Oh, what the hell: Defamer videographer Molly McAleer was up to capture the live feed, we're up to blog it--and this Fox News helicopter cameraman's voice has become our new best friend, helpfully pointing out where one of the Van Halenses live, and trenchantly observing, "Look at this....look- look- look- look at that. That is insanity!" upon witnessing the swarm of paparazzi trailing the ambulance containing a Britney Under the Influence. OK, we really need some sleep before cops show up to make us give up our two kids--and we don't even have any.

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In a riveting turn of events in the ongoing Spears-Federline custody saga that's all but certain to push the name Jamie Lynn to the tabloid sidelines for a minimum of two publishing cycles, the "Gimme More" singer's stubborn refusal to relinquish her two children led to a four-hour police showdown at her home tonight, requiring the presence of several squad cars, firetrucks, a helicopter and an ambulance--the last of which carted her off on a gurney to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. (Footage courtesy of myfoxla.com, accompanied by running commentary from a cameraman whose gripes of having to "follow this frickin' thing to the hospital" suggest he may not have been entirely aware his audio was being broadcast throughout the internets.)

Authorities have now confirmed that Spears was "under the influence of an unknown substance" when they arrived, perhaps after the singer's sudden and utterly inconsistent interest in her children suggested she may have been experiencing the powerful, neglectful-mind-altering effects of a controlled intoxicant. Both children are reportedly now in K-Fed's care, the elder demanding to know "why mommy's eyes look like big, black M&M's, daddy?" More on this stunning turn of events tomorrow, as Britney Spears-Police-Showdown -Custody-Disaster- Under-the-InfluenceGate (we promise to come up with a catchier title by then) continues...

• Britney Spears Taken to Hospital after Custody Dispute at Her Home [myfoxla.com]
• Brit's Kids Are Safe, She's Under the Influence! [TMZ]

We heard this delightful anecdote from a rock and roll veteran mate over the Christmas period, but cannot - for legal reasons... DAMN OUR DECEPTIVE TITLE! - actually give the names of the people involved. Still, we kinda enjoyed it and if you can work out who we're talking about with our rubbish clues, then kudos to you.

Picture it. Musical heyday of both stars involved - so we're talking a long time ago. The ladies are in a bathroom together. Famous American music star, proving she wasn't all talk when it came to her ability to empathise with another, helpfully lends Famous Australian music star a tampon.

Awww. But we should be moving along.

Friendship cemented, they then decided to smoke some crack.

LIBRA FLEUR + CRACK PIPE = BFFS!

When news broke yesterday that the moviegoers of this great nation of ours had voted Lindsay Lohan's dead-stripper turn in "I Know Who Killed (My Career)" as the single worst performance of Anno Domini 2007, our reaction was laced with both sadness and shock. Sadness because we all long for days when the frecklecrotched wonder's biggest problem was her slightly jiggly thighs, shock because we could think of no fewer than six and no greater than seven performances that were CLEARLY worse than Lindsay's. What follows, dear friends, is that list (in descending order, no less)!

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· Finally, someone out there appreciates a certain actress's important contributions to cinema. (Though it should be noted that last year's recipient of that Capri Hollywood International Film Festival award was Hayley Duff.)
· Our Cruz sisters lesbian incest make-out fantasy has officially been ruined.
· Conan O'Brien, Rock Band superstar.
· Ed Helms teaches McLovin about why voting is important.

Predating the rest of the tabloid-come-latelys by many decades has given rack-based supermarket literature giant National Enquirer the clear advantage in the art of front-page editing:

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In a prestigious delegation sure to keep his newly single nose out of trouble as he recovers from his failed marriage, Sean Penn has been dispatched to the topless-French-whore-filled beaches of Cannes to head up the awards jury of that French resort city's annual film festival:

Penn said in a statement "that a new generation of filmmaking may have begun," citing "increasingly thoughtful, provocative, moving, and imaginative films by talented filmmakers" in what appeared to be "a rejuvenation of cinema building worldwide."

