Happy Monday, dear readers.

Today's Clip Of The Day is following on from this sidesplitting creation from Harry Enfield.

We heart it so.

What tremendously exciting news - we are edging ever closer to finding out who will be working side by side with Tom Williams as the co-host of motherfucking Gladiators!

She's wowing them as a fallen angel in the box office vampire hit flick Gabriel but Confidential understands Channel 7 producers have fallen for Bondi-based babe Samantha Noble, who has emerged as a late favourite for the co-hosting role opposite Tom Williams on a new series of Gladiators.

The 26-year-old apparently auditioned for the presenters' part late in the process but has surged ahead of retired swim stars Elka Graham and Brooke Hanson on the short list.

She's more appealing than Elka and Brooke? It sounds impossible and yet... and yet... Channel 7 may just have located the nation's new sweetheart, by the sounds of it. We cannot wait for the eventual New Idea/Woman's Day spreads, rumours of a burgeoning relationship with Tom "Hello, Although I Am Probably Very Nice, I Have All The Charisma Of A Block Of Wood - And Yet Here I Am On Your Television Screen Once Again!" Williams, and the inevitable appearance on the Sonia Kruger-hosted Dancing With The Stars.

BUNNINGS, PEOPLE! BUNNINGS!

That's right, we're giving away a delicious $250 voucher to Coles/Myer, David Jones, Harvey Norman or Bunnings - BUNNINGS!!!!!! - to lucky readers who lay down on our "couch" (head to our online survey) and begin telling us about their "mother" (what they think of us, and other shizzle).

You have to be in it to win it, you'll never never know if you never never go, who dares wins, etc!

CLICK HERE TO DO THE SURVEY (DOESN'T TAKE LONG, SWEARS)

Choc is back, yo!

The titleholder stepped out of his Hummer, strode into his own bar for the weigh-in for tonight's world title fight, and then flashed $15,000 in cash and used it as a fan to cool himself.

And if Mundine's intimidation tactics don't work and he happens to lose this evening's match, he can always return to his other career... appearing in the music videos of various Australian artists.

Fingers crossed he doesn't smear poo on his contact lenses before tonight's bout.

Poor Natalie Gauci. The Australian Idol winner (whose single 'Here I Am' Kowalski-d its way straight to the number two spot in the ARIA charts) might have walloped Matt Corby at the series finale a few weeks back, but can that make up for having lost a lover in the pursuit of musical success? Well, maybe if the single had made it number one...

She's got a job ahead of her wooing fans to buy the "beautiful but boring" singer's music, but Australian Idol Natalie Gauci has revealed she hasn't given up hope of winning over the man she lost on her way to taking the title on this year's TV talent show.

The 26-year-old has released a B-side to her Idol winners single, inspired by her former boyfriend, backpacker Andrea Seidita.

"It's written about Andrea," Gauci said of All In My Mind, which she penned in the days after their very public break-up.

"When he left I was really upset, so I wrote that song. It's a ballad about heartbreak. It's probably one of my favourite originals. I'm really proud of it," she said recently.

There's nothing quite like fresh pain to really get a single flying off the shelves, is there?

Even though Andrea appears to be rutting The Gauch from behind whilst wearing rollerblades in the photo accompanying the article, we're sure he's a lovely backpacker type, and we wish Nat the best of luck when it comes to winning him back once the whole Idol thing turns to shit she finally gets a break in her hectic schedule.

In conclusion, here's a quote from the article which made us snigger like a teenage boy.

"There's no expectation or pressure. And he's really sweet. He said, 'I don't want to hurt your feelings if I can't come' so that's nice."

Isn't it though?

(bites tongue)

Congratulations to Julia Gillard who today became the first female acting Prime Minister in Australian history. Perhaps one day we can scrap the 'acting' part from that title? In the meantime, this photo tickled us.
We found it in a Julia Gillard-themed gallery over at News Ltd. Woo!

Isabel Lucas is quite nobly continuing her crusade to save the whales, and has taken to posing next to a sinister-looking whale harpoon to get her message across, complete with suitably serious facial expression.

Although, with those beautiful, sad-slanted eyebrows, she's a bit like an Irish setter; there's not much difference between the facial expressions denoting "serious", "upset", "confident" or "psychotic".

Sitting beside a giant harpoon, used by Australian whalers just 30 years ago, Isabel explained the gruesome process.

"Looking at this, it's just a big lump of metal, but then you start to think about the history of the thing," she said.

"The tip is filled with explosives and the hooks on the side, here, catch on to their internal organs. 'I've seen how they kill these animals, it is absolutely brutal."

And she knows, at last week's AFI Awards, Isabel told Confidential she'd been swimming in a sea of red blood while on a Greenpeace mercy mission!

Putting aside the obvious seriousness of what Isabel is talking about, just cast your eye over that final paragraph once more.

