We interrupt our non-stop coverage of a certain suburban party for this statement from Victoria Police:

Detectives have interviewed two 16-year-old youths over incidents on the weekend. One male has been charged with producing child pornography and creating a public nuisance.

For those who've dozed through the past three days, that male became an international media celebrity while - home alone - he threw a party for 500 revellers, 30 police, the dog squad and police air wing.

While we hate being serious, our boss (who's writing this) can't help himself. In Victoria, children subject to court proceedings can not be identified unless the Court authorises otherwise. We've (temporarily, we hope) removed earlier posts and will have what we can, when we can.

This recently arrived in our inbox (thanks, SJX!) with the subject title "We know where [REDACTED] learnt his craft".

As you were.

Argh!

The Melbourne teenager who threw a wild party for 500 people has been arrested.

[REDACTED], 16, was arrested this morning and was being interviewed at the Narre Warren police station about the party, a police spokesman said.

"After the interview (police) will decide their course of action," he said.

Dude, as long as he's out in time for the party in two weeks time...

Really, when it comes to reality/celebreality television, the Brits have it sewn up. Sure, America gave us Kid Town and So You Think You Can Dance, but our UK pals know just how to push the formula that little bit further.

Not only that, but we're pretty sure the latest thing they've cooked up makes I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! look like the test pattern.

To wit, Channel 4's Celebrity Wife Swap:

Comedian Freddie Starr loses a wife and gains lesbian former Page 3 pin-up Samantha Fox in Channel 4's reality show Wife Swap.

The veteran comic is taking part in the celebrity version of the show, which typically sees partners swap their wives or husbands with another participating couple.

And in this version, Starr welcomes the 80s model and singer into his home as she swaps places with his wife Donna, who goes to live with Sam's gay lover and manager Myra Stratton.

In any case, this is sheer genius and we can't wait to see it.

· Was anyone else watching Vh1 last night from, say, 11pm to 11:06pm? They debuted a bite-sized pop culture rundown ("Best Night Ever") starring the lovely, talented and wholly underrated Jessica St. Clair. We've been repeating her hilariously awkward outgoing sign-off all day. Edward R. Murrow, eat your heart out.

· Speaking of Best Week Ever, their listmaster supreme (aka Dan Hopper) ran down the Ten Least Sexy Nude Scenes in Movie History. Yes, chubby chasers, Kathy Bates made the list.

· Rachel Bilson wearing a star-spangled bikini = newsstand gold. Mark your calendars, this will be the first time we've bought GQ this millenium.

· The Soup has a rare, behind-the-scenes look of how Harvey Levin's pitch meetings at TMZ really go down.

· Garfield sure had a bad day back on January 26, 1995.

· Our favorite line in the HD-DVD viral vid that made the rounds today was "BLADES OF GLORY? Are you FUCKING kidding me?" Also, in the context of this video, is Hitler supposed to be Bill Gates?

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Wesley Snipes, the world's surliest vampire hunter, is about to go to trial on some SERIOUS tax evasion charges. Whoopsy daisy, seems that Blade forgot to declare and pay taxes on the $38 million that he made between 1999 and 2004 (we're thinking he made about $38 from 2005 until the present). But The Smoking Gun, being the document sleuths that they are, got their rubber-gloved hands on a document that Wesley filed with an Orange County (FLA, not CA) comptroller back in 2005. We used our computer's highly advanced Ctrl+Alt+Print Screen functionality to grab the image you see above, an image so confusing that it provokes more questions than it could ever possibly answer. First off, is that a hand-drawn self-portrait? It's like Van Gogh meets Rothko meets Rorshach! And second of all, that blood type! Does that mix with AB Negative? We must know. Lastly, that penmanship! We haven't seen so many swirls in a signature since Peggy Sue got married. But wait, there's more!

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Mike Goldman is nothing if not a stand up guy. Think about it, he's even got a bit of culture, narrating Meerkat Manor for Australian audiences; clearly he's a thoughtful and classy bloke.

So we were not surprised to read of his planned nuptials to Brisbane "aspiring model" Tanya Arlidge, since he's an old fashioned kinda guy. What other kind of man would pick up a 19-year-old shop assistant at her place of employment and then announce the engagement at her 21st birthday party?