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Easily the biggest news that came out of Wednesday's mass return to the airwaves by late-night's long-sidelined talk-show hosts was the unexpected appearance of David Letterman and Conan O'Brien's competing Strike Beards, a solidarity-signifying facial hair trend so hot that the clean-shaven visages of Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel now seem to indicate a conspicuous lack of support for the hosts' still-picketing writing staffs. (The embattled Carson Daly, we've been told, plans to smash his trusty Norelco electric shaver on his next show in an attempt to prove his commitment to the WGA cause, no matter how unflattering the resulting patchy growth may be.)

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Though WGA member Jay Leno seemed to think that writing his own monologue on last night's Tonight Show wasn't flouting the Guild's strike guidelines, the union this afternoon announced via this terse public statement that it had a little heart-to-heart with the host about the matter: "A discussion took place today between Jay Leno and the Writers Guild to clarify to him that writing for The Tonight Show constitutes a violation of the Guilds' strike rules."

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Though we've already awarded victory in last night's Return of Late Night TV talk-show wars to Conan O'Brien, whose downy Strike Beard simultaneously displayed solidarity with his absent writing staff and offered comfort to millions of fans anxious about how Hollywood's labour unrest affects the Masturbating Bear's ability to release the painful tension in his ursine nether-regions, we think it's important that everyone be provided with an opportunity to make up their own minds about whether the jokes scripted by Guild scribes were actually more successful than ones delivered by hosts forced to generate their own material. To that end, Gawker Media video operative Richard Blakeley whipped up this montage (click the above thumbmail to view) allowing you to compare their parallel efforts at entertaining America. Enjoy.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View's token right-wing punching bag, will on Monday return to the couch she was forced to abandon by the seemingly endless pregnancy that recently resulted in new son Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And she's bringing the kid to the show! And they're going to have an entire fucking hour of Hot Topics! And there will be a BIG TICKET ITEM GIVEAWAY! If Hasselbeck had been dragging the freshly delivered baby Jesus Himself into the studio for a televised playdate with Aunties Whoopi, Sherri, Barbara, and Joy, the show could hardly have prepared a more exciting celebration in His honor. [CNN.com]

Having only recently recovered from the news that Dumbledore is gay, we've now stumbled upon yet another bombshell regarding a prominent wizard's membership in a frequently persecuted, Hollywood-running minority--for Harry Potter, it turns out, is Jewish:

Daniel Radcliffe, who has captivated moviegoers as the bespectacled schoolboy wizard in the Harry Potter films, has donated the first pair of glasses he wore as a child to an exhibition marking the horrors of the Holocaust. [...]

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While we were otherwise occupied last night obsessively running a fine-tooth comb through every late-night-host's facial hair configuration, tapping out the contents on a stark white surface, and drawing our observations accordingly, we managed to miss a new Project Runway. Thanks to the modern age miracle of DVRs, however, and the no-less miraculous video-digesting talents of Molly McAleer, we were able to pretty much fill in the blanks:

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Awww, look who's getting hitched...

Wedding bells could be in the air for red carpet regulars Kate Waterhouse and Luke Ricketson, with reports filing in to Confidential that he is planning to pop the question.

Rumours the footy fella had planned to propose first surfaced last month, but friends have since revealed he was waiting until the end of January.

Hang on - he hasn't actually proposed yet? Hmmm. Brilliant work, "friends" - informing Sydney Confidential and ruining the surprise ought to secure you a sweet seat at the reception.