That's right, News Ltd put an exclamation mark right after "swimming in a sea of red blood while on a Greenpeace mercy mission".

Let's apply their journalistic excellence to some more sobering facts: "The blaze was so intense, authorities say it could take days to identify the victims!"

More! "A father and his four children were all killed in the crash!"

Try it next time you have to tell someone something serious.

"You're dumped!"

Oh, probably not. Fran Bailey's list of reasons for why she lost the seat of McEwan is pretty dense.

Fran Bailey has blamed her apparent narrow loss in McEwen on a massive population influx in the seat, interest rates, the Kevin07 juggernaut and a sense that the Howard government had been in power too long.

Is Fran Bailey playing the Reasons You Will Hate Me blame bingo, by any chance?

One of our favourite ways to tackle a hangover is to cocoon ourselves in blankets and begin Googling one topic obsessively whilst listening to Prince's I Feel For You. Surely this is not unusual?

Ahem. So there we were, wildly searching Australian radio stars of yesteryear, when we stumbled across this piece of fan fiction centered around "celebrity" Paul McDermott falling head over heels in love with a straight talkin' down to earth journalist named Gina. Next thing we knew, an hour of our time had passed - and we hadn't even FINISHED the bloody story yet!

Here's an excerpt...

"No seriously, I can't get you out of my head and that just never happens to me. I mean it’s insane because this, whatever it is we have, it can't possibly work can it? I mean I'm a celebrity…"

"And I'm a journalist," Gina sighed.

"I love hard drinking."

"And I don't."

"I love partying."

"I hate partying."

"I dance to techno."

"I dance to 80s pop rock."

"I can't cook a boiled egg."

"I can cook a three course meal."

"I take my moods out on people."

"I'll take mine out on you."

Paul looked wryly at Gina, "It'll never work."

"Crazy to even try really," she agreed, amused.

"We're relationship challenged individuals."

"It'll end in tears."

"I shouldn't have come," Paul breathed. "What was I thinking? Well I wasn't obviously. I just wanted to see you and I don't even know why. I mean are we even dating?"

"I don't know, but what I do know is you need to drink less because you're just kinda rambling at the moment," Gina chided.

They pondered each other for a moment, smiling for reasons they weren't sure why before naturally falling into a kiss. Gina let her fingers slide through his hair and found herself secretly enjoying the fact he tasted like red wine.

It all got a bit Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul for a moment there, huh? We are currently up to Chapter Eight. We find it really strange that someone devoted so much time to writing fan fiction about ex- Good News Week star Paul McDermott, and even stranger that we appear to be unable to stop reading the fucking thing. Still, we need to know. Was Mikey Robbins right when he warned Paul off Gina? Is Gina going to end up hurt, like she did when her ex went back to her wife?

WE ARE GRIPPED. Somewhat.

Read it yourself, should you feel so inclined.
   

Networks are scrambling to make sure Sophie Monk never appears on live tele ever again (at least not without being dubbed by Sigrid Thornton and filmed from behind a wall featuring a hologram of Lisa McCune) following her dumbfounding "work" hosting the AFI awards red carpet arrivals with Richard Wilkins and Livinia "That's Me!bourne" Nixon.

The Bardot star turned Hollywood token hot chick was one of the "highlights" of coverage News Ltd memorably describes as "dismal", one of our favourite underused words of savage criticism.

With four Hollywood films set for release in the next year and a reputation as a picture perfect poser, Monk's mind-numbing microphone work made for even bigger disappointment for the program's producers.

...While the former Popstars product has had a dream run making the transition from reality TV starlet to Tinseltown, Monk's critics have made sure her next hosting gig will be harder to get.

Under a barrage of insults that invariably described her efforts as "inane utterings" or pleaded she be "seen and not heard - ever", understandably Monk has gone to ground since arriving in Sydney last Friday, cutting a lone figure on a solo jog around Rushcutters Bay.

But her month-long stay will include an appearance on another Nine production - Carols By Candlelight on December 24. Perhaps she'll get a tightly-worded script as an early Christmas gift.

Yes, and that script will say something along the lines of, "Hi, I'm Sophie Monk! Ooh look, I wonder what's down this trapdoor? Let me go and have a look."

And then parents everywhere will have to spend Christmas morning explaining what happened to that nice blonde lady who disappeared in a puff of smoke.

We've long since established that the UK press like nothing more than to comment on Kylie Minogue's a) new hair-styles and b) revolutionary televisual appearances, so you can imagine how spastically excited they must have been when the opportunity arose to combine both in an unprecedented display of surely Pulitzer-winning journalism.

Yes, the "nearly 40" singer "kicked up a fuss" on an Austrian chat show, giving "fresh-faced youngsters" a "run for their money" while performing her latest single.

