Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Vin Diesel’s Tour Of RSL Duty: The Plot Thickens!

2:51PM Clem Bastow | We told you yesterday (inbetween shuddering guffaws) that Vin Diesel’s management were launching legal talks with an Australian promoter who claimed the action star was to appear at the Rooty Hill RSL. Well, if the fine people who take the time to comment on Defamer Australia are to be believed, it seems the Returned Soldiers of New South Wales weren’t the only peeps rooting (eh, eh!) for Diesel. So sayeth reader “Dwaine”: I am ther manager of a Western Australian Night Club and would like to ad that wee have booked a Vin Diesel appearance also and were expecting the star to be in Western Australia this month also. Still waiting on confirmation of a new date. Are you in the same boat as Dwaine, and the good people of Rooty Hill? Is Vin Diesel booked to appear at your venue, school fete, or cousin’s bat mitzvah? Get in touch! More »

Advertising Standards Authority Sez Mascara Ads Misleading; Also Notes Easter Bunny Probably Not Real, Fairy Floss Tastes Nice But Isn’t Particularly Good For You

2:40PM Clem Bastow | In news that will not surprise anyone who’s ever swiped on a ‘miracle’ mascara only to find that their newly beclumped lashes look just as spindly as they did before, Britain’s Advertising Standards Authority has declared that Rimmel ads featuring Kate Moss batting lashes as lush as a Mason Pearson were possibly not true to life. Two viewers complained the model, 33, was actually wearing false eyelashes in the campaign for Rimmel’s Magnif’Eyes. Ad firm J Walter Thompson could not prove that Kate’s lashes were her own, so the Advertising Standards Authority banned the campaign for being misleading. You can watch the ad after the jump to marvel at just how naïve some consumers must be, but then, there would’ve been someone out there who thought that a bowl, spoon and fresh milk – and if you’re really lucky, chopped up strawberries and bananas – came as a free gift inside the cereal packet, or there wouldn’t be such a thing as a ‘Serving Suggestion’. More »

Gisele Passes Aussie Citizenship Test By Wearing Ac/dc T-Shirt, Patting Kangaroo

2:17PM Clem Bastow | We like nothing better than our apparently celebrity-starved local press going berko when a star comes to town, so welcome to the gossip pages, Gisele Bundchen! The leggy stunner (pictured at left looking leggy and stunning, though without a kangaroo) jetted into Melbourne yesterday ahead of the “down under” launch of her curiously clompy sandal range, and wasted no time getting down to the serious business of patting native fauna with a slightly bemused look on her face. The stunner showed she’d done her research for her first visit Down Under, arriving at the airport in a grungy AC/DC T-shirt. Both Healesville and Melbourne zoos were on stand-by in case Bundchen wanted to visit, but Healesville Sanctuary won the day. On stand-by? Does that mean they brought out the real animals for Gisele, and us chopped liver types just get animatronic versions of the red tree kangaroos etc? This is outrageous! More »

Charlotte Church Gives Birth To Bum-Chinned Baby While In A Paddling Pool, Watching Rugby; Sometimes These Headlines Write Themselves

2:03PM Clem Bastow | OK! sure know how to get the good quotes out of people and they’ve outdone themselves with their interview with just sprog-dropped Charlotte Church – so much so that both of our favourite UK rags are scrambling all over her admissions. In the Mail, Charlotte tells of being out shopping and having her retail binge spoiled by the onset of labour. “I wanted to go for a meal in the Toby Carvery but the contractions were every five minutes so we came back.” At home in Cardiff, where the coupled installed a birthing pool, Church watched the rugby with Henson but admitted she “was on gas and air by that point so I wasn’t really concentrating”. Saint Victoria, bless, has a similar tale, but also notes that baby Ruby Megan has inherited a delightful facial attribute from father Gavin Henson: She said: “She’s got Gavin’s bum chin.” Yes, “she’s got Gavin’s bum chin”. No “Charlotte looks adoringly at her handsome partner and declares, ‘The baby has his beautiful eyes’ before planting a passionate kiss on the father of her exquisite child”, just “she’s got Gavin’s bum chin”. We’re going to start using that as an all purpose turn of phrase. Why did someone else get the promotion and not you? She’s got Gavin’s bum chin. Friends wondering why you broke it off with a promising date? Had Gavin’s bum chin. Why is that person crying? Gavin’s bum chin. And so on. More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Mick Wants To Be Your Daddy

10:13AM Clem Bastow | You should know by now that whenever we say “Well folks, this looks like the end of Winegums Watch…”, something always comes along to save the day – well, today we have been saved by Sir Mick Jagger. Class! The Rolling Stones frontman and Winegums’ knight in white satin has spoken out in support of Winegums (who pulled out of her Stones opening slot a few months back due to “exhaustion” or the like), who he sees a little of himself in (and that’s not a metaphor). He says he wishes Amy was his own daughter so he could guide her through the murky music world. He added: “It’s a shame that happened. She would have been amazing on that tour. “It would have been full circle for the Stones, as she is like some of these classic soul singers from the past that inspired us. To have a woman that sings just like them in this time is wonderful. “If only she would sort herself out. It is hard as your mind has to make that switch. If my mind had not always told me that I should not do too much I could have ended up like Amy years ago. But I always had that voice in my head that kept me on my toes and told me to stop altogether in the end. I realised I didn’t want to die young.” His Mickness even went so far as to offer to record a duet with the troubled singer, if that’s what it would take to help get her back on track. And for once, we don’t think he means a special “duet” in the “recording studio” that exists, magically, between his bedsheets. More »

