Although we don't know the woman from a bar of soap (what does she actually do these days, other than greasy oil heirs?), we've never thought of Cheyenne Tozzi as one of the brightest minds this country has produced, although a Wikipedia search informs us she and sister Tahyna Tozzi - as well as sharing parents who are apparently rather keen on giving their daughters monikers created by grabbing random letters from a bag of Scrabble pieces and putting them together as best they could - are Australian National Karate champs. Whatever. Cheyenne lets Brandon Davis place himself inside of her, and surely we can all agree that's not the sign of an incredibly switched on woman?

Now we hear the following snippet from Crown Towers.

Cheyenne Tozzi and her playboy beau Brandon Davis have hit more bad luck, after arriving in Melbourne for the Millions Main Event tournament at Crown Casino.

...

Heading to the exclusive Mahogany Room instead, the cards didn't fall much better for Davis or his gal pal, who won few friends among the hotel staff when the couple checked in.

Sources tell Confidential the couple came with a list of demands at the neighbouring Crown Towers.

Lobby spies say Tozzi was seen on Friday night ordering a Crown concierge to find her a charger for her mobile phone. But when she was told one was not available she demanded a digital camera instead.

Poor Cheyenne... so dim, she thinks she can make phone calls from a digital camera. You can just see her putting her Canon camera to her ear and shouting "Hello? Hello? I can't hear you at all, we must have a bad line!" as hotel staff roll their eyes and wish for a quick death.

Could it be true? Are Terri and Bindi ("And Bob Bob, what am I, chopped liver?" - Bob Bob) Irwin actually trying to get Britney Spears to visit them Down Under for a rejuvenating jaunt in the Outback?

Terri Irwin has offered troubled American pop singer Britney Spears the chance to escape Hollywood for the Australian bush, according to online reports today.

On websites such as PR-inside.com, the widow of Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin has been quoted as admitting she and her family have been watching the madness surrounding Spears in recent months and believe the singer should head to Australia for a break with nature.

"Bindi's the one who said: 'People who are having trouble should go in the bush with us when we do our crocodile research work'," Mrs Irwin reportedly told the website

"If Britney and her family want to go in the bush with us, we'd love to have them."

Oh, Bindi's idea, was it? This makes much more sense. It has very little to do with helping Britney Spears get through this difficult period in her life, and everything to do with Bindi's burgeoning gangster rap career. Obviously the Cockmen Crocmen aren't delivering the goods on stage, and Bindi is envisioning Britney joining her on a worldwide B&B tour, where the mother of two will act as Dido to Bindi's Eminem, offering up catchy hooks and the occasional dance routine while Bindi "spits" about playa haters and whale conservation.

When we heard Michael Vartan was looking for an Australian woman to mate with and thus justify the expense and trouble of an international relocation to his new favourite place on earth, we figured he's probably do an AJ Buckley and score himself a Home & Away starlet... or, if hard pressed, one of McLeod's 8,43 daughters. But no! Apparently he's more interested in the dog-loving ways of Suzie Wilkes.

Says the Daily Telegraph...

Vartan, who has become a regular down under, was overheard asking the former Changing Rooms chick for her number and questioning whether she would be interested in dinner.

The couple, both animal lovers, bonded over a shared love of dogs.

The American has said the one thing stopping him from upping stumps and moving to Australia is the strict quarantine restrictions surrounding the importing of pets.

It'd be worth the effort, Michael. One of us! One of us!

Also, we found this forum topic "interesting" - Does Suzie Wilkes like bumsex? No answers there, alas - but we do learn that a commenter wants "to do her up the bumhole".

Lucky ol' Guy Sebastian. Not only does he now have a use-by date for his virginity, he's also going to performing concerts around the country with legendary dudes the MGs!

It isn't often you hear eye-witness accounts of Elvis Presley breaking his hand trying to karate chop blocks of wood in his kitchen. Such stories, however, were just some of the privileges granted to Australia's favourite idol, Guy Sebastian, when he recorded The Memphis Album with the soul band the MGs in Memphis last year. Next month the MGs arrive in Australia to tour with Sebastian, singing songs such as Soul Man, In The Midnight Hour, Knock On Wood and (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay; songs that were co-written by MG member Steve Cropper and have been performed by music legends Presley, Otis Redding and Wilson Pickett.

While Sebastian admits performing the legendary songs is a daunting task, he feels soul music is "my area to shine".

Soul music - and your wedding night, good sir.

It must be hard for Pete Doherty these days. For what seemed like an eternity the ex-Libertine was the troubled gifted addict of choice for the British music press, but then along came Amy Winehouse. Suddenly strolling around pasty-faced, fag dangling precariously from his bottom lip, and donning a fedora wasn't enough for the paparazzi! Wandering the streets of freezing London in a bra? Now that's an attention getter! Lately Pete's been trumped by Winegums even when he's trying to shock the public with good behaviour.

"I'm running the London Marathon!"

"I'm Myra Hindley"

Check mate.

But finally it appears Pete Doherty may have located the tabloid ace up his sleeve, cleverly combining the British Isles football obsession with a good old fashioned sperminating - he's impregnated the goddaughter of Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson!

Laura McLaughlin, 20, claims she is three months pregnant by the junkie rocker and the baby is due in June, report News of the World.

"The baby is Peter's. There is no doubt about that.

" I was a virgin when I met Peter and when we had sex.

"He knows about the baby. I told him I was pregnant the moment I found out shortly after Christmas. We are only in contact by phone," she told News of the World.

Lola, a straight-A student who has won a place at the top Harvard University in America to read law, is the daughter of Stephen and Helen McLaughlin, who run a multi-million pound roofing business in Scotland and have been close friends of Sir Alex for more than 20 years.

Oh, Peter.

On December 27 Lola says she was admitted to London's Chelsea & Westminster Hospital after passing out and was only released on Wednesday.

"I have had ovarian problems and recently suffered a ruptured cyst. Initially I thought it was something to do with that but at the hospital I was told I was pregnant."

Lola says when she called Doherty, who has a four-year-old son by another ex, Lisa Moorishhis first words were, "And you think it's mine?"

She added: "His apathy has been traumatic for me. I wanted the baby to be as big a deal to him as it was to me. But it wasn't. One minute he is excited and telling me, How good-looking is our baby going to be?' the next minute he's saying, You deal with it'."

Why she expected more from Pete Doherty is beyond us. In saying "How good-looking is our baby going to be?" to Lola, he was already making it abundantly clear he expected her to shoulder all the responsibility for their love-child.

Thanks to Talia for putting this forward for YouTube Clip Of The Day - we loved it!