Steven Seagal: The Boy Who Lived

In this topsy-turvy world of starlets with brains and divine smitings, it’s a relief to know we can count on our masterful DVD bootleggers to peer into their crystal balls and show us how good things could be. A reader sent us this still of the cover of a cheap, pirated copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which radically improves the film by slapping an R rating on it to account for the antics of its salacious new cast:

In this rich fantasy world, Marg Helgenberger stars as stripper-cum-academic Hermione Granger, Steven Seagal both appears and thoughtfully brought his prodigious vision as Director of Photography, and we’re treated to the acting debut of recluse “Happy” Dean Stanton, Harry Dean’s cheerfully rapacious prankster brother with a penchant for improv and pantsing people.

It all makes us crave an actualisation of this potential Oscar contender – how much more satisfying would the climax be if Steven Seagal, slick ponytail snapping in the breeze, head-butted Voldemort in his noseless noggin before turning his wand into an Uzi? Finally the Academy could reward him for a career that has been woefully overlooked.