Friday Night Download co-host Goldman proposed to up-and-coming model Arlidge outside Las Vegas' Bellagio casino last week.

"I was going to propose to her on top of Park City (ski resort) in Utah, but Tan doesn't ski so she couldn't get up there," Goldman said.

The 35-year-old, who also hosted the doco series Meerkat Manor, revealed the news at Tanya's 21st birthday bash on Saturday night.

The couple met nearly two years ago when Goldman dropped into a Brisbane clothing store where she was working.

Props to the soon-to-be happy couple - now they can go on a honeymoon to the USA, and Mrs Goldman can legally have a drink!

Our man [REDACTED] can't be too desperate for fame, as he was sufficiently spooked by a breakfast radio host's attempts to remove his "famous" yellow sunglasses (which, for what it's worth, we're pretty sure are from either Valley Girl or Sportsgirl) that the party king ran away!

He later returned and naturally the interview was peppered with the sorts of bon mots we've come to expect from Narre Warren's answer to Steve Rubell.

The 16-year-old from Narre Warren bolted out of the studio and fled down a fire escape after radio host Matt Tilley tried to remove his plastic yellow sunglasses, which he had kept on throughout the interview.

He was chased by several news camera operators and an anxious radio producer but disappeared.

[REDACTED] later returned to the studio and completed the on-air interview.

Before making his escape, [REDACTED] was asked if he had anything to say to his parents who might be listening.

"Sorry," he said.

Asked if he was planning to return to home, he said: "To get my clothes and stuff".

Asked if he ever wanted to go home again, he said: "I do sort of, but don't know right now".

Or, in a Gabbo-esque let down, will they reveal him to be Chris Lilley?

Just when you thought Telstra commercials and featuring heavily (arf!) on The Biggest Loser was about as massive as Shannon Noll's career was going to get, turns out the little bugger has booked himself a couple of cheeky gigs at LA's infamous Viper Room!

No word on whether or not he plans to 'method act' his way through the gig and speedball while chugging neat bourbon, but one thing there's certainly no doubt about is that Shazza is just a little bit excited.

"So much has happened at a place like that, just walking in it hits you like a tonne of bricks," Noll told AAP from Los Angeles.

"It's going to be a real thrill to get my 45 minutes, or whatever it may be, on stage."

Noll is even thinking of writing a song about the experience.

"There's something in that to write about for sure - being a shearer or being a tractor driver and then doing a gig at The Viper Room, I don't think that would happen too often."

We're willing to place bets on Shannon being so excited he asks a passing drug lord to take a picture of him standing in front of the venue giving a double thumbs up.

This report has us terrified.

Office workers could be left searching for a new way to waste time after one of the world's most popular online games was threatened with legal action.

Facebook is being pressured to shut down the popular Scrabulous application by the makers of the Scrabble board game, Hasbro, Fortune reported.

Scrabulous, an unofficial web-based version of the board game, was started by Indian brothers and Scrabble devotees Rajat and Jayant Agarwalla in 2006.

The game exploded in popularity after it was made available on social networking website Facebook, where more than two million people play it against their friends.

The digital rights to Hasbro's range of board games were licensed to Electronic Arts last year, but online versions of titles like Scrabble, Monopoly and Yahtzee have yet to appear.

As the creator of the Facebook group I'm Starting To Suspect The Only Reason I Log Into Facefuck Is The Scrabble, we are personally devastated to hear our beloved game is in mortal danger, and strongly urge all fellow timewasters and Facebook users to join the group Save Scrabulous, which will probably do nothing whatsoever when it comes to sparing the game from Hasbro's fury, but it may make us feel somewhat less helpless.

(cries)

We always feel a bit bad about poking fun at model and walking headline Lara Bingle; after all, the poor girl's been through the media wringer more than a few times, and, you know, she didn't know Brendan Fevola was married 'n' shit.

But there's a look in her eyes that suggests to us that it might be a bit mean to keep having a go at her. Something about 'mocking the afflicted' springs to mind. Here she is lending her celebrity (along with Jessica "Home & Away" Tovey on the left, and Deni "Vibrato" Hines on the right) to a tree-planting initiative in Sydney:

There's not much in those eyes, is there? Do you think she knows where the camera is, or is she looking for the "birdie", and disappointed to find no parrot on the shoulder of the snapper?

