Wednesday, December 5, 2007
“Keith Richards Cultivates The Freddy Krueger Look”
7:03PM Clem Bastow | Poor Keith Richards – you spend your life perfecting the sort of pre-death embalming that would have impressed the ancient Egyptians, and then the UK press go and compare you to an ’80s slasher flick antihero.
Yes, Keef attended Defamer Associate Editor’s personal God’s Stephen Sondheim’s celebrity-packed screening of the new Tim Burton/Johnny Depp vehicle, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street, and the Mail’s ’separated at birth’ editor clearly saw fit to make a few extra bucks before Christmas.
Problem being, it’s one of the crappest lookalike stories in recent memory:
You’re a little late for Halloween Keith! The Rolling Stones guitarist looked scarily similar to Freddie Kruger on a night out in Manhattan.
Oh yes, we see it… They’re both WEARING HATS!!
In which case, we’d like to suggest another one for them: Colin Farrell, who is often seen wearing t-shirts, alongside Mick Jagger, who also wears t-shirts. It’s like they’re twins! More » 
Former News Reader Ross Symonds Gets Served By Mouthy Private School Captain
6:56PM Jess McGuire | Ahh, the politics of private schools. Over at Knox College in Sydney, there’s been some kerfuffle over a parting speech delivered by their school captain which was filled with verbal jousts directed at certain parents of the school – certain parents like former newsreader Ross Symonds.
The address by Knox Grammar school captain Mitchell Donaldson accused
sections of the wealthy school community of using their positions to
manipulate favours for their undeserving children.
In
a stinging 20-minute speech, the 17-year-old claimed his year 12 class
had been “affected by the politics of parents as few others have,”
shaming – but not naming – those who had sought “power at all costs”
for their sons.
While the leavers’ assembly lashing drew praise
for Donaldson’s frankness, the talk has since sparked widespread
gossip, with Symonds and his wife Jenni this week linked to the
allegations. Symonds told Confidential he was aware of the speech scuttlebutt but declined to respond to the rumours yesterday.
“I
believe we were one of the parents referred to, yes. There has been a
lot of innuendo but I don’t wish to comment at this stage,” the former
Channel 7 star said.
You’d never catch Brian Henderson or Roger Climpson getting caught up in that shit, would you?
Donaldson argued that “at Knox, it does not matter who your father is. Or who he thinks he is. Or who he was.”
Ouch. More » 
You Know Your Reality Talent Quest Is In Trouble When Even The Nice, Charitable Christian Says It’s Boring
6:55PM Clem Bastow | Guy Sebastian has bitten the hand that fed him his “stardom” all those years ago, joining in the increasingly loud chorus of detractors who reckon this year’s Australian Idol was the worst so far. Obviously none of these people are wrong, per se, but Guy? We thought he’d be the last person to chime in.
And he hasn’t stopped at providing some gentle, Christian constructive criticism, going so far as to declare this season “boring“. How the mighty have fallen! Guy, what did they do to you in Memphis??
“There were a lot of people who were quite calculated in their use of the show and quite blatantly used it to get a platform for their careers,” Sebastian said.
“I think because of that, some of the essence of the show was lost.”
“There were some people who just … kept sticking to their same styles week in, week out, which is a bit boring and self-indulgent.”
Hmm, Guy, could you be talking about fellow churchgoers Matt Corby and Ben McKenzie, perchance?
He does have a point, though – what with his springing from Stevie Wonder to Prince to, er, Rogers and Hammerstein, the last thing you could have described Guy’s Idol running sheet as would have been “boring”! More » 
Delta’s “Postmodern Mermaid Fantasy” Low On Mermaids (And Postmodernity), High On Phallic Symbols
6:47PM Clem Bastow | So we got all excited when News Ltd announced that Delta Goodrem’s new video clip, for Believe Again, would be a “postmodern mermaid fantasy” and full of expensive special effects.
Well, the clip was shown – at least a snippet of it – on last night’s Today Tonight and if this “highlight” is to be believed, it isn’t all we were hoping for.
In fact, there are precious few mermaids and instead, Delta seems to be submerged in the magical puddle from Puddle Lane, while rather Freudian stone obelisks rise up from the ground around her.
As for the song, well, we don’t hate it, but we want postmodern mermaids, dammit!
Some member of the Delta webring better upload the whole thing quick smart, or we’re going to send Camp Goodrem a copy of Perry Anderson’s The Origins Of Postmodernity dipped in horse’s blood. More » 
Anthony Callea Wants Darren Hayes’ Hot, Hard… Songwriting And Vocals
6:37PM Clem Bastow | In news to make fans of shiny gay pop fanfic and YouTube fantasy clip montages wet themselves giddily, Anthony Callea has declared he would like to work with the Pop!ular Darren Hayes.
The now-single Idol runner-up and fun-sized gay icon has long been a fan of Hayes’ work and was chuffed to hear that Dazza returned the sentiments.
During an interview with Confidential earlier this year, ex-Logan boy Darren – who married boyfriend Richard Cullen last year – said he admired the way Anthony handled his public outing and admitted he was a fan of the Melbourne crooner.
“Did he really say that?,” Anthony asked. “That’s so nice. I think he’s amazing. I would love (for us) to do something together. His new album is great.”
It goes without saying that this would be AMAZING.
Can’t you just see it now? Maybe they could play Young Divas for a moment and cover George and Aretha’s I Knew You Were Waiting For Me, with accompanying Thunderpuss remix.
