This morning we thought [REDACTED], the youthful organiser of a knees up so impressive it's put Narre Warren on the international party map, was a complete and utter moron. But the more we follow the story (yes, it's become our afternoon obsession), the more we find ourselves almost... well, almost enjoying his total lack of remorse. As commenter Adrian pointed out in a previous post, you couldn't script him. He is so obnoxious and so without care regarding others around him, he's like a parody of a teenage boy. Harry Enfield couldn't top his performance on A Current Affair!

And check out his MySpazz page.

The kid is using a screenshot of his appearance on National Nine News as his profile picture! He's stuck the YouTube footage of the infamous ACA interview on the page!

We're almost tempted to join the Facebook appreciation group.

Following on from today's earlier story about [REDACTED], the unrepentant 16 year old who threw an epic party (with epic consequences), it seems his decision to be sartorially flamboyant was a wise one, with the Narre Warren shindig guru now being immediately recognisable to fans - and detractors.

Says commenter Claire -

I just saw this idiot in Frankston McDonalds with his friends. Still wearing the stupid sunglasses and hat, and acting like a rockstar! What a tool!

He's allowed out for a Maccas run? Still donning his ACA garb? Kids these days, etc. Nevertheless, if he insists on wandering around town decked out in his ridiculous garb, we daresay [REDACTED]-spotting may end up a new sport in Melbourne. And we may just get him to organise our first birthday celebration in April since the dude obviously knows how to throw a wicked bash.

UPDATE! [REDACTED]'s missing?

A Melbourne teenager who hosted a raucous party on Saturday night has made world headlines after 500 guests turned up and police mobilised a dog squad unit, an incident response team and a helicopter to try and quell the celebration.

The teenager boy's parents, meanwhile, have arrived home — but there is no sign of their son at their Narre Warren property.

Two uniform police arrived at the house at 2.15pm and left about 30 minutes later. They made no comment.

We think not. CHECK THE FAST FOOD OUTLETS, OFFICERS.

While Hollywood continues to gnash its teeth through the Writer's Strike, and favoured dramas, comedies and chat shows go silent without scripts, it seems the Strike is bringing about some goodness - for the Australian television industry.

Media boffins predict that because there are less new episodes of favoured US shows to buy, but networks will still be charging the same amount for advertising - even if repeats are being shown - the local networks could be left with money to burn, which would hopefully be spent on commissioning local content. In fact, that looks highly likely already.

Tim Worner, programming head for ratings leader the Seven Network, agreed that a repeats overkill could be dangerous.

"We have to be careful - with some shows, you're starting to see their bum through their pants," he said.

Mr Worner said Seven devised a plan last October to prepare for the worst. "The essence was turning a problem into an opportunity." That plan included holding back US programming that could have run during the summer, and expanding and extending Australian production.

Other networks have also made contingency plans. Nine Network's programming boss Michael Healy said the network had decided to make more local programs: "There are shows we have already commissioned because of the writers' strike."

Ten Network's programming head David Mott is also in commissioning mode, with the network to reveal more local shows "within the next week".

This is all well and good, provided said proposed local content doesn't feature a) Hotdogs or b) Kyle Sandilands. Which, given the recent run of new Australian television, is probably almost guaranteed.

Who knew there'd ever be a time when we pined for repeats of Just Shoot Me! and The Nanny?

So we've finally been allowed to peek beneath the washerwoman's scarf that Amy Winehouse has been accessorising her new blonde barnet with, and boy, isn't it a great look?

As the Mail (and the Sun, and the Mirror...) notes, Winegums is looking less soul diva and more like she's gunning for a role in Michael Winterbottom's big-screen adaptation of the tale of Fast Forward's Michelle and Ferrett.

However, we were very taken with the photo (in the Mail) of Winegums meeting up with pal Kelly Osbourne, and in particular, the reaction expression on the face of Ms Osbourne's pug, which is looking at Winegums' head. Here it is, for your enjoyment:

Says it all, really, doesn't it?

We were somewhat puzzled, and then amused, this morning when we were trying to work out who "O.Chunk" might be - when we clicked the link, we realised that News Ltd's exemplary online subediting work was trying to tell us it was "O.C. hunk" Adam Brody - and, wouldn't you know it, he's putting it in some Aussie starlet we'd struggle to name in a police line-up!

Yes, he's dating Teresa Palmer, his co-star in the 2manySuperheroes flick, Justice League Of America.

Who knew the formerly nerdy Seth Cohen had it in him, eh?