Are the SydCon gang giving away gift bags or something for tips? What with the Cameron Williams Leaves A Bar! exclusive from the other day, and now Luke Ricketson May Get Engaged At Some Point! leak to our soul brothers and sisters at the Daily Telegraph, we're wondering just what they're offering to get stories. Annalise Braakensiek calenders? Signed photos of Russell Crowe wandering the streets of Woolloomooloo with Charlie and Tennyson in tow? WE WANT IN.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA FACT BARELY RELATING TO THE STORY ABOVE! Back in 2005, we were wandering back from the pub to a famous Hot Rock Photogroper's digs with a group of friends when we walked past Luke Ricketson and Anthony Minichiello wrestling on the street. They made a suggestive comment about partying with the ladies in the posse, and our smart mouthed leggy blonde Hot Rock Lady Photogroper friend Cybele shot back quick as a flash "You guys look like you're gaying it up quite happily by yourselves", resulting in the pair looking mildly confused then incredibly self-conscious (well, Minichiello at least - it was hard to see Ricketson's face, what with Minichiello's body covering most of it).

How bad have things gotten for Aspen-based paparazzi? The town, long Hollywood's preferred mountain refuge from the bustle of L.A., is apparently been so drained of celebrity quarry that its once-proud guerrilla-photographer population has been forced to eke out a meager existence by stalking the likes of Goldie Hawn, who gripes, "They've come into our little town and they really have done their job: They've shooed us out." [Breitbart.com]

· Overcoming the apparently mild inconvenience of putting on shows without their striking writers, Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien still triumphed over fully staffed talk-show rivals David Letterman and Craig Ferguson in Wednesday night's Nielsen battle. In fairness to the WGA-approved programs, however, it should be noted that many viewers might have chosen to tune in to Leno out of irresistible curiosity about how unfunny the host would be on his own. [THR]
· Though the Golden Globes briefly harbored hope that the Writers Guild might give them a waiver for their rapidly approaching awards show, the WGA isn't going to cut them a break and still plans to picket. [Variety]

· In a move sure to broaden the film's appeal among urban audiences but which probably won't be met with approval by hard-core fanboys, Tyler Perry has joined the cast of JJ Abrams' Star Trek, in which he'll play the sassy, fat-suited grandmother figure who runs Starfleet Academy. [THR]
· THR declares the record-setting 2007 The Year Of The Thrilling Threequel, noting that four of last year's 10 top-grossing films were no-brainer third installments of established blockbuster franchises. [THR]
· Meanwhile, the grosses for "specialty" films were down 4% in 2007, which couldn't rely on the public's insatiable appetite for pirates and superheroes to spur them to box office heights. [Variety]

In a shocking snippet of video evidence that literally knocked the wind right out of us, TMZ's worldwide sober-starlet-trailing operation (we imagine it like something out of Bourne Ultimatum, with Harvey Levin in a Joan Allen wig barking orders at a tightly wound team parked at hi-tech monitoring terminals) has captured a stunning New Year's Eve relapse that could have direct implications on your children's safety:

That's right, Robertson Blvd. panhandler Lindsay Lohan was captured swigging from a bottle of champagne as Italian revelers frolicked around her, clearly oblivious to the Jekyll and Hyde V.I.P. transformation that even a single drop of the sugary libation would cause upon touching her lips, sending the reinvigorated party monster into the streets for a Fiat to hijack in a desperate search for a pair of coke-laden capris.

• TMZ Confirms, Lohan Slips on Sobriety [TMZ]

CRIME LIBRARY

We can vouch for this one personally - we’ve spent ridiculous amounts of time trawling through Crime Library’s archives, learning more than we ever wanted to know about high profile murder cases (and less famous but equally traumatic tales of death). It is strangely compelling but also - unsurprisingly - horrifying. Be warned: when we originally kicked off our dalliance with Crime Library back in 2004, we began having nightmares on a regular basis and our then partner placed a ban on the website in order to ensure a decent night’s sleep. STILL, DON’T LET THAT STOP YOU! It’s a time waster, and that’s what counts.

(cries quietly)

NB: Defamer Australia’s Guide To Post-Holiday Interweb Procrastination will feature a delightfully varied bunch of websites, some pop culture related, and others - like the above - not so pop cultural. Nevertheless, they'll come in handy when it comes to wiling away those long hours at the office where nothing is actually happening during Dull January.