Sienna Miller Wants To Wear Kate Moss’ Beautiful Skin… Beautiful…

10:05AM Clem Bastow | Kate Moss has been moaning for some time that Sienna Miller is stealing Ms Moss’ thunder as an It girl and fashion trendsetter, and raiding her extended friendship group for new pals. Well, she’s sure to be delighted to hear that not only has Sienna poached Primrose Hill setter Rhys Ifans to be her special man friend, now the pair have gotten matching tattoos – only the tatt design is also something Kate Moss might feel Sienna is nicking from her. Following Miller’s drunken row with Kate Moss recently, when she confronted Sienna at a pal’s wedding and said she is sick of Sienna ’stealing’ her style, Rhys has clearly taken a big step to show her exactly where his loyalties lie. But maybe the tattoo will serve to convince Kate that she isn’t being paranoid – but is in fact right. Miss Moss already has a swallow tattoo, and has used them in her TopShop range. You know, if we were a canny cable TV producer (we picture ourselves as falling somewhere between Joe Francis and Aaron Spelling), we’d be signing these two up for a straight-to-TV remake of Single White Female, set in Notting Hill with an awesome soundtrack featuring Babyshambles and The Kills. More »

Supernanny Fails To Impress Upon TV Charges That Arson Is “Unasseptable”

10:00AM Clem Bastow | It seems all the naughty stools and Continental “pass-tah and soss” meals in the world weren’t enough to convince the children of the Young family that setting fire to your house probably isn’t a good idea. The five boys appeared on Supernanny a couple of years back, with mum Susan hoping that Jo Frost could tame her unruly brood. Apparently the changes were less than permanent. Her strict influence failed to last long enough to prevent the youngest, three-year-old Joel, being blamed for starting a blaze in the living room, apparently with a kitchen cooker lighter. …No one was injured but Mrs Young, 40, was given oxygen after inhaling fumes. Firemen spent 30 minutes dousing the flames but the interior of the house was covered in a thick, black layer of soot leaving it uninhabitable. We did come up with a highlarious little closing witticism for this story, but unfortunately one of Britain’s finest has beaten us to it: A spokesman for Essex Fire Service said: “Someone is certainly going to be sitting on the naughty step for quite some time.” Thanks for stealing our thunder, mate. Why don’t you go make yourself useful and, like, save some kittens or some shit. *petulant pouting* More »

Mark Da Costa Vows To Keep On Rocking; Marcia Hines Cancels Stock In Kleenex

9:43AM Clem Bastow | We’re not sure about Mark Da Costa being a “shock evictee” in the same league as Ricki-Lee or Bobby Flynn, but we will miss his Cester-lite hairdo and high-note crazy eyes – so we are pleased to announce (for Marcia Hines’ benefit, mainly) that he has made it his life’s mission to keep rocking in the free world (and not returning to a life of couriering, as we at first predicted). Da Costa plans to release an independent disc of no-doubt RAWKIN’ numbers, pulling in favours from a couple of industry pals including, er, the proprietor of Sydney pub The Welcome Hotel, amongst others. Adding a wealth of experience to the album project will be producer Craig Porteils, who has recorded big name international acts including Guns N’ Roses, Fleetwood Mac and Rod Stewart. Da Costa is likely to record his first album offering in the Eargasm studio in Kings Cross run by Porteils, who has been pals with the singer for eight years. If this “album project” doesn’t feature a) a power ballad or b) a photo of Da Costa staring into the camera with arms outstretched, we’re ringing Channel Ten for a refund on the roughly $3.05 we spent voting for Mark before we became bored of him. More »

Georgie Parker And Nicole Kidman In Theatre Vs. Film Smackdown!

9:39AM Clem Bastow | Okay, so that headline might have made this story look a little more exciting than it actually is, but humour us: Nicole Kidman has signed on to play the lead in the cinematic adaptation of Rabbit Hole (David Lindsay-Abaire’s play about parents’ grief at the death of their child, which recently won the Pulitzer for Drama), but Our Georgie Parker reckons the text should stay live on stage. Parker who plays Becca, the mother of the dead child, in the Ensemble Theatre production said the beauty of the play was the intimate grief of the characters shared with the audience. She said although the screenplay starring Nicole Kidman would be overseen by the playwright, the script was one for the stage. “Part of the beauty of this play is that the audience is here going through everything with you, as soon as you adapt it to a screen you’ve got a distance from that,” Parker said. In other words, Georgie is saying “As soon as you put Nicole Kidman in it and not me, it’s going to suck massive dog’s balls and you’ll be sorry you made that particular casting decision when your children wake up next to a severed horse’s head on Sunday morning”. Or words to that effect. More »