Friday, December 14, 2007

James Blunt’s Itunes “Celebrity Playlist” Reveals Him To Be Even More Boring Than We First Thought

3:30PM Clem Bastow | We’ve never been fans of James Blunt. The loathsome crooner got our hackles up with his whiney, stalkery debut, You’re Beautiful, and continued to annoy us with every move. Whether it was his mopey AOR ballads, his tales of “enjoying” driving a tank during his service, or his endless parade of schtupped models, there wasn’t much he did that didn’t effectively make us hate him even more. Until now, that is. The iTunes Store has a ‘Celebrity Playlist’ feature, in which your favourite artists pick their favourite choons, in an effort to delight/educate/amaze you. Most of them are good, but Blunt’s… well, let’s just say his eloquence makes Your Beautiful’s lyrics look like a Shakespeare sonnet. Some highlights: Death Cab For Cutie – I Will Follow You Into The Dark: Death Cab are on the same label as me, Atlantic Records. Beck – Loser: My Producer, Tom Rothrock, also produced this Beck track. And, our personal favourite: America – Horse With No Name: Mean not to give it a name. We’re not usually in the market for emoticons, but really, there’s only one thing we can think to say: : | More »

Nanny Makes Jordan Pay

3:05PM Clem Bastow | Despite what her repeated OK! appearances with Harvey, Princess and The Other One may suggest, Jordan aka Katie Price isn’t a full-time stay-at-home mum. Like most “stars”, she relies on the assistance of nannies. And, after making the mistake of a) sacking one, b) sacking her on air on her reality program, and c) humiliating her as well, Jordan’s set to cough up the mad bux to her ex-employee. Jordan has been ordered to pay her nanny £4,000 compensation – after humiliatingly sacking her on TV. Viewers saw her stuffing Rebecca Gauld’s possessions into a bin bag on ITV2’s The Baby Diaries – which documented the birth of third child Princess Tiaamii. Rebecca, 25 – fired from her £250-a-week job in a row over time off on holiday – was kicked out of a cottage she lived in which was attached to the busty model’s luxury pad in Oxley, Surrey. A bin bag! How humiliating! Personally, we’d have been more concerned if Gauld had revealed that Jordan used to make her ride in the Swarovski crystal pumpkin carriage while making horse noises or something like that. Because you just know that sort of freaky shit goes on for sure in the Andre-Price household. More »

Natalie Bassingthwaighte Multiple Choice Quiz!

11:38AM Jess McGuire | Which of the following statements did Rogue Traders frontwoman Natalie Bassingthwaighte allegedly confide in a chum regarding her collaboration with Shannon Noll for the 2006 charity single and brutal musical rape of Don’t Give Up? Was it - a) “I feel like we did a really good job in picking up where Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush left off.” b) “Well that was a fucking lapse in judgment, wasn’t it?” c) “In retrospect, perhaps That’s What Friends Are For would have been a better choice.” We bloody love Natalie Bassingthwaighte. And, if the comments to the above YouTube video are to be believed, we’re not the only ones. Highlights include - * i like the lady very much she is gorgeous and i really want her to be my life partner. * now honestly what guy would not want to be stranded with natalie ummm in an elevator in winter with limited clothing cuz some other freak of nature somehow removed your clothing.. and yeah your their for 24hrs.. nice * I want to have anal sex with Natalie Bassingthwaite. * were dose your mothr live. are you the onley child\ is there any more of family Well, we can probably scrap that last one from the list. More »

Channel Nine: More Bonings Than An Annabel Chong Get-together

11:20AM Clem Bastow | Those champs over at Chez Nine just keep kicking goals, with news that they’ve “boned” yet another station employee, this time newsreader Majella Weimers. We were initially inclined to think that it was merely the fact that, in a non-ratings period, people usually come and go, and Nine were just unlucky to have sent a few others on their way recently, hence making it look like they were in a frenzy of sackings – until we saw the reason they’d given. In short, the Nine news boss “doesn’t like blondes.” Weimers, who stepped in when regular weather presenter Jaynie Seal went on maternity leave, is understood to have stormed out of Nine on Wednesday afternoon immediately after hearing her contract would not be extended beyond December 31. Producers were left to scramble together scripts for Mark Ferguson to cover the forecast but Weimers is believed to have cooled off since and bravely fronted for both the afternoon and evening bulletins yesterday. A Nine spokeswoman told Confidential Weimers was advised to have the afternoon off by news director Ian Cook, who did the boning. The decision has angered her colleagues, with one news staffer saying the decision was because news boss “(John) Westacott doesn’t like blondes”. “It’s really sad she’s going and is such a nice girl,” the insider said yesterday. “She can produce, report and present and does her job well. They’re getting rid of her, so what does that say?” Less than two weeks after reporter Christine Spiteri was sacked and allegedly told “with a surname like Spiteri you should try SBS”. And this followed the infamous “boning” of former Today show host Jessica Rowe. With all these bonings happening it’s a wonder Nine haven’t changed their official slogan to “Still In Priapisms” or “Cum On In, The Water’s Fine At Nine”. Somewhere, Eddie McGuire is giggling to himself and saying “boned” in a manner befitting a 12-year-old boy. More »

