Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Harry Potter Feeling A Right Tit, Likes A Beer Or Forty
1:48PM Clem Bastow | Looks as though Daniel Radcliffe is starting to put the ‘RAD’ into his name after years of looking slightly nervous and a little intense, with news he’s been living large in London this holiday season, copping birds and putting away lagers, thanks to his ever growing stash of Harry Potter cash.
Multi-millionaire Dan put his hand in his cloak and coughed up the best part of £500 for all his pals’ drinks.
A fellow clubber told me: “He paid for all the champagne and beers and told the club to supply his mates with anything they wanted. He was on top form and getting stuck in.
“He spent most of the night on the dance floor with two slim, well-spoken girls who were clearly impressed by his fame.
All well and good (especially since “impressed by his fame” sounds like the sort of metaphor the Picture story editors would come up with in their saucy stories pages), but there’s something about the photo mock-up The Sun made to accompany the piece that has had us giggling all day:
Lord – a new year, and already we’re no less easily amused than we were last year. It’s going to be a long one… More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: A New Year, A New Fracas
1:39PM Clem Bastow | A happy new year has brought with it more hapless adventures for Amy Winehouse (do you see what we attempted to do there?), as she returns from her holiday (more on that in a tic) to find that No Goot™ husband Blake Fielder-Civil has been sooking in jail – because she went away with her ex!
Yes, Winegums apparently jetted off to the tropics with George Roberts, her interim BF in between breaking-up with Fielder-Civil and then marrying him, and Flakey is spewing cold, prison chips.
Suck on it, zombie man!
Blake, 25, who is on remand in Pentonville prison for alleged assault and conspiracy to pervert the course of justice, was already said to be jealous of Amy’s close relationship with George.
Amy prepares for a tearful reunion with her husband as she jets back to England but a friend of the Balke said: “He is furious she was with George while he was locked up.
“She has lapped up the sun while he’s been on his own feeling miserable.
“He doesn’t like her friendship with George as it is. Being in jail, he feels more and more detached from Amy.
“He also wants an explanation, but he’s desperate not to lose her.”
It has recently been reported that the jailbird has been put into solitary confinement after guards discovered his had been drinking homemade prison hooch and making calls on a banned mobile phone.
Nice work, Blake! What next, shooting birds with your homemade air rifle and pulling the fingernails off kindly-yet-misguided inmates who were locked up for nothing more than credit card fraud?
In the meantime, don’t get too excited – George and Amy are just pals – but we’re happy to see her looking even remotely healthy and full of beans (instead of full of junk). Here’s hoping! More » 
The Age’s Online Spies Roughly 14 Months Behind The Interwebs Zeitgeist
11:26AM Clem Bastow | As you will have worked out from our regular ‘YouTube Clip Of The Day’ features, we’re as big fans of silly online nonsense as the next person. However, save for some occasional ‘greatest hits’ type posts, we try to keep our fingers on the pulse of whatever viral LULZ are circulating at that particular time.
Not so the online team at The Age, who are loath to step into the new year and are instead giving front-page coverage to a video from no less than 14 months ago (and more, if you count the fact it was probably uploaded on EbaumsWorld.com a year before that):
From TheAge.com.au’s front page:
From YouTube:
We understand; it is a very cute (if slightly alarming for the pre-coital connotations of the original Grease routine as performed by a woman and a dog) video – but coming from the “Newspaper Of The Year”? We want fresh webz!
ED: I cannot help but feel we’ve just opened ourselves up to some YouTube Clip Of The Day critiques, Clam Bastow. In the meantime, we’ve got this HILARIOUS video of a dancing baby you’ve gotta see! Will post in a moment… More » 
Billie Incurs Wrath Of New Family With ‘No Kids’ Wedding
11:17AM Clem Bastow | Nothing like a wedding to bring people together in harmony (read: send all sides of the family to their respective corners, foaming at the mouths and baying for fresh human blood)!
Our girl Billie Piper just had her wedding to dapper young acting gent Lawrence Fox and, in perhaps the most shattering news of the new celebrity year, his uncle Robert – brace yourselves – DID NOT COME.
It seems Uncy Rob was pissed off by Billie’s – perfectly run-of-the-mill, based on weddings we’ve attended upon occasion – request that children stay home from the all-night boozer (incidentally held at ex-husband Chris Evans’ pub). It should also be noted that Uncle Robert is not, in fact, a child himself.
His official excuse was that he was out of the country.
But a friend informs me: “The truth was, Robert was actually at his home in Shepherd’s Bush. He and his wife decided not to go after being told their children were not welcome.”
Oh wah, wah, wah!
Haven’t they ever heard of the phrase “my day, my way”? It’s Billie’s call, dudes, and to a lesser extent, the call of the bloke she’s marrying.
Someone needs to buy the Fox clan a box-set of Bridezillas, stat. More » 
Our Nic Now Officially “With Child” – Nation Celebrates, Etc!
11:06AM Jess McGuire | Good news, readers! Finally proving the gossip rags right (well, two years of continuously screaming “SHE’S PREGNANT” ensured they were bound to be correct eventually), it seems Nicole Kidman is indeed expecting her first child with Keith Urban.
Nicole Kidman and husband Keith Urban are expecting their first child, her rep confirms.
“The couple are thrilled,” Catherine Olim says in a statement.