Oh well, as Socrates said, the only true wisdom comes in knowing that you know nothing.

Lara: "Dude, that's us!" *air guitar*

Sad news to pass along. TMZ is reporting that Brad Renfro, star of Apt Pupil and The Client, passed away earlier today at his Los Angeles home at the age of 25. The cause of death is still unknown. More info to follow as it happens.

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A press release from the WGA today demonstrated how the Guild has the potential to be a merciful awards-show-waiver-granting Hollywood entity, announcing that they have reached a pact with the NAACP allowing the Image Awards to proceed as planned:

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Yep. Take a good, hard look at that headline. In case you didn't pick up on it, Posh Spice is talking - again! - about how great it is to be married to Becks and how his knob (recently seen in Giorgio Armani dacks commercials) is seemingly the eighth wonder of the world.

"I'm proud to see his penis 25 foot tall. It's great."

"It's huge. It's enormous. Massive."

Posh added: "If I looked like that I'd walk down the street in my panties too."

Firstly, we are pleased to finally learn [REDACTED]'s full name is [REDACTED] [REDACTEDTON] [REDACTEDEY], according to his Facebook profile. Secondly, we bring you a slice of enthused wisdom left by the man himself on the Facebook discussion board for his tribute group [REDACTED] IS A DEADSET LEGEND.

[REDACTED] [REDACTEDTON] [REDACTEDEY] wrote at 1:20am

:take it:BREAKIT ^luvin dis shit^

Ur all Tha GOOD type !!!~~~
Every1 HiT up tha ||C-nut||

Fkn (maKe) me a groUp Offica!

Sik.

Eloquent little bugger, isn't he?

And with the benefit of hindsight, we note the following nugget of information featuring on his About Me section...

Hit me up Cos I got pix of my Abs in my photos secTion!!! ~~

Oh yea party at Mine Saturday 12th Jan.
BYO chicks and grog
No knives, rents will cracK it at me

"rents will cracK it at me" indeed, [REDACTED].

Favourite books?

-FHM
-Zoo mag - ezzo sed he saW a Genuine pussy lip in this Months one :~~~
-Ralph
-Picture - but I keeP my eyes off the fkn HomegirLs Hahaah!!
-Penthouse wen the bloke at Dandy Plaza lets Us have em'

Hold us back, cos we're about a second of pouncing on this fellow and asking him to marry us. Whaddacatch!

Finally, we turn to his latest status update (as of 1.35am in the early hours of Wednesday morning) to see how Australia's favourite teen party thrower is feeling during this interesting time in his life.

[REDACTED] [REDACTEDTON] [REDACTEDEY] is rearrangin the tackle baby.

Good to know.

Today's YouTube Clip Of The Day is dedicated to our favourite rock'n'roller Dan Luscombe of The Drones.

Along with a posse of assorted wonderful misfits, we spent a rather nice Christmas Eve having a few drinks and listening to Hall & Oates very hip music with the man, when all of a sudden he declared we had to gather around the laptop (the modern equivalent of an open fire?) and listen to mp3s he'd downloaded of a comedian named Mitch Hedberg. Having enough beverages under our belt, we agreed - and spent the next twenty minutes laughing uproariously at the weird, wonderful mind of the sadly now deceased comedian.*

Inspired after seeing Dan run through his personal rendition of Mitch Hedberg's "greatest hits" on Saturday night, this morning we decided to turn to our old buddy YouTube to see what the clip crypt had to offer.

It offered up this.

Amazing. We fucking love Mitch Hedberg,

*Aren't back stories dull fascinating?

This is nice news for a Wednesday, isn't it? Ben Lee (pictured left with The Two Ronnies) has popped the question to girlfriend Ione Skye - but before he did, he had to get the go ahead from his spiritual guru Sakthi Narayani Amma. Lucky for all involved then that Amma gave Ione two thumbs up!

From the Daily Telegraph, who in turn grabbed it from Ben's blog...

Amma told me: 'The purpose of marriage in human life is to build a family. Partnership is not just for enjoyment, as it is for animals. Once you understand this, it will not take you off your path. Marriage will be good for Ben'."