Things Looking Even Better For Spice Girls’ Tour As Baby Spice Busts Her Foot

11:11AM Clem Bastow | The whole Spice Girls reunion tour thing is really starting to take on a smell of death; first Fay Weldon laid into them (with good reason), then the arenas started emptying out, and now this: Emma “Baby Spice” Bunton has buggered things up by tripping and hurting her foot. They are claiming that the show will go on, but they have already cancelled one pre-record and now fans are feeling uneasy, what with SEVENTEEN shows coming up in the UK. Good one, Emma. You should think long and hard about how this is going to affect everyone else, and when you’ve had a think about it, then you can have some pudding. Baby Spice took a tumble on stage, spraining her ankle, at the girls’ Las Vegas show during the last of their U.S. dates earlier this week. Her injury was unknown to fans until she was photographed hobbling on crutches on Wednesday night at the unveiling of a Virgin Atlantic plane named ‘Spice One’ in their honour, at Los Angeles International Airport. Despite her vow to be on stage at their first London gig, the group have cancelled their pre-recorded performance on Strictly Come Dancing on the Sunday semi-final show. The band were expected to sing their hit 2 Become 1 in the taping tomorrow, but have decided to let Emma rest her ankle. As the article goes on to note, it’s not the first time she’s busted her foot; she “fell off” her trademark stupidly-tall platforms back in the Spicies’ heyday, prompting moral guardians everywhere to tut tut about the choice of footwear. The rest of us just knew that the “shoes” were hopelessly ugly and thus saved ourselves the bother. Maybe, since being unsteady on her feet seems to have become a trademark, it’s time for Emma to start considering a nice, comfy pair of flat Homy Peds? We’re sure Roberto Cavalli could tizz them up with a few rhinestones. More »

Indie Darling Jason Schwartzman “Does” Melbourne!

11:02AM Clem Bastow | Jason Schwartzman, star of the indie movie circuit and drummer for Phantom “Best Known For Being Those Guys What Done The O.C.’s Theme” Planet, is currently in Australia to promote his new flick The Darjeeling Ltd., and already he’s taken to popping up, Zelig-like, all over town. Naturally, once we realised he was out and about, we dispatched a team of sleuths to follow him around while wearing trench coats and talking into their shoes and watches. Our spies spotted him: * Looking much hotter in real life! * Having dinner at Fitzroy institution The Vegie Bar! While wearing sunglasses! * Walking out of Vegie Bar while wearing sunglasses (but, you know, not walking out, just leaving. After his lackeys paid!) * Being hit upon by Defamer spies at the preview screening of The Darjeeling Ltd.! * Calling said Defamer spy “baby doll”! And that’s about it for this particular piece of world-shaking news. Have YOU seen Jason Schwartzman? Did he call YOU baby doll, too? Get in touch! More »

