This Is Probably The Best Summary Of Idol’s Top 24 You’ll Ever Read

We know, we know – when you’re after cutting edge Australian Idol commentary, you turn to Andrew Bolt’s wife Sally Morrell’s column, but bear with us. We’ve pointed you in his direction before but once again, Scott To Be Certain has left us gasping for breath and clutching our sides after reading his take on the show so we feel you need another nudge.

Here are just a few examples of his highly entertaining views.

Name: Sarah Lloyde
Anagram: “Dollars: Yeah!”; “Really Sad Ho”
Likelihood of success: 5/10

I’m hedging my bets on Sarah and her superfluously spelt moniker. Her anagram screams financial success on the one hand, but she could just as equally be a sullen, pathetic, unbankable little slut. We already know that she works in a car wash and doesn’t “mind getting dirty”.

Musically, there are some questions. She sang an Andrews Sisters song for her final performance without any semblance of swing or sass. I have some definite concerns for RSH. On the website, she names Kyle as her favourite judge, claiming that “he like me and was nice to me two years old and still is”. This is disturbing on more than one level: dear God, what happened to this woman when she was 2 years old at the hand of Cholesterol Demon Sandilands that she can no longer form grammatical sentences? Poor bitch has been so fundamentally interfered with that she can’t even differentiate between sensations: to prepare for performances she claims to “warm up of course, and try to chill”. Llordy. Goode llucke to her.

Name: Rosie Ribbons
Anagram: “Brie Ribs Soon”
Likelihood of success: 7/10

According to the website, and supported by her anagram, Rosie’s favourite food is cheese, which is a concern. Nonetheless, she was the last one into the semi-finals, taking the Klancie spot over Cyndi Dietrich. In a display of irrefutable, alarmingly unfussy logic prior to being selected, Rosie revealed her motivations for singing: “I don’t believe I’m not supposed to sing.” Living life this way must be exhausting, planning your future on the basis of signs that have failed to arrive. Not winning UK Pop Idol was obviously not a big enough hint. But let’s be fair: she finished 6th on that show, even releasing 2 singles (one of which went as high as #12 on the UK chart) and securing a multi-million pound record deal. The label died in the arse. Rosie moved to Dubbo. As you do. Still, I have a feeling about this one.

Name: Lana Krost
Anagram: “Oral Stank”
Likelihood of success: 7/10

For some reason, Lana makes me think of Hello Kitty. Is it just me? “Does Australia think I have it in me?” Lana rhetorically mused as the credits rolled on Monday night’s episode. Not sure, but I’m certain at least half of the viewership would happily put it in you, love. Pity your vocal is set to stink. At least Lana has a refreshing take on the usefulness of Idol as a medium of unearthing untalent: “Because it acts as a stepping stone for people who are just beginning their career or for those at the end of it. ” Quite.

Unless you’re a complete idiot, you’ll want to be heading over to Scott To Be Certain to read it all for yourself.