While she's set to kill his character, Wall West aka The Flash, in the superhero blockbuster, it was all sweet lovin' for the off-screen couple, who held hands and cuddled up over dinner at Lotus restaurant in Potts Point on Saturday night.

Onlookers who contacted Confidential yesterday were stunned to see the celebrity duo, who sat in a party of six, going largely unnoticed for the duration of their meal.

It's not the first time Brody's been all over an Aussie girl; last year he was spotted making out with hot ranga model Tiah Eckhardt on the grass at an AIDS fundraiser.

So there you have it: charitable aspiring actresses of Australia, YOU could be next to feel the seed of Brody!

So everyone's well aware of the chart woes currently affecting Australian Idol winner Natalie Gauci (who will be referred to as The Gauch from hereon in, just because we can). Suffering from a severe bout of Casey-itis, it seems The Gauch's victory at the Opera House finale last year hasn't been enough to guarantee album sales, with her single Here I Am only managing to reach the dizzying heights of the #2 position (good under normal circumstances, but when you're part of the Idol juggernaut and the associated publicity power that comes with it, not so good) and her album debuting at #12.

But even we were surprised when checking out the 50 members of the Facebook group "I NEED A GIG IN MELBOURNE!!!!!!" to see her name pop up.

Surely Sony-BMG aren't forcing her to arrange her own shows via Facebook?! This'd never have happened to Matt Corby - IT IS A TRAVESTY!

Poor The Gauch :(

On the upside, she's not alone. Former E-Street star (and deliverer of The World's Greatest Lyrics TM - "If you wanna wait til later, hands off my detonator") Melissa Tkautz is also part of the shouty group. Can we organise a Gauch/Tkautz double-header at a small, intimate venue like The Empress? We'd pay the $7 cover charge. Anything to support our Australian Idol!

You have probably already heard of [REDACTED], the teenager who decided to throw a bash while his parents were away - and it went somewhat awry.

[REDACTED]'s parents cut short their Gold Coast holiday after a party at their house attracted up to 500 alcohol-charged youths — who damaged police cars with bottles and had to be dispersed with the help of a police helicopter.

...

It could get worse for [REDACTED] with Chief Commissioner Christine Nixon saying the police were considering billing him up to $20,000 for the intervention. Neighbours called police after the number of teenagers, attracted via text messages, the internet and email, swelled to 500. Ms Nixon said if [REDACTED] did not pay, the community in effect would pay for his irresponsibility. Up to 30 police attended the party in Galloway Drive along with dog squads, transit police, divisional vans and a critical incident response team.

We strongly recommend you watch the following YouTube clip of [REDACTED]'s appearance on A Current Affair, if only to be able to tell your grandchildren "Yes, I saw Australia's Dumbest Teenage Party Organiser's famous glasses once! They changed my life"

"I'll say sorry, but I'm not taking off my glasses."

We urge his parents contact their ISP and have his access to MySpace blocked for at least three weeks.

PS: Nice outfit, you nuff-nuff!

· Wondering how Tracy Morgan is spending his downtime from "30 Rock"? Dave Letterman asks the tough questions, the audience gets the uncomfortably honest answer.
· Honest to blog, we can't wait to see Juno Jr.!
· LAist has a strong to very strong interview with our longtime friends/cohorts, The Fug Girls.
· The terminally boring Harry Potter saga may have just gotten one film longer. We're going out on a limb here, but we're going to guess that Voldemort doesn't end up defeating Harry in this one, either.
· Now we know what Justin Timberlake sees when he wipes the sleepy crust away from his eyes each morning.
· We almost ralphed just typing this. We can't imagine what will happen if you actually watch it. That's right, it's the Tiffany "New York" Pollard sex tape.
· And to close the day on a bit of unfortunate but necessary news, tomorrow's Ben Silverman Prom has been postponed. Not cancelled, mind you, just postponed.

This is nice to know, isn't it?

They were besties in the Big Brother house, now Aleisha Cowcher and Emma Cornell are living together once again. Proving friendship can survive outside the Gold Coast compound, Cowcher, from Cobram in rural Victoria, has shacked up with the fitness instructor in an Eastern Suburbs apartment.

Even though we thought Emma was diabolical when she appeared on last year's season of Big Brother (remember last year? We barely do...), we were assured by a Big Brother employee that she was nowhere near as heinous as we believed her to be, and Jamie was a thousand times worse than any of us could have imagined. We've never met the sob-happy D&D fan though, so we'll reserve judgement for now.

