Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Bring Me The Head Of Sienna Miller: A New Film By Kate Moss

12:59PM Clem Bastow | By now we’ve established that Kate Moss is not much of a fan of Sienna Miller. It was bad enough when Miller was Ms Jude Law and hovering on the outskirts of Moss’ Primrose Hill set, then she became “the new Kate Moss” in the eyes of the fashion editors, and now she’s dating Moss’ old pal Rhys Ifans. This, clearly, is enough to send any multi-millionaire supermodel tumbling over the edge in an apoplexy of Cosmopolitan Fashion Insider envy, as Sienna found out at a recent bash. The catwalk beauty had a dramatic showdown with rival Sienna over the actress’s relationship with the Welsh actor at soap star Davinia Taylor’s 30th birthday party at The Colour Rooms, in east London, on Saturday. Kate, 33, was overheard saying: “If you hurt Rhys, you’ll have made an enemy for life. Treat him right and we’ll leave you alone. But don’t hurt him because we love him – and we always stick together.” This is a bit like that ad for dog food. Kate Moss is only little, but we think it’s reasonable to assume that you wouldn’t want to cross her. Not only does she have an arsenal of sharp-heeled boots, she could always just get Pete Doherty to breathe on you – and no one wants to see that shit. More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Listen To Your Mum, Amy! (Pt Ii)

12:45PM Clem Bastow | While Winegums herself is keeping oddly quiet (apart from when she’s swearing at her audience), Janis Winehouse is still mouthing off (thank goodness; it’s a welcome change from Mitch “Taxi Driver” Winehouse’s faintly Rodney Dangerfield-esque “What can I do?” routine). Ma Winegums thought Amy should can her UK tour and have a rest (and a nice cup of tea, presumably) and now she’s – YAHOOOOO – got something to say about that No Good™ husband of her daughter. Amy Winehouse’s mother today said she was delighted that her daughter’s husband was behind bars. Although Amy has been distraught since Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested, Janis Winehouse believes it might be the best thing that has happened. She is hoping that the troubled singer can start tackling her addiction to hard drugs and said she blames her son-in-law for the abuse problems. She said: “I step back, look at life and think, well, I can see life taking care of the situation. “I was more worried when they were together. I think, while they are apart, she will wake up and think: ‘What have I done?’” Well, Daily Mail, saying Janis “blames” her son-in-law is a prime case of massaging the data, but we hear you. Let’s hope Flake gets five years and Amy has lots of time to meet someone nice, like John Mayer. Now there’s a match made in heaven. More »

Right Said Fred Devastated To Miss Out On ‘I’m A Celeb’ Fun

9:13AM Clem Bastow | With the current season of UK celebreality favourite, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here (which could reasonably be retitled “B-List In The Jungle” or “I Used To Be A Celebrity, Get Me On This Show”) in full flight, Fred and Richard Fairbrass – aka Right Said Fred – have taken that as a sign that they are not going to make it into contention. Which is, obviously, disappointing considering a little I’m Too Sexy might have been all the show’s Z-list hook-ups and spazz-outs needed to tip it into true trash greatness. Lead singer Richard Fairbrass told The Sun: “We’re leaving. That’s it. It’s been a lot of wasted time. We’re looking forward to getting home now and back into our own beds. “It’s been a funny old week.” Baldy brothers Richard and Fred have been staying at the £500 a night Versace hotel on Australia’s Gold Coast hoping to join I’m A Celebrity. ITV said: “We regret it’s not possible to have them on this year.” We feel sorry for the brothers that their chance at reissuing Too Sexy and scoring another hit with it (just like former I’m A Celebrity contestant Peter Andre and Mysterious Girl), but really. A week hanging out in Palazzo Versace? Boo freaking hoo! More »

Channel Seven Calls Noooooo Bingo On Chaser’s Election Special

9:06AM Clem Bastow | Despite their having liberally sprinkled National Bingo Night “Bingo Commissioner” Tanveer Ahmed through their shows since his “Nooooo bingo!” cry first caught their attention, The Chaser team will have to go without the plucky ump appearing on their Chaser Decides special. Those fun-killers over at Stokes HQ have said Ahmed is contracted to Seven and can thus not appear on any other networks – and The Chaser team are understandably miffed after the network sought an injunction to spoil another of their gags (involving Today Tonight). Seven’s deadpan decision to block Ahmed’s appearance was met with a big thumbs down from both the actor and the Chaser camp yesterday. “It’s really disappointing the Bingo Commissioner won’t be making an appearance in the tally room on The Chaser Decides tonight – The Nation has been robbed,” an ABC TV spokesperson said. Gee, Channel Seven are really kicking goals at the moment, aren’t they? Contempt of court convictions, calling Anna Coren a “performer”, and now this? NOOOOOOOO, BINGO, Seven! More »

