Monday, September 10, 2007
“On My Command, Unleash Television Hell!”
10:57AM Jess McGuire | There we were thinking the new Nick Giannopoulos “project” was going to be the greatest thing to hit our television screens for the next decade… then we discover…
… are you ready?
Those daring programming motherfuckers at Channel Seven are bringing Gladiators back.
GLADIATORS! GLADIATORS!
We’ll stop screaming and offer up the press release after the jump. More » 
Hard Hitting Investigative Journalism Reveals Link Between Posh Spice And The ‘Outbreak’ Monkey
10:33AM Clem Bastow | If you need a Mondayitis antidote, then try this hilarious “investigative” piece from the Mail, which suggests that Mrs Beckham is spreading her size ‘0′ obsession like a virus, starting with poor, defenseless Eva Longoria.
Michael Crichton got nothin’ on these suspense-mongers!
It seems that eating out with Victoria has the same effect as taking a very strong appetite suppressant. And Eva, always noted for her slim but curvy frame, is shrinking fast.
The Desperate Housewife appears to have become the latest member of Posh’s skinny brigade – a select group of women striving to emulate their size zero leader.
And their numbers are growing.
THEIR NUMBERS ARE GROWING! That’s as good a tag line as “Whoever Wins, We Lose” or “Our World, Their War”.
The article goes on to note that obesity can also be “caught” from friends, but “Roseanne Barr Is Spreading Fat Flu” probably didn’t make it past the first round of subeditors. We look forward to the straight-to-DVD suspense/thriller adaptation of this story, starring Chynna Philips as Posh Spice and James Woods as David Beckham. More » 
Dunst’s Excuse For Dumping Borrell A Little On The Nose
10:18AM Clem Bastow | Razorlight’s Johnny Borrell was shocked to discover that Kirsten Dunst didn’t really enjoy his taking apart motorcycles in her living room, telling The Mirror that she broke up with him because his less than savoury hygiene habits were taking the shine off her London abode.
Johnny, 27, said: “We were leading different lifestyles. It’s over. She believes in equality, that a bloke should chip in with the housework. Fair enough, but I’m messy, and I love messing around with bikes.
“She couldn’t stand the smell of stale fags, beer and kebabs in her nice living room. Can’t say I blame her, really.”
Wow, he sounds like a real catch! Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst – whose snaggletooth gives us hope that our mangled mouths won’t stand in the way of our one day pashing Orlando Bloom and/or Jake Gyllenhaal – remains one of the few Hollywood stars who looks like she’d be a right hoot on a night on the tiles. We’ll help you mend your broken heart, Kiki! The Jagerbombs are on us! More » Amy Winehouse Watch: We Are Shocked To Inform You There Is No, No, No Amy News Today :-(
9:49AM Clem Bastow | You read it right. Honestly, we just don’t know what to do with ourselves. We do not, however, think that this will be the death of Amy-watch, oh no.
To tide you over, here is one of our favourite Winegums moments of all time – Amy on Never Mind The Buzzcocks!
Now you must all go and say some prayers to Saint Victoria Newton that we will get another round of Winegums antics this week. God bless. More » 
World Surprised To Hear That Daniel Radcliffe’s Cinematic Sex Scene Wasn’t All That Hot
9:35AM Clem Bastow | In news to make us all feel slightly uncomfortable, Daniel “Harry Potter” Radcliffe, he of the perpetual and rather alarming intensity, has revealed that filming his first onscreen bonkfest wasn’t particularly alluring.
Daniel, 18, gets to grips with Teresa Palmer, 21, in new movie December Boys.
But at the LA premiere he confessed: “It’s probably the least sexy scene ever.”
You don’t say!
Poor Daniel is one of those people who should be banned from smiling – look at him, he’s so… anxious! Can you imagine rolling around in the sheets with him? He’d probably say things like “yeah, you dirty bitch” and then cry afterwards. More » 
Dirty Bert Giving Channel 9 Audiences Bad Vibrations
9:30AM Clem Bastow | Channel 9 has been served a can of whoop ass by a watchdog after the network failed to respond adequately to complaints issued about the ‘whoops matron’-style gags made by Bert Newton on Bert’s Family Feud.
Family groups are sooking because not only did Bert get all Brighton Pier in the 5pm timeslot, but because the gags are still being replayed on the ninemsn website.
The controversy follows Newton’s man-on-man pash with Rove McManus for charity and greeting Footy Show compere Garry Lyon on air with “Hello Garry, you old poof”.
…
Viewers slammed the airing at 5pm of the incident in which the topic of sex toys was repeatedly brought up. Newton asked a young female contestant to name a gift that was hard to return.
“This is a pretty filthy answer, but it’s all I can think of and there’s dirty people in your audience,” the woman said. “So I’m going to go with vibrator.”
Newton then made a series of vibrator jokes. “I can hear a hum of some kind,” he said before telling the woman to check her trousers. Newton then asked the contestant’s sister if she wanted “to get down and dirty” and, while hugging the woman, said: “I think you may have left your motor running.”
Is there no end to the man’s genius? Can you imagine being bear-hugged by Bert (who is, we should mention, probably one of the tallest and biggest – like he’s been zapped by the Honey, I Blew Up The Kid! ray – men we’ve ever clapped eyes upon) while he made a series of vibrator-related single-entendres? Our minds are collectively boggling!
If we start a petition to get Bert to host every televised awards ceremony in the country, will you sign it? More » 