More regarding Aleisha, please!

Now her BB appearances are finally over, the bubbly blonde hairdresser is looking for a job as well as battling traffic out to Castle Hill to visit her lad Kris "Billy" Bentley.

Your Editor grew up out in the Hills District, so we will be sure to keep an ear to the ground regarding tales of Billy and Aleisha gyrating awkwardly on the dancefloor at the Tav ("It's happening at the Tavern, the Castle Hill Tavern, it's happening at the TAVERN toniiiiiiiight" - whaddajingle!) and any potential illicit carpark fondles at The Mean Fiddler.

We can think of no better way to cap off this splendiferous Monday than with a ribald discussion among the ladies of The View on a topic the French might call a ménages à trois, but Americans more commonly refer to as a delicious McThreeWay. Things quickly get ugly, as family values traditionalist Elisabeth Hasselbeck declares a threesome witchhunt, fingering audience members she suspects of concealing group-sex-tainted pasts.

Further to yesterday's celebration of all things Celine, we offer you this.

We had the original interview saved in our YouTube favourites (told you we'd gone Dion-nutzo last year) but we hadn't seen this mash up. Big ups to spunky FBi brekky host Michaella for the heads up!

Browsing the 'human interest' stories on the way to the serious (read: celebrity) news this morning, we were thrilled by this piece regarding a legal battle between the parents of a young (seven year-old) dance enthusiast, her choreographer, and the dance studio where the routine was birthed.

If you thought intellectual property stories from the world of computer design or art criticism made your head spin, wait until you read about Wild Child Acting And Dance Studios! Enjoy this bit of light reading over your morning frappe latte cino and copy of DanceSport.

A choreographed three-minute dance to Gloria Estefan's Turn The Beat Around, created for Brisbane seven-year-old Caitlyn Armstrong, has led to a $38,000 legal battle.

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Outspoken defendant of 5150-hold survivors' rights Courtney Love has, according to NME.com, settled on the two actors she think could most accurately bring her tumultuous marriage to life in a movie version of Kurt Cobain biography Heavier Than Heavy. In the part of her Tormented Musical Genius and Voice of a Generation husband, she wisely, if rather safely, elected Ryan Gosling, who in Half Nelson proved how effectively he can crawl into the skin of a barely functioning but brilliant drug addict, and, in Lars and the Real Girl, made it somehow believable that someone could fall in love with a mostly-plastic spouse that required constant propping.

To play herself, Love reportedly chose Scarlett Johansson: While The Nanny Diaries star most certainly has the musical chops, having performed to sell-out Coachella crowds as The Jesus and Mary Chain's "Just Like Honey"-repeating girl, we're not entirely convinced the pouty-lipped ingenue would be able to accurately capture the troubled rocker's wildly modifying looks, or successfully tap the far, demon-prowled reaches of her psyche. Still, Johansson has always been one to rise to the occasion, and should she nail the pivotal scene in which she is called upon to lift her shirt so an unidentified Wendy's patron (Don Cheadle) can suckle on a single bazoombah, this might finally be the project that spells Oscar for the always in-demand actress.

• Courtney Love chooses actor to play Kurt Cobain [NME]

You may recall some months back that Nine news reporter Christine Spiteri was told she'd be 'let go' following maternity leave, the aftermath of which degenerated into a mess of name-calling and race-card-playing the likes of which recalled Frontline in its prime.

Well, she's still as mad as hell, and even if her discrimination complaint falls on deaf ears, it looks likely she'll take her case all the way to the top of the legal food chain.

Spiteri has lodged a complaint with the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission after being told in November that her contract would not be renewed.

The complaint names Nine's news director John Westacott, her lawyer said.

A Nine spokeswoman said the network "plans on responding to these claims".

If the name 'John Westacott' rings a bell, that's because he was the fine upstanding news boss who told our heroine, "with a surname like Spiteri you should try SBS".

Nine: Still the one (for racist wisecracks, questionable sexual politics, and poor programming choices.)