In all seriousness, though, we’d like to see it happen: Darren knows his way around a good pop melody and Anthony has the pipes to pull off something special vocally. Do it, boys! More » 
In A Final Dastardly Move To Become The Most Powerful Being In The Universe, Rupert Murdoch Eats Jesus And Absorbs His Messianic Powers
4:42PM Jess McGuire | THE DARK LORD HAS WON. CHRISTIANITY IS DEAD, LONG LIVE MURDOCHISM!
Well, not really. Despite the above terrifying imagery appearing on the smh.com.au front page, as far as we know Rupert Murdoch hasn’t actually sucked back a tasty slice of The Jesus. But he has purchased a website called Beliefnet.
Tabloid Page 3 girls may have helped build its original print
empire, but Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp is putting its faith in God
online.
News Corp’s Fox Entertainment Group said it had bought Beliefnet, a
website on spirituality and faith, as part of its internet expansion.
Financial terms were not disclosed.
The acquisition builds on the company’s rapid internet expantion
since 2005 with the purchase of the MySpace social network for $US580
million.
He’s probably just biding his time before becoming The Supreme Being Of The Universe. Besides, Jesus is more a dessert dish – if you wanted a fulfilling main meal, you’d definitely knock down a roast Buddha over a plate of Christ. More » 
“What Would A Nice Girl Like Kylie Be Doing In A Wet Top Like That?”
3:36PM Jess McGuire | You’ve got to admire Wellington strip club owner Garth Rosson’s stubborn streak. After putting up a photo outside his strip club of a woman looking suspiciously like Our Kylie (aka St Minogue of Camberwell), he’s refusing to back down in the face of Kylie’s lawyers angry accusations the photo Garth is using is in fact one of Kylie.
The legal eagles insisted Garth remove the image of Kyles from his window lest the Wellington public begin believing the pint-sized pop superstar is making a quick buck on the side Showgirls style, and for the time being Garth has pulled it from his shop front, but he’s remaining adamant that the woman in the image IN NO WAY RESEMBLES KYLIE MINOGUE.
Looking at Garth’s picture (left) and an image of Kylie (right), one can’t help but note the uncanny likeness to Minogue in the shot being used to advertise the strips. Troubling. How on earth will Garth reason his way out of this one?
With the world’s greatest riposte, that’s how.
He said his designer downloaded the image from an internet site
three months ago and used it for a window poster. It was not
labelled as a photograph of Minogue and he said he could not see
the resemblance.
“I’m not convinced, eh? What would a nice girl like Kylie be
doing in a wet top like that?”
WHAT WOULD A NICE GIRL LIKE KYLIE BE DOING IN A WET TOP LIKE THAT!
That is, hands down, the greatest line we’ve read in a news article since Family First candidate Andrew Quah explained away his appearance on gay websites with “That’s not my penis”.
More » Tell Us Your Feelings, Win A $250 Voucher!
2:32PM Jess McGuire | Here at Defamer Australia, we’re always wanting to find out more about how you feel about stuff. Are you lonely? Are you happy? Do you cry yourself to sleep and identify uncomfortably closely with Simple Plan lyrics? Or are you a jovial type of chap/lass, with nothing but kind words to say about everyone and everything?
Well, open up, motherfuckers. We’ve a survey for you to complete, and once you do you’ll be in the running for a sweet $250 voucher to Coles/Myer, David Jones, Harvey Norman or Bunnings!
BUNNINGS?
We know – the showbiz never stops around here!
Actually, all jokes aside, we actually really enjoy to rare occasions we go shopping at Bunnings. It makes us feel wholesome and good and DIY-ish. Take us with you if you win… no, really. It’ll be a date. We’ll put out. Whatever it takes!
MOVING ON RAPIDLY.
Here’s where you can do the survey about Defamer Australia.
x More » 
Nollsy, Are You Just Pleased To See Us?
2:19PM Jess McGuire | The naughty King of Condo Mr Shannon Noll appears to be waving around a giant knob-shaped baton with glee in the below photo, don’t you think?
This from the Courier Mail –
As reader Stuart Ellis reports, the Australian Idol product dropped in to Fortitude Valley’s Hotel Bravo after his Brisbane Convention Centre gig on Sunday night.
He and his crew partied into the wee hours, but not before Noll jumped behind the bar to serve some of his loyal fans.
Rock!
More » 
We Find This Very Hard To Believe
11:03AM Jess McGuire | Like most of you, we read in the papers on Monday that Patrick Dempsey, star of Grey’s Anatomy amongst other things, has a hankering to burn rubber at the Bathurst 1000. We noted this bit of information with an interest bordering on mild, and moved on with our day.
Then, for no real reason whatsoever, this morning we decided to re-read the article
online, and it was then we discovered the following amazing image.
What wonderful work! What lucky timing to be able to locate a photo of Patrick Dempsey indulging in his favourite activity (’vroom vroom’-ing behind the wheel of a V8) just as this Bathurst 1000 story is breaking!
BUT WAIT – WHAT IS THIS? CLOSER INSPECTION OF THE PHOTO REVEALS THAT THE IMAGE HAS BEEN DIGITALLY ALTERED!
This is shocking. Do they mean to suggest that Patrick Dempsey doesn’t include putting on his best tux and speeding around town behind the wheel of a speedy vehicle with his over-sized head sticking awkwardly out the window like a cocker spaniel amongst his favourite leisure activities?
We’re floored, we truly are. News Ltd, your amazing Photoshop skills are deservedly legendary, and we fell for your Dempsey creation hook, line and sinker. More » 