Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Idol Round-Up: OMG ITS UR FINAL 12!!1
10:59AM Clem Bastow | The Wildcard winners were announced last night, saddening anyone who thought Husny Thalid was a bit of orright, wanted to see Sarah Lloyde “do” Dreamgirls one more time (or cry one more time), witness Dave “Anderson” Andrews be so forgettable Andrew G might give him another surname, or experience Jack Byrnes’ terrifying dancing or faintly yucky sweat fringe a third time.
Through to the Final 12 and rounding out the field are Carl Riseley, Mark Da Costa, Daniel Mifsud and Natalie Gauchi.
We’re reasonably happy with this year’s bunch, even if it is low on women and high on 16/17-year-olds; for once the “rock” contestants don’t actually blow chunks, and there are enough idiosyncrasies amongst the others to make the field about as varied as you can get on Idol. We also look forward to this year’s awkward Final 12 Mazda “Zoom Zoom” promo, and hope someone can top last year’s Bobby “Manic Jiggling” Flynn in the spasticity stakes – we’re tipping Ben McKenzie.
Our Pick To Leave This Week: Lana Krost or Holly Wienert. More » 
Amy Winehouse Round-Up: Back In The UK, Drug Raids On Hotel Room, Courtney Still Sounding Off
10:31AM Clem Bastow | Winegums watch shows no sign of needing to be shifted to a weekly update, with the Troubled© soul singer and her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, jetting back into the UK after becoming “bored” of their tropical holiday, where hotel staff were apparently conducting drug sweeps of the couple’s suite after other guests mentioned “strange smells” wafting from Winegums central.
Amy is back in town for the Mercury Awards, where her odds of winning have lengthened considerably (Bat For Lashes is now the favourite), though we are inclined to add that we think it’s about the music, maaaan, and that Amy’s recent misadventures shouldn’t harm her chances of winning if she was originally considered the hot tip to take out the novelty cheque.
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Zoo Weekly Seeking “Sexiest Feminist”, Making The Baby Jesus Cry
10:08AM Clem Bastow | In a move more cunning than a fox who has just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University, renowned SNAG magazine Zoo Weekly is planning to silence its critics by launching a search to find Australia’s sexiest feminist.
Magazine editor Paul Merrill said the new competition was the magazine’s way of offering its critics an olive branch.
“We did get our fair share of complaints when we launched the search to win your girlfriend a boob job, so we thought the best way to handle this was to redress the balance by launching the Search for Australia’s sexiest feminist,” Merrill said.
“We’re calling for feminists all over Australia to show that women can be sexy even if they disapprove of sexy women.”
Hilariously, the prize is a photoshoot in the cum men’s rag and – get this! – a year’s supply of deodorant! ZING! They sure showed those stinky man-haters!
There’s plenty we could say about all this, but instead we’ll leave you with some of Zoo’s previous thoughts regarding noted feminist, Germaine Greer (whose nude portrait, incidentally, they are using to hawk this contest):
GREER SHOULD SHUT THE F**K UP
It was bad enough that the Aussie ex-pat bagged our Aussie Steve just after he died, now she’s sinking the boot into his manhood. Obviously Germaine has far to much time on her hands.
Steve was more blokey than an entire kaki wearing rugby team and could handle himself with crocodiles the size of minibuses, that’s pretty manly in our eyes. Even though Germaine Greer looks like a man, Steve was at least three times the bloke she will ever be!
No further comment required, wouldn’t you say? More » 
Next Top Alice Off To NYC; Steph Books Compensatory Ticket To “Morocca”
9:48AM Clem Bastow | Having been gifted with the cover of Vogue Australia and relocating to Sydney, Alice Burdeu – winner of Australia’s Next Top Model Series 3 – is finally jetting off to claim another of her prizes: meeting with model agents in New York City.
Previous winners were given meetings with specific agencies, but Alice will be ‘up for grabs’, meaning she could end up on the books of “power agencies” like Next, IMG or Supreme, rather than contractually fobbed off to nobodies – and word has it said agencies are already keenly awaiting her arrival.
“I’m really excited – I can’t wait. To be honest I’m pretty nervous but it’s an amazing opportunity,” Burdeu told Confidential.
Fox8 will announce a fourth series today, with Meares returning as host.
Meanwhile, in news that will not shock anyone who had their stomach churned by AusNTM host Johdi Meares’ blind devotion to runner-up Steph Hart, the girl who didn’t know that Moroccan food comes from “Morocca”, Steph has been booked as the new “face” (and body) of Meares’ Tigerlily label.
She looks much better than she did while the judges were fawning over her, but we still don’t “get” the Steph thing. But then maybe we just need to visit Morocca and find ourselves. More » 
Paris To Meet The Freak In West End Lesbian Romp Shocker
9:39AM Clem Bastow | When we read this particular piece this morning we were fairly clapping our hands with demented glee – Paris Hilton is allegedly being offered a role in the West End theatrical production of… Prisoner: Cell Block H!