Nice work, gramps!

Dressed in black fishnets, raunchy platform ankle boots and a tight-fitting black plunge-neck top, Kylie performed songs from her latest album X, which reached number four in the album charts when it was released last month.

The singer also sported an edgy platinum blonde bob which added to the sexy look she has adopted since bouncing back from breast cancer.

Her much coveted-style was acknowledged recently when a survey of UKTV Style programme The Clothes Show revealed 31 per cent of viewers regarded her as a style icon.

Please note that "edgy" means "looks like it was carried out by a blind orangutan with a Whipper Snipper", and there is a great accompanying photo of fellow chat-show guest Renee Zellweger touching Our Kylie's barnet as if to say, "Wow, these Jessica Simpson And Ken Paves Hair Extensions feel so real!"

Clearly our repeated calls for Mitch Winehouse to choke a bitch have fallen on deaf ears all this time, but there is some hope for Winegums in the form of Ma Winehouse, Janis.

Amy's look-alike mother has gone the old "heartfelt open letter in the News Of The World" tack in the hope of luring Amy back home for a blankie and some chicken soup.

We're man enough to admit we were wiping away a stray tear by the end of it (after which we dropped to the floor and did fifty one-armed push-ups to compensate).

"Having to cancel your tour has been very sad. But maybe it will make you stop, think and take stock of where your life is going."

Commenting on her son-in-law, Mrs Winehouse adds: "Blake, your husband, might not be my favourite

"We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you wandering around the freezing streets at dawn in your underwear. All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket."

This is all well and good, but the problem is the fact that the only reason Amy seems to enter newsagents is to buy a dinner of icy poles, or occasionally to pick up some of "Blake's favourite snacks" en route to prison.

Which is weird, as we didn't know London newsagents stocked the heads of stillborn babies and eye of newt. There's something for Lonely Planet to put in their updated travel guide!

Channel Ten's days as the darling of the ratings - or at least the critics - looks on shaky ground, with the news that one of their pet projects may not return for another year.

Thank God You're Here, one of Ten's only recent runaway successes (and a much-needed one in the light of Idol's crumbling appeal and a wash of US re-heats and dud local content) may not be signing on for 2008, and the pundits don't favour Ten's chances without the Working Dog theatresports show.

[Media commentator Glenn] Dyer said the appointment of Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O as the new Big Brother hosts could prove problematic.

"Kyle is one of the judges on Australian Idol. Its final was down 700,000 [on debut] ... Kyle and the other judges bear some responsibility for that.

"On that basis, I think Kyle and Jackie O will probably make people nostalgic for Gretel Killeen.

"Big Brother's been bland for two years. Ten wants to go back to being a bit outrageous, a bit controversial to get people to watch."

Ten also faces stiff competition from Nine following the unveiling of the latter's new branding, clearly targeting Ten's predominantly younger audience.

Media buyer Steve Allen said: "If you ask people around town, Seven looks good; Nine looks promising; Ten, there's a question mark over it."

If you ask us, Ten started going down the gurgler when they put Secret Life Of Us on during the day and capped it off by insisting on shite local versions of overseas reality/talent hits.

But as for "the young people" going over to Nine, that's probably also about as likely as Nine ever showing a drama series in full, chronological order, at the same time each week.

It must be that time of the year or something, you know, the time of the year when you read, gobsmacked, stories about how kindergarten nativity scenes are replaced by kids wearing sunnies and singing We Will Rock You, or about crooks making off with small businesses' entire Christmas delivery of ham (and yes, we've actually read both).

Well, it's time to put on your "What's the world coming to?" hat again, because no one is safe from this modern hysteria: as if Border Security et al weren't bad enough, now Paddington Bear is going to cop what's coming to him when he's mistaken for an illegal immigrant.

Yes, you read correctly. And what’s worse, this is how they chose to celebrate his 50th birthday!

In the book, to be published next June on the anniversary of his debut in A Bear Called Paddington, the stowaway from Peru will be interviewed about his right to remain in England.

The appeal of Michael Bond's Paddington books, which have sold more than 30 million copies and been translated into 30 languages, remains undiminished.

But Bond, 83, was said to be reluctant at the prospect of writing his first book about the bear for 29 years — unless he had a strong contemporary storyline.

After being arrested, Paddington has no papers proving his identity, because his Aunt Lucy had arranged for him to hide on a ship's lifeboat from Peru after she went to live in a home for retired bears in Lima.

Oh yes, it's a merry jape when the good old boys from MI5 pull your fingernails off with pliers so that you cough up the name of the bastards who brought you into Britain without permission!

Three cheers for the Home Guard, hip, hip, hip!

Seriously, what's next? Play School's Jemima being done for heroin trafficking? Elmo and Big Bird being busted for running a paedophile ring?