A helpful MUNI-station artiste in San Francisco wanted to make sure there would be no confusion when it came to Sylvester Stallone's much-anticipated upcoming release: You'll be catching Rambo, the tale of a jungle mercenary eviscerating the Burmese with a machine gun and machete, not Rimbaud, the tale of a 19th century French gay poet whose life was already committed to film by a young Leonardo DiCaprio in Total Eclipse. Clearer now? [Slash Film]

In a stunning Romcom Release-Date Push-Back Exclusive, usmagazine.com is reporting that Katherine Heigl's hotly unanticipated Knocked Up feature film follow-up, 27 Candles Dresses, will be opening on January 18, not January 11, as had been previously scheduled. A Fox "insider" offered a suspiciously sanguine, "The movie played so well at public sneak previews on December 27 that it was decided just last night to move it back a week to take advantage of the holiday weekend." Skeptics that we are when it comes to an anonymous studio flack's pom-pom waving, we're wondering if the extra week isn't instead for them to add some 11th hour footage of Heigl's head being blown off by an unseen, fire-belching beast, the better to position the film opposite Paramount's Godzilla-sized offering, Cloverfield. [usmagazine.com]

Kudos to Focus Features' marketing department for injecting some sex into Atonement's For Your Consideration ad campaign by choosing this signature image of Keira Knightley, in which the actress emerges sopping wet from her family estate's fountain in a clingy, see-through slip, as the one that best represents the candidacy of both their critically beloved literary adaptation and director Joe Roth. Sure, the awe-inspiring tracking shot of a war-torn Dunkirk might have been an option that more vividly illustrated Roth's technical skills, but sometimes voters just want to break up the monotony of flipping though the trades by gawking at half-naked ladies.

Should the ad generate the expected positive response, look for Focus to take out a two-page spread promoting artsy Ang Lee fuckfest Lust, Caution with a collage of the complicated, physically punishing sexual positions into which the celebrated filmmaker twisted his awards-worthy talent.

[Ad via THR Digital Edition]

While high-profile Barack Obama supporters like George Clooney have publicly fretted about how too many showbiz endorsements might taint their candidate in the heartland and offered to support him from a safe distance, new Obamamania cheerleader Scarlett Johansson threw such caution to the wind yesterday, delivering a fifteen minute (!) speech in Iowa that removed all doubt about which Democratic candidate has the support of Hollywood's bustiest, most politically active ingenues. [Open All Night Via Jezebel]

Seemingly suffering from the same cash-flow problems that would afflict any recovering addict who spends the time he or she should be earning a paycheck pinballing between rehab stints, thrice-dried-out struggling actress Lindsay Lohan is apparently doing whatever it takes to make ends meet during some lean times that show no signs of imminent improvement. Having recently been accused of trying to cut herself in on potentially lucrative photo opportunities that usually enrich only paparazzi agencies and the tabloids, according to Gatecrasher, Lohan may now be reaching out to friends--both of the personal and corporate varieties--for her mad money:

A pal of the cash-strapped actress tells us she has been openly asking friends for spending money.

A separate source tell us Ariva - the quit-smoking tobacco lozenge she has been unofficially promoting - paid her a sum in the mid-five figures this week.

Officially, Ariva reps have denied it is paying Lohan - possibly because of all the recent paparazzi pics of her smoking.

Even if Lohan's primary sources of income are indeed derived from exploiting the generosity of her pals and tapping the alternative advertising budgets of lozenge-based anti-smoking concerns, at least she hasn't quite yet hit rock bottom. We'll know she's truly in trouble when she starts to turn up at the Chateau Marmont, the high-end flophouse where she formerly killed time between stays at pricey, bank-account-draining rehabilitation centers, passing a hat she purloined from a W photo shoot to strangers in hopes they'll help finance a lifestyle-sustaining shopping spree. Then again, things may never descend to that level, as the recent comprehensive coverage of her hook-up binge in Capri could indicate she's once again reached out to the paparazzi, finding a new way to monetize the only still-vital part her personal brand.

• Lindsay Lohan in poor new role [Gatecrasher]