Paris Hilton Dismisses All Those Silly Rumours About Sleeping Around With Alcoholic Elephants

In case there was any lingering confusion about whether or not Paris Hilton did or did not offer a tearful plea on behalf of the plight of India’s pale-ale-addicted elephants, the celebrity heiress appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today to dispel that rumor, and another involving an interest in cryogenics. Dropping her voice several octaves to safely within her no-nonsense range, a bemused Hilton explained that she’s “26 year old,” with all the grown-up responsibilities and thicker armour that implies, and has far weightier matters occupying her mind than some outlandish and false internet stories, like the very real threat of drunken Canadian porno pirates, and her Rwandan Mission of Reality TV Peace, currently languishing in turnaround.

• The Ellen DeGeneres Show