For Kidman, this will be her third child. She and her former husband, Tom Cruise adopted two children during their marriage: Isabella, now 15, and Connor, 12.
Awww. Finally, the foolproof “Keith Urban’s hand hovering protectively around a belly” pregnancy test has delivered the goods! We look forward to the pappz taking plenty of snaps of the aforementioned hand guarding the unborn Kidman-Urban spawn while it bulks up “in utero” over the next few months. More » 
Golden Globes Ceremony Canceled (For Real This Time)
10:35AM Defamer Hollywood | OK, now we can consider the Golden Globes ceremony officially killed, as the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has abandoned the bizarre , clusterfucky news-special-and-party-report scheme floated earlier today in favor of a news conference (televised by NBC) that will replace the boozy dinner-and-statuettes orgy we’ve all come to know and tolerate as we impatiently await the Oscars. (For the moment at least, let’s not further darken our moods by speculating about What This Means for the Academy Awards. Fine–count to ten before commencing the doomsaying.) HFPA president Jorge Camara offers this heartwrenching obituary for his beloved event: “We are all very disappointed that our traditional awards ceremony will not take place this year and that millions of viewers worldwide will be deprived of seeing many of their favorite stars celebrating 2007’s outstanding achievements in motion pictures and television. We take some comfort, however, in knowing that this year’s Golden Globe Award recipients will be announced on the date originally scheduled.” [Variety] More »
Scientologists Do Not Have Tapes Of Tom Making Nicole Call Him “Xenu” While Wearing Conor’s Baseball Uniform
10:30AM Clem Bastow | We’re sure everyone got excited by Andrew Morton’s claims – in his new Tom Cruise biography, which, it need not be said, is well and truly unauthorised (our favourite kind) – that the Scientologists keep an extensive library of tapes containing debriefings about their charges’ sex lives, since it would mean we’d finally know the alieny truth about Tom and Nicole’s marriage.
Sadly for everyone, The Church Of Scientology has put paid to the claims, so we’ll just have to wait until that private investigator we all chipped $5 in for someone else purges those skeletons from the closet of the former Kidman-Cruises.
“It’s all lies and it’s completely gross to even suggest it,” said the Australian head of the church, Vicki Dunstan, in defending Scientology’s highest-profile recruit.
Celebrity muckraker Andrew Morton’s explosive new book on Cruise claims the church taped Kidman’s final “audit” session, which focused on her sex life with Cruise.
Morton’s book claims Kidman feared details of the tape would be leaked if she spoke against the church after the couple’s 10-year relationship ended in January 2001.
While both Kidman, in Sydney with second husband Keith Urban, and Cruise have not commented, the Church of Scientology came out fighting yesterday.
Audit sessions were not taped, said Ms Dunstan, a minister of the church, which has 140,000 members in Australia, including businessman James Packer and singer Kate Cerebrano.
An “audit” is akin to a Catholic confessional.
Similar to Catholic confession? If you consider “Jesus” to be just another name for an alien warlord who likes to make moon bases underneath volcanos.
But hang on – just because the audits weren’t taped, doesn’t mean they didn’t contain some juicy deets! Someone needs to kidnap that particular auditor and give them some hardcore hypnotherapy.
Remember… Reeemeeeemmmberrrr… More » 
Leave Britney Alone Guy Abandons His Leaving-Britney-Alone Mission
10:15AM Defamer Hollywood | We’d normally apologize in advance for inflicting the above video upon you, but, when you think about it, aren’t we all at least partially to blame for its existence? Think of the three-and-a-half minutes of your life you’re about to sacrifice as penance for the Leave Britney Alone Guy phenomenon. These are probably not never-nude actress Elisha Cuthbert’s bare breasts. Still, you will click. [Link NSFW] How long do you think it will take for this enormous LCD TV to make its way from CES in Vegas to some producer’s living room, to which he’ll lure a desperate actress with the promise of getting a look at his “108-inch monster”? Supermodel-turned-political-correspondent Naomi Campbell got Hugo Chavez to name Fidel Castro The Most Stylish Despot in the World. The other Big Lebowksi sells real esate locally. More »
The Only Thing That Looks Good On Elle Isn’t Bryan Adams, Evidently
9:55AM Clem Bastow | Our initial title for this piece was “Elle dumps Bryan Adams? Who knew they were even going out!” but we decided not to give our already shaky celeb gossip egos the battering.
Anyway, it turns out The Body has been dating Hans Moleman Canadia’s favourite moderate-rocker-turned-celebrity-photographer, and has decided she’s had enough of his womanising ways after he was found to be wining and dining Bond girls.
Womanising ways? Who knew Bryan Adams etc, etc…
Macpherson’s friends were shocked when they saw the 48-year-old musician out with Casino Royale star Caterino Murino in London shortly before Christmas.
The supermodel promptly dumped Adams and axed their plans to spend Christmas holidaying in Sydney with her two sons, Flynn, nine, and Cy, four.
“Bryan tried to play down everything, but confirmed his night out,” a friend of Macpherson’s told the News of the World.
“Elle hit the roof and dumped him.”
Even more hilariously surprising is the news that Adams has apparently been trying to help Amy Winehouse kick her drugs and booze habits while holidaying in the Caribbean.
Taking arty soft-focus nudie photos, chasing tail, acting as a detox sponsor, composing melodically pleasing mid-’90s stadium ballads – is there anything Bryan Adams can’t do? More » 
