Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Apparently It’s ‘Talk Like A Pirate Day’
4:20PM Jess McGuire | We’re ashamed to admit that Talk Like A Pirate day nearly slipped right by us without comment, but thankfully we spent a totally torture-free afternoon merrily perusing the blogs of the “mainstream media” (Sauron to the blogosphere’s Frodo, from what we can understand) and stumbled across this.
Avast! Swash your Bucklers – if ye are foolhardy enough to try buckling
your swash it’s a keelhaul waitin’ for ye! What piratical skullduggery are ye corsairs, buccaneers and picaroons of the Great Southern Ocean up to on Talk Like a Pirate Day? Smartly now, me lads and lasses – or it’s the bosun’s pleasure you be…
Somewhat coincidentally, Defamer Australia chose this very afternoon to launch Anyone Who Walks Around A Home Or Workplace Actually Talking Like A Pirate Today But Doesn’t Resemble Johnny Depp In Any Way, Shape, Or Form Is About To Score A Punch In The Fucking Face Day!
Please celebrate it however you see fit.
More » 
One Of These Fashionable Things Is Not Like The Others…
10:24AM Clem Bastow | Being fans of fashion’s more left-of-centre denizens, we were saddened to hear of stylist and muse Isabella Blow’s death in May this year; however, like most hideous fash parasites, we also thought “Imagine what the guest list at that funeral is going to be like!”
Well, we had a guilty little laugh this morning as we trawled through the photos of mourners arriving at Blow’s memorial service in London and, well, we’ll let you see why after the jump: More » 
Naomi Robson Unleashes The Power Within; Sticks Fingers Up Nose To Do So
10:11AM Clem Bastow | Former Today Tonight host and lizard fan Naomi Robson has been prepping for upcoming meetings with Channel Seven bosses not by rejigging her CV or polishing up her public speaking skills, but rather by attending an Anthony Robbins seminar.
As you do, of course!
The out-of-work presenter, whose credits include rescuing “cannibal” orphans and wearing lizards on her shoulders, spent four days “unleashing the power within” at an Anthony Robbins motivation seminar at the Sydney Entertainment Centre before her talks with Ten bosses on Monday afternoon.
Robson enjoyed all the hand-clapping from her $4000-a-head “Diamond” seat, with onlookers saying she was “moaning and groaning” and “screaming and crying” as Robbins encouraged the group to experience pleasure and pain.
Apparently that involved sticking one’s fingers up one’s nose and striding across hot coals.
No word as to whether Robson responded to all this by turning slowly to face whoever was watching and saying, “Mmm… I won’t be doing that again in a hurry; Naomi Robson with that report” while everyone backed away. More » Movie Fans Choose Fantasy Schools; Fail At School Of Life
9:57AM Clem Bastow | Ah, bless: movie fans have been furiously logging on to the website of Pearl & Dean (remember their obnoxiously loud cinema ads in the ’80s?) to vote in a very important competition. To wit, choosing which cinematic school they would most like to attend in real life.
It’s true, we have no words; here is the top ten they decided upon
1. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Harry Potter series – 38 per cent
2. Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters: X-men – 17 per cent
3. St. Trinian’s: St. Trinian’s series – 10 per cent
4. Rydell High School: Grease – eight per cent
5. Horace Green Preparatory School: The School of Rock seven per cent
6. South Park Elementary: South Park The Movie: Bigger, Longer and Uncut – six per cent
7. Hill Valley High School: Back to the Future – six per cent
8. New York City High School for the Performing Arts: Fame – four per cent
9. Shermer High School: The Breakfast Club – three per cent
10. Lake Forest High School: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – one per cent
So, basically, these “people” would like to attend a school that (in descending order) officially doesn’t exist and is haunted by dementors (etc); gets wasted by evil mutants; we’ve never heard of; is full of uptight white collar wankers’ children; is taught by psychotic transsexuals; hands out tardy passes like candy; is so competitive it turns innocent Irene Cara to porn; is run by a drunk-on-power hard-arse who likes to threaten students with violence and whole-day detentions; and whose principal is a borderline psychopath that abuses animals (and turned out to be a kiddy fiddler).
Top choices, nerds! More » 
Chloe Lattanzi Records Skinny Song, Is Mistaken For Hat-stand In Hotel Foyer
9:43AM Clem Bastow | The spawn of Our Olivia Newton John, Chloe Lattanzi, has been publicly struggling with her weight for some time now, however this past weekend she was seen at the Emmys looking half her usual size – and when your usual size is roughly size ‘000′, then that’s a cause for concern.
However, what’s really got Them worrying is Chloe’s latest choon (posted on her MySpaz); she is currently in LA and trying to make it as a singer/songwriter.
The shocking lyrics of Delicious seemingly document the eating disorder which she claimed to have beaten earlier this year.
Disturbingly, one verse reads: “Can’t stop moving, I’m running away/ And I’m losing my reason to feel/ All this wasting away is for you/ ‘Cuz I need you to see that I’m real.”
Well, it’s no “Ana wrecks your life/Like an anorexic life”, but beggars can’t be choosers.
Anyway, so long as Chloe doesn’t call her first album “My Thinspiration”, we can probably assume she’s dealing with all this in her own way. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Spotted Without Trademark Eyeliner, Things Clearly Awry
9:41AM Clem Bastow | Winegums is the gift that just keeps on giving, having in the last day or so a) been spotted clutching a blood-stained handkerchief and b) showing her face in public without b.1) her beehive or b.2) her signature cat’s eyes.
Something is clearly afoot at the Circle K!
Despite what appeared to be a refreshing escape to St Lucia with husband Blake Fielder-Civil last month, it seems Winehouse has resumed destructive behaviour in recent times.
Her family continue to be concerned, with her mother Janis Winehouse recently saying: “Amy is playing Russian roulette with her health and musical gift.”
Well, duh. This is Winegums we’re talking about here, mum. More » 
Judge Orders Britney Spears To Get Drug Testing, Parenting Lessons
9:00AM Defamer Hollywood | Faced with the Solomonic dilemma of deciding whether to award custody of steadily working celebrity-weekly cover models Sean Preston and Other One Federline to a former pop star mother prone to vagina-flashing, poorly lip-synced breaks with reality or to to the background-dancing father who impregnated his way to parasitic fame and fortune, a judge ruled on Monday to allow Britney Spears and her ex-husband to continue their joint-neglect arrangement, but did institute a number of court-mandated guidelines the parents need to follow if they hope to keep the state of California from impounding the adorable tykes. But wisely realising that Spears might need extra help in getting her parenting skills up to an acceptable level, the judge added some supplemental Britney Rules to his decree, as reported by UsMagazine.com’s blogspot: More »
Spector Trial Jury Hung; Judge Sends Everyone Home To Get Unhung Before This Drags On Any Longer
8:30AM Defamer Hollywood | Shocking a world that expected it to return the first ever official “So fucking guilty. I mean, come on, look at that guy!” verdict in the history of American jurisprudence, the jury in the Phil Spector murder trial today instead informed the court that it was unable to reach a verdict in the case. Perhaps suspecting that a number of his jurors had somehow been exposed to the mesmerising, reasonable-doubt-instilling stare of Team Spector’s sad-eyed Great Dane, Judge Larry Paul Fidler sent them home for the day, hoping that they’ll return in a more unanimously decisive mood tomorrow. Reports the LAT: “It is possible I may give you further instructions tomorrow,” Fidler told the nine men and three women on the jury. He warned the jury that he might ask the lawyers to reargue a part of the instructions. “Just set the case aside for the rest of the day,” he said and then dismissed them for the day More »