Hot off the triumphant and record-setting B.O. run of "Blonde Ambition" ($6,422 and counting!), Jessica Simpson attempted to channel her patented blend of moxie and can-do spirit into being a dutiful girlfriend to new(ish) boyfriend Tony Romo, who just so happens to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. Unfortunately for Romo and his teammates, Simpson's runaway success at luring everyday joes to our nation's cineplexes did not translate into good luck for America's Team yesterday. The Cowboys were eliminated from the NFL playoffs by the New York Football Giants, a team eager to prove their mettle in the last days before Giant Fucking Monsters attack the isle of Manhattan. Now Cowboy fans are directing their wrath towards Miss Simpson, claiming that her double Ds distracted Romo when he should've been preparing for the game. Um, duh? [US Magazine]

Even though he's more or less deserted us for the bright lights of Broadway and London (though at least he still makes his trade on being "Australian"™, unlike that perpetually mid-Atlantic Clive James - but we love him, too), we'll always love Barry Humphries, so we were concerned to see that dear old Baz is somewhat under the weather following an operation he underwent before Christmas:

The Aussie star - better known as Dame Edna Everage - had his appendix out in December.

The 73-year-old, has been forced to cancel a US tour as well as his only British-scheduled appearance in Glasgow in March.

A spokesman for the Glasgow International Comedy Festival said: "He's going in for more surgery this week."

He's 73! The mind boggles - somehow he's been stuck in our minds, hovering eternally around 55 or so.

We'd like to send our warmest get well wishes to gramps! Someone arrange some Interflora gladioli on our behalf, that's a good readership.

In lieu of Golden Globes awards speeches, our East Coasted sibling site posted a memorable video package, via Hollywood Interrupted, fêting messianic Scientology mouthpiece Tom Cruise as he accepted their 2005 Freedom Medal of Valor. Like most of Scientology's sacred babblings, the text was never meant to reach outside eyes; the video quickly disappeared from YouTube, soon to shake off from the temporary effects of the tranquilizing serum plunged into its neck and find itself buried alive beneath a patch of carefully attended petunias on the grounds of Gilman Hot Springs HQ.

Alas, there are never quite enough idling white vans to stop the rapid proliferation of mouth-foaming, glassy-eyed, Scientological diatribes on the internets, and so Radar Online has reposted the footage. Don't let the Mission Impossible-theme loop or the shutter-effect edits throw you: The United Artists co-figurehead has never sounded more focused or enlightened about his true mission--ridding the world of spectatorism, by never hesitating to put his ethics into someone else. Enjoy.

• "We are the way to happiness" [Gawker]
• Cruise Pulls You A Little Closer to Xenu [Radar]

The New York Post is reporting that The Animal may have been sippin' on a few Purple Monsters -- a nastariffic homemade concoction of Red Bull, vodka and NyQuil -- before she got carted off to Cedars-Sinai last week after refusing to turn the kids over to K-Fed's handlers. This explains a lot. `Cause there have been more than a few times that we've hit The Tuss and The `Quil a little too hard. Trust us, it turns everything into the scene in Knocked Up where Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd go to Cirque Du Soleil high on 'shrooms. Not fun.

During an evening lacking any sort of true (or even manufactured) sense of excitement, we found ourselves giddily mesmerized by the grainy home video that Nikki Blonsky shot of her family's reaction to the news that she had been nominated for a Globe for her work in Hairspray. After all, it's one thing to trash a hotel room, but it's another thing entirely to trash your parents' living room. In a viral video era where capturing a "real" reaction becomes harder and harder, it's impossible to argue that Nikki's spontaneous flip of the Blonsky family coffee table was anything other than a pure moment born from a rush of adrenaline and emotion. More simply put, we just paid witness to one of the most ecstatic moments of this young woman's life to date. We love everything about it, unironically and unapologetically. Now if only John Travolta were able to show this kind of range...

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In the six days since news broke that Axium, payroll company to a number of Hollywood studios, ceased operations after declaring emergency Chapter 7 bankruptcy, we have received countless tips about the company's spotty business practices over the last six months or so. Many of the tips revolved around John Visconti, one of the firm's principal owners and a former chair and CEO of the company. He sounds like a real peach! His CV is full of bizarre fun facts allegations like this: there's a possibility that Visconti isn't his real last name (still digging on that one) and that he used to have bullet proof glass in his office on Wilshire. More goodies, including a handy cheat sheet of the events that led to the company's demise and loss of up to $500 million in liabilities, after the jump!

This handy summary of what went down in the last few months of Axium's history comes from a tipster.

Things are worse than they seem and I bet this story is going to get uglier and uglier. Nobody knows any of this for sure. But here are some rumors that had been floating around the company.