Bindi Irwin for Best Urban Release At The 2008 ARIAs

10:16AM Jess McGuire | The other day, Defamer Australia’s Editor and Associate Editor were thrilled to open our mail and discover a copy of the Bindi Irwin single ‘Trouble In The Jungle’. “Ah ha!” we though to ourselves, “just what every pop culture obsessed Australian in their mid-twenties could ever want – a bouncing musical number about conservation!” We popped it on, ad lo and behold… we discovered something we were NOT expecting. Bitch can rhyme in a phat manner, yo. Seriously. Before we received a copy of her new rap single, we had simply filed Bindi Irwin away in the Things We Don’t Really Understand section of our brain, alongside “Sneaky Sound System’s Continuing Career Success” and “Why Our Boy Puppy Pees Like A Girl”. But now? It’s all hideously clear. Bindi was born to deliver the flow. The beginning of the track sounds like something the Hilltop Hoods could have released, but when Bindi unleashes her panda-related tirade (”Mr Panda, whatchoo gonna do? Cos as man expands there’s no bamboo for you to chew through…“) it suddenly hits you – she was put on this earth to rap. Give her twenty years, a break down, a possible drug habit, and some time with Dr Dre, and we’ve no doubt we’ll see Bindi’s full Compton-esque potential fulfilled. In the meantime, could she please re-record Trouble In The Jungle with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra? IT WOULD BE AMAZING! Here’s a clip of Bindi delivering the goods LIVE on the Today show, with thanks to Jezebel. REPRESENT! If she doesn’t win the Best Urban Release award at next year’s ARIAs, we’re gonna choke a bitch. PS: If you would like to send us stuff to look at, listen to, touch, eat, or call the police regarding – you can do so via our charming overlords at Allure Media. More »

Kate Ritchie Films Her Last Scenes For Home & Away

9:27AM Jess McGuire | Two and a half months after originally announcing she was leaving the television show which has employed her since she was but a pup, Kate Ritchie has filmed her final scenes as Home & Away’s Sally Fletcher. Sure, she’ll soon be joining the breakfast team of Merrick and Rosso on Nova (one of the many new breakfast radio combinations we’ll be keeping our eye ear on – AND JUDGING HARSHLY IF NEED BE – during 2008), but the fact remains… however will Home & Away survive without Sally? Huh? Why not get rid of Alf Stewart too, and totally fuck up our life?! (cries hysterically) (composes self) Michael Idato isn’t fearing change and sooking like a child, so let’s hear from him now, shall we? Since announcing her intention to quit the top-rating soap in September, Ritchie said preparations for her departure had almost overwhelmed her. “I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts and reflect on a few things. I feel such an intense, deep sadness. “It’s so hard to explain because on the other hand there is this overwhelming sense of excitement as well. A lot of people are joking about whether I will enjoy retirement, but I really feel like it’s the beginning of something.” But here’s something which has us unreasonably excited about the 2008 series of Home & Away. The final episode for 2007, which aired last week, featured the arrival of a stranger, played by Josh Quong Tart, the word “Milco” (the name of Sally’s childhood imaginary friend) written in the sand and an on-air promotion campaign which promises to solve “a 20-year-old mystery”. MILCO! MOTHERFUCKING MILCO! Your move, Neighbours. More »

Marcus Enfield’s Least Favourite Hooker Gives Sartorial Advice… Pay Attention, Gals.

9:22AM Jess McGuire | We quite like “Michael Ryan’s prostitute”, the fashion conscious Marie Christos. From news.com.au… Ms Christos has been embroiled in the (Marcus) Einfeld saga since the allegations he lied to avoid a speeding fine were revealed by The Daily Telegraph in August last year. Two months earlier, she split up with Mr Einfeld’s then-solicitor Mr Ryan after a six-year liaison during which they called each other “Scarlett” and “Rhett” after the lead characters in Gone With The Wind. While rifling through his rubbish bin for proof he was lying about having an affair with another woman, Ms Christos found documents relating to the Mr Einfeld case. She then took them to police – and the media. But we don’t just like her because she put an allegedly fib-happy judge in the shit. Oh no. We rather enjoy the fashion tips she’s giving the media throng following the trial too. Ms Christos said that after being hidden as a guilty secret by Mr Ryan for six years, she wanted to stand out. “I’m a Perth girl and everyone knows Perth girls wear colour,” she said. “Sydney women all wear black, grey and slacks. They don’t wear dresses, they are not feminine. They are hard and masculine and they don’t have to be. “I say to them wear a dress, you’re a woman, be sexy. Every woman is absolutely gorgeous.” While she invested thousands of dollars in dresses, shoes and bras, she saved on knickers. “I never wear them,” she revealed. “They cause all sorts of health problems as well as having that disgusting panty line. “It makes you feel sexy and smooth not wearing them. Every woman in this city should have a Marie Christos day.” Brilliant idea, Marie! We propose the Rudd Government launches an official nationwide Marie Christos Day sooner rather than later, where female citizens kick off their knickers for twenty four hours and feel the cool breeze of freedom and style on their nethers. In fact, her name is so close to sounding like the words “Merry Christmas”, we can’t help but suggest it replaces Christmas Day altogether. More »