· The Secret Tom Cruise Scientology Tape They Didn't Want You To See That You Ended Up Seeing A Lot Of Anyway

· Katie Holmes MarathonGate: Breathing not a word of it on GMA. Feeding Letterman the party line. Things get juicy: Who is runner #6074? And who is Paul Vincent? Probably not the final word on the matter.

· The rumors of a DGA deal were right on the money. The industry reacts.

· Breaking down the Sundance buzz. And a lost cat for good measure.

· Katherine Heigl refreshingly candid about how shitty the newlywed life can be.

· The Non-Globes: If you liveblog a non-event, does it make a sound? "Sooo...I understand you worked at Hooter's. How humiliated are you by that?" The Piv cements his place in catchphrase-coining history. Kicking it, Borgnine style. Stanko ratings. Night of 1000 hotel room viewing parties. Blonskysplosion!

· Following the Axium embezzlement paper trail.

· OMG! Diane Keaton said "fucking" on GMA!

· NodorO™: Manly, yes, but Simon Cowell likes it too!

· Wesley Snipes Goodbye, Brad.

· Nothing can cancel Oscar Christmas. Look at the sparkly lights!

· A ho-hum, heavy-on-the-freak season of Idol begins: Hairkinis, father/son love lockets.

· Defamer attends the Cloverfield premiere, sees a headless Lady Liberty and a headed Lady Lohan.

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From one Queer comic to another, Ellen, Margaret Cho wants you to know that she loves you. Adores you. She just refuses to do your show: "[B]ecause of the way that I was raised, because my political views are they way they are, because I believe that workers should have the power and the ability to make their lives better, because many of my close friends are the ones picketing, I cannot cross the picket line." Fine, Margaret. Take a stand--see if Ellen cares. No dancing for you! [HuffPo]

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With a whole new generation of TV watchers transfixed by such bread-and-Circus Maximus entertainments as Dancing with the Bespangled D-Listers and U.S. Gladiators, it really seemed a matter of time before networks would be falling all over themselves to remount Circus of the Stars. As we mentioned in today's trade round-up, several iterations of the late-70s primetime mainstay are currently being rushed into production, incorporating the basic Circus premise of showcasing celebrities hungry enough for screen time to to take on death-defying big tent stunts, but not quite so beloved or famous that the showbiz world would stop spinning should they happen to perish in a tragic contorting accident.

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On last night's episode of NBC's newest pulse-pounding series, Sorta-Celebrity Apprentice, Team Hydra and The Other Team found themselves suddenly plunged into the high stakes world of inkjet cartridge sales. Ask anyone who works at Staples, that shit is NO! JOKE! For real. Anyway, as we've learned through the course of the first three episodes, the real competition on this show has nothing to do with who wins a given challenge, it's all about which Not-Really-That-Famous-Anymore Celebrity has the most number of famous digits in their cellphone and is not afraid to use 'em. And last night, Stephen Baldwin raised the ante somethin' fierce by putting in a call to the most famous person that he knows. And no, it wasn't Billy Baldwin.

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Citing no sources, Liz Smith is reporting in Variety today that Quentin Tarantino is planning to remake Russ Meyer's graduate thesis on the complex and intertwined relationship between heaving bosoms and ultraviolence, Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! For all we know, Liz might have forgotten to take her meds and made the whole thing up but, just this once, let's pretend that her sources aren't make-believe. Keeping that squarely in mind, the rumoured leads of the rumoured movie that QT is rumoured to be making "even raunchier" than the original are Eva Mendes, pride of the E! network Kim Kardashian and, gulp, Crossroads' Britney Spears. Hmmmm. That sounds positively terrible. We would've done it differently.

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We realize we left many of you hanging since noting Tuesday of the shocking hospitalization of Gwyneth Paltrow for a mystery ailment, which some were hypothesizing resulted from the actress's experimenting with a strict, raw-foods-only intestinal-purging regimen. Well, none other than celebrity chef Mario Batali [Ed. note: Pause to rhapsodize about Mozza's fresh ricotta and egg raviolo with browned butterrrargghlerrrarrh...] has confirmed to usmagazine.com that the troubles were indeed isolated to her digestive tract:

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As part of our ongoing quest to guide you to some of the buzziest and most intriguing offerings at this year's Sundance Film Festival, we share with you now the trailer for official selection Goliath. (First screening: Monday night, 8:30 p.m.) We don't know much about it beyond the fact that it's about a missing cat, with a score inspired by non-missing-cat-movie Stomp The Yard. There's some more background about it here, and over at their official site, but we're confident once you watch the trailer, you won't need much more to be sold. 2008 is all about missing cats.

