Thursday, December 13, 2007

When We Think “Nobel Peace Prize”, Naturally Our Thoughts Also Turn To Kylie Minogue

3:43PM Clem Bastow | Yes, you may think the Nobel Peace Prize is all about Al Gore and his climate change chums rocking up to collect their meat trays, but in actuality the ceremony and accompanying events are much more than that. If you believe the UK press, essentially the whole thing was one big ruse that paled in comparison to the main event: Kylie Minogue wearing a tight PVC dress and performing songs from her new album, X. Let’s see you do that, Mr Gore! Kylie, 39, joined other performers, including Alicia Keys, Annie Lennox and U.S. country singer Melissa Etheridge at the annual concert in the Norwegian capital, which dipped below freezing temperature on Tuesday. The event was hosted by Hollywood stars Kevin Spacey and Uma Thurman and followed the presentation of the Nobel Peace Prize to Gore and the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Monday. Yeah, yeah, saving the planet ‘n’ shit – just get to the bit where Our Kylie hits the stage! We hope this is the beginning of a spate of puzzling engagements by Our Kyles. Next we’d like to see her trot out some hits at, say, the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima, or perhaps the next State Funeral in Queensland. More »

The Beatles Never Took Drugs In Front Of George Martin, McCartney May Have Done So In Front Of Led Zep

3:38PM Clem Bastow | It seems the Led Zeppelin reunion gig of this week was a hotbed of celebrity news. Between three generations of Presleys hanging out (and Priscilla bizarrely looking “younger” than both daughter Lisa Marie and granddaughter Riley), Naomi Campbell getting strangled and just about everyone else under the sun forking out the pounds to see the rock dinosaurs, you’d almost say “Too much! Enough ca-ra-zy celebrity tattle for one arena to hold!” Well, you’d be wrong, because Paul McCartney has been caught out indulging in a little reefer madness. The Beatles legend was spotted with what seemed to be a, er, herbal roll-up, but discreet staff turned a blind eye as Macca, 65, puffed away. One over-zealous worker gushed: “Don’t worry, you’re a legend.” Earlier that evening he’d decided he needed a swift drink – or two – and rocked up to the bar where he ordered two pints just 15 minutes before the opening number. It’s a miracle he got served though – we’re told staff were instructed not to speak to him. Nothing wrong with indulging in a few “jazz cigarettes”, but the main issue we have here is that we now have visions of Macca sitting in his bedroom, staring up at his Stairway poster-flag, and eating nothing but 2-Minute Noodles and White Castle. We’re sure Heather Mills will testify that our vision is correct. More »

Vanilla Ice Is Coming To Australia, We Repeat, Vanilla Ice Is Coming To Australia!

1:42PM Jess McGuire | This is the greatest news we’ve received all year. Thank you, press release gods, for granting us our Christmas miracle! Grammy nominated, American Music Award winning artist, Vanilla Ice, returns to Australian shores in December and January to help fans bring in the New Year. Due to popular demand, Vanilla Ice has announced a show in Melbourne at Roxanne Parlour on January 10. The iconic rapper topped charts globally with his hit single ‘Ice Ice Baby’, one of the biggest selling rap songs of all time, selling over one million copies world-wide and to this day one of the most played tracks at clubs, pubs and karaoke clubs everywhere. Eighteen years on and 20 million albums sold globally, Vanilla Ice is bringing retro back to Australia complete with his three-piece band and performing all of his past hits including ‘Ice Ice Baby’, ‘Play that Funky Music’ and ‘Ninja Rap’. Since first bursting onto the scene back in 1989, the Florida-based rapper has continued to be a public figure with regular appearances on Reality TV programs including “Surreal Life”, “Surreal Life Fame Games”, “Celebrity Boxing”, “VH1- Behind The Music”, MTV and will be filming a new show called “Celebrity Bull Riding”. “I hope you’re ready to be absolutely blown away. The Greatest Live Performance You’ll Ever See” – X Entertainment Magazine Catch Vanilla Ice live and see what makes Ice such an icon! Thursday January 10: Roxanne Parlour, Melbourne, VIC – NEW SHOW Visit www.roxanneparlour.com.au for more information. He;s coming over due to popular demand, huh? Well, there was a Facebook group. Who knew they had such power? It goes without saying that we’ll be attending this, doesn’t it? More »

Naomi’s Battle Of Evermore As Zep Fan Rambles On And Attempts To Show Supermodel Good Times, Bad Times