Now, there’s trash, and there’s Trash™, Paris Hilton starring in a musical revamp of Prisoner, in which she will take part in a “lesbian romp” is pretty much the best news of the year. However, we particularly enjoyed the way that story managed to get a sly boot into Paris in its final moments:
The source added: “Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she’s happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it’ll be fun to play a lesbian.
“She’ll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.”
If Paris does appear in the West End it will be just the latest addition to her growing list of talents.
If you are curious as to just what entails a “list of talents”, they then go on to remind us that Paris has “appeared in an adult film”. LOLCATS! More » Alex Fevola Calls Boooshiiiit, Maaate On Lara Bingle’s “I Dun Reelize He Wuz Mareed” Claims
9:26AM Clem Bastow | After Lara Bingle broke her silence and assured us all that she didn’t know Carlton ace Brendan Fevola was married when she was courting him (she just thought he was a “guy who was really nice”), AFL WAG Alex Fevola has rejected the model’s claims, taking particular offence that Lara chose to speak out on Father’s Day.
While the Melbourne mother of two was not having a bar of Bingle’s excuse, associates of the Fevola family told Confidential she has every right to question the 19-year-old’s claim she didn’t know Brendan was married when they began their affair.
What we’d really like to see come out of all of this is for Bingle and the Fevolas to all compete in a special charity edition of Rove’s new quiz show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? We feel confident that would sort their issues out once and for all. More » YouTube Clip Of The Day
9:00AM Jess McGuire | Today’s slice of interweb gloriousness comes courtesy of Monkeys For Helping, a site we’d like to take out for a few drinks, dance awkwardly with, and clumsily cop a quick feel of before passing out in darkened corner of the room. Which is how most of our nights out with suitors go, but that’s neither here nor there and look, what’s that below! A video, you say? Oh do watch it and pretend the previous sentence never happened!
Actually, before you watch it – we should tell you what it’s about. Monkeys For Helping, would you mind doing the honours?
“Check out this amazing video of James Brown sharing his ancient secrets. Watch him bust out his moves…even the motherfucking robot. This video is much too powerful. It should be locked somewhere out in the Nevada desert surrounded by alien bodies until the world is ready for it. He literally does more cool things in 2 minutes than I’ve done in my entire life.”
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Dean Geyer’s Ex Girlfriend Not All That Keen On Lisa From The Veronicas
8:44AM Jess McGuire | Because we would never expect you to trawl through our archives on the off chance an interesting comment has been left on an old post, we thought it might be nice to draw your attention to a recent comment left an old article about Dean Geyer romancing Lisa Origliasso from The Veronicas.
Says “Kylie” -
well im actually deans ex and let me say one thing..dean is the nicest guy you will ever meet, and if he is a bit offish towards you, its cause he is tired. i personally am i little concerned about lisa. deans the only bf who ever treated me right and i dont want to see him get hurt, i hate to say it..but he should be with a nice christian girl. she doesnt deserve him.. from what i know about her…
We are intrigued! What does “Kylie” know about Lisa? Is it that time radio cock monkey Labrat burst into a hotel room the morning after the ARIAs and caught her in bed with her 2DAY FM presenter boyfriend Craig “Lowy” Lowe? Or is it something else? Confess all, “Kylie”!
Let us be your shoulder to cry on, an ear always willing to listen, a website happy to publish daft comments purportedly written by the ex girlfriends of virginal Christian Australian Idol stars!
That goes for the rest of you, too. More » Eighties Golden Boy To Pen Pop Hit For Nineties Golden Girls In Attempt To Win Hearts Of The Record Buying Public In Time For Christmas 2007
8:36AM Jess McGuire | As regular readers would well be aware, we’ve been keeping a close eye on all things Spice Girls related, as we are positively giddy with excitement over the prospect of seeing five thirty-something women (apparently suffering from “the ravages of time”) in concert belting out bubblegum pop hits of yesteryear in a probably futile attempt to rejuvenate both their careers and their bank accounts.
GIRL POWER FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem. Moving on….
The latest update? George Michael is rumoured to be penning their Christmas single!
I hear the SPICE GIRLS are in talks with GEORGE MICHAEL to pen them a Christmas single.
I can reveal that POSH, GINGER, SCARY, SPORTY, BABY and now OLD SPICE, will take on this year’s X Factor winner in the race for the festive top spot. My music insider told me: “The girls are thrilled to be in talks with George. He’s one of the most talented songwriters around and it will make their comeback bigger and better than ever.”
Explosive and screamy use of capital letters News Of The World’s own.
If George can bang out a Funky or Outside-like hit, and not a Freeek!-ish number for the Spice Girls, then we’ll be happy as larry.
We also hope he keeps his bin locked whenever the gals pop over to his house during the process, as it would be thoroughly unfortunate turn of events if Geri felt tempted to get on her hands and knees and fossick through it in the vain hope of locating and huffing down a chunk of chocolate cake or three… again.
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