision greatly angered Mia Farrow, who blamed the Sudanese-backing Chinese government of helping to fund the Darfur genocide; in a now-famous WSJ op-ed from last March, she likened the Schindler's List director to Nazi propagandist Leni Riefenstahl for agreeing to work with a regime with so much blood on its hands. Minutes ago, news broke that Spielberg would be pulling out of the Olympics, citing Darfur as the reason. His statement follows after the jump:

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We received numerous emails from tipsters yesterday declaring their complete panic at news notorious Hollywood party girl Tara Reid is planning a move to Australia!

Reports SameSame -

Reid has been offered a recording contract with SonyBMG and is set to move into the Rex Apartment Building in Sydney’s Potts Point in March, according to PR man Mark Patrick in the Sunday Telegraph yesterday.

In January 2007, Reid was brought to Australia by ad exec John Singleton and retailer Gerry Harvey. “I love Australia. The people are amazing and I love Australians, they’re a lot of fun and just really good people,” said Reid at the time. It was Singleton who introduced Reid to SongBMG head Denis Handlin, so we’re laying the blame directly on him.

There's so much we can't comprehend about the above. John Singleton, a man who allegedly knows what's hot and what's not, thinks Tara Reid is the shizz? Tara Reid sings? Tara Reid is being signed by SonyBMG? They're unable to record whatever musical monstrosities she comes up with overseas? TARA REID IS MOVING TO AUSTRALIA?

Wait, what are we saying? This is great news for Defamer Australia, Sydney-based paparazzi, and amorous Bourbon and Beefsteak attending rugby league players. Welcome to Oz, Tara!

Leave it to the ladies of The View to somehow connect the dots between Amy Winehouse, anti-Semitic poets, and something Joy has termed "Restless Arm Syndrome." Following Amy's big night at the Grammys, a spirited debate broke out regarding the age old conundrum of whether or not artists should be publicly lauded if they also happen to be drug addicts. While we are thankful that those questions never get raised about bloggers, Hot Topics such as these are tailor made to bring out the best -- and by best, we mean worst -- in this Hasselbeck-less stable of bittys.

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PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often--the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time Andy Dick asked if he could Adrian the Grenier out of you.

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To help celebrate the premiere of the The Real World's upcoming Hollywood-set season where the series can abandon the already-flimsy pretense its houseguests are there for any reason other than attracting the attention of personal-appearance agents who find mall-opening star-quality in their ability to fight with and/or fuck their castmates, MTV is throwing The Real World Awards Bash: Roast 'Em and Toast 'Em on March 29. It's an awards show! And a roast! And a...toast! Polling is now open on MTV.com, where viewers can vote for their favorite melodramatic phonecall that messily ended a long-distance relationship, drunken altercation with law-enforcement officials annoyed by the presence of a camera crew, and hot-tub orgy that threatened the reproductive health of all involved. (We're really pulling for the Vegas season's Steven, Trishelle and Brynn three-way for that last category.)

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We now return to the Everybody's Suing Everybody Day festivities with the ongoing feud between Kathleen Turner and Nic Cage, the former having accused the latter in her upcoming autobiography of having several DUI and dog-snatching marks on his personal record. An irate Cage quickly issued a denial, out of concern that Turner's tales might render his many impressionable young fans incapable of separating truth from fiction: The last thing the world needs is a spate of renegade Chihuahuanappings, or, heaven's forfend, a troubling new trend in which confused teens light their heads on fire before embarking on stolen-motorcycle joyrides. Perhaps to fully hammer his message home, Cage has now filed a "defamaton, libel and slander" suit against his Peggy Sue Got Married co-star in British court:

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· In what could be a dream match of creative team and quirky literary material, Joel and Ethan Coen will adapt Michael Chabon's The Yiddish Policemen's Union for Columbia, a "noir-style murder mystery in which a rogue cop investigates the killing of a heroin-addicted chess prodigy who might be the messiah" set in a Jewish settlement in Alaska. (Are we allowed to get pre-excited about this one?) [Variety]
· Though Ugly Betty was among the nine series ABC picked up for next season on Monday, the network ruined executive producers Marco Pennette and James Hayman's back-to-work party by dropping them from the show. [THR]

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We hope it's not too soon to pronounce the once-flatlining Oscars fully recovered, tipped upright by an attending nurse, who then removed the IV needle that maintained his celebrity-malnourished frame from his golden arm. All this is wonderful news, especially in light of what was quickly turning out to be the most depressingly atrophied trophy season in Hollywood history--where something as trivial as a bored-to-drunken-action Sean Young being escorted out of the Hyatt Regency became the year's most discussed awards show moment. Young, of course, has since exiled herself to a hecklers wellness facility, but her spirit lives on, particularly in this LAT feature:

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Following up his memorable turn in the Super Bowl's multimillion dollar crossover ad "Jackie Moon Enjoys A Frosty, Colon-Clearing Bud Light," Will Ferrell has taken the campaign for Semi-Pro to the pages of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue, confident that he can raise awareness of his latest arrogant-dumb-guy sports comedy by fondling a scantily clad Heidi Klum while wearing a variety of amusing 70s-era costumes.