The guru continued: "In the past, Ben has wavered on his path as he didn't have support. Ione understands his job and profession and can support him. She is spiritually connected to the divine. There should not be any problem with Ben and Ione. Every marriage has adjustments. You cannot plan for everything in life. But it can be smooth. Ben can ask Ione. Amma will bless everything."

Three cheers, etc etc.

If they need help organising the reception, we know of a party planner in Narre Warren who can throw a memorable bash for a large number of people at short notice. Oh god, when will we let that story die?

When will our fascination will [REDACTED] end? When the press stops covering the story, we suppose. The latest on the Narre Warren wonderboy, thanks to the Herald Sun.

An unrepentant teenager who threw an out-of-control party at the weekend sparking a visit from the police air wing and dog squad says he will not change.

[REDACTED], 16, had 500 people arrive at his house after an open invitation went out on MySpace, but is still planning another bash in two weeks.

"I've always had a bit of an attitude," [REDACTED] said. "I'm not going to change for anyone, really."

...

"Yeah, it's been pretty fun," he told Channel Nine. "I'm having another big pary in two weeks. I don't really want to (go home), I'm going out with my mates and stuff, and don't want to go home."

And why would he, when he's able to flaunt his brand new celebrity status at glamorous venues like Frankston Maccas? Brilliant.

Party promoter Tim Sabre, of Raw Entertainment, has offered 16-year-old [REDACTED] a job with his events company as a party promoter.

Mr Sabre told media outlets today that [REDACTED] had done "a great job in the wrong place" and tipped he could be successful promoting underage events.

"A promoter who can organise a party for 500 people can make anywhere from $2000 to $10,000," he sad.

"If he can pull 500 to the street, he could easily fill up a club."

Ha! So not only is he rapidly becoming the world's most famous obnoxious teen, he's now going to score a sweet job for his efforts.

There's something quite brilliant about all this.

"Erm..." - his parents & assorted outraged adults and media outlets

Hush.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to add him as a friend on MySpazz so we can find out the details regarding the next "best party ever".

Barnaby Joyce is a hero, it would seem.

Holidaying Queensland Nationals senator Barnaby Joyce who hails far from the ocean has helped rescue a New Zealand tourist from rough seas.

Senator Joyce, who lives in the western Queensland town of St George, was preparing for an early morning swim before lifeguards came on duty on the Sunshine Coast when he spotted the 23-year-old man in trouble in a rip and starting to tire.

"This gentleman was from New Zealand so, unfortunately for him, he was heading home, but by the wrong means,'' Senator Joyce told Network Ten.

Lifeguards praised Senator Joyce's efforts.

"I was quite impressed that someone from out west having this many surf skills to be able to get out there and assist someone in distress,'' lifeguard Jeremy Tibbits said.

Jeremy, if he's strong enough to cross the floor against John Howard regarding the Trade Practices Act, dealing with a rip isn't going to faze him.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Despite how smash-you-over-the-head-with-a-brick obvious and amazing our Microsoft Paint skills are, we are not interested in being poached by any graphic design companies, so please don't embarrass yourself by emailing in any high paying job offers. Blogging is our passion. No, really.

Zac Efron down! We repeat, teenybopper heartthrob Zac Efron is down! The High School Musical star was rushed to hospital today to have his appendix removed. Efron is recovering nicely, and has agreed to sign the mostly useless, prone-to-rupturing tissue for an eBay celebrity-organ auction, where it's expected to fetch a large sum earmarked for The Children's Appendicitis Fund. [TMZ]

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Long suffering feminist crusader and smokey treat enthusiast Katherine Heigl wants you to know that she can quit smoking any time she god damn well pleases. "I can have just one (cigarette). I am not gonna get addicted. Then you start bumming. I'm bumming. I don't buy my own packs. I'm not addicted." It's important to note, she gave this answer while smoking a cigarette.