Lily Allen Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down

8:58AM Clem Bastow | What with her prodigious partying, love of a jazz cigarette and tendency to mouth off at the drop of a hat, we recently tipped that Little Lily Allen could take over the crown from Winegums Watch if such a swap became necessary, and she is making our prediction look right on the money! The pint-sized poppet spent a night on the tiles in London recently, and ended up more or less actually on the tiles. Lily has been well-behaved recently, concentrating on her diet and highly anticipated second album. But she obviously decided it was time to let her hair down as she took her best friend, T4 presenter Miquita Oliver, and Harrods heiress Camilla to the Groucho Club in Soho until 2am. Despite being in a state she still thought it would be a good idea to head to Camilla’s home. Either unable or unwilling to walk, she was carried to the door and then helped inside by her companions. Still, proving her wild child credentials are still in tact, the pop star continued partying until after 4.30am. That’s the spirit, Lil! Especially considering she recently had a go at party girls like Paris H and Co., calling them bad role models. Presumably Lily’s new diet (remember she also said celebs were under too much pressure to skinny-up?) has affected her ability to put away the booze. More »

Is Mick Jagger Set To Start Wearing Daggy White Tracksuits And Hanging Out With Guy And Ashton?

8:48AM Clem Bastow | The Rolling Stones have never been particularly interested in religion beyond the daffy hippyisms of She’s A Rainbow and their wacky dabblings in dark mysticism and apparent Satan-worship during the late-’60s, and for this we thank them. However, that looks set to change with news that Mick Jagger has allegedly been seen getting about with one of those Kabbalah “red string” bracelets around his wrists (which he apparently stopped waving about long enough for someone to get a shot of them) – and the gossip rags reckon it’s all for love. Sir Mick, 64, seems to have shown more interest in the spiritual side of life after getting together with L’Wren Scott. Last month, the couple stayed at the 347-room Indian palace home of the Maharaja of Jodhpur and collected mystical trinkets for their £10million Chelsea mansion. Last year, when the Stones were on tour in South America, Sir Mick took time out to have his “auras cleansed” in a smoke ceremony conducted by a roadside shaman. Well, it could be worse – it could be ScientoLOLogy. Really, the only foolishness involved in getting into Kabbalah (which is not-for-profit, despite its many “recommended” accoutrements) seems to be the shelling out of ridiculous amounts of cash for $9 bottles of holy water. And, obviously, the whole “men wear white tracksuits” thing. We just can’t see Sir Mick getting down with that (though we’re sure he could wear it well). More »

Free-Spirited Isabel Sure To Be Comforted By Latest Development In Whale-Saving Saga

8:35AM Clem Bastow | With news quickly spreading that Isabel Lucas is now a wanted woman in Japan, following her attempts to interfere with dolphin and whale “culls” (because, you know, there are so many of them that they need to be culled), in her private moments she is no doubt feeling like she’s bitten off more than she can chew. And when all the nag champa and dreamcatchers in the world can’t help right your chi, what is the answer to the woes of a whales-saving, free-spirited Logie-winner? Facebook. That’s right, “Suuport Isabel Lucas and save the whales campaign” (yes, suuport) has sprung up, and the group boasts a world-beating 76 members. Thanks to Facebook’s Amazon-esque “If you like this, you’ll love…” Related Groups function, we can see that “Suuport Isabel Lucas and save the whales campaign” is in fine company alongside “FUCK OFF JAPAN… LEAVE OUR WHALES ALONE!!!!” and “If this group Reaches 150,000 members I will name my son Batman”. Add this to the humpback whale made by interlocking hippies on Bondi Beach, and those whales must be feeling mighty relieved. More »

Craigslist Stalking Victim Asks Rachel Bilson To Shit Or Get Off The Pot

6:50AM Defamer Hollywood | While we usually delight in using this space to bring people together, Defamer Connections is occasionally called upon to step in and lend a hand in prying a stalker and their celebrity prey apart. Never, though, have we encountered an instance like the following – a curious reversal of the traditional male/female, celeb/stalker dynamics, in which a local gymgoer has turned to the Craigslist Bureau of Ships in the Night to address heightening concerns over the hungry eyes of Rachel “Formerly of The O.C., Tomorrow, Who Knows?” Bilson. The posting: Dear Rachel Bilson, – m4w – 99 You practically raped me with your eyes at the gym the other day. More »

6:45AM Defamer Hollywood | An Olsen twin is down! An Olsen is down! Thankfully, according to the rep for the Mary-Kate half (the one on Weeds, as you surely recall) of Hollywood’s richest set of formerly conjoined twins, the just-announced hospitalisation was for a “kidney infection,” an explanation far less suspicious than the “exhaustion” and “dehydration” excuses forever tainted by flacks for the actress’s more-troubled, serially rehabbing peers. [People] More »