Monday, December 17, 2007
Our Nic Delights The Tattooed Tuff Guys Of Sydney
12:36PM Clem Bastow | Browsing through the News Ltd gallery of shots featuring the Sydney premiere of The Golden Compass and Nicole Kidman’s tight, silver pant-suit, we couldn’t help but be delighted by this photo and its accompanying caption:
The sheer joy on the face of “That Guy” (on the far left, in case you couldn’t work it out), who seems to have had Our/His Nic sign a Weetbix cricket card, is enough to bring Christmas cheer to the whole country for at least the next two-and-a-half hours. More » 
Nicole Sniffs The Sweet Smell Of “Substantial” Legal Payout
10:10AM Clem Bastow | Remember how Nicole Kidman got crazy with the legal cheez wiz and slapped Britain’s Daily Telegraph with a lawsuit after they claimed that she (a Chanel No.5 spokesmodel) was splashing on Jo Malone’s White Jasmine & Mint like so much Holy water?
Well, Our Nic’s powerful team of legal superheroes won out on the day and the Tele has to cough up.
Her solicitor, John Kelly, told judge Mr Justice David Eady at London’s High Court this morning that the article “falsely alleged that she had put the nose of her employer, Chanel, out of place by attending press junkets all over London with a bottle of Jo Malone, her ‘favourite perfume’, close at hand”.
…He said that in addition to the apology the Telegraph had agreed to pay her “substantial undisclosed damages” and all of her legal costs.
Kidman intends to donate her damages to UNIFEM, the United Nations Development Fund for Women.
David Price, for Telegraph, added: “Through me the defendant sincerely apologises to the claimant for the distress and embarrassment this article has caused. It accepts that the allegations are untrue and ought never to have been published.”
The Tele staff were then ordered, en masse, to go and sit in the corner and have a good think about what they’d done to that nice Australian lady whose face never moves above the bridge of her nose.
Nicole Kidman was later seen in the dunnies at the Ritz, wiping her bum with $100 notes. More » 
Posh: “Yes, That Is Really My Husband’s Monster Knob”
9:35AM Clem Bastow | In case we haven’t made it abundantly clear through our time with you, we love Posh and Becks. Their book – Posh & Becks: Talking – is one of the most fabulously brain-free reads in history; they’re so stupid they’re almost Zen or something.
And yet, at the same time we can’t help but feel as though they – or at least Posh – have a healthy grasp of irony in spite of themselves.
To wit, Victoria Beckham’s response to hubby David’s, er, confronting print campaign for Armani underwear (highlight pictured above, just in case you’d forgotten it):
Gossips spreading rumours about the size of her husband’s tackle can just put a sock in it – Posh says her Goldenballs is all man!
Saucy Posh, back in Blighty for the UK leg of the Spice Girls comeback tour, smirked at questions about David Beckham’s Armani photo, telling her favourite showbiz column: “He’s massive, isn’t he?”
Taking her kids ice-skating in London’s Hyde Park yesterday, Victoria, 33, was keen to set the record straight about the size of her hubby’s manhood before she takes to the stage.
Hahaha! “He’s massive, isn’t he?”! Really, we know she reckons she’s Posh ‘n’ everything, but (not so) deep down, Mrs Beckham is just another good time girl from the ‘burbs, isn’t she?
If the Spicies do come good on their rumoured Melbourne concert, we’d like to take this opportunity to offer her a night on the tiles with us. More » 
Hugh Grant Is Still Feeling A Tit
9:35AM Clem Bastow | Poor old Hugh Grant; how the mighty have fallen from adorably floppy-haired, bumbling romantic comedy superstar – with a brief foray into not-so-adorably floppy-haired yet undeniably sexy cads – to something more closely resembling your sleazy uncle Frank.
First there was the dorm full of barely-legals, now he’s been spotted out with a lady whose demeanour suggests he never quite got over Divine Brown. In short, Hugh, his “lady friend” – and another mystery bloke! – got up to a bit of hanky panky at the dinner table on a night out, feeling each other up (not to mention Hugh having his fingers sucked), much to the dismay of their fellow diners.
Witnesses described the 47-year-old’s behaviour as “disgusting”, saying he appeared intoxicated but aware of the other man’s actions. Hannah Crow, a 30-year-old fashion buyer, told London’s The Mirror newspaper: “Hugh and the girl were completely going for it. It was brazen. But he didn’t seem to care.
“Weirdly, the other guy tried to appear as if he wasn’t doing anything.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. It wasn’t normal.”
When quizzed about his late-night behaviour, Grant told journalists through his intercom to “F*** off”.
“F–k off”? That’s the spirit, Hugh old chap!
Though to be honest, he probably meant to say something like “F–k off, this bird’s chewing my fingers while standin on a bag of oranges wearing Cottontails and calling me ‘a very naughty boy’! I’m almost there you idiots!”
Did you enjoy that little vision for your Monday morning coffee? You can thank us later. More » 
Hold Your Horses, Kylie Does Not Want Aboriginal Baby After All
9:20AM Clem Bastow | Remember way back when this story about Kylie Minogue looking to adopt an “Aboriginal baby” surfaced?
Well, wouldn’t you know, turns out they were probably mostly rubbish.
We’re as shocked as you that the News Of The World allowed such a flimsy story to run, but we guess we all have to grow up sometime.
Minogue, 39, who has successfully resumed her pop career after beating breast cancer, told Madison magazine’s January edition she believed the incorrect reports of her adoption plans originated with the United Kingdom’s News of the World.
“There’s so much noise and waffle about me and my future family,” she told the magazine, which is on sale tomorrow.
“But if asked if I’d like to have a family I say, yes, I would love to some day.
“We’ll see if and how that might happen.”
Is anyone actually that surprised? News Of The World’s last story on Our Kyles involved her being the head of a cosmic cult planning a mass suicide in time for the next visit of the Hale-Bopp Comet, whose massed shares in Kool Aid and Tickle Me Elmo Inc. gave them away to a canny stock watcher.
Or, you know, maybe it was something about her hairdo; we forget so often these days! More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Caught By The Fuzz
9:10AM Clem Bastow | With husband Blake Fielder-Civil in the clink for attempting to pervert the course of justice (or something, maybe just for his own good), it was probably only a matter of time ’til the filth came looking for Winegums – which is precisely what they seem to be planning.
Because, you know, did Blake come up with that massive wad of bribe cash down at the slots? What with the way Winegums blindly stands by her man, we won’t be surprised if she does turn out to be involved in some way. Really, it would be a fitting end to the year.
The star has been ordered to present herself to detectives this week to be quizzed over accusations she may have been involved in the scheme for which her hubby is awaiting trial.
Blake and five other men were charged last month with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.
But, cops have now turned their attentions to Amy, confiscating her mobile phone records, bank details and computer software which could provide evidence of the star’s alleged involvement in the plot.
Here’s hoping all they find are a whole lot of receipts for Medium Quarter Pounder McValue Meals and boxes of icypoles, and the number of a few “harmless” crack dealers. More » 