Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Idol Round-Up: Illogical Admission Of Partial Deafness In Singing Comp Sends Brianna Home

11:18AM Clem Bastow | We were almost disappointed in last night’s Idol verdict, not because we actually like Brianna Carpenter and her “quirky” collection of big buttons and red-and-purple tights, but mainly because the Final 10 are now so batshit boring that we’re struggling to stay interested in Idol this year. Rest assured, of course, that we will stay interested, for YOU! Her greatest feat of the night was retaining her composure as she was lambasted by the judges for being out of tune and out of time with a performance of Supertramp’s The Logical Song. “It wasn’t a bit of a caning, it was a massive caning,” she said when asked about Sunday night’s on stage embarrassment. Actually, scratch that: of course we are pleased to see the back of her and her assymetrical hairdo; she’s a back-talking sassy-pants with no concept of moisturising foundation and the pitch of a flat-roofed toilet block. Good riddance! More »

Is It Coz I Is Amnesiac?

11:11AM Clem Bastow | Everyone’s favourite supermodel mouth, Naomi Campbell, has accused British Vogue of racism, claiming that the colour of her skin is the reason they’ve never given her a cover. “I’ve never been on the cover of British Vogue and I’ve asked a million times and they’ve always refused me,” Campbell said. “They’ll put the same white model for half the year – I swear, like six times – but wouldn’t put me on once in my own country. But I still want my British Vogue cover!” This is the sort of injustice we’d usually be totally right-on and come out fighting for, but, er, well, she’s been on the cover – eight times. Sure, Vogue – like MTV – aren’t known for being particularly progressive in their cover model choices at the best of times, but, like, Naomi, do you even look in your book? More »

The Mid-Morning Wrap Up

11:10AM Anna King | While you were sleeping: George Bush giveth, Fox taketh away: “They don’t like her. They really don’t like her” Field on goddamn censorship. Surely the real question is: Who doesn’t want to off K-Fed? Oh wait… Memo to Matt Damon: nice is so yesterday. It’s still good: Hey, if we looked like Sienna Miller, we’d be frolicking around in nothing but a floral wreath as well. Cherie Blair and Tarantino BFFs 4EVA We can always rely on Idol to inflict pain on our delicate senses. More »

Idol Marty Feeling A Right Tit

10:46AM Clem Bastow | We were all wondering just what Kyle was going on about during Idol on Sunday night when he referred to the “hard time” surfer dude Marty was having with “rumours”, given that we’d heard nothing of the sort. Well, it appears Kyle wasn’t just shooting off his mouth, and that Police fan and questionable tattoo-sporting Marty has his eyes – and hands – on one of his fellow contestants. “As soon as I finished, the publicity crew flew around and said: ‘please don’t tell anyone that Marty’s doing one of the girls in the house’,” Sandilands said on his 2Day FM brekky show yesterday. As to just who they are all talking about, well, we have no idea – the pic accompanying this piece is just an artistic impression of what might be going on. Just sayin’ is all. More »

There Is Nothing Like A Dame Wearing Perspex Stripper Shoes

10:41AM Clem Bastow | Dame Helen Mirren has revealed the lucky charm that she reckons last night snared her an Emmy (for Prime Suspect; her fourth in total): ho shoes. She bought the six-inch stunnas last year; finding herself en route to the Shrine Auditorium and realising she’d forgotten to pack her matching shoes, Dame Helen dashed into a classy Hollywood emporium and picked up a pair that wouldn’t look out of place in the cupboard of Miss Exotic Angel and frenzied hand-clapper, Yanina. The Perspex six-inch high stilettos were bought in a frenzy hours before last year’s ceremony when the 62-year-old actress realised she had forgotten her high heels. At the time she joked: “My biggest triumph is not falling arse over tit. If you saw the shoes I had on you would understand.” This year she had clearly decided that the shoes, which would be more at home on an exotic dancer, would be a good omen as she gave them another outing, with equally rewarding results. Honestly, every time we read something like this about Mirren, we just love her a little bit more. Word that Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven were planning frenzied talks with Dame Helen re: a possible starring role in Showgirls: The Legacy could not be confirmed. More »

Cosima Hopes Nodjooz Will Stir Up Sympathy In The Courtroom

10:39AM Clem Bastow | With all parties no doubt shocked that Cosima De Vito’s singing career wasn’t the Celine Dion-style mega-seller they were expecting (although we did once sell her debut album’s promo pack on Ebay for $60), ex-Idol Final 3 loser Cosima De Vito is in court this week, as her former managers will be suing her for breach of contract. Their lawsuit will allege the diva made their professional roles “untenable”, while De Vito has lodged a counter claim, stating the management team were “negligent” in guiding her singing career. Nellis and Gardner took on the singer after she was widely shunned by local record companies, following her stunning withdrawal from the Channel 10 competition with throat nodules. Yes, it was “stunning” – in fact, sometimes in the middle of the night we still wake up sweating after hearing the howls of that audience member who cried out “NOO!!” after Cosima’s announcement as though they’d seen hell and we were all in it. And, speaking of hell, Cosima has a new album out at the end of the month. More »

Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Back On Track!

10:28AM Clem Bastow | You know, it almost brings a little tear to our eye to announce that today’s Winegums watch is nothing to do with brawls, punch-ons, bags of crack or cat AIDS, but rather the reason we all came to love Amy Winehouse to begin with: her music! Yes, after a few months playing the part of a tabloid editor’s dream, Winegums is planning to get back into the studio to record new material. Have we all gone mad, Ray? I guess so, Pete! The jazz diva has back-combed her bee-hive once more and is now back to work on a hotly-anticipated new album after insisting: “I’m sorted out. Nothing’s wrong with me.” … The singer, who turned 24 last week, told us: “I’m writing some new stuff and can’t wait to be back on tour.” The story goes on to mention that Winegums is clearly a woman after our own heart, having taken it upon herself to gain a few much-needed pounds by feasting on fast food. We’ve seen the pics and we can’t wait for the day we can chow down on a medium Cheeseburger Meal with Winegums. Only then will we be truly happy. More »