11:16AM Clem Bastow | Before we try to fit any more Led Zeppelin puns (they reformed recently, didn’t you hear?) into the one headline, we’ll get on with business. To wit, Naomi Campbell – one of the myriad famous fans attending the old rockers’ “getting the band back together” gig for charity – was caught up in a scuffle when one opportunistic fan thought he’d try to nick the VIP pass from around the supermodel’s neck. Why she didn’t just hit him with a phone is anyone’s guess; maybe that community service really did work! An eyewitness said: “This guy, who looked a bit drunk, ran up alongside Naomi and tried to lift the passes from around her neck but it got tangled in her scarf and hair. “He yanked the pass quite forcefully which dragged her down, half throttling her, before security stepped in.” “She was screaming ‘He’s got the pass’ but it sounded as if she was being choked. The guy eventually got the pass and ran off. It all happened so quickly. Naomi looked very shaken.” Photographer Greg Brennan added: “People were doing anything to get their hands on one of those tickets. People were fighting all over the place.” Turns out the reason she didn’t bonk him with her BlackBerry is that she reckons it was nicked from her bag at the concert! Hilariously, O2 Arena spokespeople played down the “theft”, offering this to the press: “Naomi Campbell did report that she had lost her phone, but she couldn’t even remember whether she brought it with her or not.” Oh, which reminds us, our diamond-studded solid-gold Ferrari got stolen the other day in the Coles carpark; we can’t remember whether we’d driven it there or not, but would appreciate its swift return. More »

Sharon Osbourne Sez Dannii Only Employed For Her Looks; Sharon Is Employed For … ??

11:10AM Clem Bastow | Renowned loudmouth Sharon Osbourne (originator of our favourite quote of 2007: “I hope he gets syphilis and dies; I hope his dick falls off so his mother can eat it”) has laid the smackdown on fellow X Factor host Dannii Minogue, saying the Kylie understudy is only on the show because of her looks. Dannii has been remarkably civilised through all this, but we reckon it’s time for her to bite back by saying she wrote Put The Needle On It about Sharon’s forehead. ZING! “She [Dannii] knows she’s there because of her looks, not because of her contribution to the music industry,” she said. “She’s younger, she’s better-looking, Simon wants her and he doesn’t want me – thank God.” Well, Sharon, we’re inclined to think that you shouldn’t be concerned about the affections of Simon, seeing as YOU’RE MARRIED. Anyway, we think these two showbiz dames should settle this all with a nice big bowl of strawberry ice cream – by wrestling in it. Now that’s what the people of Britain want to see! More »

Chaser Team Treated “Like Boy Band”; Does Not Mean They Were Fiddled With By Sleazy Impresario And Later Treated For Compensatory Alcohol Addiction

10:58AM Clem Bastow | Well, we would’ve never picked it, but it looks as though the blokes from The Chaser are the new thinking-girl’s crumpet. The dudes have been doing the seasonal book-signing circuit this past week or so, and have been treated to screaming fans and even a few hearts a-flutter: From the welcome they got from hundreds of teenage girls, you could have thought they were the Backstreet Boys. The ABC TV show The Chaser’s War on Everything funnymen Chris Taylor, Chas Licciardello and Dominic Knight were in Melbourne to sign copies of their latest book. Writer Knight said he was thrilled so many people showed up. ‘It’s very flattering, it’s great people are so into what we do,” he said. “We feel like we’re in a boy band with all this attention.” …One fan at a signing this week got rather hot under the collar when meeting The Chaser crew and fainted. The young woman was soon made to feel better after she was consoled by the boys. Yes, that’s right, fainted. Let’s just remind ourselves of something: Easy, ladies! More »

Cop A Load Of These Celebrity Tatas – All In The Name Of Art, Maaaan!

10:42AM Clem Bastow | Australian artist David Bromley has unveiled his latest collection of portraits, a faintly naive jumble of sketchy nudes – posed for by Kate Ceberano, Cheyenne Tozzi, and Megan Gale, among other less interesting, non-A-list bosoms. And even though the paintings “retail” for around $16,000 (we’ve really got to get into this art jaunt! Check out these amazing portraits of Mel and Kochie that we did with a Sharpie and a packet of Cheese & Onion Pringles! That’ll be $25,000, thanks! Oh, sorry…), those kind folks over at News Ltd have hosted them all for you to feast your eyes on. Leap over the jump to gorge on Australia’s favourite Scientologist’s arty (and probably NSFW, unless you work at the Norman Lindsay Memorial Breast Examination Clinic) nungas. More »

The Process Of Selecting The Least Endearing Individuals Australia Has To Offer For Their Chance At Reality Television Glory Has Begun

7:42AM Jess McGuire | If the idea of finding yourself lost for hours in a virtual quagmire of shitful idiocy sounds appealing, then are you in luck! Would be Big Brother contestants have been uploading videos of themselves in an attempt to gain a place in the Dreamworld compound in the upcoming 2008 Gretel-less season, and we have spent the past few hours watching the cringe-inducing antics of hideous bogans monkeying about in front of a camera, -and hating ourselves passionately for doing so . Go to the Big Brother website to cast your eye over the types of folk who’ll be dominating your telly next year. And hey – who’s this? Why, there’s a familiar face! Is there a rule about appearing in the same reality show twice, do you think? More »