Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Allen Clan Bring The Lulz At Alfie’s Birthday
11:35AM Clem Bastow | In ‘Celebs: They Have Embarrassing Parents, Just Like Us’ news, Lily Allen – along with Dad Keith and mum Alison – all got on the sauce to help brother Alfie (namechecked in Lily’s titular song) celebrate his 21st birthday, with typically Allen-esque results.
Lil and Alf – who’s in new cinema hit Atonement – sucked on a bottle of bubbly and stuffed down dougnuts to fuel their antics, while on the dance floor Keith did dad-dancing to drum and bass. Horrors!
Apparently at around 1am mum insisted Lily head home to bed.
At least one British songstress is carrying the torch of boozing and partying, hmmm Amy? More » 
Taj Wipes Out Cheyenne; We Do Not Know Any Other Surfing Terms With Which To Make The Witty Puns
11:26AM Clem Bastow | In a decision he will possibly live to regret, pro-surfer Taj Burrows has dumped “Our” Cheyenne Tozzi, celebutante and model, the blonde swimwear pony has revealed in a shoot and interview with GQ.
Evidently Burrows wasn’t too keen to get any of Brandon “Oily Peanut Butter Man” Davis’ grease on him after Cheyenne was spotted lunching with the US heir-about-town.
“Taj and I broke up – he’s an easy-minded pro-surfer and didn’t need the extra shit in his head. I said: ‘Look I know those pictures look damning…”‘
Just think, Taj, now the grease monster will be free to drape his sweaty paws all over your pretty Shire princess.
Is this how you pictured your adult life when you were a child? IS IT? More » 
Idol Round-Up: Lana Leaves After Being Declared “Out Of Her Depth”, Australia Sez “You Don’t Say”
11:16AM Clem Bastow | Australian Idol finally did something right last night, ousting Perth teenager Lana Krost a few weeks later than should have been the case (about five weeks too late, to be exact).
The schoolgirl with the Mid-Atlantic accent of indeterminate origin faffed her way through weak-voiced renditions of songs we suspect she didn’t really understand, though we were slightly taken aback by the mature (read: very unlike previous schoolgirl Lauren “The Waterworks” Buckley) manner with which she acquitted herself post-eviction:
“I’m gonna look at it like I came 10th out of 35,000 people,” she said, wearing a girlish grin that had been largely absent during the past few week.
And then she sang a reprise of her Moloko cover and all the bile came flooding back.
We look forward to this week’s “acoustic” night and the accompanying, no doubt, soulful/meaningful/”special” performances full of deep male pain (as with the departure of another female contestant, we are, as Mark Holden so sagely put it, “heading into the testosterone zone”). More » 
Fears For Chipshop Baby
11:04AM Clem Bastow | Kerry “Chipshop” Katona, ex-wife of Brian “Potato” McFadden, alias Mr Delta Goodrem, is pregant with her fourth child, only this pregnancy is – according to “pals” and The Sun – not going so well.
Could it have anything to do with a previous scandal, the amazing headline of which is illustrating this story, aired by the Brit tabloids recently?
A source said: “She’s had problems with her other pregnancies – and this time she has been losing a lot of blood.
“The doctors weren’t sure exactly what the problem was at first, but now they know and it’s not looking good at all.â€
Despite the fact that Atomic Kitten were never better than when Chipshop left the group, this is (if it’s true) worrying news, and we hope all will soon be well in the world of the chav princess (provided it’s not due to drug use or poor parenting, in which case we will tut loudly).
No word on whether Delta had been spotted clutching a modified ‘Barbie Happy Family’ pregnant Midge doll and a packet of voodoo pins. More » 
Jason Donovan: “My Drug Hell”; Finally, A Chance To Use Our Favourite Headline!
10:57AM Clem Bastow | Clearly feeling he’d been out of the press for too long, Our Jase has admitted – mid-autobiography – to hoovering up the white stuff at Kate Moss’ 21st birthday party – so much, in fact, that he had to be carted away to hospital.
Yes, nothing can divide us, it seems, except a prodigious drug habit and the intervention of those pesky emergency servicepeople!
Donovan said he collapsed on the dance floor as the now deceased INXS frontman Michael Hutchence sang Van Morrison’s hit Gloria accompanied by [Johnny] Depp on guitar.
“I am not sure what happened next but I do know that someone had pulled the plug on the music and was calling for an ambulance,” Donovan said.
“A crowd had circled round me and Michael was standing over me trying to empty my trouser pockets.
“‘Have you got anything on you?’ he kept asking me.
Hutchence’s excuse was apparently that it wouldn’t be “cool” if the ambos found drugs on Our Jase’s person.
But what a scintillating picture he paints of the heady days of all-star substance abuse! The Viper Room! Depp! Hutchence! Moss! Donovan! Expect the rights to be optioned to the Hallmark Channel within the next few months. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Katie Melua Weighs In
10:55AM Clem Bastow | Winegums’ fellow “nu jazz” peer Katie Melua has made it clear she doesn’t want to be Amy Winehouse, telling Saint Victoria that she’d rather be known for her music than for her (non-existant) party lifestyle.
Evidently the closest thing to crazy Katie does is go to the pub, making her private life about as exciting as her music.
“I do go out boozing, but just not to the same places as Amy and Lily. You’ve got to know where to go to avoid press,†she tells us.
Instead, she prefers hanging around with friends she’s known since before she was struck by her huge success.
“All my friends are the same friends I had a few years ago – I’m not going to abandon them just because I’ve got a career,†she explains.
She goes on to stick the boot into Lily Allen as well, but we were catching some much-needed zzzs by the end of the article, so click through if you want to “enjoy” some more of Melua’s Peter Jackson super-mild quotes.
Amy, please do something, anything, soon! More » 
The Mid-Morning Wrap Up
10:30AM Anna King | While you were sleeping: We actually rate the White Stripes, but there is no denying that this might not be Meg White’s sex tape because the girl in the video’s got rhythm. Marcia Brady’s memoir: now with no selling points! Britney’s ex-bodyguard has a whinge. It’s still good: Horny Warney’s texting prowess again in the spotlight, denies it’slegitimately cheating. We want truckloads of firemen to put out the fire in our grates! News Ltd discovers Leave Britney Alone Guy. More »
No Non-Alice Lesbianism Behind The ‘Brady’ Scenes: Publisher
8:00AM Defamer Hollywood | Generations of Brady Bunch fans were shocked to learn of the Marcia/Jan lesbian teen romp rumours that set the internets ablaze on Friday, finding it difficult to envision Marcia combing the back of her mullet 100 times before engaging her sister in a vigorous tribbing session beneath a faded Billie Jean King poster. It promised to be the most unforgettable chapter of Here’s the Story, Maureen McCormick’s upcoming memoir – and one the publisher doesn’t remember reading: The book publisher for Maureen McCormick, who played Marcia Brady on the 1970s sitcom “The Brady Bunch,” is shooting down rumours that she had a lesbian on-set affair with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her younger sister Jan. More »