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Noting that Disney head Bob Iger's salary rose 7% this year to $27.7 million dollars, Reuters then runs through the point-by-point breakdown: "Disney paid Iger a $2 million base salary, plus a $13.7 million bonus. The company expensed $7.9 million in stock awards and $2.2 million in option awards for Iger during the fiscal year ended September 30." According to our calculations, that adds up to $25.8 million. So where's the missing $1.9 million coming from? Hannah Montana black-market-ticket brokerage fees? We open the commenting floor to your own suggestions. [Reuters]

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It's not often that we run tips from maids, but something about this e-mail from a woman who purports to be a cleaning lady temporarily employed at the manse of American Idol's muscle-shirted dream-douser Simon Cowell instantly caught our attention:

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In the second entry of her new(ish) Binge Thinking column for Entertainment Weekly, Diablo Cody wisely decides not to use the column space to how homeskillets really need to shut their gobs when using burger phones to discuss doodles that can't be undid. Rather, she (perhaps unwisely) decided to fall back on a tried and true journalistic crutch for churning out a piece without actually having to formulate that strong of an opinion on something ... she makes a list! Sort of. Her innovatively (or not) titled thesis, "Heroine Chic", revolves around "killer onscreen heroines who weren't too cool to care about their hair, complexion, or wardrobe." Like Andie from Pretty In Pink and Uncle Jesse from Full House. Yeah, we're kind of lost, too. What we really want to know is this: what's the sitch with that tattoo drama? Or, even better, how come you skipped the Critic's Choice awards last week? There's a reason they picked you for this Backpage column, Diablo, and we're quite sure it wasn't to get a listicle out of you.

Dying to watch the poorly edited yet highly scandalous Tom Cruise indoctrination video but don't have nine minutes to kill? We understand. That's why we put intrepid Defamer videographer Molly McAleer on the case, and the 108-second compilation clip she turned in is bound to have the SPs roaring in the aisles (or, more accurately, cowering in a corner somewhere). We've gone through the tech and run our PTSSP drills, now it's your turn.

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· Steve Jobs announced at Macworld that every major studio would now offer movies for rental on iTunes. $3.99 per new release gives you 30 days to start it, then 24 hours to finish it, and a virtually limitless amount of time to bitch about how you just blew $3.99 of beer money on Norbit. [THR]

· At last, Oprah Winfrey gets her OWN network: The Oprah Winfrey Network. (Get it? OWN?) When it debuts in 2009, look for her to select it as the Channel of the Month for her newly formed Oprah's TV Club, ensuring boffo launch ratings. [THR]

· With the one-two foam-baton punch of Deal or No Deal and American Gladiators, NBC easily swept up in the ratings last night, a victory they have a few hours to savor before Fox unleashes a rampaging, 70-foot Abdulosaur upon the TV landscape. [THR]

· The High School Musical gang has signed on for another sequel, High School Musical 3: Senior Year, which will escape from the basic cable ghetto to premiere in theaters. [Variety]

· Celine Dion: That's Just the Woman in Me, a special taped Saturday at the Wiltern will air Feb. 15 on CBS. We realize this isn't a groundbreaking announcement, but it did provide a nice excuse to run that ridiculous photo. [Variety]

One of our conspiracy-buff tipsters dropped this into our inbox, which we dutifully pass along to you. Discuss: "With rumors of a DGA deal, Apple just announcing its partnership with the six big studios for online movie rentals, and the last of the studios cleaning house last night with their force majeures, it sure seems like something's going on with this strike. But what about the biggest sign-- Nikke Finke is on "vacation". Now? Really? I wonder if the WGA or the AMPTP or maybe even both paid for her to go to Cabo or something to give the muckraking a rest at this sensitive time..." [deadlinehollywooddaily.com]

An update to the seriously depressing Roger Avary fatal DUI car accident story: Avary's wife Gretchen is now expected to survive. His publicist released this statement: "Roger wishes to publicly convey his heartfelt condolences to the family of the deceased. Words cannot express how sorry he is, and this tragic accident will always haunt him." He faces his arraignment Friday. [AP]

A rumor posted on unitedhollywood.com, and substantiated by an article in Variety, suggests the DGA is on the verge of having reached a deal with the AMPTP, if not having done so already. What this means for the WGA isn't entirely clear: United Hollywood cautions that "everyone stay calm," and give WGA negotiators an opportunity to "analyze the terms of that deal and see if they're acceptable to us as a guild or not," but picketing writers have already begun to express optimism that it will provide an acceptable template for their own. Certainly, it should hearten anyone to know that the same union that reps such highly opinionated and demanding artists as Michael Bay was able to reach a swift and workable solution, without the Transformers director even once leaning over the bargaining table to suggest to Nick Counter through a megaphone that his offer was, "BEEEEEEEP...a FUCKING JOKE, OLD MAN."

