Seventeen thousand thumbs up, followed by a gentle self-harming session whilst listening to Dashboard Confessional, to Crikey.com.au for the stunningly and wonderfully emo tribute to recently deceased opera star Luciano Pavarotti that opens today's newsletter.

Luciano Pavarotti is dead. Why does this resonate? Because the life of Pavarotti is an allegory for our time, our decadent decline made flesh.

Here was a man blessed by talent, art and beauty who was consumed by vanity and the dumb blandishments of vapid celebrity. A man gifted with an abundant natural resource - a larynx touched by God he thought - a creature of incalculable, classical, learned beauty that ended up stuffing itself with lard and singing duets with Bono.

This is our age on legs: cancer laden, caked in hair dye, fake tan and kohl, still sort of singing. Then dead. RIP.

"Then dead. RIP."

BRILLIANT.

Girls Aloud's party girl Sarah Harding has told Bizarre that her wild-boozing days are over, confessing to our girl Victoria Newton that she doesn't want to be known as "a slapper or a pisshead".

Harding also tries to blame some of her less flattering paparazzi photos (i.e. looking WAAAAAASTED) on the effects of being "hosed down"* by snappers.

She says: "I can't say I'm not a binge drinker. I do go out and drink and get photographed but I'm not always as wasted as people think. Sometimes I'm blinking because of all the camera flashes going off."

Jeez, Girls Aloud can't let all their drunken, toilet-attendent-slapping, dodgy-bloke-choosing antics slip away from them; it's rare to find a pop outfit these days who can combine entertaining off-duty antics with really good music!

* "hosing down" is not just a Ghostbusters reference, it's also pap-speak for the act of stunning and confusing a celeb with rapid and repeated camera flashes. They're a civilised bunch, aren't they?

God Kanye West was on the prowl at this week's GQ Men of The Year Awards party, setting his sights on fellow attendee, Our Natalie "Boog"* Imbruglia (pictured here striking an, er, striking pose on the red carpet at the event).

West apparently was unaware Boog is married to Our Daniel Johns, sending an aide to her side with the following message:

Nats was treated to the line: "Kanye thinks you're beautiful and he doesn't take no for an answer."

Putting aside the fact that we'd love to not give Kanye no for an answer (we shure write good, read good too), we were surprised to read that Boog did hand over her number, though presumably for artistic reasons.

Perhaps Kanye can do an Adam Levine/John Mayer on Boog and put a little Kanye gilding on her decidedly AOR credentials?

* "Boog" is her childhood nickname; she revealed this back in the day in an interview with Dolly that clearly made an impression on us.

With Winegums laying low after her Mercury Awards walk-out, peer and sometime rival Lily Allen has taken this opportunity to keep Winegums Watch afloat by sending the embattled soul singer some words of support.

The pair have been chart rivals, but at Tuesday night's GQ Men of the Year Awards Lily said: "My heart goes out to her. I feel for her so much with everything that's happened and I really hope she's OK."

Lily, 22, who presented a Best Band gong to the Kaiser Chiefs, added: "You don't need drugs to be creative. No one needs them."

Well, she would say that, since all she indulges in are a few snifters and a couple of jazz fags.

Meanwhile, we thought it best to remind you all that despite what Winegums Watch may suggest, we here are first and foremost fans of Miss Winehouse's formidable musical talent, which was thankfully in full effect at the Mercury Awards. In a little end-of-the-week treat, check out Amy's stunning performance of Love Is A Losing Game after the jump.

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While you were sleeping:
· Welcome to The Club, Owen.
· Republicans learn from Bush presidency, enlists professional actor as new candidate in their bid to legitimise taking innocent lives, gay-bashing etc.
· Just when we're thinking it's been too long since we've seen Seacrest's overexposed adorable mug.

It's still good:
· Conservatives nationwide appalled by fingerbanging, Andrew Bolt shocked to discover the location of the clitoris.
· In case we're out of touch and you actually do still care about Delta Goodrem.
· Pavarotti: going, going, gone.

Ex-Home & Away star and Dolly Prince Of TV hottie Dieter Brummer has re-emerged in a rather unsavoury manner, copping a charge for a mid-range drink-driving escapade on August 4th (he blew 0.125 - good work, champ!).

