An Exclusive Pre-Election Interview With The John Howard Ladies’ Auxiliary Fan Club

Here at Defamer Australia HQ, we’ve been keenly following the campaigning going on around the country in the lead up to this Saturday’s Federal Election.

We very nearly stalked Julia Gillard on Wednesday morning in order to force her into posing for a MySpace Facebook profile picture with us (you know the kind of picture we mean – fringes swept across forehead, moody look on punim, pursed lips, the arm holding the camera still in shot) but we thought her emo facial expression may have been uncomfortably too realistic after she copped a verbal spanking from Jon Faine, so we resisted the urge to accost her with a digital camera.

We invited John Howard and Peter Costello out for a pot so we could have a lively discussion regarding the past eleven years of fuckery with them and ask probing Dr Phil-esque questions about their complicated and tumultuous relationship, but their media rep informed us last minute that they had already made plans with some bird named Anna something-or-other, so we missed that opportunity as well.

But, feeling it important to at least score one penetrating and incisive interview with a major political player before the nation went to the polls, we popped on a nice floral dress and some gloves and went to High Tea with Mrs Bea Wright, spokesperson for The John Howard Auxiliary Fan Club. You may have spotted her and her companions in the news during the past six weeks, as the women have made it their life’s mission to follow our Prime Minister during his campaigning and personally offer up their support to the wee little battler.

EXHIBIT A.

EXHIBIT B.

They’ve also got a Facebook group you can join, should you be so inclined.

In any case, after the jump you can read our AMAZING and INSIGHTFUL interview with Mrs Bea Wright. We realise we said this after our Angie Hart “piece“, but honestly… we must’ve scored ourselves a Walkley now, surely? Regardless, we’re rather pleased with how it all went – it was totally worth shouting Mrs Bea Wright three cucumber sandwiches and a few cups of Earl Gray.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: Hello, Mrs Wright – welcome to Defamer Australia. You and the rest of the John Howard Ladies’ Auxiliary Fan Club have certainly put in a solid effort when it comes to pushing the conservative barrow during this campaign. How do you think you’ve gone so far?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: We
Ladies have gone all the way for Johnny. We have undertaken to make the
Supreme Sacrifice, and become martyrs for the Church of the Holy Rite
if Johnny so orders. With explosive devices strapped to our bodies, we
shall give up our very lives blowing up the unions if necessary. In
case of any misapprehension, we are NOT suicide bombers. Suicide
bombers only blow for the wrong side, whereas we are blowing for the
Right side, which makes us government operatives.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: What, in your opinion, have been the “big issues” facing voters during this election?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: The biggest issue is definitely the issue of Johnny’s hard election,
and whether a man of his age will be able to keep his member standing
while the Party goes for growth. As for Johnny’s emissions, it is only
natural that a Member of such seniority experience a little leakage.
The Ladies advise that only Janette has the right to set emissions
targets for Johnny.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: How many times have you been in John Howard’s presence over the past few weeks, and has he said anything to you?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: Three times have we had the pleasure of proximity to the PM, despite
Janette’s jealous rages and insistence that security personnel keep us
at arms’ length. Johnny speaks to us often, even in his sleep. He tell
us he enjoys our yellow-cake, which gets him glowing in the dark.
Johnny loves to reminisce with us about the golden age of 1952, when
White Australia was policy and political correctness hadn’t yet made
racism a dirty word.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: Do you think John’s going to keep his seat in Bennelong on Saturday?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: We hope and pray that Johnny retains his seat. We believe the rumours
to be quite unfounded. While Johnny’s seat may be a little wrinkly and
saggy, his bottom is quite securely attached, I assure you. If,
perchance, Johnny does lose his seat, we will be right behind him with
a brand new bottom.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: If, god forbid, the Coalition loses the election and John Howard is put out to political pasture, will you and your fellow ladies throw your collective weight behind Peter Costello?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: We Ladies never throw anything but garden parties. We do adore Peter’s
Smirk Choices, however, and can reveal that he plans to bring back the
cat’o'nine tails – another Great Aussie Tradition – if re-erected.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: Who do you think are the bright hopes for the Liberal Party?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: The brightest star is certainly Kevin Andrews. The taste and decorum he
displayed by stating that the Sudanese community were ‘failing to
integrate’ only days after a young Sudanese refugee was beaten to death
has to be acknowledged as one of the highlights of the Liberal Party
campaign. Such finesse will be difficult to match.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: What advice would you give to a modern woman like Julia Gillard?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: Julia Gillard really ought to do something about her working-class
roots – I mean to say, isn’t her ‘boyfriend’ a hairdresser? Can’t he do
a bit of a touch up when her roots start to show? The Ladies are also
quite curious to ask Her Ladyship what is it like to have a working
class root, as we’ve never tried one. We also wish to offer Her
Ladyship our congratulations on her elevation to the Peerage after
Senator Heffernan appointed her ‘deliberately Baroness’. We’ve heard
Her Majesty may even offer Her Ladyship a regal title as Princess of
Australia in a couple of days!

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: Finally, you seem like a savvy and intelligent type. Any words of wisdom you’d like to impart to our readers?

MRS BEA WRIGHT: Don’t worry about rising sea levels dears – in Brighton, we’re simply
building up. We’re thinking of having a nice little coral reef
installed downstairs, and then we can bleach it with the dioxins from
Gunns Pulp Mill. All those coral colours can be most unsettling.We
advise the John Howard antidote to the black arm band brigade, the Reds
under the Bed, the Green menace and the ABC. Simply pop a white
blindfold on, and you will see the white, and feel quite all right.
Bless you all, you poor perverted tools of Satan.

DEFAMER AUSTRALIA: Thank you, Mrs Bea Wright, for talking to us on behalf of The John Howard Auxiliary Fan Club. Onward, Christian Soldiers!