• DGA Deal To Be Announced Tomorrow? [UnitedHollywood.com]
• DGA talks raise hope for WGA [Variety]

Ever since we called shenanigans on Katie Holmes' involvement in the New York City Marathon just over two weeks ago, conspiracy theorists have come out of the woodwork at a rate not seen since Ollie Stone introduced a nation to the ravings of Jim Garrison. As other news organizations started to poke around the highly sensitive hot button issue of marathon integrity, they found the story was a tough nut to crack. Even our nation's most dignified and respected journalistic outlet, US Weekly, was forced to mysteriously removed a blog post that dared to investigate Katie's alleged involvement in the upcoming Boston Marathon. Just when we thought the trail had gone cold, our cause reached its zenith last night when Katie Holmes appeared on The Late Show With David Letterman and addressed the issue that has kept millions of earth humans on the edge of their seats.

A few important things to note. One, Dave really went easy on her. He never really addressed the burgeoning conspiracy movement, but that's probably just because he's classier than we are. Still, we think he should've mixed in a probing question like "So, how is it that you were able to wear heels later that night?" Come on Dave, these are the reasons we watch you over Leno.

Two, Joey Potter (whose tragic haircut looks like a bad approximation of Natalie Portman's bob in The Professional), would like to have us believe that she decided to run the marathon in August! That gave her 90 days to get into marathon shape. Hmmm, sounds fishy and Dave seems to agree ("Did you go through the full regimen? The 20 mile runs?"). Katie just nods.

Three, we find out that the Kanye West's "Stronger" provided the necessary inspirado for Kate to (allegedly) complete the last six miles of the marathon. We know that Kanye is Tom Cruise endorsed, but why not just go with the "Mission: Impossible" theme?

Here's what we know about the Gwyneth Paltrow Mystery Ailment Hospitalization Shocker currently shaking the celebrity-health-monitoring tabloid news establishment to its core: Usmagazine.com reports that the actress was admitted to the Mount Sinai Hospital in New York yesterday afternoon, "slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin. She looked not well." Then, at 6:30 p.m. a bag--clearly labeled "Gwyneth Martin"-- arrived from a local organic produce store.

A call placed by Daily Intelligencer to the store resulted in an employee--clearly not versed on the practice of not commenting on their celebrity clientele's raw food dietary habits--revealed that Paltrow was undertaking a "five-day live-food fast," which involved the ingestion of nothing but salads and juices. Meanwhile, PageSix.com has obtained the last-known image of the Iron Man star prior to her mystery, possibly lettuce-induced hospitalization; taken that very morning, Paltrow looked so healthy as she jogged through Manhattan in an all-black winter workout outfit, possibly listening on her iPod to inspiring track "Yes!" from Coldplay's forthcoming album, "Prospekt." Developing...

• Last Photo of Gwyneth Before Her Hospitalization [PageSix.com]
• EXCLUSIVE: Gwyneth Paltrow Admitted to New York Hospital [usmagazine.com]
• Did a Fast Make Gwyneth Sicketh? [Daily Intelligencer]

The Mad Money morning show tour made another stop at GMA today, but unlike the zonked-yet-consummately-ladylike presence of Katie Holmes, an animated Diane Keaton seemed in full command of her mental faculties, if somewhat lacking in the ladylike department.

Didn't get a chance to watch the terrifyingly creepy Tom Cruise video yesterday before Scientologists pulled it off YouTube? Well, we've managed to get our hands on a copy and now we'd like to invite you to watch in all its technicolor glory. Nevermind the orgs, nevermind the SPs and nevermind David Miscaviage, Defamer won't hesitate to put our ethics on ANYONE! Don't miss out, over one billion earth humans have been served. KSW and KFC forever (or something). This is must-see. Do not pass go without watching this video.