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To watch an actual doctor actually do something towards curing non-actual celebrities with actual drug problems, we refer you to the goings on over at VH1's Celebrity Rehab, with board-accredited, medical-degree-holding Dr. Drew and his ragtag gang of Z-list addicts. (And a constantly-moaning-in- withdrawal-system-agony Jeff Conaway. Seriously--shit's fucked up. We don't think the I Love New York 2 people really realized what they were getting into.) For all your other TV quack needs, we refer you instead to Mr. Phil, who apparently now regrets breaching Fake-Doctor/Someone-Else's-Patient confidentiality laws by blabbing all about Britney Spears to those guys over at Entertainment Tonight:

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· The DGA, as you undoubtedly heard just moments after puffs of white smoke were belched skyward from the chimney of AMPTP headquarters, reached a deal with the studios yesterday. While anxious WGA members are picking over the proposed contract to see if any writer-screwing provisions have been hidden in the fine print, a strike-weary industry reacts: "One thing that is very clear is that with all the bad blood between the WGA and studios, the writers can strike until the end of time and they will not do better than the directors did. It is time to stop this," said a "veteran agent" obviously eager to start earning commissions again. Check out the full story to read quotes carefully chosen to make the WGA look totally unreasonable if they don't fall hopelessly in love with the terms offered the directors! [Variety]

[After the jump: more deal reactions! Zac Efron hearts Orson Welles! Primetime TV may soon offer nothing but celebrity circus shows!]

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Demigod to the Gays Kathy Griffin, having only just recovered from her triumphant CNN New Year's Eve coverage, already has her next gig lined up, and it's about 10,000 times more fabulous than the International Insurance Adjusters Convention gigs she usually has to take to keep up with mortgage payments on her Hollywood Hills compound. Our pals at Towleroad report that Griffin has been appointed official hostess of Air New Zealand's Pink Flight--a journey via Boeing 777 from San Francisco to Sydney for their Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras celebration that's almost guaranteed to go down in flames. In a good way:

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We know that we said we might not be able to continue on with our Celebrity Rehab viewership following its profoundly depressing premiere, as a weekly look at a largely incomprehensible, addiction-decimated Jeff Conaway would just be too disturbing to bear, comedic cutaways to a libido-overdriven Mary Carey's quest to achieve some inpatient sexual satisfaction notwithstanding. Still, we couldn't resist taking a peek at last night's episode, during which it was revealed that even in his mostly incapacitated, wheelchair-bound state, Conaway managed to smuggle in some cocaine.

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Set phasers to splooge: Star Trek: The Official Movie Site has gone live today. Before rushing off to look at photos of a scantily clad Zoe Saldana holding one finger to her ear over at Uhura's Corner, you should probably know that it's "under construction," with nothing up yet except the badge logo. UPDATE: This also just in, the teaser trailer debuting before Cloverfield screenings. [paramount.com/startrek/, iesb.net]

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We've already run the advance reviews (what--you don't trust Nicholas Chance, Kid Detective Reviewer?), and given you an exclusive! semi-blurry insider's gallery of Wednesday night's premiere. But with today's opening, everyone can finally check out Cloverfield for themselves--or not, if Godzilla vs. Felicity isn't your thing. (It was totally our thing.) The reviews are in:

· "The doomed Gotham created by producer J.J. Abrams -- he with the golden Felicity, Alias, and Lost touch -- and his team is almost entirely populated by vapid, twenty-something nincompoops. Oops, I mean attractive, indistinguishable young people who handle cell phones, DV cameras, etc., with ease; call one another ''dude''; don't have anything interesting to say; and, perhaps as a result, don't listen to one another, even in an emergency." [EW.com]

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Perhaps fearing that the 80 hours of DUI-related community service Lindsay Lohan has already performed by serving as an unpaid shot girl at the Saddle Ranch (that place, like, doesn't even have a list! And why are all the drunk girls wearing lame cowboy hats?) may not provide the kind of scared-straight, "there but for the grace of delusional producers who believe I possess still-untapped acting talent go I" moment of clarity that will help keep the thrice-rehabbed actress from future alcohol- and cokepant-related vehicular incidents, Lohan's attorney told the court her client will soon spend two four-hour shifts toiling at a morgue and two more days in an emergency room.

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