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We can barely keep up with the Barron Hilton DUI news! TMZ reports he had a blood alcohol level of .14, and that his father released this statement: "I haven't been contacted yet by either my son or the police. If what I have heard is true, it is very disturbing and I will have a lot to say- but it will be to my son not the media." The wealthy private school world, meanwhile, is abuzz, with Eastland Academy student Tootie Ramsey noting, "There's gonna be troubllllllle..." to which classmate Natalie Green added, "Make that doublllllle!" Developing... [TMZ, TMZ]

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Everybody's Suing Everybody Day continues! Accusing New Line of employing the kind of "Hollywood accounting" practices that could secret billions of dollars of Lord of the Rings revenues in suspicious budget lines like "Hair/Make-up Hobbitscaping Services," "Elijah Wood Eye-Desparkling Effects," and "Hide all profits here! Sssssh!," representatives from J.R.R. Tolkein's charitable trust and the author's heirs have filed suit against the studio, looking to be paid their claimed $150 million share of the LOTR bounty: "I think that it's going to be extremely interesting to see how New Line is going to explain to a jury that these films grossed $6 billion and yet by their calculations the creators' heirs are not going to get even a single penny." Given that New Line was rumored to have paid previous profit-seeker Peter Jackson a $40 million settlement to keep their two The Hobbit films on track, Tolkien's heirs can probably convince the company to comb through their allegedly cooked books to shake loose eight-figures' worth of make-nice money before things devolve into ugliness. [NY Times]

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18-year-old Barron Hilton has yet to really capture the world's imagination the way his older sisters Paris and Nicky have, his wealthy parents perhaps waiting until he turns 21 before gifting him with his very own orange-faced pet flack to encourage such profile-building. And while some suspected the Hilton family's dominant Shameless Famewhoring Gene may have skipped him entirely, the young heir may just have that Hilton magic after all, having been picked up this morning in Malibu for a DUI:

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What is it about dirty, malnutritioned, skinny-jeans-wearing rockers that turns good girls bad? The latest victim to fall prey to this time-honored tradition is none other than Miss Hermione Granger herself, Emma Watson. She was spotted leaving a party in London with Razorlight's Johnny Borrell, best known Stateside for his sordid, screaming-match-filled relationship with recent rehab enrollee Kirsten Dunst. But considering what happened to Kiki once she hooked up Borrell, we are cringing at the very thought of Emma Watson trading in her summa cum laude Hogwarts education for an unpaid and involuntary internship at the Cirque Lodge. So how do we solve a problem like Emma?

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Today's LAT picks the strike-weary brains of four TV showrunners who are returning to work after three weeks of agonizing about the fates of their series, storylines they were forced to abandon, and early-draft scripts they may soon need to rush into production, hoping to illustrate the back-to-work chaos facing a town scrambling to pick up where it left off in early November. My Name is Earl's Greg Garcia, for example, is publicly promising that anyone who fritters away their precious time with unproductive chatter about which agency's picket line snacks were the most delicious (the debate, of course, begins and ends with CAA's baby-filled scones) risks an immediate shitcanning. ("[T]hat's all I've heard about for the last three months. And now it's over. I'm not going to sit and listen to them talk about it now. If you say the word 'strike' and you're not talking about bowling, you're fired.") Meanwhile, Lost's Damon Lindelof frets that his staff's been laid off for so long that they may have lost their already seemingly tenuous grasp on what the hell is going on with their magical, polar-bear-and-smoke-monster-infested island:

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Benedict Fitzgerald was the screenwriter selected by Mel Gibson in the spring of 2001 to write The Passion of the Christ. By all accounts, the process was a bloodletting, each subsequent rewrite returned awash in red-ink suggestions of, "Way more flesh rending here," "Watch out for those tricky Aramaic verb tenses!" and, "Maybe add, 'Don't blame us. This is all the Jews' fault!'...Or is that too on the nose?" Eventually, a draft was delivered that would become the blueprint for one of the most successful independent films of all time: a $30 million-budgeted production that returned $612 million in worldwide box office receipts. Yesterday, Fitzgerald filed suit against Gibson, accusing Gibson of fraud and breach of contract, and demanding no less than $5 million in damages from the Malibu land czar:

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Which of these things is not like the other? Hard to tell upon first glance at W's S&M-inspired, unisexy cover shoot featuring Boleyn girls Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman, both decked out in heavy kohl liner, slicked back hair, and matching not-in-the-mood-for-love glares. The punky dominatrix aesthetic is a far cry from their powder-faced Boleyn characters' makeup and style, but these vampy get-ups are one of ScarJo's trademarks. Not to mention that over-stuffed cleavage look she favors. But Natalie? Going along with W's art direction to look "tough! Bitchy! Like someone stuffed a sock down your pants!"? After a brief memory of those panties and that pink wig from Closer, the initial shock wears off. What doesn't make sense, however, is the dichotomy between this cover look (bad, naughty girls who will whip you and you'll like it!) and the actresses' repetitive, insistance on their sobriety and good girl qualities in the actual interview.

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