Unfortunately for Dieter, however, the saddest part about this story is not the opportunity to remind him just how well former on-screen love Melissa George's career is doing, but rather this rather pathetic little closer to the news item:

Three months before his drink driving charge, Brummer's mother told a Sydney-based radio station he was currently working as a window cleaner.

We're sure that after that admission she'd have been receiving a steady stream of boxes of Roses chocolates from Dieter.

Good on ya, mum!

It seems the British press just can't get enough of Kylie Minogue's hairdressing choices, with another report on her follicular follies - this time, it seems she's gone for... a retro updo!

Please read on while we mop our brows with a cold flannel and try to find our neutral space.

Kylie was sporting a new hairstyle putting her a-head of her celebrity opponents at a charity bowling tournament.

The singer's new look had an echo of Sixties sex kitten Brigitte Bardot.

Heart-stopping news there, from the same quality publication that brought this story to our attention. We're just glad that we've managed to stay in the fast-paced loop that is the world of hairstyling for one more week.

Once again, our friend Born Dancin' has managed to uncover yet another nugget of interweb insanity on YouTube which has pleased us beyond belief.

Says Senor Dancin' -

The first 11 seconds are some of the most gripping drama in TV history. Because it's from Japan, I watched it with no idea what the hell was going on - it features a giant green kids character having some kind of seizure and his shaggy brown friend going apeshit and demanding medics or something. All along there's this ultra-amazing soundtrack that just screams URGENCY, and Brown's eyes flipping around on springs only add to the frantic performance.

Then we have about 1/4 second of a little toy bucket and spade from the WTF section of the local Toyworld and we move to an extended live dance concert featuring Epileptic Green and Furry Poo.

It's not Citizen Kane - it's not even The Magnificent Ambersons - but it is two people dressed in vaguely humiliating outfits doing some passable breakdancing.

And maybe that's all I want out of life.

Touche, Born Dancin'.

And now? The amazing clip. Three thumbs up for the excellent use of Earth, Wind and Fire.

If this isn't the cutest, most amazing thing you've ever seen (today) then we'll buy a hat, and then we'll eat that hat, so certain are we of young Katie-Lee Webster's universal appeal.

Says the Daily Mail -

At only ten weeks old she already has the flowing locks of a child several times her age. Her mother, Stephanie Pleasance, said: "Most people when they see a baby say 'Isn't she cute?'. When people see her, they say "Look at her hair!'."

Katie-Lee's father, Danny Webster, added: "No one we've met has ever seen anything like it - we're forever being stopped in the street and asked, 'Is that a wig?'."

It is no wig, friends. It is nature's wee ginger miracle.

We're sure we're not the only ones who have been quite literally on the edge of our seat watching the increasingly nasty divorce proceedings of Greg and Laura Norman. "Won't they just stop the fighting and part amicably, in a scenario that is financial pleasing to both parties?" we would plead aloud to no one in particular, "After all, don't their 25 years of love and marriage deserve a dignified end?"

Good news, then!

Greg Norman's bitter $US500 million ($610 million) divorce battle appears to be approaching a peaceful end.

The champion Australian golfer and his soon to be ex-wife of 25 years, Laura, came face-to-face today in a Florida court, with both sides agreeing to allow a judge to enter a final judgment settling most aspects of their divorce, Florida's Palm Beach Post newspaper's website reported.

The terms of the settlement are confidential.

Planning your work's festivus celebration in December, but unable to agree upon the entertainment? Sal in marketing is insisting on Amazing Danny, the popular party magician, whilst Jamal from accounts won't stop raving about the Boogie Fever 70's Retro Disco Show Band. If something isn't decided upon quick sticks, there will be blood shed!

Well, bicker no longer, because you'd be MAD to miss out on hiring pink streak-happy Devon soul singer Joss Stone - for a totally reasonable $100,000!

As the 20-year-old singer is swinging into Sydney for a series of concert dates in early December, her US management have contacted celebrity endorsement agency Markson Sparks! to help them capitalise on her visit.