1. Axium 'forgot' to pay some pretty high tax bills recently.
2. The 2 formally in charge, John Visconte, and Ron Garber, used to work in Wilshire and had bullet proof glass in their office.
3. Those same two were let go from their positions about a month ago. No warning. No nothing.
4. Two months ago the company laid off all their contractors and many employees. I would guess the total number of laid off: 60
5. The company was spread VERY thin. We offered things like check-cashing services to personal loans to employees to a real estate division (that nobody really knew anything about).
6. Bottom line - the company was fucked. Most people believed there were shady things going on. But i guess what we didn't know - didn't hurt us.

Um, wow. Being the intrepid gumshoes that we are, we did some additional digging and found out that two of Visconti's other companies, Unity America Fund and Park Avenue Productions, were found to part of a 2005 campaign contributions reprimand that Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa recently received. We'll have more on this story as the week progresses.

After a disorienting Golden Access Globes Press Hollywood Conference Awards that left nominees and audiences alike utterly befuddled (we understand Sally Field was fished out of The Grove's dancing waters fountain at 3 a.m. delivering an impassioned speech about bringing the troops home to two security guards on a golf cart), our traditional Globes parties post-mortem promised to be a similar mess. Still, if there were awards, and there were winners, by God there's going to be a reactions round-up, even if it comes off sounding a lot like the ones you read after the nominations are announced:

· The Atonement crew toasted their win at a bungalow at the Chateau Marmont, where the ghost of O.D.'d John Belushi smiled over their WWII romance's win. [Variety]

· Marion Cotillard enjoyed her win for La Vie en Rose from the Four Seasons. "I'm enjoying so much what's going on here, I can't be disappointed in any way," she said, convincingly masking her extreme disappointment. [Variety]

· Julian Schnabel learned of his Best Director win at New York City airport baggage carousel, upon turning his cellphone on: "It was very glamorous. It was one of those existential moments. I was extremely happy." [USA Today]

· Like Ernest Borgnine's bash, Sweeney Todd producer Richard Zanuck made it a family affair, taking in the press conference from his son's home in Beverly Hills--which is nice, but not, like, seated next to Johnny Depp with lots of water glasses and fancy silverware nice: "I must say, it's a wonderful thing to be seated at a table and all the suspense of that. All that was nonexistent (tonight), but it doesn't take away from the honor." [Variety]

· "Glenn Close, best TV actress/drama for FX's Damages, was in a bar in New York's meatpacking district with the show's cast and crew. 'It's a wonderful way to watch -- we were rooting for our team.'" She then mounted the counter at the Brass Monkey for a celebratory striptease patrons won't soon forget. [ABC News]

· Best Actor in TV Series, Musical or Comedy winner David Duchovny went to see a movie while the winners were announced: "I kinda didn't want to watch, it would just make me tense or nervous, so I went out to see a movie at four (o'clock) and I knew I wouldn't be home until it was announced. I knew if my phone was ringing when I walked into my hotel room that I would have won. And it was. Nobody calls a loser." And with that, this year's ceremony wiped the snot from its nose as it checked its phone in vain for any congratulatory messages. [AP]

Apropos of nothing other than wanting to briefly pause from reliving the horror of last night's Golden Globes (don't worry, we'll get back to it soon enough), we'd like to direct you to this eBay auction offering some reproductions of the hilarious/disturbing paintings by artist Miguel Calderon that were memorably featured in The Royal Tenenbaums. At a starting price of $3,000, it might be cheaper to indulge your Wes Anderson fanaticism by renting some ATVs with your buddies for a fun day of shirtless, mescaline-fueled off-roading. [eBay]

· NBC's Billy Bush-enhanced Reading of the Golden Globes Winners telecast draws just 5.8 million viewers, lower Nielsen numbers than even last week's public-access-quality People's Choice Awards delivered to CBS. Meanwhile, the premiere of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was huge for Fox. [THR]

· Shaking off the disappointment of its Globes debacle, NBC orders another season of Proven Ratings Winner American Gladiators (surely, two episodes is all the evidence one needs to make such a commitment!), though the network is being coy about how many episodes it's ordered or when they might air. [Variety]

· Having quietly completed two days of negotiations over the weekend, everyone in Hollywood will be watching the DGA and AMPTP for signs that they're about to announce a deal. (Especially members of the WGA, who are praying the directors don't reach an unfavorable agreement that makes their own contract-talk suffering any worse.) [THR]

· The Producers Guild nominates The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, and There Will Be Blood for its feature film award, jilting both of last night's Globes winners, Atonement and Sweeney Todd.[Variety]

Though the cancellation of Golden Globes ceremony forced the Hallmark Channel to grudgingly call off its annual after-party, considered by many to be the most debauched in all of Hollywood (2006's orgy honoring Meet the Santas is still spoken of in hushed tones for the five overdosing Saint Nicks who had to be removed from a single bathroom stall at the Riot Hyatt), Globes nominee and A Grandpa for Christmas star Ernest Borgnine decided he would still try and salvage what fun he could from the wreckage of the evening, hosting an intimate gathering at his home. And Access Hollywood was there!

