Short Ends: Ryan Seacrest Buys Ellen A Useful Toy For Her Birthday

· Wait a minute: Did Ryan Seacrest think he was giving Ellen a dildo in a fun little gift bag? Oh, that’s just a bingo stamper, and not a Big Blue Violator? What a silly mix-up! An honest mistake, really.
· Mona Lisa with a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher would’ve made a much better Rambo poster.
· Mary-Kate Olsen’s thought process upon receiving that fateful call from the masseuse, in flowchart form.
· “Those pigs were about 400 pounds each, and there were four of them. I was tied pretty tight into that pigpen by my neck and my hands, and my mouth was gagged. At one point while we were filming one of the pigs broke through the fence and actually came right at me. I was freaking out, and they were rushing in to try to get me out, and of course Sly is in the background yelling, ‘Keep the cameras rolling!’”