"Joss Stone is looking for commercial endorsements/sponsorship opportunities while she is touring OZ in December this year,'' was the notice posted by a Markson Sparks! publicist on industry website Social Diary yesterday.

"There is also an opportunity to have her perform live at your next private event."

But as this lovely lady isn't your average RSL entertainer, those keen to sign Stone to their stage should expect to dig deep - you'll need at least 100,000 big ones.

Being a bit short of a buck at the moment, it looks like Defamer Australia will have to pass on the idea of getting Joss to perform at our end of year knees up. Never mind. Instead, Defamer Australia's associate editor Clem "CLAM!" Bastow and yours truly will simply continue indulging in what we like to refer to during I'd Rather Jack as Joss Stone Primal Scream Therapy.

Essentially, this involves two people singing the chorus of Joss Stone's MEGA HIT Super Duper Love back and forth - ensuring that the throaty passion of Ms Stone's voice is impersonated and yes, exaggerated, to the nth degree.

Person 1: Yeh! Are you diggin' on me?
Person 2: Oooooh! I'm diggin' on you now, baby!

(repeat)

It may sound strange, but it's incredibly soothing and tends to calm even the most stressed of individuals. So if you can't afford to muster up the cash for actual Joss Stone, then simply indulge in some Joss Stone Primal Scream Therapy* - it's free, and the aural cacophony that'll ensue will probably be just as pleasant to listen to as the star herself!

*Coming soon - Toni Childs' Primal Growl Therapy, involving the song "Stop Your Fussin'"

· Phil Spector showed off his new hairstyle at the closing arguments of his trial today, clearly hoping throwing some mid-'80s Liza the jury's way might earn him some last-minute sympathy votes.
· Michael Lohan has reportedly reunited with his estranged daughter Lindsay at Utah's Cirque Lodge, where he presented her with a brand new cartoon depicting her Denalijacking and subsequent arrest as yet another hilarious misadventure of the Archie gang.
· John Cusack gets real about his legacy.
· Good thing those Philadelphia morning show hosts didn't give away the promotional bullet-proof baby carriage.
· Time's "The 100 Best TV Shows of All-TIME" is surely going to be the source of much debate, beginning with the glaring absence of The Powerpuff Girls.

Things appear to have stabled since last week's shocking turn of events that saw Owen Wilson attempt drastic, life-ending measures upon himself: He was released from the hospital, and The Darjeeling Limited director Wes Anderson told the AP that the actor was "doing very well, he has been making [friends] laugh". And lest fans despair that there may be no hope for a full recovery for their cherished Butterscotch Stallion, perhaps they'll find some reassurance in MentalFloss.com's gargantuan list of famous people who unsuccessfully attempted suicide, only to return from the brink stronger, happier, and fully equipped to star in everything from major motion pictures to seasons of The Surreal Life:

Halle Berry - admitted to Parade magazine that, distraught over her failed marriage to baseball star David Justice, she tried to end her life by carbon monoxide poisoning.

Drew Carey - after a rough childhood that included sexual molestation by an unknown party and his father's death, the lovable Price is Right host attempted suicide twice in his teen years.

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[Note: video possibly NSFW] The release of the red-band trailer for Beowulf finally provides a promising demonstration of the powerful motion-capture technology director Robert Zemeckis has been trying to perfect over the last handful of years. While earlier versions of his moviemaking technique were able to produce nothing more impressive than disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in The Polar Express and somewhat less disturbingly dead-eyed, animated children in Monster House, the director's mainframes can now generate computer-enhanced images of a naked, golden Angelina Jolie so compellingly lifelike that audiences will momentarily forget about all the fantasy-destroying, do-gooding baggage she's accumulated since acquiring her debilitating orphan-collecting addiction.