The ever-smiling Hollywood veteran said he was happy to be home instead of wrapped up in the "hullabaloo" of the ceremony, "because if I want a beer or I want a sandwich or whatever, I'm able to get up and go. These people have to sit there and wait until somebody tells them to go pee."

Tension grew as each category was announced. "This is like going into labor, for God sake," Tova said of the long wait.

Finally, the actor's category came up. Jim Broadbent was announced as the winner.

Tova and Nancy Borgnine booed, but Borgnine clapped.

"Hey, I already got one," he said. "I was nominated and I think that's wonderful. You don't have to win them all."

A win would have been good for the Hallmark Channel, he said, "but for me, I've got one. And I've got the big guy, too."

Borgnine's admirable magnanimity in the face of defeat would soon fade, however, as he further contemplated the indignity the HFPA visited upon him in delivering the upset win to Broadbent. Local news crews hoping to get some feel-good footage for their post-awards-show segments soon found themselves documenting an expletive-filled tirade in which the agitated nonagenarian, menacingly swinging around his previously won Oscar and Globe, invited "that Limey dandy" over to his house "settle this like men," pledging that the winner of a best-of-three-falls Indian-leg-wrestling would get to "keep all the goddamn trophies."

[Photo: AP]

• Strike Can't Stop Ernest Borgnine From Partying On Globes Night [Access Hollywood]

There's a sequence towards the middle of Ari Gold-client Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" video in which the soul diva, destroyed by so many loves having gone sour, tears a Manhattan Yellow Pages in half with one swipe of her bulging pythons-- a triumphant symbol of how she'll never be taken for a ride again. But in light of recent allegations that she and many other hip-hoppers have been buying and using steroids and HGH, the scene--to say nothing of the title of her new album, "Growing Pains"--takes on ominous new implications:

Grammy-winning singer Mary J. Blige blasted a report Sunday night linking her and other A-list celebrities to doctors and pharmacists targeted in a statewide steroid investigation.

Blige was identified in the Albany Times Union Sunday as being among a handful of entertainers who have allegedly ordered performance-enhancing drugs in recent years.

"Mary J. Blige has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids," the singer's spokeswoman Karynne Tencer told the Daily News.

Records obtained by the Times Union indicate that between 2005 and 2007, Blige received multiple shipments of HGH and anabolic steroids from an Orlando pharmacy believed to be [Signature Compounding Pharmacy of Orlando].

The report claimed that Blige, 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean all allegedly had steroids or HGH sent to Long Island chiropractor Michael Diamond, an anti-aging consultant at the Clay Gym in Chelsea. Diamond, who has not been accused of wrongdoing, could not be reached.

It would have been naive of us to assume the comic-book-scaled heroes of hip-hop weren't getting a little performance enhancing help somewhere along the way. Still, that does little to diminish our shock that Blige, like an aging action star with a long-delayed sequel to shoot, may have been seduced by HGH and the unproven fountain-of-youth properties it's rumored to possess. Perhaps she was taking a queue from her musical hero, Aretha Franklin, whose increased proportions at this year's Kennedy Center Honors had some whispering that the Queen of Soul might herself be juicing up on roast beef sandwiches and gravy in order to hit those big notes out of the park.

• Mary J. Blige named in steroid report [NY Daily News]

Your Uncle Grambo spent a few days out on the Best Coast last week, trying to get a sense of what life is like on the ground out there these days (in a word, scary). I holed myself up at The Standard because, well, I've seen Ocean's 12 and I wanted to be as close to a potential Topher Grace meltdown as possible. But instead of staying out on The Strip, I thought it might be more adventurous to stay at The Standard's downtown LA location (notorious for its proximity to Skid Row, a choice place to score smack for Angelenos of all income levels). And after encountering two titans of the reality-television addiction format, Leif Garrett and Tom Sizemore, killing time there in just a four-day span, turns out I made the right choice.