• Beowulf Uncensored Internet Trailer [YouTube]

In their review of 3:10 To Yuma, AfterElton.com detects "yet another coded gay villain" amid its cast of outlaws, adding Charlie Prince to the pantheon of memorable but politically incorrect screen baddies like The Silence of the Lambs's Buffalo Bill, 300's Xerxes, and Collateral's Vincent the Hitman. As portrayed by Ben Foster, an actor best known for having played Claire's creepy bisexual art school boyfriend on Six Feet Under and X-Men: The Last Stand's winged and six-packed (read: gay) Angel, it becomes exceedingly clear from Charlie's first appearance just which gang he runs with:

When we first see Charlie Prince, he is astride his horse, one hand draped delicately over the other with the limpest wrist this side of the Mississippi river. He is by far the nattiest dresser in the entire cast, and if that isn't mascara he's wearing when we first meet him then I'm Buffalo Bill. [...]

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· The trades mourn the recent silencing of their favourite of the Three Tenors. [Variety, THR] [THR]
· Scott Rudin beats out Warner Bros, Universal, Sony, and New Line for the movie rights to the historical novel I, Claudius, with Leo DiCaprio and his The Departed screenwriter William Monahan expected to jump ship from their failed WB bid to join the winning Rudin team. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance, East Coast Edition: NY-based CAA bigshot Bart Walker leaves the evil agenting monolith to form a talent management division at indie film powerhouse Cinetic. We expect reports of the mysterious torching of Walker's apartment to emerge shortly. [THR]
· Apple and Hollywood still can't decide whether to fuck or fight. [Variety]
· Studio execs head into the Toronto Film Festival with "fat wallets and a healthy appetite for product", ready to snap up any movie they think might make a buck during a possible strike by the guilds. [Variety]

OMG! OMG! Britney Spears is going to open the VMAs! And MTV has reportedly hired Criss Angel to create the mind-freaking illusion that she's on stage dancing and lip-syncing to new single "Gimme More", instead of sitting in her dressing room, drinking vodka tonics and trying to feed her babies Twinkies dipped in Gerber strained peas. [Extra]

The Ellen Degeneres Show's new season debuted this week from New York, where she introduced audiences to her new DJ, KROQ's and Loveline's Stryker - though the two seem to be suffering from a chemistry deficiency. On today's episode, Stryker made an off-colour joke that involved the word "bitches," prompting an awkward, angry lecture about the differences between radio and TV standards and practices.

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Pretty much everything you need to know to get a sense of how bad things were for the networks during last week's Nielsen apocalypse is contained in CNN.com's always-handy Story Highlights box. Except for this fun fact: that ratings-leading Two and a Half Men episode was a rerun. This, of course, is great news for CBS, which now knows that when it can't be bothered to make even a token attempt at providing its viewers with fresh entertainment, it can still count on ten million people to show up and mumble along with months-old Charlie Sheen punchlines instead of flipping over to see if anyone had their hearts explode on a first-run episode of Fat March.

• TV networks have one of worst weeks ever [CNN.com]

Having steadily risen the variety show emceeing ranks since he was plucked from relative obscurity by the immaculately manicured hand of Merv Griffin himself, it was really only a matter of time before American Idol host and E! red carpet munchkin Ryan Seacrest would be asked to preside over a major awards telecast. But until that day comes, he's more than happy to take on the Emmys. Talking to THR about the high-profile gig, Seacrest spoke of having to stretch past his copy-regurgitating comfort zone into the realm of jazz-hand-waving song and dance man:

Emmy host Ryan Seacrest said Wednesday that he is forgoing an opening monologue in favour of a musical number at the upcoming 59th Primetime Emmy Awards ceremony.

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With Law & Order star Fred Thompson's well-publicised announcement of his presidential candidacy still fresh in everyone's minds, the LAT's Cause Cèlebré column takes an opportunity to evaluate the former senator's prospects for raising some of the seemingly limitless industry... Read More »

Since we're assuming that you forgot to tune into the Tonight Show last night to watch Hollywood-related political history being made, here's a clip of the district attorney from Law & Order dramatically stating his intention to become the President of all the U.S. Americans, an announcement that host Jay Leno helped celebrate with a series of hilarious, mocked-up campaign bumper stickers pointing out that Italian last names are difficult to spell and that the former senator is not an indiscreet seeker of homosexual encounters in airport bathrooms. If this footage isn't enough to convince you of Thompson's qualifications for our Nation's highest office, we recommend that you view the video posted after the jump, which condenses his impressive career achievements into an easily digestible slideshow:

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