My first encounter came when I spotted Leif at The Standard during a quick sojourn for lunch last Wednesday afternoon. As I walked downstairs to their yellow-accented diner to snarf down a quick sammy at approximately 2:15pm, I immediately recognized the `70s teen icon from his myriad appearances on Video Hits One. He was wearing the same bandana and same oppressively large sunglasses that he always wears on teevee. I recognized him right away, but being a semi-seasoned person when it comes to celebrity encounters, played it like I had no clue who he was. That is, until a voice bellowed across the room in my general direction, "Bro, how's that turkey panini?" I looked up from my sandwich and realized it was none other than Leif, asking me for an impromptu food review like I was a guest judge on Top Chef. I stammered out a quick response (I cannot tell a lie, it was a damn good sandwich), and Leif replied that his B-A-L-T-A (a BLT with avocado, hence the extra As) was "killer" and that I should order it the next time I come back. He then proceeded to get two phone calls in rapid succession, and quickly left the diner. Considering he got arrested for scoring drugs at Pershing Square (within walking distance of The Standard) less than two years ago, one would've figured that Leif would be avoiding the area, not rushing off to meet someone down in that `hood. Curious spice.

Next up was Tom Sizemore, last seeing co-starring with Katherine Heigl and leading "Zyzzyx Road" to a powerhouse $30 opening weekend. I spotted him on Saturday morning at the crisp hour of 5:45am (which is either REALLY early or REALLY late, depending), as I was hurriedly checking out of the hotel. He was wearing pink and black Zubaz pants and was carrying a teacup-sized dog of unknown origins. As dutifully patient and attentive hotel employees listened to Sizemore speedily prattle on (sample convo: "Youlikefootball? ILOVEfootball!! Ican'twaittowatchfootballlatertoday!!!"), I finally put two and two together and decided this story had more to it than just being another graf or two in this week's Privacy Watch. While I realize that two instances are just coincidence and it takes three events to make a a trend, I'm not betting against the possibility that I would've seen Brad Renfro wandering around the lobby had I stayed there a few more days. Here's hoping that both Leif and Tom were there to enjoy a meal / walk their dog (respectively) and not to reacquaint themselves with Mr. Brownstone.

What's left of Katie Holmes popped by the GMA studios this morning for a chat with host Diane Sawyer. Sure, this was all under the auspices of promoting Mad Money (opening Friday--but you knew that!), but that didn't mean all other topics were off limits.

After Diane noted that the two hadn't spoken since the first anniversary of the couples' fairy tale nuptials in Lake Braccianco, Holmes eyeballs instantly morphed into twirling spirals as she recalled the happiest day of her life, full of cherished memories like clutching her father one last time before walking down the aisle in tears; then spotting her eternal betrothed and finding herself magically "locked in." For contrast's sake, producers aired an interview in which Holmes's own mom recalled what a stubbornly independent toddler Katie was. Luckily, however, Suri shows no signs yet of independent thinking, but is instead a "delightful" child with an impressive vocabulary that began with first words "mama" and "dada," upon which "everything else" ("fetan," "zeenoo," etc...) quickly followed suit.

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Once of the great tragedies of last night's decimated Golden Globes was being deprived of the opportunity to watch Entourage's Jeremy Piven, one of Hollywood's most enthusiastic awards recipients, take the stage and toe the always-difficult line between obligatory humility and "I so deserved this! This fucking show is nothing but four stoned jackasses high-fiving in a booth at Les Deux without Ari Gold!" self-aggrandizement

Instead, we had to settle for Dateline's pre-announcement-show interview with the eventual Best Supporting TV actor winner, during which Piven, answering a question about the ostensible burden of going through life having to hug out every bitch who wants a taste of Gold's iconic agent-embrace, reminds America that he was "lucky enough" to be the creator of the catchphrase; accordingly, he doesn't mind accepting the back-slapping love of his adoring public, although it does make him slightly uncomfortable when the celebration of his genius creeps into his house of worship.

• Dateline NBC [Msnbc.com]

Following in the tragic and treacherous path of Prison Break actor Lane Garrison, currently serving a 40 month sentence for killing a Beverly Hills High School student on a DUI fun run, Roger Avary, the Academy Award-winning writer/director who's worked on Pulp Fiction, The Rules of Attraction, and most recently the Beowulf screenplay, now finds himself in his own living nightmare following a fatal accident early Sunday morning in Ojai. Here's the chain of events, according to the LAT:

· Avary was driving outside Ojai Lumber Co. building at 2:54 a.m Sunday when the accident occured.

· Avary's wife, Gretchen, 40, was ejected from the back seat. She was taken by paramedics to Ojai Valley Community Hospital, with injuries listed as "serious."

· Passenger Andreas Zedini, 34, of Italy, died at Ventura County Medical Center. Firefighters had to pull him from the wreckage.

· Avary was arrested on suspicion of felony driving under the influence and was booked into Ventura County Jail before he posted $50,000 bail.

This all amounts to a triple-decker shit sandwich for one of the founding fathers of the legendary Video Archives in Manhattan Beach. At this point we're just praying that Mrs. Avary pulls through OK.

• 'Pulp Fiction' co-writer arrested after fatal crash [LAT]

As you shake off the morning-after effects of your rollicking Golden Globes party--which consisted entirely of pounding cans of PBR and shouting obscenities at clueless NBC presenter Billy Bush every time he opened his mouth--take a look at the weekend's box office numbers:

1. The Bucket List - $19.540 million
Though many critics have dismissed the Jack Nicholson/Morgan Freeman dying-buddy flick as shameless, tear-jerking treacle, we found ourselves unexpectedly moved by the film. We'll even admit--more than a little sheepishly--to misting up at a late third-act plot twist we never saw coming [spoilers follow]:

While laying in bed in their shared hospital room, finally ready for death following the completion of their "bucket list," Freeman reveals to his globe-trotting partner that he is, in fact, God, and that if the anxious Nicholson will allow himself to drift off to sleep, he'll awaken the next morning completely cancer-free and ready to enjoy several more years of life. Nicholson, though skeptical at first, eventually accepts that his traveling companion is his Maker (there's even a knowing mention of Freeman's resemblance to the deity of Evan Almighty), closes his eyes, and is gently snoring within seconds. Convinced that he's safely asleep, Freeman rises, pillow in hand, and snuffs out his gullible roommate, whispering as Nicholson's arms quickly cease flailing, "You never should've fucking laughed at me for being afraid to jump out of that plane on our skydiving trip. Who's not so brave in the face of death now, you miserable old bastard?"

2. First Sunday - $19 million
Soon, the day will come when ascendant comedy superstar Tracy Morgan doesn't have to play third banana to the likes of Ice Cube and Katt Williams; perhaps he'll finally get a chance to see his name sit alone above the title once the much-clamored-for big-screen adaptation of Werewolf Bar Mitzvah gains some traction at Universal.

3. Juno - $14 million
With Juno's shutout at last night's Golden Globes, a panicking Fox Searchlight will redouble its promotional efforts to make sure Oscar voters don't also overlook their critical and box office darling. Academy members will soon receive a promotional package containing a plastic fetus (complete with fingernails) and a personal note from the precocious teenage mom pleading, "Honest to blog! Don't abort my Oscar dreams!'

4. National Treasure: Book of Secrets - $11.482 million
The Nic Cage blockbuster has now officially hung around the box office top 5 for so long that we have even less to offer in the way of commentary that we usually do; with nothing left to say, we instead direct you once again to the legendary clip of a bear-suited Cage delivering his brand of ursine justice to an unsuspecting female cult member in Wicker Man--this time dramatically set to the music from Chariots of Fire!

5. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $9.1 million
As long as we're on the subject, we'd love to see a clip of Justin Long, wearing that ridiculous Chipmunks sweater from his recent TRL appearance, cold-cocking his publicist for forcing him into such a humiliating promotional appearance.

• WEEKEND BOX OFFICE January 11-13, 2008 [Box Office Mojo]

Dateline NBC traded in their spy cams normally used for busting Predators (not the ones from space, mind you, the ones that live next door to you) for the Vaseline-gauzed lenses required to shoot Hollywood's biggest and brightest in a two-hour Golden Globe special that aired last night after that pathetically boring Globes presser. During an interview with the universally adored Amy Adams, The Today Show's resident vixen Natalie Morales made an uncomfortable shift from friendly fluffery to attack dog journo mode when she grilled Amy Adams about her, *gasp*, former career as a waitress at Hooters. We haven't seen two girls go at it like this since Wild Things.

In retrospect, we suppose it could've gone down a lot worse. Amy Adams is a true saint for not responding to Natalie Morales clear attempts at baiting her into a catfight (check out the overwhelming look of condecension on Morales' face after she says, "Oh, you had a good time doing that?"). But what we're wondering is this: other than attempting to embarrass Amy Adams on national television (subtext: "Was it fun being a ho?"), what exactly did Morales hope to accomplish with this line of questioning? We've spent hours trying to figure it out, and we can't come up with anything. All we know for sure is that not even Chris Hansen would have stooped this low.